Have you seen this?
It’s a Butt Bra by Bubbles. It’s shape wear, duh. It enhances your derriere. It gives your posterior more oomph.
WHO DOESN’T want a butt bra?
The company claims this will do for your ass what the WonderBra did for your bosom.
Alrighty then. Here’s why I want one.
1. Regular underwear is so overrated. I want to feel like I’m wearing chaps.
2. When my kids bust in on me getting dressed, this will gross them out more than a thong ever did.
3. As we age, our asses look more and more pancake-y. This will now just make my ass look like a squished pancake. That’s better, right?
4. I like my butt cheeks divided and separated with a piece of fabric that will make me pick my crack all day when no one is looking.
5. My thighs are bigger than the model’s thighs, so that will make an interesting sausage roll under my jeans.
6. I want to give my husband a real, “WTF are you wearing?” moment the next time I go all, bow chicka bow wow and undress for him.
7. Go from Lucy Liu butt to Beyonce butt in under two minutes. In theory.
8. This way, my butt-acne will have a chance to breathe.
9. Spanx was so 2012. Forget slimming and smoothing, now, I want to lift and separate.
10. I want to know what the front looks like, and ordering it will be the only way to do this.