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I don’t want to offend you or anything…

Ooh, famous last words.

How about- “I don’t want to argue, but…”, “Now don’t get mad, but…”

or

“We need to talk about something”, “I don’t want any drama“, “Maybe you’re just jealous, no offense“.

Do you see what I’m doing here? All these phrases are total mindfuck bullshit. Yep. That’s what I said. Why? Because they do exactly the opposite of what the speaker is saying.

It’s like telling someone not to think of an elephant. Whatever you do- don’t think of an elephant.

….How’s that working? Are you NOT thinking of an elephant?

What elephant? I don't see an elephant.

So when the husband comes home from work and has an issue with a recent blog, let’s say. And says, ‘now don’t get mad, I don’t want to start an argument’…. Guess what? He doesn’t even have to say anything- I’m already fired up. My gut has dropped to my feet and the anticipation of what he might say is worse than what he will say.

"Now don't get mad, but..."

Or when you’re with a group of ladies and one of them says, “No offense, but I hate PTA or I don’t let my kids watch TV or what’s up with your latest eating habits?”. I kinda get offended. I mean, not really OFFENDED, but just maybe more my feelings might get hurt. Offended is far more serious than just slightly bruised in the ego or feelings department, but still. Just saying, ‘don’t get offended’, kind of puts me on the defense, right away.

The worst is when you watch those ridiculous reality TV shows where the women all squawk and whine about the others behind their backs. Then at a party they say, ‘well the last thing I want is drama‘. Really? Cuz you were kind of poking the hornets nest back there by smack talking your friend’s best friend’s sister in law.

"That bitch said what about my hat?

Any leading statement to a statement you are about to say, can really set someone off, before you say  what you were going to say in the first place. Capiche?

Let’s have a lesson in semantics people. Husbands- listen up. Mother-in-laws lean in. This is what you do.

When there’s something you want to say, don’t lead in with the opposite/alternate/reverse psychology phrases as mentioned above. Just say,

Husbands- “Oh hey, would it be okay if you didn’t continue to blog about my lack of skills in changing the roll of toilet paper and that you think I’m an asshat?” Say it in a real nice tone, then finish with, “Would you like me to get you a glass of wine?”

Or this one-

Mother in law-”I think your children should eat more vegetables and swear less.”

And then-

Friends “I wanted to let you know that when your daughter was hanging out with my daughter last week she showed a picture of various venereal diseases and their symptoms on her smartphone and it grossed our daughter out. But I know she’s not a slut. It’s okay.”

See how easy that was? All straight forward, no passive aggressive lead-ins. Just say what you have to say. Remember, it’s all in the TONE of your voice, body language, actions, that sort of thing. And don’t end with, “I’m just sayin’.” That’s bad too.

I think this will make things so much easier.

But let’s be honest. When it comes to ME. If you know me, just say what I want to hear, not what I should hear. That’s what really works.

Remember, no elephants. How’ bout now? Now?

Ricky never leads with bull shit lines like, "Now don't be offended." He just goes straight to offending you.

Now?

Colored, Negro or Afro-American?

Could any of the 4 black people that read my blog kindly answer the question above?

I’m joking.  I think my demographic is mostly white females, at least the readers who comment are. It just ends up that way.

But really, I would care to know what the answer is. My guess is that the answer you are going to say is- neither.

The answer is ‘black’ right?

For several reasons-

It is 2012 not 1962

We are not characters in the movie The Help

I don’t live in the rural South.

And if I did- revert to reason 1 and that- it’s 2012.

There’s someone I know that continues to use those above terms.

I’m confused every time she does because I’m not sure if it’s offensive to use those terms or not. For the simple fact that, the stories she is telling me, don’t make one iota of difference what race these people are. But I never know what to say when she says them. She’s describing a woman on one of those Dr. shows.  She described this guest as the “Afro-American woman”. I kept wondering why she says ‘Afro’ American and not African-American. Is she talking about their hair? I realize this is an actual term. But again, is it still used today?

Not all black people are from Africa. Not all black people are black. They are shades of brown. Just ask a 3 year old. They’ll tell you.

Also, she will talk about the care nurse that stops by to take care of her elderly neighbor. “She’s a very nice Negro woman that comes 3 to 4 times a week.”

So if anyone has some kind feedback, I’m not looking to stir the pot, it’s an innocent question this white girl has. See? White girl. Not Anglo-Deutsch-American.

Tyler Perry if you’re reading- maybe you can weigh in.

This was only out in 2010, maybe it confuses white people. Tyler Perry- see what you've done?

You’re welcome Meryl.

I know, I know. Oscars Schmoscars. Are you tired of hearing about them yet? Me too. Kind of. But just read one more. Please?

My post last week about Meryl, Bow down to greatness, oh Meryl, I’m betting on you, was my ode to her career. Her last trip up the Oscar steps to receive the statue was 30 years ago.

So don’t gripe that she always wins. She doesn’t. She’s always NOMINATED.

Vegas, all the online polls, and the Red Carpet polls had predicted Viola Davis to win. She was wonderful in The Help. She was outstanding and probably had the role of her career. Every one of those women nominated in that category should have won. They were fabulous-Michelle, Glenn, Rooney, Viola, Meryl—- it was a talentgasm.

But sorry Viola- the night belonged to Meryl.

She even wore a gold dress to foreshadow her best accessory. Just like I said, she wore little makeup, swept up her hair, and threw on a dress, and looked fabulous.

So I just want to say, you are welcome Meryl. I put it out there in the universe that you should win. And you did. Your acceptance speech was brilliant too. I wouldn’t expect anything less.

Congrats to you, Iron Lady

Helena (nuttier than squirrel turds) Bonham Carter

I was in college when I saw the movie A Room with a View. It was my first experience with a Merchant Ivory production. I loved the periods, costume and set direction and scenery of their films. I would cry just at the sheer beauty. What a sap I was! Then throw in some Puccini opera on the soundtrack- I was in love (sniff, sniff).

1990 or 1890 - big poofy hair was in.

This was my first exposure to Helena, who played Lucy Honeychurch. I thought she was lovely. That big mess of curly, dark hair. I wanted to wear an Edwardian dress with a big hat and stroll on green lawns of English estates. I had some long skirts and button down shirts in my closet. My then roommate- Ginhee- made me purge my ‘prairie looks’ as she called them. She didn’t understand my Merchant Ivory penchant for fashion. Well, I don’t blame her. By the way,  Merchant Ivory is two people not one. Ismail Merchant and James Ivory produced and directed a bunch of films in the 90s that I was obsessed with that all had the same style of culture, art and repressed passion.

Now Miss Bonham Carter wasn’t always perfect. It was reported that she cheated on Emma’s (Thompson) then husband Kenneth Branagh while they filmed Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein. Shame on them!

Poor Emma. But now Helena is with Tim Burton and they make the perfect couple.  Cooky meets crazy!

A match made in creative crazy heaven.

I loved Helena in Harry Potter as Bellatrix LaStrange. How perfect for her. Bellatrix eats the same squirrel food as Helena because she’s nutty too!

Bellatrix- this girl definitely poops squirrel turds- dontcha think?

Of course, last year, Helena’s portrayal as the Queen mum in The King’s Speech was poignant, loving, and completely devoid of any craziness.

2011 Best Picture; The King's Speech with Colin Firth

Who else can do the red carpet like Helena? It would be disappointing if she showed up in a ‘regular’ couture look.

I wasn’t a fan of Sweeney Todd. (shh, don’t tell her that.)   But I loved her as the Red Queen in Alice in Wonderland. Nothing beats the line, “I love a warm pig for my aching feet.” And who remembers her stint on Miami Vice? Ha! Betcha you forgot that.

I love everything she does down to her mismatched shoes. I probably wouldn’t let her babysit my kids, but I would love to do tequila shots with her and Tim. How fun would THAT be? Johnny Depp could show up too.

She has been nominated for an Academy Award twice. Maybe one day she’ll win. Or maybe not. I doubt she cares.

Thanks for keeping it real Helena.

Last year's Golden Globes and the mismatched shoes. Hey- they were the same brand, just one of each color.

My own acceptance speech in perfect timing for this weekend.

I love awards and I love it when fellow bloggers of the WordPress community bestow awards on each other. It feels like in school when you get a candy gram or a special certificate from the principal. Once in high school I got the Perfect Attendance award as a Sophomore. I was even clueless enough to be at the pep assembly they were giving out the certificates of other achievements to accept my certificate in person. I didn’t realize what street cred this award would give me. How can anyone be so geeky as to get perfect attendance? Honestly, I just kept going to school each day because I was terrified of all the work I had to do if I missed any class. Second, it was one of the few years I didn’t come down with strep throat. Third, it all went downhill from there because my Junior and Senior years were spent heavily involved in thespians and forensics (that’s theater and speech and debate for you non vocab proficient people like myself) and we got to miss school a lot traveling to competitions.

So on to the awards:

The From Life Idle to Life Fantastic blogger gave me these awards- ALL FOUR- Holla bitches! (okay, that wasn’t necessary, I’m sorry.)

She is a sweet blogger who, despite her life being very different than mine; translation- I don’t think she drives a minivan or wears pajama jeans, but I could be wrong, she is a mom after all- she is supportive and witty and doesn’t even use swear words.

Qualifications of the awards are to accept, make a speech (see above boring diatribe of perfect attendance, the music would definitely have cut me off at the Oscars if I were to say all that), acknowledge blogger that gave you award and then answer questions about yourself. Pass on the award to 10 blogs you enjoy.

The Sunshine, Candle Lighter, and Liebster Awards State the following:

  • Act like a God among bloggers (write a post)
  • Give your Acceptance and Thank you speech  for the one whom blessed you with the honor. (See above)
  • Give the cream of your crop the award as well
  • Post awards on your blog if accepted

The Sparkly Ten Commandments are:

  • Give Thanks
  • Answer Ten Questions with Honesty
  • Pass it on to Ten Other Bloggers

I used to pretend Barbara Walters was interviewing me for her Post Oscar special. I would sit in my bathroom and practice, trying to get all choked up and cry for her like the other celebrities do. It was hard, because my life was so dang peachy. I didn’t have any good stories about sleeping on a bare mattress on the floor of our mobile home for years before my stardom, or how my blind mother drove me to auditions. I realize that is not only completely false but utterly preposterous. My mom is not blind!

So here goes: I will try to cry or get choked up at least once.

  1. Describe yourself in seven words:
    Fun, Beautiful, Charming, Organized, Brilliant…. wait… what? OH…. be HONEST… okay fine…. goofy, sensitive, volatile, picky, sloppy, devoted, empathetic.
  2. What keeps you up at night?
    Sometimes the neighbor’s dog. But mostly, I sleep through the night these days since the kids are old enough. I can tend to wallow in crazy obsessions from my over active imagination where I’ve concocted images of my kids in peril. Then my blood starts to run cold and I think of fuzzy kittens and rainbows and try to get myself to sleep counting unicorns….
  3. Whom would you like to be?
    Helen Mirren- I want to be British, saucy, and get away with anything.
  4.  What are you wearing now? My mom uniform- jeans and a thermal tea with socks, slippers and a sweater. I basically look like I walked off the pages of Cosmo, I know.
  5. What scares you?  Cancer scares the crap out of me.
  6. What are the best and worst things about blogging?
    I love that I can pretty much say what I want and most people get it. It beats a journal for sure. I hate the possibility of trolls coming around to spoil the party. I also dislike when my husband rolls his eyes at some of my posts. But I guess you can’t blame him.
  7. What was the last website you looked at?
    Facebook. duh.
  8. If you could change one thing about yourself what would it be?
    To be better at cleaning my house. And Angry Birds. I suck at it. I can only make it past the first level on like 6 tries. It’s pathetic.
  9. Slankets, yes or no? If by Slanket you mean Snuggie, then yes. Guilty.
  10. Tell us something about the person who nominated you.
    She didn’t know what a Slanket was and thought a Slanket was a slinky mixed with a blanket. Which is better than what I invented called a fornikanket which is a blanket for two while they fornicate. You know, for those chilly nights.

Now for the 10 blogs I would like to forward these awards on to and hope you check them out. They are funny, sweet or downright blunt and in-your-face fantastic, and some have few followers since they are so new, so I want you to go visit them and check them out.

The Teacher’s Pen

Barking in the Dark

Lady Goo Goo Gaga

The Sticky Egg

If I Were Brave

Raising my Rainbow

Piperism

Kvetch Mom

She’s a Maineiac

Motherhood WTF?

So to these 10 that I have awarded these blogging awards- follow through with the rules and be sure to acknowledge me in your acceptance speech. Cuz I’m a needy whore that needs to be fed with affirmation.

Enjoy!

Bow down to greatness- Oh Meryl, I’m betting on you.

I’m hearing that the Oscar buzz this year is Viola Davis may win for Best Actress for The Help. That’s great and all….but….. Meryl, Meryl, Meryl- needs. to. win.

I know Meryl has won before. But she is so frickin’ fantastic all the time. She has won twice- Best Supporting Actress for Kramer vs. Kramer and Best Actress for Sophie’s Choice. That was 30 years ago!! She’s been nominated practically every year- from A Cry in the (dingo ate my baby) Dark, to The Devil Wears (bitch Miranda Priestly) Prada. She leads most ever nominations with 17 total. 17 for crying out loud!

Accents, prosthesis, nudity or disabilities are pretty much a shoe-in for winning. Aside from the nudity part, Meryl has completed all these criteria.

In the movie Iron Lady, she wore some serious dental prosthesis. Ding ding. Winner.

Viola has been around a while too.  With some starts on NYPD Blue, Law and Order, she even costarred with Meryl in Doubt. She even worked with George in Syriana. Oh, I’m sorry- George Clooney. We are on a first name basis. AND Meryl and George did voices for Fantastic Mr. Fox. It’s all a 3 degrees of Hollywood separation thing.

Then there’s Rooney. She is a long shot to win. But I always appreciate someone’s devotion to their craft. Her transformation to Lisbeth Salander was astounding. Nipple piercings? Computer hacking skills? Visiting an autism center?  Her nomination should be an honor in this stage of her career. Just please Rooney- please don’t turn into one of those Kristen Stewart types where you look completely uncomfortable with your fame, pretend to ‘endure’ the fashion thrown at you for free, say that you owe it all to the fans but look like someone is giving you a colonoscopy every time you are interviewed. Anyway… you get the idea.

Oh and then there’s Glenn. Glenn, how have you NOT won yet? After Fatal Attraction I was mesmerized. After Dangerous Liaisons I was enchanted. What can you NOT do?? The Victor/Victoria Albert Nobbs get up is superb.

Michelle- your portrayal of Marilyn is spot on. Dawson’s Creek you are far from. You will have a promising career of many more nominations, I promise. You will win. Just not this year.

How to choose one? (courtesy therepublika.com)

Everyone in this category this year is deserving. But my money is on Meryl. Votes are cast. Couture is being pressed. Jewels are on loan. Meryl will probably show up wearing something understated with a big clunky necklace. Her hair swept up casually and not even wear much makeup. And she’ll look stunning like always. Because she knows she’s awesome. Right? I mean- she’s Meryl.

Dear Readers, There’s an obsession I’ve been keeping from you.

I LOVE awards shows. I know! God forbid you have to watch those boring award shows that go on for hours. Most of you would rather have bamboo shoved up under your fingernails.

I guess it’s not a secret that I like movies. I’m not one of those Indie film buffs that scoffs at the Academy Awards. Far from it. I ADORE the Oscars. It’s a love affair that started when I was 8 years old. I watched the Academy honor Chariots of Fire with the best picture award instead of Raiders of the Lost Ark. English men running in slow motion to Vangelis is not as exciting to a 3rd grader as Indiana Jones running away from a giant paper mache ball. But anyway, it didn’t change my feelings for the Academy. I don’t hold a grudge.

Instead, ever since that night that dazzled me watching all those movie stars, I loyally perched myself on my couch for the 4  hour marathon each year, to see which cinematic legacy would be awarded. Unlike that first year I watched where Ark lost to Fire, I have agreed mostly with the Academy’s decisions. Hurt Locker vs. Avatar; The Kings Speech vs. Black Swan (thank God)…However, I didn’t like Unforgiven winning over Howard’s End. I have a love affair with Emma Thompson, okay? At least she won best actress that year. And The Departed beating The Queen or Little Miss Sunshine? Oh well. I realize Martin Scorsese is awesome, so I will let it go.

Oh Emma how I love thee. Could it be coincidence my first born is named after you?

One day I will attend the Oscars. I always dreamed I would go as a nominee. Yeah, that ship has sailed. Unless they come up with an honorary nominee of lifetime achievement watching movies from a couch, I’m not qualified.

But I still put it out there in the universe that I will attend the Oscars. I will see movie greatness in person. By then studios will be greedy corrupt conglomerates and there will be like 20 best picture nominees. Oh wait… we’re almost to that point. What is up with 10 nominees for best picture?

Still, I probably won’t be wearing the Bob Mackie dress I envisioned myself in when I was 13. Yes, it had more fabric than Cher’s getup. Maybe Valentino, Zac Posen, Dolce & Gabbana. Oh wait- I don’t have the body for safety pins up the side D&G style.

Ohh, you go gurrll!!

Or maybe it will be from Nordstrom Rack like my Grammy dress. Either way, I will go and I will probably tinkle in my SPANX yet again.

Let’s hope I go before I’m 80. It would be so nice to be able to wear SPANX instead of Depends. Well, that could be sooner than 80…

This year, I will be wearing Lululemon Haute Couture and eating quinoa cakes with almond milk, while  sipping oolong tea. Emma and I might go wild and have a Rice Dream frozen sandwich and some homemade popcorn sprinkled with nutritional yeast. It will be so much fun.

And in case you are wondering. I will never host an Oscar party. I can’t possibly enjoy my show while trying to see to everyone’s drinks and hors  dourves and shushing everyone. That’s not fun.

Until I’m there at the Kodak Theater, or wherever they will be in 2030, I will watch comfortably on my couch.

If anyone knows any producers of the show, boom operators on the red carpet, spray tan facilitators for Ryan Seacrest, or towel holders in the ladies’ restroom- I’m happy to be hooked up. Hey- putting it out in the universe is the first step Oprah would say.

I will be blogging incessantly about the Oscars until Monday. Next will be about  my love affair with Meryl Streep. My devotion to Helena Bonham Carter and how she’s nuttier than squirrel turds, but how I love her anyway. And also, how Glenn Close really deserves one of those gold statues sometime soon.

Yes, you cheated on Emma with Kenneth, but you are the craziest cat and I love you for it.

How has she not won yet?

I love Billy Crystal, but I’m a Hugh Jackman fan, so I would really appreciate it if they brought him back. Leave Anne Hathaway to her movies though and James Franco to his writing and art. Thank you.

Please excuse me while I complain

I’m feeling a little honeybadgerish now. Or stabby. Or just downright bitchy.

My apologies. If you don’t like swear words, rants, or any references to PMS, then stop reading. Or if you are married to me, you can stop reading also.

Yes, hormones can do a number on us all. Why even men can be total dicks if they have too much testosterone. Think of steroids. Dickwads.

Now there’s estrogen. Good lord, how much of this stuff do we need coursing through us? Well, enough I guess to keep us from growing facial hair and large Adam’s apples. But geeze. Sometimes I would just love to be some asexual being crawling along the ocean floor.

Or a honey badger. I think a honey badger doesn’t know the difference between a good day, and a PMS day. They just don’t give a shit.

Namaste Mutha Fuckahs!

Yesterday I got all mad at the hubs for leaving dishes in the sink and dishwasher over the entire weekend I left him alone and took the kids to the beach. Maybe I wouldn’t have been so mad if going to the ‘beach’ didn’t require a 4 hour drive in the pouring rain and a weekend of my two kids bickering over what DVD they get to watch in what bedroom. AND, getting to cook and clean just like at home. Not that I am not grateful for our wonderful friends having us over to their family beach house. But there wasn’t room service, laundry service or any nannies. I did it to give the hubs a break. Not make MORE work for me.

Okay, I’m over it. It’s fine. He’s sorry. I’m sorry.

My apologies for this ridiculous, useless blog post. Unless of course, you are feeling stabby too and maybe this helped you from actually stabbing someone, or something.

Stolen from the Bloggess' Zazzle store. Get some. It might cheer you up.

The reluctant vegan.

Okay, let me start by saying a few things. (That sounds ridiculous. I’m always saying a few things.)

I am not in any way imposing my choices on anyone. These are my personal choices that work for me. Maybe they will work for you too. Maybe not. But please don’t whine to me how much you love your meat and dairy and that ‘real people’ don’t eat squirrel food. That’s bull shit. Okay, my husband has always said I eat squirrel food, so now I’m just living up to his expectations.

I’ve been a ‘vegan’ for 21 days now. I say vegan with ‘ around it, because I still don’t believe it myself. But I will say this- I lasted Superbowl Sunday, a weekend in LA for the Grammys (with a stop at a steak house on Rodeo drive) and Valentine’s day; and I didn’t cheat!! Yay me!

I love food. I love good food. I love really fancy food. Exotic food. I even love crap food. I admit to a Taco Bell burrito now and then. Or a bag of Doritos. Or yes, a bowl of Cap ‘n’ Crunch. So I have no food prejudices. However, I’m learning more and more that food is the gateway to our well being. OH yeah- let me say that again. “FOOD IS THE GATEWAY TO OUR WELL BEING”. Snap. I’m like Oprah.

My friends started this diet before Christmas called the Engine 2 diet. It’s a book all about plant based whole foods. Meaning- nothing processed, no fats or added salt or sugar, no meat, no dairy. Wow, sounds awful doesn’t it?

But I like a challenge and deep down, I mean deep, deep, deep down, I knew I was lactose intolerant in a really bad way. But to take me away from my tea with milk and all my yummy bread and butter- gasp- was it possible?

There’s a gradual way to this diet. But I just jumped in all balls to the wall. Why not? Baby steps would just make me cheat or make excuses, so I headed in and didn’t look back.

You’re asking- am I doing this to lose weight? Duh! Who wouldn’t? Yes, I can afford to lose a few pounds. I don’t have to. But I like when the muffin doesn’t hang over the jeans. I like thighs that don’t squish together when I walk. So sure, losing weight is great. Have I lost a bunch? Five pounds is all. But five pounds is something.

Also- you’re thinking- but how on earth does she get her protein and proper calcium? Well, easy. There’s proteins in whole foods everywhere. From legumes to mushrooms, spinach to grains- it’s in there.

AND- calcium you ask. Well, think about this- we have the largest dairy and meat industry and the highest case of osteoporosis in this country. Hmm, coinkidink? Asian countries where their diets are primarily vegetable based have almost no osteoporosis. Could it be dairy is evil and full of additives and crap that we have been spoon fed by our FDA to think it’s good for us? Okay… forget I said that.

Now ask me how I feel.

I feel great! A little TMI warning here- I don’t have the stomach and digestion problems I had so much. Translation- gas and bad poops. I always blamed food like coffee or the apple I ate gave me gas, or wow, ‘my system really doesn’t like bananas’. NO. It was that it didn’t like the milk or half and half I was having with other stuff.

Do I want to cheat? Sometimes. Like I said, I managed to stick it out through Valentine’s day and a steak house without cheating. Sometimes a hot fudge sundae sounds really good. And maybe one day I will have one. But I also think how awful I will feel the next day. What will I do at Christmas when my mom makes goose and Yorkshire pudding? I’ll probably have some. There’s no diet police. Just my lower intestine talking to me.

I have a new love for almond milk and quinoa granola. It’s amazing how satisfying lentils can be. Who would have thought roasted cauliflower could taste so good? Plus, it’s organic, non GMO and good for you.

I feel so much better. Add the new thyroid medication, exercising a little more, and I might just shun PMS right out of my life.

Well, slow down there pardner- haven’t been through that roller coaster yet. We’ll see what a couple more weeks brings. But my energy is better, and I think I have a few less wrinkles. I’m aging backwards!

Again, just sharing- not preaching. Think about what ails you. Think about what you eat. Maybe there’s a connection.

I will not look down my nose at any meat eaters. I’m not going to throw paint on someone’s fur coat. I might even stray once in awhile to a croissant. STEP AWAY FROM THE FRO YO! Almost forgot myself there.

Oh- and gin and tonics are totally vegan. Just a little is fine.

If you are interested in the book- here’s the link:

The Engine 2 Diet

Doesn't that look fresh and delicious? courtesy of greenwaycafe.co.uk

There’s worse things I could be doing. Of course, there’s better things too.

Sitting on my couch watching Little House on the Prairie while blogging, eating chips and snuggling my dog. You could say I’m good at multitasking!

I’m not doing crystal meth, or dancing on a pole, or even working in one of those bikini barista huts. Yes, they wear bikinis even in winter. I’ve never actually gotten a drink there, but I drive by some and always see a glimpse of flesh. Burrr.

So what? I blog, I update my Facebook page. I like pictures of cute cats with funny captions. What of it?

I haven’t been on Pinterest. I haven’t been invited. But I’m really glad for this. Can you imagine if I wasted more time??

So instead of Pinterest, I waste my time on Someecards.com

I’m addicted to making awful, ridiculous, slightly offensive cards. With swear words too.

And that’s okay. Because I sure ain’t doing any of the above mentioned awful things. However, there’s lots I’m not doing. Like knitting mittens for Bosnian orphans, volunteering at an animal shelter, making quilts for crack babies, planting my community P-Patch.

Maybe I’ll add one of those things to my to-do list soon.

In the meantime- have fun reading my ecards. I bet they’ll give your fancy schmancy Pinterest craftiness a run for their money.

This one is for my husband. Feel free to share with yours too.

Doesn't it look like Cindy from the Brady Bunch?

This one has quite a few hits on ecards website. I'm quite proud.

I told you F bombs make me happy.

This one is popular too. I guess anything with 'porn' in the caption gets attention.