Ladies and gentleman- stop the hate for Valentine’s day. If you don’t want to celebrate it, then just don’t. Why should this day of the year remind you any less of the sex life you are having, or not having. Maybe you need more ‘man’ in ‘romance’. Maybe you hate cupid and are allergic to chocolate. It’s okay. Step away from the Hallmark store and nobody gets hurt.
Here’s my personal take on the whole matter:
It is in fact a holiday not made up by Hallmark but actually there was a St. Valentine somewhere back in some odd century that was imprisoned from his lover, blah, blah, blah. This is not a history lesson. That is all I’m going to mention of a factual nature, the rest is pure opinion.
Husbands- don’t buy chocolate or flowers. Why? Because these items are jacked up in price beyond all belief. There’s two holidays you never buy flowers: Valentine’s Day and Mother’s Day. This goes against all the marketing in our country. But I have told this to my husband for years and years. He made the mistake once and I told him to save his money for my lipo fund and skip the flowers. There’s plenty out there that’s the same price year ’round: sleeping pills, wine, Daniel Craig DVDs, Sephora gift cards, shoes… you get the idea.
Wives- Just put out. Yep, I said it. It’s really all they want anyway. I’m not going to go into detail in what capacity. That is up to you. But buy a card to mark the occasion, and then put on your best pair of sweats and concert t-shirt and some deodorant and tell him to have at it. He can tap it like a keg. Maybe have “Bridesmaids” playing in the background you can watch over his shoulder in case you get bored. He’ll be so happy.
Moms of school age children- Please keep your fancy, crafty cards and treats and things to a minimum. If you HAVE to bake cupcakes, please make them from a box. Throw on some conversation hearts and call it good. DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT make some fondant flowers or cupids you stayed up all night hand sculpting. This isn’t Cupcake Wars, it’s not Cake Boss. The kids will tear in to them in two seconds flat, the frosting gets all over the carpet for the teacher to clean up and the other poor moms just look at you like you are trying to impress. Which you are, but we don’t need some over achieving mom out there in her Lululemon pants and her Juicy Couture bags with her fancy ass cupcakes. It makes us all feel lazy. Which we are.
OH, I almost forgot. So as some of you know this is my big Grammy weekend. I’m heading out for the weekend to LA with girlfriends and I’m stoked like a campfire to be at the ceremony. If you see a crazy blond women storm the stage on Bruno Mars- that’s me. The hubs is perfectly capable of taking care of the two chil’ins. He’s had enough practice and it’s been years since one of them needed their butt wiped. So I think he’s good. I’ve left plenty of heat and eat things and there’s bound to be some trips to some local eateries. I just ask that he remembers to feed the dog and cat and remember to do the carpool duties I’ve told him of.
So this means I will come home in time for Valentine’s day. Better dust off my Bridesmaids DVD, the husband jar is going to be full of tokens he will want to redeem. Fair is fair.