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Wax on; wax off.

What’s the first rule of writing? Write about what you know. OKAAAY then. I’m writing about me. Moi, myself and I.

My friend over at  You Know it Happens At Your House Too sent out this ‘challenge’ or ‘assignment’ if you will.

Fifteen things your readers don’t know about you. Really? Fifteen? Isn’t that a lot? I mean, if I use up all fifteen, then what will I have to write about tomorrow? OH wait… PMS… Just kidding! Sort of…

Okay here goes.

1) I like that song The Climb by Miley Cyrus. I know- dippy. But the lyrics are really good. I get kinda teary thinking about certain struggles like paying the credit card bills, sticking to my non-dairy-no meat diet, wondering if my children will appreciate everything I’ve done for them.  So I want to stand in some meadow belting this song out at the top of my lungs. I also want to stand in a meadow and spin like Julie Andrews in The Sound of Music— maybe, that’s my #2.

2) I want to spin on a mountainside meadow and sing The Hills Are Alive, With the Sound of Music. I mean, WHO DOESN’T?

3) I don’t wax anywhere except my eyebrows. I mean, ANYWHERE. Is that bad? Please tell me I am not the only woman on the planet that doesn’t wax her business. Like Tina Fey said on Saturday Night Live a few seasons back;  “Women used to have a garden down there the size of a New York City slice of pizza.”  Let’s not go into any more detail, but seriously? One more thing for me to groom? I think not.

4) I spent my senior year spring break getting my wisdom teeth out. All four. Impacted. I was a nerd. But hey, I got it out of the way.

5) I kind of miss the way my kids smell when they were little. Now they just have body odor and morning breath. I like the ‘after-nap’ smell of when they were 2 years old. Kinda sweaty behind the neck and sweet and peach fuzzy. I don’t miss the toddler years, but sometimes I just wish they could smell like that again. And take naps. And not talk back. And do their homework.

6) I only have two houseplants and they are barely alive.

7) I have a horrible fear of heights. Even thinking of looking out a skyscraper windows makes my palms sweat.

8) I met my husband at a funeral. NOOOW, don’t think he was like Will Farrell in Wedding Crashers, “sad women are soo horny” Eww. No! Our families were friends and his grandmother passed away so we had all attended the funeral. He didn’t ask me out, but we were introduced.

9) I have never mowed our lawn. I don’t do yard work. I don’t really do housework. What DO I DO?

10) I’m one of those people that loves to do Karaoke and think I can sing, but really I can’t. I pretend to pull it off with STAGE PRESENCE. Sell it… sell it… I think I will vlog a Karaoke performance for you. THAT would be AWESOME.

11) I used to do this thing when I was a teenager where I would use a big word, that I didn’t really know what it meant, my friend Stacey would be like, ‘that’s not what that means’. I would be all back at her, ‘that is so esoteric of you’.

12) I want to be a figure skater. Or a Vegas show girl. I want to be anything that requires lots of makeup, glitter, and fishnets. I used to act out Olympic figure skating finals events in my bedroom. I can’t skate. Other than that, I think my chances are good for a career as a drag queen.

13) When I was 4 years old I wanted to marry Shaun Cassidy. I watched The Hardy Boys and I was sure that 14 year age difference meant that he would wait for me. A Do Run Run, A Do Run Run.

Parker was pretty darn cute too. What's better- those collars or high-waisted pants?

14) I hated zucchini when I was a kid, but would love my mom’s cream of zucchini soup.

15) My husband and I honeymooned in New England. We had lobster, clam chowder and stayed in Bed & Breakfasts. Who were we kidding? Our marriage was tested immediately. We survived 10 days of driving long hours in the car- him not asking for directions, me insisting we needed to stop for Maine Coon cat souvenirs. We stayed in Inns with no room service and squeaky bed frames. Why we didn’t go to Mexico and sit beside a pool getting drinks brought to us and endless room service, I don’t know. But that was 15 years ago. And we would do it again. But this time we would have GPS to guide us through the endless and confusing highway system of downtown Boston. We would do it, and we would ENJOY IT!

Well that was fun. ONLY 15?? Gosh I could keep going…

The present. I keep waiting for it to be gift wrapped.

If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. -Lao Tzu

I usually post with frivolity or rants. I’m not one to wane all philosophical. And can I just say, those Easterners have a corner stone on the inspirational posts. Must be all the zen-ness. Ghandi, the Dali Lama, Confucius…

This quote made me think of The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein. A beloved book of mine growing up. When I would read it to my kids, I would cry at the end. As much as you like it as a child, you never realize it’s importance until you are a grown up. You need to live  the years of maybe some regret, some lack of perspective. Some selfishness. To realize opportunities that passed you by. To realize people maybe you didn’t appreciate as much as you should have.

So today, I will enjoy the present. I’m going to enjoy it even if it comes in a Target plastic bag or a paper lunch sack. Not all presents come wrapped like Martha Stewart demonstrating the beauty of paper made from pressed wild flowers. Maybe the present is wrapped in the Sunday Comics section. I like to imagine it in a Cartier ring box. But that’s okay. Sometimes it’s just a ratty old gift bag Aunt Edna has re-gifted many times over.

However your present comes to you today, make the most of it.

“The clock is running. Make the most of today. Time waits for no man. Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That’s why it is called the present.” ~Alice Morse Earl

From Corsets to Yoga pants; face it- we’ve all given up.

Have you noticed something? I mean, it’s not news or anything. We’re fat. Americans are fat. Okay we get it. But how in THEE hell did this happen?? (Rhetorical question, don’t really answer it, just play along okay?)

We are wearing tracksuits and yoga pants every damn day, and we just get fatter, and fatter….

We went from corsets, girdles and garters, to just garters, to women’s lib bra burning to sports bras, miracle bras, wonderbras… SPANX and dundadddaaa— Yoga Pants!!

We Americans wear our fitness gear ALL the time. We wear Yoga pants and don’t do yoga. We wear sweat pants and haven’t sweated.

We wear track suits and don’t go to the track. And yet…we got bigger, and bigger, and bigger! We should be a super elite society of athletes. But NO! We are a lazy bunch of couch potato, Wal-mart shopper, Frappachilly swirl shake drinking slobs! Pathetic I say! Pathetic!

Yes- I’m wearing Lululemon lounge pants as I write this. Because dammit, I am lazy. I don’t want to get up and put on control top hose, heels and pearls to do housework. How the hell did Donna Reed do that??

She's saying, 'oh look, I'm all dressed up to do the dishes.'

We went from wearing the most uncomfortable clothes, being thin, small-boned, floor scrubbing (unless you lived in the south, then your maid did all that for you) to having freedom, comfort, Lycra, and doing….nothing.

Okay- hold on to your Hanes Her Ways right there. Don’t get them all in a bunch. I am not here to say we are lazy. Not all of us. Just some of us. And me. I’m lazy. I admit this. I know we work hard. We raise our kids, work outside the home, volunteer with PTA, carpool, shop for organic groceries at Whole Foods, go to book club, wine club, Bunco club, church, Bible study. WE are soooooo busy!!

Do you see where I’m going with this? Simple equation- corsets, delicate ladies, tiny waists- fast forward 80 years- Lycra, elastic waists, knits = FAT ASS. Even our feet are getting bigger. Have you looked at vintage shoes? My feet are like a Chinese basketballs player’s foot compared to the ladies of our grandmother’s generation or before that.

Let's go run and get smoothies! -What I can't hear you my track suit makes this loud rustling sound!

I’m not making any scientific revelations here. I have no data to back anything up. This is just my opinion (cough <<bullshit>> cough).

What happened?

I remember a Seinfeld episode when George said if a man leaves his house in sweat pants he’s given up on the world. People? Have we given up?

I’m not saying pearls and hats and gloves, but how about  we go to work out in the work out attire, and then wear normal clothes in public? At least try?

Okay, I will. Just let me finish this Cinnabon here and my Starbucks and I’ll get right on that.

Since when is it okay to be mean?

After reading a couple headlines the other day, it struck me that things are a little out of control lately.

I can think of three examples:

Pat Robertson thinks Peyton Manning should get injured.

Kim Kardashian had flour dumped on her.

The shooting range lady told Rick Santorum to picture the target as Obama.

I’m a mom. No news there. I raise my kids to be nice. There’s anti-bullying awareness every where we look. It’s in our media, our schools, our homes. But what about just being nice? Bullying seems to be a buzz-word for any type of harassing or behavior that gives someone control over another person.

According to Google, the definition of a bully is “A person who uses strength or power to harm or intimidate those who are weaker.”

and, ‘Corned beef’. I’m not kidding. Google it.

Let’s focus on the first part of this definition. Power , harm and intimidation are the words that stand out to me.

Even among equals, there is bullying. But I suppose more times than not, the bully has an upper-hand to the bullied.

But let’s not get caught up in semantics about bullying. Let’s just go back to my original statement on being kind. We have lost this general fabric of our being. A simple part of humanity. Smiling at someone. Holding your tongue when you want to say what’s on your mind. Waving someone by that has cut you off. Maybe this is tolerance more than kindness. I’m not saying bring your neighbor a basket of muffins. Just be nice.

Mother Theresa says, “there are three important things in life; to be kind, to be kind, to be kind.”

Wow. She didn’t say, go to church, or honor they parents, or don’t steal. She said- be kind.

I read the news and Pat Robertson is pissed at the Broncos for trading Tebow. Does Pat Robertson not pay attention much to the NFL in general? News flash- players get traded. Tebow isn’t the only Christian in the NFL. He doesn’t have a corner stone on God with his Tebow bow down touchdown celebration. He’s just a guy. A guy who likes Jesus. A guy who likes Jesus that plays football. That’s all. There is no shrine in his honor. He didn’t win a Super Bowl. He’s a man. Just like Peyton Manning. Maybe Peyton Manning likes Jesus too. Maybe he just doesn’t feel the need to drop a knee in the end zone. Maybe he kneels at his bedside and says his prayers at the end of the day. Who knows. It doesn’t matter. They are football players. And Jesus doesn’t care more for which team Tebow plays for or doesn’t play for. Okay Pat? We clear? Don’t go saying, out loud, that Manning will get hurt and he probably deserves it. It’s just not nice. It isn’t KIND. It’s mean. If my kid’s Sunday School teacher said, “I hope your kid gets hurt playing t-ball for that other church!”, that would be mean. Really mean.

Kim Kardashian got flour dumped on her on the red carpet. Okay, I don’t need to rush to KK’s defense. I’m not going to. And you don’t care about another celeb on the red carpet doing their thing getting a whopping $100,000 for showing up in spray tan and 6-inch heels. My first thought was, ‘haha, KK got floured. That’s kind of funny!! Silly girl, serves her right!’

Then I thought, wait (yes, I know, I’m having a conversation in my head), whoever threw that flour is kinda mean. I mean, who goes around with a sack of Gold Medal unbleached flour and waits to throw it on some unsuspecting celebrity? What lack of a life and huge bone to pick do you have if you take the time to do this? Mean, I say. Mean.

This brings me to Rick Santorum at a firing range. Nothing about this guy I like. But I won’t be mean. I’ll just be nice. Either way, it’s not really his fault what transpired.  Santorum was at a firing range during one of his campaign stops. When he goes to shoot, a woman is overheard and says, “pretend it’s Obama”. He publicly denounced her quote and her identity is unknown. Not a big deal, because she sounded like she probably smokes a few packs a day and has no teeth. I doubt she’s on any watch list. However, it is still M E A N. Obama is our President. If you joked about shooting him while in line with TSA, I’m sure security would pull you aside. Same goes for George W. You don’t joke about shooting the President. Ever. I don’t like to joke about shooting ANYBODY. Don’t we have enough gun violence as it is? Hmm, Gabby Giffords, Trayvor Martin, Chardon, OH; Bremerton, WA, Columbine…the list goes on…  It was a mean comment. Period. Geeze lady, shut your pie hole.

Where does this bring us? If half this country wants to bring this country back to whatever it was whenever it wants it to be. And the other half wants to just feed non GMO food and keep guns out of the hands of the wrong people, and keep women’s healthcare a choice left up to women, the first thing we have to do, ALL OF US- is be nice. Be Kind, be kind, and be kind. Not mean.

It’s not how I was raised.

Happy “Bring your dog to the movie theater day” Hunger Games?

I know today is National Puppy Day. Does this mean folks can bring their dogs with them to public places at will? The thing about dogs in public, is this- you either have a service animal or you have a pet. Pets that are small and undetectable, if it’s not bothering me, I don’t really care. Yes, I see ladies at Target with Pomeranians in their cart. Weird. But does it upset me? Not really.

A large lab type dog breed, brought in against it’s will to be forced to sit on the movie theater floor during a 2 hour film is a different story.

I was seated towards the back. I see a couple come in and get seats towards the front. The woman sits down and the guy is dragging this dog on its leash. It’s clearly afraid, doesn’t want to be there or something. It is NOT a service animal. Maybe that’s what they told the folks at the front. I thought there was a no-pet policy at the theater. I guess you tell people it’s a service dog and they give you the ‘all clear’.  As far as I know, service animals don’t cower.

Soon after that, a family comes in with an infant AND a toddler. OH- did I mention I was seeing The Hunger Games? Yeah. Totally stoked for this movie. Read all three books a year ago and was anxious for its release. Am I bringing MY kids? Sure, later this weekend. They are almost 12 and 9, have read the books and can tolerate certain subject matter. Would I take them if they were 2? NO.

This family sits in the row directly behind me. Throughout the film, the baby made noises, not awful ones, just little squawks and sounds now and then. The toddler had to be taken out multiple times for its chatty-ness. Can’t blame the poor thing.

I love movies. My kids love movies. James and I usually go to a movie on date nights. Between the years of 2000 and 2006, I didn’t go to a movie unless it was a children’s film, or with James and we got a sitter. That is what happens when you have children. You make sacrifices. You make choices. It’s the way life works. You don’t drag your babies to whatever film you happen to want to see at the time just because YOU want to see it. It’s not fun for them, you or the fellow movie goers.

Yes, it’s real extravagant of me to be able to go to a movie in the middle of the day. Or is it? Actually, it’s quite thrifty of me. Ticket prices are cheaper. My kids are in school. I have other obligations for them in the evenings with their activities, or if James and I were to go together, we would have to pay for a sitter. So going to a movie in the middle of the day, is really like meeting a friend for lunch. About 15 bucks and a couple hours of free time.

So when I go to a movie. I like to enjoy it. I don’t like it ruined by animals or children. Call me a bitch, it’s just how I feel. I don’t know why people are so insensitive to the etiquette of going to the theater. Lately, I have to shush people, tell them to stop kicking my seat or glare at them for letting their kid play Doodle Jump on their iPad during the film. I’m a rule follower. I silence my cell phone, I don’t talk to my neighbor, I try to chew my popcorn only during the loud scenes and not during the poignant, quiet ones. I don’t rustle around in my purse for Red Vines. WHY can’t other people do the SAME??? Oh, and by the way, the dog chose to bark right when Katniss kissed Peeta in the cave.

If you don’t know the story, don’t go to the movie and ask your neighbor a bunch of questions towards the end during the climactic scene. I don’t want to overhear, “no remember the poison berries….yeah no, that’s in the second one….. oh, what about Gale…. does President Snow come back…..where’s Buttercup?” Geeze people!! SHUT UP!

I make sure my pets are safe at home during the day, and that my children are somewhere appropriate as well. Again- I’ve made the effort, so can THEY!

Consideration folks. It’s free. It’s not hard. Just takes a couple of seconds to think of someone other than yourself. If you use some consideration, your pets and children will thank you.

Oh yeah, Hunger Games was good. Go see it. Just check the theater for pets and babies first.

I fucking hate cancer.

Don’t get all uppity on me because I swore. I’m really pissed. Dear God I’m so grateful I haven’t had cancer. I do what I can to live healthy and hopefully prevent it. But I know so many, too many who have fought and won, and fought and lost this goddamn battle. Whether it’s my parents, relatives, friends, friend’s children….ugh! STOP!

I wasn’t going to run in the Race for the Cure this year. My hips bother me lately when I run. But screw it. Now I am. I was thinking of hanging up my running shoes and just sticking to making donations. But darn it, life has a different plan. I’ve run 3 Race for the Cures. I have done the Susan G Komen 3 day as well. I’m tired of breast cancer. But I’m not too tired to fight. There’s so many who are fighting for their lives. So the least I can do is run dammit!

I was heading out for some errands while the kids were in school. The weather had been tempting me with some sunshine and I was dreaming of a pair of wedge, cork, sandals. I pictured them in my post this week (Welcome to the party…). They were on sale and I figured, with our tight budget, the least I can afford is a $40 pair of adorable spring sandals to get me in the mood for some warmer weather.

But then the call came from my friend. I hate those calls. Those texts. Those emails. They have that fucking ‘c’ word in them. And by ‘c’ word, I don’t mean ‘C U Next Tuesday’. THAT word is pretty harmless when you think of what the ‘c’ word is that I’M talking about. I’ve had one too many of those types of messages either by phone or computer that say someone has cancer.

So I went out to the store on my errands and got to thinking. I really don’t need those sandals. I want those sandals, but I don’t need them. What I DO need is a new pair of running shoes since the ones I own are 2 years old and have seen 100s of miles already. Not good for the pronating and plantar fasciitis feet of mine.

So I found -whattdya know, a $40 pair of Nikes at Nordstrom Rack. Hey, they have orange in them kinda like the sandals I wanted.

I resent those shoes. Not because ‘it was them or the sandals’ due to budget. But why I had to buy them. I will run the Race for the Cure. But I’m so pissed I need to.

These are them.

I’ve dedicated my races to Julie, Shannon, Jessica, My Aunt Gudrun, and now M. She’s very private, and I don’t know yet of our friends who actually know. I don’t even know if she reads my blog.

So I will fire up my iPod and make new playlists.

This one is always on there:

The reason for this race is the fundraising. If you feel compelled to give- click here and donate to my team- thanks! Race for the Cure Fundraising.

Yep- I flew on a trapeze.

There’s things in life I haven’t done, and probably never will- like bungee jump, sky dive or go in a hot air balloon. But I’m pretty proud of when I signed up for a flying trapeze class.

There’s this place in Seattle that gives you the basics on trapeze. They are a circus school -SANCA. Yep, you can join the circus and you don’t even have to run away from home.

So I heaved my late 30s body onto the platform and hung on to that metal bar for dear life. You know the phrase- “scared the shit out of me”- well, I did NOT put a dooky in my panties, but oh boy- I had to pucker for dear life.

Let me say- I’m afraid of heights. The climb up the 20 foot ladder felt like climbing a sheer rock cliff. Yes, I had a safety harness. But my legs got heavier and heavier the higher I got.

Once you make it to the platform, this Tinkerbell size of a pixi woman, holds on to your belt and then a second pixi holds the trapeze bar for you and down below is the guy with the trapeze on a tether. You see these two tiny women, with no safety harness, on this little square platform and you try to act as confident as they are. You put your toes on the edge of the platform (oh God, my palms are sweating just writing this!) and you reach out to the trapeze bar. THAT MOTHER FUCKER IS H E A V Y!! I’m holding on to it with one hand, my second hand is still hanging on to the safety rope with Pixi #1. Pixi #2 is telling me to put both hands on the bar. I’m telling her I don’t want to. She is telling me I have no choice. I’m glad that I’m wearing dark pants, because I think I have tinkled out of fear, just a little bit.

Well, I willed my hands onto that bar, and when they told me, I jumped. The video is not so great- a stranger was shooting it and I don’t know why they held my camera sideways.

When you watch the video listen carefully- you can hear me screaming- you can hear the guy on the ground giving the directions- he’s saying- ”open your eyes, take a breath,” OPEN YOUR EYES!  Ha!

That will be my circus trick- The trapeze lady who can fly with her eyes closed! What can I say, closing my eyes is my coping mechanism. If I’m a passenger in a car and someone cuts us off and I’m anticipating impact- I close my eyes. Someone jumps out behind a door to say boo- I close my eyes. Closing your eyes makes the scary stuff go away.

In short- after this first time in the video- and yes- I flipped off in a dismount, thankyouverymuch! I did it THREE more times!!

I felt like a FUCKING ROCK STAR!

Then in the morning I couldn’t put on my socks, wipe my butt or hold my coffee cup, my arms hurt so bad. Okay, an old rock star.

Yep- that’s me on the flying trapeze- click here for the funny.

Please go to the Circle of Moms pink badge on the right and vote for me.  Contest is over tomorrow and I need all the votes I can get just to make it in the Circle of 25. Dreams of a talk show, book deal, photo shoot, and personal chef are going to become a reality I just know it!  SO share me, tweet of me, put it in sky-writing. PLEASE! I’m just a little blogger that could. thank you.

Welcome to the party, and why the hell am I called Frugalista?

I want to just fess up and say that I think my blog name is stupid. I remember 6 months ago when I was coming up with my whole blog in the first place, I wanted a name that was cool like The Bloggess. I was also a little intimidated because this was my first blog and I was very self conscious about my writing. I really just threw caution to the wind and jumped in like people do for those Polar Bear plunges jumping in icy waters. Crazy! I say, crazy! So needless to say, I wasn’t going to name my blog Her Royal Highness, the Blog Writer. Now I’m kinda wishing I did.  Because, I feel like I can do anything. I practically wear a cape when I write. I feel invincible.

But I won’t kid you- criticism is totally my kryptonite.

Okay, so I’m not Superwoman. Or Wonder Woman. I couldn’t fit into those hot pants. But the boots are pretty cool… I might rock those cuffs pretty good too….

I'm sure most of you men are thinking, 'why is that picture so friggin' small?'.

I fall into the category of mommy blogger. For obvious reasons because I’m a mom, I write about my ‘stay at home’ adventures of car pool and bed times. The name Frugalista came to me because it seemed a good play on words for my savvy bargain hunting and my desire to be at Paris Fashion Week. So for those that are new to this page- now you know.

Remember that FRIENDS episode where Rachel makes the Christmas dessert trifle from a magazine recipe and the pages get stuck together? She puts meat inside the trifle because she thought that was part of the recipe. I’m that meaty center. Unexpected, maybe tasty, maybe not your cup of tea, but unique. So there.

I do blog about shopping and things I like. I like sharing what makes me happy. I am NOT a couponer. I’m like those new Ellen JCPenney commercials- no coupons on this padre!

So between the bitching about my husband, my kids, random people in the news, my obsession with movies… you know- I like to talk about great shopping deals, makeup, and cute little fashion finds. But I also have to pretend to my husband that I don’t shop EVER, except for groceries.  All that makeup, clothes and shoes, procreate like Gremlins after midnight in my closet. Right?

Despite what the calendar says, it is not Spring here yet.  It’s between the 30s and 40s for a high in these great northwest parts. So I’m ready to bust out my spring looks but hate hypothermia, so I’m still in fleece, wool and Goretex.

If I WERE to get all fashiony, these are my gems of what I’m excited about-

Colored denim. At first I was like all, you won’t catch me in yellow jeans. But then I saw a couple friends in cute skinny jeans that were colored and they looked SO cute. So I got a pair of cobalt blue. Hey, it’s close to denim right? So bright blue it is with a pop of orange or teal, oh, and some cute wedges and a pedi…. oh Spring, just GET HERE ALREADY!

WANT!

It's like Skittles for pants.

Scarves- I’m obsessed with scarves. I have more scarves than Imelda Marcos has shoes. Well, not quite. Maybe more scarves than Paris Hilton has chihuahuas.  I have plenty of warm weather, cold weather and all the weather in between scarves. I like something soft and lightweight around my neck (ha ha, no, not a dog collar thankyouverymuch).  Even when it’s warm out, having  a light weight scarf can serve several purposes- helps shield the sun from your decollete and keeps off the chills if the a/c is cranked somewhere.

Look how pretty and bright that is!

I bought at least three at H&M. They have wonderful prices and lots of great neutrals. I got a bright orange one at Nordstrom that was less than $20. I’m thinking it’s like my personal piece of sunshine to take with me wherever I go!

Next, let’s talk product-

Beauty Balms- For the ultra product-savvy, you know what these are. The industry calls them BB creams. For those that don’t know- these are like a tinted moisturizer that have SPF, primer, and brightening properties all in one product. They come on the really high-end like Dior- to the first ever at the drugstore brand- Garnier. I have yet to try the Garnier one, it’s sold out wherever I go. But the Dior one is great and so is one by Boscia. Some have one tint fits all, some have shades. If you are a less is more person- this is for you. You’ll get some coverage and sun protection in one product. Bam! You’re welcome.

Hair products-

There’s a line of products out there by ALTERNA  called Bamboo. I love their glossing creams and root sprays. They seem to have what the label promises, organic ingredients and I seem to be going back to them even though my bathroom looks like a Sephora store.

Find this at Ulta or Sephora.

Entertainment-

Yeah, I’m the queen of TV. Although, it seems as much TV as I watch, people will ask if I’m watching a show and I realize I haven’t been. So I know that I’m not watching EVERY show out there. Even though it seems that way to my husband.

GCB- the new show on ABC with Kristen Chenoweth, who I love! It’s over the top, ridiculous and campy. Perfect for me! Check it out!

And yes, she does sing on the show!

So there you have it. Like a little dish of candy all served up nice and sweet. Thanks for joining me. Tune in next week when I write about…. wait for it…. PMS- just like always. Okay, I don’t really know if I will, but 8 out of 10 posts seem to deal with that, so there’s a good chance of it in the forecast.

Dear Weight Watchers, I would like to lose my post-partum baby weight too.

I heard that Jessica Simpson has already penned a deal with Weight Watchers to lose her post-partum weight. That is fantastic! So many folks and bloggers are discussing how this could be negative to other expecting mothers and what message this sends. I’m sorry. What message does it send? Uhm, women like to lose weight after having a baby? Yeah, that message. Oh, maybe the message is ‘it’s not fair some women get paid to lose their baby weight?’ Yeah, that’s the message I get.

I put on 40+ pounds with each kid. I have two kids. I say ‘+’ because I don’t remember the final number when they weighed me before delivery. Considering with both pregnancies I put on 5 pounds of water in 24 hours due to high blood pressure right before I delivered. Do you know what happens to midsection flesh that’s given 5 pounds of water within a few hours? STRETCHMARKS. On my ankles. And my ass. Just like when your milk comes in overnight to what were size 32AA boobs. STRETCHMARKS. The skin was so thin on my chest I could actually see my heart beating through my rib cage. Okay, not really. I like to exaggerate a smidge.

This is not me. I didn't take a picture of my stretch marks. But clearly, this is exactly the reason I was not asked to pose on the cover of Elle naked and pregnant. The only reason, I'm sure.

Back to Jessica- I would LOVE to be paid to lose some baby weight. I’m 9 years post partum and I think I’m a perfect candidate to be Weight Watcher’s spokesperson. I have yet to lose those last stubborn 10 pounds. The first 30 pounds were easy. Have you heard of breast feeding? IT BURNS CALORIES! Yes, folks. Mothers all know this little gem of the first 6 weeks of  post partum. You are burning calories like Michael Phelps training for the Beijing Olympics. If you breast feed an Owen, like I did, you will be nursing every 45 minutes and sweating during a June heat wave. I lost 6 pounds a day in liquid. I swear.

When you’re pregnant with a girl, like Jessica is, you gain weight like an inner tube. With a boy, you carry like a beach ball. I looked like I swallowed a Boppy when I was pregnant with Emma. When your blood pressure spikes, like mine did, your face puffs up like Lindsay Lohan after her Dysport injections. Your feet don’t even fit in your husband’s shoes. It’s sad. But, that’s what breast feeding is for. Or at least those first 6 weeks when the uterus likes to contract back to it’s original size. OH, wait? You mean, you don’t remember reading that in any pregnancy books? It was the very fine print that came with an asterisk, I’m sure. Yeah, bleeding nipples, maxi pads the size of Smart Cars and cramps. Mother fucking cramps like a period you never dreamed of.  At least that’s what happened to me.

A Boppy pillow. Also known as my waist.

It’s not fair that celebrities get stuff for free, stuff paid for, multi-million dollar endorsement deals to pay for their trainers and nutritionists. Don’t you think she would lose the weight anyway? She doesn’t need a contract to encourage her. Am I jealous that she gets to eat whatever the hell she wants and knows that after the baby is born she will be making serious cash and eating watercress from her treadmill not thinking about deprivation because she will be so flippin rich? Yes. I am.

Why you would wear this, pregnant or not, I don't know. But if Weight Watchers wants me to- I will.

So, like I said; Dear Weight Watchers, please give me a multi-million dollar endorsement deal to lose my last 10 pounds of baby weight. Apparently, I didn’t have enough incentive all these years.  I wish Jessica the best with her new baby girl Maxipad Maxi, but I deserve the money and the incentive more. I’m almost 40, my kids need to go to college and my husband and I need a retirement fund. I can represent ‘real moms’ everywhere, not just celebrity moms that get shit done for them anyway. It would be a miracle to have what 80% of the women in my age and demographic have called, ‘the last 10 pounds’ to be gone for good.

Thank you.

Sincerely,

Frugalista

Jessica Simpson to sign with Weight Watchers to lose her baby weight.

 

Eat your vegatables. I am!

It’s been 4 weeks since my post, (The Reluctant Vegan) about my primarily, plant-based diet. And yes, I’m still following it.

I’m not Vegan vegan. If you know what I mean. I don’t wear hemp, I will eat honey and I cheat with seafood from time to time. I am following the Engine 2 diet.

But I’ve stayed true to no milk, butter, cream, eggs, cheese, fowl or beef. My palette almost feels cleansed. Like what a smoker must feel like when they’ve given up smoking and their senses return. Foods taste richer now. And I enjoy the vegetables and grains I eat. I eat organic as much as possible and fresh, not canned and frozen only occasionally. Which is fine, since most freezing of vegetables is done right after harvesting and you are getting quite a fresh product. I read labels all the time. I look for non GMO. But don’t send the junk food police because there is a box of Pop Tarts in my pantry along with a bag of Ruffles. Yeah, whatever- sue me.

Also- a big part of this diet- nothing processed or fried. You don’t just go out for sushi and have tempura vegetables instead. Too much fat. Not that I wouldn’t, just saying, that’s not part of the plan.

Kale chips are a huge part of my daily snacking. I make a fresh batch a few times a week. A drizzle of lemon juice, sea salt, olive oil baked until they are just crisp but still bright green- are so good. They do get stuck in your teeth so do a quick mirror check before answering the door or going out to the school bus stop. You’ll look like this if you don’t:

Another fun snack is popcorn. I make it on the stove. I don’t have an air popper, but if I did, that would be awesome.

Whole Foods has these bean chips and rice and lentil chips. They are so good. I still try not to go overboard though. Just because they are ‘healthy’, doesn’t mean you eat the whole bag!

Emma and I did go out for southwest mexican the other day, and they had fresh deep fried corn tortillas. You bet your sweet Paula Deen ass, I ate those! The salsa was freshly made too- so good and smokey. Oh and I had fish tacos- the fish was fried. No cheese or anything though. But it was a cheat day. And I felt B L O A T E D that night. Just sharing.

I went to a neighborhood ale house, The Whistle Stop and enjoyed the portobello burger they had. It was juicy and flavorful. I went to dinner with friends to a local restaurant called Tilth. It was heaven. Everything was so fresh and delicious.  They had a vegan and vegetarian menu to choose from aside from their main menu. The smoked bean cassoulet with mushrooms was outstanding!! The hazlenut chocolate sorbet was so good, I licked the bowl. It’s nice that there’s restaurants out there like this where I live. I like supporting small and local. We don’t always need to be eating good in the neighborhood with the chains, you know.

Beef and meat in general is getting a lot of bad press. And you don’t need a PhD in nutrition to agree with the information out there. Ammonia was accepted by our FDA as an additive in Ground beef. Lovely. Chicken nuggets at McDonald’s were made with pink ooze. They say they’ve stopped now. I just won’t eat there anymore. Even my kids don’t want to. But those that do, I’m not judging. We just prefer Five Guys, Chipotle or other local ‘fast food’ options that aren’t the big chains with mystery meat.

An article in Huffington Post was called, Meat is the New Tobacco.  I won’t go as far as to say I categorically agree with that statement, BUT and I mean a BIG Pork ‘BUT’, I do feel we have been duped by the meat and dairy industries and our FDA. There is big money in beef and cheese. Lentils are cheap. Let’s hope they stay that way.

Considering the top killers in our society today are diet related, – obesity, heart disease, diabetes, high blood pressure, cancer, don’t you think we have an epidemic when it comes to food? We are literally poisoning ourselves. Processed, GMO, chemically treated, hydrogenated-this, bleached-that, sodium, refined sugar… ugh.

For those of you who are worried about my nutrition, I haven’t felt better. And I take my vitamins. It takes research, time and effort to stick to a diet like this and get the most from it. I don’t just have a salad and bread for dinner. My lunch can be braised brussel sprouts, black beans on pita bread with avocado. My snacks are fruit, nuts and LARA bars; kale chips, popcorn, squares of dark chocolate as a treat. Dinner might be couscous with a saute of mushrooms, onions and spinach or lentils. There’s so much out there. Mix it up, keep it colorful and cook fresh. A simple equation.

Isn’t it weird that milk has more sodium than calories? Have you ever read the label?  Almond milk has less calories, more calcium and very little sodium than cow’s milk.

Hmmm,

Bottom line- I’m eating to live better. I want to prevent cancer and disease. I want my kids to develop healthy eating habits. To cook their own food, to know where their food comes from. To eat kind.

Here’s an interesting article relating meat consumption to cancer: Cancer project.org

I’m not here to say I will never eat meat or dairy again. I’ve had baked goods here and there, bites of meat now and then. I’m doing what makes me happy. (Psst, even my husband says he would like to try eating less meat and more plants.) Shh, you didn’t hear that from me.

So don’t mail me some pig head or drop off some cow’s hoof on my front porch to protest my new habits. If I said, I’m going to eat Pop Tarts and only foods that come in a box or package for two weeks, people wouldn’t bat an eye. But tell them you aren’t eating meat or dairy, their jaws drop. The only thing I like dropping is my blood pressure, cancer risk, and cholesterol.

Okay, it’s time for my Circle Of Moms contest plug. And not like Hair Plugs for Men, all you have to do is click here and vote for me- I think the prize is a new Mercedes, or a fridge magnet, I don’t remember.

Circle of Moms Funny Moms Contest- CLICK HERE!