I have watched the Olympics all my life. I remember Nadia Comaneci, Mary Lou Retton, and even Kerri Strugg. Those are gymnasts by the way, in case you haven’t followed the Games like I have.
Now I’m watching with my kids. And every night before I go to bed. I LOVE the Olympics. But the gymnastics on until fucking midnight is not doing me any favors. I have Al Trautwig’s voice in my head throughout the day. Tim Daggett and Elfi Schlegel are like my inner voice. These gymnasts are doing fucking amazeballs skills on 4 inches of beam, a floor, some high bars. I mean come on. They’re all like, ‘oh, did you see the bobble?’, ‘that little step to the side will cost her gold’. Stuff like that.
I can only imagine if they followed me around all day and gave color commentary on everything I do. It would go something like this:
Me getting out of bed, creaky on my feat and hobbling from soon- to-be 40 joints.
Elfi- “This is not one of her strong routines. She’s looking slower and tired each morning. The alarm has gone off and she’s a little slow out of the gate. This will be a two-tenths deduction.”
Al- “Do you think that the years are starting to take a toll on her? This isn’t some 28 year old first time mom anymore. She’s a veteran now in her age bracket.’
Me putting on the kettle to make my tea, getting out my thyroid meds, the cat food and letting out the dog to go pee.
Tim- “She used to not have to take so many medications. I think she knows she’s slowing down, but still hanging in there. If you think this is something new in this year’s routine, wait until you see all the vitamins, chia seeds, and crazy green stuff she drinks to keep her edge.”
Me spilling tea on my t-shirt.
Elfi- “Her skills walking and drinking are almost always clean. Ooh, a little bobble there. That’ll be a one-tenth deduction. If she wants to stay clean until her cup of coffee after 2nd breakfast, she’s going to have to tighten her game here.”
Me scooping the cat box.
Al- “This is the kind of thing she dreamed of as a kid. She always wanted pets. Remember, she was the one who didn’t want the dog. But realized scooping cat poop is no fun either. I see no no clumps have been left behind, this will score well with the judges. And here comes the cat…”
Me getting in my skinny jeans.
Tim- “She always has such heart with every performance. Don’t ignore the fact that these jeans are out of the dryer. The difficulty in this routine is so much higher than the other moms who just slap on a pair of yoga pants. She’s getting in them…look at her squeeze into them! But she nailed the landing, she’s going to win favor over the judges for sure!”
Have you been keeping track of my deductions? I think I’m somewhere around a score of 8.5 right? Not bad I guess.
Someone out there must think I’m a 10.
Excuse me, I just sneezed-
Tim- “She bobbled a little there, well, actually, she dribbled a little with that sneeze. That’s a two-tenths deduction for sure just wetting her pants like that. This is what separates the older competitors from the younger ones. She’ll be back in the gym with those kegels for sure after this.”