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The Hobbit- an Unexpected frickin’ long journey with grubby little dwarf men

Please Tolkien-ites out there- don’t be mad. I dig all the Lord of the Rings movies, and I’m a total fan of Hobbits. More the actual Hobbits themselves. I’ve never read any of the books. I’m more in love with the charm of the Shire and their furry big feet and their love of second breakfast. I’ve been partaking in second breakfast before I knew it was a ‘thing’.

We went as a family to The Hobbit over the weekend and overall it is a good movie.

But- my rambling brain and simplistic mind have a tendency to wander during long fantasy movies. I can’t help it. Also, the last 45 minutes I needed to pee, so I was really distracted. I hate getting up during movies, so I stayed in my seat and suffered. Thank heavens none of the final scenes had a rushing river or waterfall.

Spoiler alert-

Okay really? Is there a spoiler alert when it comes to a movie about a book? I mean, you either already know what’s going to happen or nobody really cares if you end up knowing what’s going to happen. AND, this is the first of three movies, so it ends in a cliff hanger of sorts. So you’re not getting any closure or resolution any way from the end of the film. I’m not sure how you can spoil a ‘non’ ending.

I was delighted to see that Hobbit Frodo makes an appearance in this picture. He’s my favorite Hobbit. Not only does he sport the Hobbit-Michael Landon shag so nicely, he has deep blue eyes and a miraculous complexion. Since this movie is to take place several years prior to the Lord of the Rings series, but in reality, the actors in this movie are a good decade older than they were in the LOTR movies, it’s a little unnatural. And Gandolf is starting to show his age more than his 800 years or whatever. But in Elijah Wood’s case, he has aged backwards. The boy doesn’t look a day over 19 and he’s already in his 30s. Did I mention his complexion? Seriously, what does this guy use? I want some.

I think Elijah Wood would make a fabulous addition to our family. He could be an older brother to Emma and Owen and like a little pet for me. I’m not sure where my obsession with him comes from, but it is purely platonic, you can understand, right?

Okay, then there’s all these dwarfs showing up at poor Hobbit Bilbo Baggins’ house. I don’t blame him for being upset that they went through his pantry and ate all his food and messed up his doilies and bathroom with goodness knows what #1 and #2 a dwarf can make. I can only imagine what dwarf poop is like. And we aren’t talking cute little lawn dwarf garden gnomey types- these are rugged, outdoorsey, stinky hairy dwarfs. What is up with their facial hair? They all have weird names like Dingey, Wingey, Flingey and Thrain. Sort of. The head dwarf is named Thorin or thomething. Every time thomeone talks around him it thounds like their lithping.

So they go on this ‘unexpected journey’ which sounds like the only person who wasn’t expecting it is Bilbo. Everyone else was expecting and planning on it. But it would be weird to call the movie, “An unexpected journey for Bilbo Baggins but all the other characters know about it.”

Let me summarize- on their journey, they encounter trolls, goblins, orcs and elves. Elves are good. But the dwarfs are pissed at the Elves for not helping them out when the dragon invaded their mountain village long ago.

Elves are probably the most in conjunction with my lifestyle. I would be a vegan elf wearing long yards of chiffon and skilled artisan crafted gold jewelry. And by the way, during the entire Cate Blanchett elf scene, I kept obsessing over HER complexion. I know she is the spokesmodel for SKII skin care and I kept looking at her milky white skin. Trust me, I’m very close to ordering some for myself, but I hesitate, knowing this is a movie folks, I can’t be suckered into every product especially when there’s CGI involved. Have you figured out by now that between Elijah Wood and Cate Blanchett I’m considering kidnapping them both and wearing their skin? It’s kind of obvious isn’t it?

The arch enemy of the movie is the Pale Orc. He’s a nasty bugger that has a bone to pick with Thorin head dwarf. I won’t go into details, but Pale Orc looks like they took the skin from my abdomen and peeled it over his body. It’s pale and full of silvery stretch marks. Not pretty. Not that orcs are ever pretty, but this one is particularly ugly. I think he could’ve been a little uglier and hairy-er. They kind of held back on this guy if you ask me. I remember in LOTR when the orcs rose out of the ground all muddy and gooey. This guy was quite dry and non-muddy. Maybe he is an orc that bathes?

Lots of dirt, orc snot and dwarf hair later, there’s some epic battles and a goblin king that kind of looks like Jabba the Hut in a diaper. Or Old Uncle Bob with a giant goiter. It’s not pretty.

I saved the best for last- Gollum. Poor little Gollum. Maybe some of you aren’t so sympathetic to him, but I see an infant old man child that needs some klonopin and maybe some long johns and a poncho. His big blue eyes, not like Frodo’s blue eyes, but still, they tug at my heart strings. And then greedy little Bilbo had to go and steal his ring. Hindsight says that was a big mistake. But just watching little Gollum shed a tear made me think of Dobby in Harry Potter. Of course, Dobby had more teeth and even a pillow case to wear. I still think Gollum would be friendlier if someone brought him a Snuggie. It’s probably really cold in that dark, wet cave.

By the time the movie ended, not only did I have to pee like something fierce, I had that movie snack malaise that comes with the poor decision of snarfing down a tub of buttered popcorn and a KitKat bar. The only thing in my favor was that the tub was being shared by four people and McSweetie hogged most of it. I’m sure he thought he was doing me a favor.

I was happy to find a restroom which of course had a line and no toilet paper. Also, getting actual food in my system was necessary. If they show a Hobbit movie, that’s 3 hours long, there should be an intermission with tea and scones provided.

I’m considering a Twitter campaign to Peter Jackson for the next one. Maybe he’ll incorporate my intermission idea.

That would be….’precious’, don’t ya think? (sorry, couldn’t resist.)

 

 

What are you doing New Year’s Eve?

I made the mistake of subscribing to Cosmopolitan magazine awhile back. It was a mistake because I realized none of it pertained to me.

My life wasn’t in a place where I was wondering what the ethical ramifications were for doing it with my intern on my boss’ desk. Or what to do if I had a crush on my roommate’s boyfriend.

What does this have to do with New Year’s Eve you ask? Well, I was looking online and noticed a whole bunch of fashion and make up trends to try for the holidays. And I was like, “Da fuq?” Seriously? Do ‘normal’ people do this?

My cosmetics routine goes as far as to blur the fine lines around my eyes, make sure my hair is clean and hope to cover the enlarged pores around my nostrils.

But hey, everyone should have some fun. And it is the holidays. So let’s try something different.

The beautiful and talented, Kim at Let Me Start By Saying, made a trendy moms New Year’s Eve Trends post. It’s GORGEOUS. You should check out all the different ideas. Perhaps you will incorporate one for yourself. A bunch of us talented and seriously Vogue- magazine worthy ladies made some very Pinteresting pics for you.

 

I was going for the Ombre Lips trend. – Check it out here-

Reason To Live Friday #27- We survived Christmas

Okay, we did more than survive it. We sucked the life out of it and showed it who’s boss. Well, really, I just ate too much, drank a little too much and have become a vegetative shell of a human.

This is why bears hibernate during the winter. I don’t think mammals are programmed for much activity once the Winter Solstice kicks in. I’ve been sleeping in and so have the children, except Christmas morning- when Owen came in my room, “It’s 6:04 mom. You said we could get up at 6:00.”  Sure kid, Merry Christmas to you too.

I’ve been eating every carb in sight. This might not be new for you either. Cinnamon bread, scones, and coffee. You’d think I’d have more energy with the amount of coffee and sugar I am consuming. Far from it. I seem to just plan my day around which warm, caffeinated beverage I will have next. What creamer or syrup will it be this time? Gingerbread, pumpkin? Hazelnut? Coconut?

My waistline is starting to resemble Augustus Gloop’s mother’s. It’s starting to form into a tire shape with it’s own treads.

But enough complaining. We had a blast. The kids enjoyed their stuff. They were even (gasp) nice to each other and to us. I shall share with you a Christmas photo montage of our fabulous holiday.

Here goes-

 

But wait, there’s more. My best gift, aside from the Lululemon jacket McSweetie got me, or even the spending $$ my MIL got me, Emma wrote me a ‘vignette’. I writing assignment in Language Arts class that pretty much can have any content, no plot line and not even complete sentences. Sounds like my blog doesn’t it? Anyway- it went something like this-

“Mama is proud of me when I am performing, tears trickle down Mama’s face. Salty hot tears of joy swell up in her eyes. Those eyes that are forests. Forests in autumn when the leaves start to change, crisp, yellow. Mama’s eyes are a burst of all those trees changing, changing, changing. Mama is beautiful.”

Okay that’s all I can type until I start with my own hot salty tears again down my face.

Hope you all had a wonderful holiday!

Here’s to the New Year!

Reason To Live Friday #26 – Still trying to find happy

There’s a lot of folks out there that are sad. Sometimes I’m one of them. But my sadness comes and goes. I’ll watch news coverage of a young child’s funeral in Connecticut and burst into tears. I’ll look at my children and think how lucky I am that they are in front of me, and burst into tears. I’m lucky enough to be distracted away from my sadness. Unlike some people’s sadness that’s like a smudge that is stained on their skin. It will need to be washed again and again to start to fade.

I can be gripped with anxiety that makes me think irrational thoughts about my children’s safety. I can start to panic and feel my skin get that cold prickly feeling.

But I can also try to remember that if I don’t get my happy back, I can fall down a rabbit hole of never ending sadness.

When something awful happens to someone else, it brings up our feelings of grief and despair. I know people who have lost a loved one tragically, by their own hand even. I know people missing loved ones from cancer. Little loved ones. I worry about them at times like this. The holidays are bad enough. But to have constant images of grief and tragedy. Motorcades and balloon memorials.

Maybe they feel there is no point for them to go on living. That they too could just leave this earth, and things would go on, and the pain would be over. But that would just cause more pain for others.

Pain and sadness can be contagious. They can be a viscous cycle that doesn’t yield. The dark can keep creeping until the light has been snuffed out permanently.

Don’t let that happen.

We all need to find our happy. We feel guilty laughing. We feel guilty enjoying Christmas movies and cookies and presents. We feel guilty getting to have loved ones to spend these times with.

We need to stop feeling guilty. We deserve to be happy. We deserve to share the happy. Spreading kindness randomly. Sharing joy with others gives them more reason to share it to someone else.

And then it’s okay to be sad again too sometimes. Feelings are good. To feel pain, means that you will feel relief eventually. To feel grief, you will feel joy soon. See the pain as a window, a perspective. Tell yourself, I will look out this window, but only a short time. And then I will close it to open the door of happy once more.

Thankfully, children seem to have the best recipe for finding their happy. If we let them, they seem to flourish in their own lost thoughts. Thank heavens in times like this, their little brains can have the attention span of a flea.

Owen only gets sad if I remind him of sad things. His heart is naturally happy. He has given me plenty to laugh at this week in the area of farts, penis love and boogers. Yes, the Owen trifecta.

At a shop in the mall with all kinds of weird, crazy things like squirrel underpants, and bacon flavored gum, he sees a magnet that reads, I <3 my Penis.  He whispers to me so no one else can hear, “I do love my penis actually. It’s there for me when I’m bored.” Dear heavens son, only in the privacy of your bedroom please. He assures me, only in privacy.

Also this week, in a parking lot, Emma somehow was compelled by the power of song, and decided to belt out at the top of her lungs, “Santa Claus is Coming to Town”. I admit, I laughed and tinkled. I had to be careful not to literally pee my pants. She was skipping and singing, and on key too, as a matter of fact. Who says (almost) teenagers are self conscious?

I laughed heartily at the recent Saturday Night Live episode with Martin Short. I’m sure it was a little bit funny, but I seem to laugh harder when I desperately need it.

I’ll leave you the link to my favorite skit and you can check it out for your amusement. You’re a Rat Bastard Charlie Brown.

I heard the song on the radio “The Most Wonderful Time of the Year”, and thought it was Will Ferrell singing. But it was actually Robert Goulet. Which is funny because Will Ferrell impersonates Robert Goulet singing that song and apparently he does a good job. Or I’m just hard of hearing.

Just remember that there will always be light. We have to focus on that. On the giggles and the belly laughs. The sunshine and the snowflakes. That there is a tomorrow.

Peace to all of you my friends. Be safe. And shine your light.

 

Here we go a wassailing

Let’s drink and be merry, it’s the holidays!

I made wassail for you. Okay, it’s not really wassail, because it isn’t made from cider and it’s not to celebrate the apple harvest. But I digress… I made mulled wine and show you can too in this little video.

Holy crap, the cat video bombs- again! It’s 5 minutes and you can sit with your beverage and watch. I even sing. People, I don’t hold back for your entertainment.

And don’t forget to watch, click and share. I get paid in m&m’s for my videos now and you will save my mom so much trouble trying to accumulate all those views herself.

Behold:

 

 

Thankful for boogers and dribbles on the seat

Yep. I’m going to say it. I know, it’s a complete change of heart. Especially after all the complaining I do and when I threaten to go on strike. You guys know that’s just hyperbole right? (what a big juicy word, ‘hyperbole’)

Every day a child is taken too soon from this world. It’s the sad fact of life. Childhood cancer, bike accidents, car accidents happen every day. Children by the hundreds die in the  Sudan because of starvation and disease. Why did the Sandy Hook Elementary tragedy make such a difference for me? I don’t know. Maybe because it’s relatable to me based on the victims’ ages and location and its absolute randomness. It could happen anywhere.

So I’m still my snarky self. Trust me. But I decided first to remember before I gripe at my kids ONE MORE TIME about the clothes that needed picking up and the wrappers left randomly around the house, to take a breath, to speak calmly, and not let the little things bother me.

Will I still parent and make them hate me from time to time because I put my foot down on setting boundaries? You betcha. Will I do it with respect for them and their dignity? Absolutely.

This weekend I told McSweetie I’m not going to nag. He probably thought it was a Christmas miracle that came early. I will kindly ask him to remove his toenail clippings from the bathroom floor and whiskers from the sink. And then I’ll flash him my boobs when the kids aren’t around. It’s a win-win situation for both of us. He might start doing more chores, more often.

I will remember not to roll my eyes (it’s hard for me). I roll my eyes and see my brain sometimes. I will try not to get exasperated when Owen asks for the bajillionth time questions like this- “how tall is Marshawn Lynch from the Seahawks?” “How much money did Steve Jobs make before he died?” “Is the White House the biggest house in America?” “What kind of car am I going to drive when I get my license?” “Does Dad make more money than so and so’s dad?”

You get my point.

He is one inquisitive kid. But hey, what a blessing, right?

Then there’s Emma’s fits of absolute dissolve over something minor. But never tell a pre-teen girl ‘it’s not a big deal’. Because guess what? It’s a pretty big fucking deal I didn’t wash the socks she was planning to wear today.

I will remind her, without screaming at her, that I am not a mind reader. That I’m happy to wash her socks with the rest of the laundry after she gathers it up off her floor and into her hamper. But then I will smile, and hug her (but only when she’s ready, because hugging a pre-hormonal adolescent girl before she’s ready is as dangerous as wrangling an alligator.) I will smooth her hair and wipe her tears and offer her a snack.

Most often kids are cranky when they are hungry, so I will make sure she doesn’t need anything to eat.

So I think this will be a good plan. When Owen hands me a booger, the size of his thumb and announces, “I was digging for gold!” I will smile and tell him that his gold needs to be put in a kleenex treasure chest.

Those little stinkers!!

I love them and their boogers, and their tears, and their farts. And McSweetie’s toenails. I kinda love them. Sort of.

 

 

 

 

 

Peace in Connecticut

I don’t always like to blog about controversial topics. I don’t. But I’m a writer. So I write my feelings. My blog is my voice and I try to use my voice with a purpose.  Here are my thoughts on the horrible event at Sandy Hook elementary in Connecticut.

The fact of the matter is- I hate guns. But before all my NRA readers get hot under the collar at me- give me a chance here. I support the 2nd Amendment. Sure. I don’t like it, but that’s my opinion. You can carry a handgun. You can own hunting rifles. But get those mother fucking automatic assault rifles out of the hands of citizens. I don’t know why we don’t agree on that. The assault ban law expired years ago. Why?

So with that said, yes, I’m sure I’ve pissed some people off, BUT- here is what I know we can agree on. The persons who have committed these atrocities in the last year, and the last 10 years, all were mentally ill. Right? Nobody does this is thinking soundly. Clearly we can use these examples as a learning tool. Can’t we?

Politicians, lobbyists, activists, LISTEN UP- we need to stop reacting in a knee-jerk fashion, pointing fingers, spending millions of dollars on lobbying, blaming parties (this is not a party issue, I assure you.) I have Republican friends who hate guns and Democratic friends who own them. We need to get to the root of the problem and fix those who are mentally unsound.

It isn’t easy. I’m not stupid. But why do all the stories of family members and acquaintances to these criminals start with, “I knew something wasn’t right with them…”

I don’t know how you can argue your right to bear arms of a semi automatic firearm to a mother who’s 5 year old was gunned down while sitting in their Kindergarten class. Or tell the surviving children of that class why their teacher’s son came with so much fire power to kill his own mother and their classmates.

This could have happened anywhere, to anyone. It has. We’ve seen it. From Amish communities, high schools, movie theaters, places of worship… there is no place safe in America. There just isn’t.

So this is why I’m asking those that sound off in the argument on this to be kind, to be respectful, to honor those that are surviving the aftermath. Yes, people kill people. But guns used by people kill people too. Terrible things will continue to happen in our world. This event rips out our hearts because we can’t understand it. The fact is, more children die from auto accidents, bicycle accidents, and childhood cancer than they will from a mass shooting. But why does it always feel like there was something that could’ve been done?

30,000 people have friends and family members who are missing them in just this passed year lost to gun violence. My question is for all of us, what can we do to lower that number? What can we do to protect people’s rights, without threatening people’s safety.

What countries in our world have fewer gun deaths and better mental health provisions? What is their system? This isn’t a socialist or capitalist problem. This is an American problem. We need to honestly and thoroughly look at every single possibility we can do to prevent this, or minimize this from happening again.

The date on the calendar, 11 days until Christmas, makes this more painful. I think about the presents I’ve already wrapped for my children that are under the tree, that are unwrapped hidden around the house in special places. Their advent calendars happily opened each morning. I can’t not break into tears thinking of those advent calendar doors that will go unopened in those houses in Connecticut.

My heart is truly broken.

Peace. Truly, and sincerely- peace.

Reason to Live Friday #25- Feed the World

It’s been a while since I’ve done a Reason to Live Friday- so for today, I’m dedicating it to making the world better, one woman at a time.

 

Some of you may flinch at the memory of the 80s hit song- ‘Do they know it’s Christmas?’.  Personally, I love it. I do. It was created by Bob Geldof. Not Gandalf. Gandalf is the wizard in the Hobbit and Lord of the Rings books who has a long gray beard and carries a staff. Bob Geldof is a song writer and humanitarian. Sometimes it’s easy to confuse the two.

Okay, back to the song. There’s a few reasons I love listening to it. The bells and chords in it are pretty cool. Then there’s the game you play to identify which 80s British singer you are listening to when they sing their part. I’ll be in my car going, “oh, that’s Boy George.” Or “is that Simon LeBon?” George Michael and Bono are so easy to identify.

But the words about ‘there’s no snow in Africa’ and ‘thank God it’s them, instead of you’, rips my heart out. The last thing Africa needs is snow. But maybe some rain would be nice. And honestly, aren’t you all glad it’s them and not you?

There’s poor everywhere in the world. But Africa is poor and war torn. The Sally Struthers commercials with the kids covered in flies and their distended bellies always is etched in my mind. She would say, ‘for just the cost of a cup of coffee, you can clothe and feed a child.’ Amazing how far a dollar goes.

Sorry to bum you out. That’s not my point. My point is just to plant a seed of thought in your head.

Have you heard of Women for Women International? It’s this amazing company that teaches women in war torn 3rd world countries how to run their own business to support their families. Every 6 months I receive a new ‘sister’s’ profile and all about her situation. I’ve had women in Afghanistan, Nigeria and Rwanda.

My current sister, Yvonne, is in Rwanda, she is in her 20s and is married but has no children. Rwanda? Can you believe it! Can you imagine living there? No.

I’ve received Easter cards, Christmas cards and photos from my sponsored sisters. Some come with photos. I usually burst into tears because they write that I’m such a blessing and I’ve done this amazing thing for them and their family and they pray for me and my family…. Oh my gosh!!

Yeah. Of course the Christmas card comes at Easter, and the Easter card comes at Christmas because I think they still operate by Pony Express in 3rd world countries. Okay, sorry, bad joke.

Well, I know there’s poor everywhere. There’s poor here in my own neighborhood and hungry children at my kids’ schools. And yes, I do what I can to help them too. But the idea of a woman, who has to fight to survive whether it’s war, rape, famine, drought; who doesn’t know how to read or write; who is treated like property instead of a person; I need to be a part of that change.

I got a message from them to hope I could spread the word this holiday time with the hopes that some of you could do some gift giving through  their program. You know buy some chicks or a goat for a family that needs it. Forget iPads and Prada handbags, these women want a goat for Christmas.

If you’d like, we can all pitch in. Message me if you want to contribute a few dollars and we’ll get some goats and chicks for these remarkable women!

If you are interested in sponsoring a sister, it’s a monthly commitment of $25 here’s the link – Women for Women Int’l Sponsorship

The good news is that this organization rates very highly on Charity Navigator. See here.

So in answer to the 80s song, I think they do know it’s Christmas time. Hopefully some of them do anyway.

Happy Holidays. Frugie Style.

I don’t know about you, but the holidays can suck the living poo out of me. The final few days leading up to Christmas Eve are exhausting. If you’ve ever had to build a Playmobil Pirate Ship of 1200 pieces, your sanity will be tested. So will your sobriety. Waiting until those kids are asleep can’t come fast enough on the eve of baby Jesus’ birth.

You slip Benadryl in to their cocoa and tiptoe into the gift hiding area, do the gift thing, stockings, drink the milk, take a few bites of cookie to prove to the kids all that Santa jazz, then crawl into bed to have your youngest be up in your nose by 5 am anxious to peek under the tree.

The next 16 hours will be a blur of gift wrap, those plastic carton things that cut like a shiv, the zip ties that require hedge trimmers to open…the cooking, the drinking, the coping with family. At about 9 pm you can barely keep your eyes open. If the hubs comes anywhere near to your vicinity, you want to cut a bitch. So here’s my solution-

Think of this as my living Christmas card. From me to you.

 

 


 

Finding the Funny Holiday Link Up

Calling all bloggers! Do you have some hilarious holiday stories to share? Something so unbelievable that the blogging gods just handed you this writing gold?

My Life and Kids and Kelley’s Break Room are using their Wednesday Finding the Funny link up to share your hilarious holiday stories.

Here’s one of my favorites from last year. I make no apologies for having a fake tree. I can be hippy dippy and crunchy too, but the argument goes both ways pros and cons, fake or real. SO here’s my tale of why mine is fake. The TREE, that is! Geeze people.

Swearing Under the Christmas Tree

 

Now go LINK UP!

Finding the Funny Holiday Edition

It’s a very special edition of Finding the Funny! Today I’m teaming up with My Life and Kids, Kelley’s Break Room and 14 more bloggers to bring you a special Holiday edition of Finding the Funny!

How to Link Up

Link up as many posts as you want – old or new – as long as they’re related to the holidays and will make us laugh! Your post will show up here and on 16 other blogs!

It’s easy to link up!

  • Click on the “Add Your Link” button at the bottom of the page.
  • URL: copy and paste the URL of your blog post (be sure to use the exact post URL).
  • Name: enter the TITLE of your blog post – this is what will appear below your post picture. (Limited to 30 characters)
  • Enter your email address (don’t worry – this won’t be shared.)
  • Click on NEXT and choose an image that will appear in the link up.
  • Stick around and read the other posts and get ready to laugh!

Meet the Bloggers

All 17 of us will be sharing your posts on our blogs!

My Life and Kids

Kelley’s Break Room

The HillJean: Because My Life is Fascinating

The Fordeville Diaries

Frugalista Blog

Hollow Tree Ventures

Honest Mom

House TalkN

I’m Still Learning

Let Me Start By Saying

The Mom of the Year

Mom’s New Stage

Motherhood WTF

Ninja Mom

There’s More Where That Came From

Random Handprints

Toulouse and Tonic

Link up!