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A mile in her shoes

What if I was so depressed, so profoundly sad, so completely out of my right mind, I took a gun to my head and ended my life? Would you judge me? Would you wonder why I didn’t get help? Wonder why didn’t I get some anti-depressants? Why didn’t anyone see the signs?

Now imagine knowing someone who is on anti-depressants. Or imagine knowing someone who checked themselves into a crisis center or psych ward. Someone who told their spouse they needed help. Would you judge them? Would you say they are weak for relying on drugs or therapy to help them get through their day? Would you say they shouldn’t have had children in the first place?

Harsh, huh?

All these things HAVE been said though. Not to me maybe. But maybe to you. Or your friend. Or maybe you have said those things once or twice.

Depression is like any other medical condition that needs help. It is not a bad mood to snap out of. It is not a blue time that’s easy to pass. It’s a serious disease. Like heart disease. Diabetes. Arthritis. Addiction.

If someone needs a medication for them to live with a disease then let them. Support them.

Would you tell the woman who’s ready to take her husband’s hand gun out of the safe, to just snap out of it? To just exercise more, take a few vitamins?

I didn’t think so.

I wish I didn’t know of 8 children that don’t have a parent because that parent took their own life. 2 moms and even a dad. You hardly hear about the men. But my cousin jumped off a building when his boys were just of preschool age. I didn’t know him very well to even begin to understand how someone could do that.

My childhood friend took her husband’s service revolver and shot herself in bed on Memorial day. Her family thought she was getting ready for work. They were at a relative’s for a barbecue. She had been unhappy. On pain medication. Withdrawn. Was there anything anybody could do? I don’t know. The what-ifs are a mile long. Does everyone now wish they could’ve done something? Yes. The pain is so raw, so great. Not just to those little girls that are left without a mother each of their birthdays and Christmases. But the mother of this woman, who still misses her little girl. Her sisters who miss weekends at the lake and summer days by the pool. Her husband that wants his wife there for his girls.

Then there’s my neighbor. 5 years ago she was home with her four little girls. She had been hospitalized for depression once before.  She had battled personal demons that we only knew about until after she was gone. She home-schooled her girls and always looked so cheerful. So happy. Her husband liked golf. He would leave her in the afternoons to go play and she would hang out with the kids. Get dinner ready. Set up for a dinner party with a few friends.  On the outside, I thought she was happy. We were wrong. Inside she was battling darkness. Darkness she hid from almost everyone. Especially her neighbors and friends who saw her every day. Why didn’t she say something?

One summer afternoon, right as she was getting ready for dinner; she put down the meat she was marinating, the salad greens she was putting in a bowl and she went upstairs to the master bathroom and shot herself. Her four little girls, ages 1 year to 8 years old, were home. No one heard anything. But when a neighbor discovered her after the eldest went next door to say she didn’t know where mommy was; the horror began for this cul-de-sac. You never, ever want to see a coroner’s van on your street.

Is this post about suicide or depression? Well, both I guess.

I’m trying to get people to understand that depressed folks do in fact, take their own lives. And I don’t understand how anyone can judge someone who needs help.

My own depression started after Emma was born. She was 3 months old and I could feel myself slipping into what I guessed was post-partum depression. James was helpful. My mom was helpful. I got myself through it. But a year and a half after that a friend passed away from breast cancer. I couldn’t snap out of my grief. I was melancholy, crying and having a hard time just getting through the day.

My doctor prescribed an anti-depressant. A very low dose of Prozac. It was just enough to help me. I admit, I’ve tried quitting cold turkey a couple of times. Thinking that I feel good enough not to take it and then go a couple weeks without. Boy is THAT a BAD IDEA. Even the low dose needs a doctor to help you wean off of it. But not only that, without it, the chemicals in my brain are such that, I would be sad, crying, bitter, helpless. I don’t need to be those things. I am not those things the chemicals, or lack of, make me.

I’m proud to take 20 mg of something that helps keep me in check for my kids’ sake. My husband’s sake and my mom’s. Thankfully, I’ve never contemplated suicide.

I know a friend that did though and she got help. She is the bravest person I know to have checked herself into the psych unit at a local hospital when she realized that harming herself would be okay. I’m so grateful she took that step. She got help and we supported her for it.

Please don’t tell someone all the things they should be doing differently, or that maybe they shouldn’t have had children in the first place if motherhood is such a burden. Is motherhood harder than expected? Yes. Would I trade it for anything? No. Do I need my sanity for it? You betcha!

Nobody’s life is perfect. Nobody can understand what it is like to live as anyone else. You haven’t walked a mile in their shoes, nor could you.

I’ve disclosed to several friends, happily even, that I got help, got some meds and feel so much better.

They too have told me that they got help themselves. That they weren’t sure they should take any pills. That they were embarrassed to tell their spouse about it or tell their doctor they need help. But that after talking to me, they took that next step to talk to their doctor. And they are glad they did.

Wake up people. If a man has no problem telling his doctor he needs erectile dysfunction drugs, then we shouldn’t make a woman feel bad that she needs drugs to keep her mental health in order.

The stigma related to anti-depressants is still out there. Maybe some of you reading this post are shaking your heads at me wondering why I would go such a route. Well, because it works for me. It helps me.

I don’t want to be that mom who contemplates what a gun would feel like. How long my car’s fumes would take. I will NOT be that person.

I will be here for my children. I will make sure that I am in control. That I can see things clearly.

If you need help. Please get some. If you can’t figure out what is making you feel sad and the sad doesn’t go away. Talk to your doctor. If your spouse will understand, tell them. It’s okay.

If you need to tell just me, I will listen too.

I want to thank Honest Mom for her candid and honest discussion you can read here, and The Bearded Iris for her bravery, and The Bloggess for inspiring me to write this post. For giving those with depression a voice and for keeping the conversation going. Thank you. Take care my friends. And be understanding to one another.

 

Concealers. Am I doing it right?

Okay, I explained the ins and outs of BB creams recently. You can read that here if you haven’t already. Now, I’m approaching the confounding and vexing world of …dun dun dun…. CONCEALERS.

Perhaps maybe it’s not as vexing and confounding as say, eye creams (I’ll tackle this next time), or brain surgery. I mean, this is just make up folks. But if even celebrities can do it wrong on the red carpet, what are little people like us to make of all this mumbo jumbo?

Here’s what I learned:

Don’t go with a lighter color than your face. What? Oh, Frugie- you been smoking again? No. Here’s why.

Raccoon eyes, you do not want. Now you don’t want dark shadows (sorry, Johnny Depp not included), but you don’t want white strips under there either. See awful pic above.

You want to MATCH your skin tone and foundation. Yep, your foundation and concealer should be pretty much the same shade. Now I’ll tell you a trick to use with either a lighter concealer or a handy dandy HIGHLIGHTER product.

Now, not only did I just blow your mind with telling you to match your concealer color, but here’s the really confusing part- the formula.

Are you crepey and wrinkled like me? Do you have extra dark bluish circles? Are you oily and are looking for blemish cover too? Or maybe all three? Hey- it’s possible.

Here’s my faves and what I like about them. I’ll give you high-end and drugstore brands to pick from. Personally, this is where my extravagant hussy self comes out. I will spend more on a concealer than most other things. You really do get what you pay for. But there’s some decent ones out there in all price points.

Let’s just cut to the chase people. You want the best? Here it is. Beauty editors are not lying when they talk about this stuff:

Cle de peau. Pronounced Kla deh Poe. Or Klee dee poo if you’re immature like me.

This stuff is $70. Yep, you just have to sell half a kidney and you are set. But, it lasts more than a year. Really.

It’s creamy, blends, doesn’t crepe, covers well. Doesn’t break me out. Yeah. It’s the BOMB!

Now I did in my investigative shopping, find a close second in terms of low-end brand. What the industry calls, a DUPE. Yep, here’s my pick for a fraction of the cost.

L’Oreal True Match Super Blendable concealer crayon. It’s around 8 bucks (I got mine for $7 at Target) and it works pretty darn good. And it has a point for getting in the corners of my eyes.

Others that I’ve tried and my opinions:

Milani Secret Cover concealer cream- Covered well, less than $10, but it was drying for me. Showed up crepey after a few hours.

Chanel Corrector Perfecteur long lasting concealer. This comes as a wand and it is nice. I found it at Costco of all places! I think it’s not the best coverage for me. I’m very dark under my eyes.

CoverGirl + Olay concealer balm- I didn’t like this. The light was too dark and it sunk into my lines. No thanks.

Maybelline Age Eraser Dark Spot + Concealer and Treatment- not bad. This goes on any spot on your face and heals or fades it. I didn’t really use it under my eyes so much as just some discoloration spots. It’s okay. Not as good as a high-end product, but better than nothing.

Hard Candy Glamoflauge Heavy Duty Concealer. Oh boy do they mean it! This was cheap, found it at Wal-mart, and it covers like a beast! Kat Von D makes one at Sephora that is similar. It’s for covering scars and tattoos. Both are effective. The Kat Von D costs more but a little goes a long way.

 

Highlighters-

This is what I was talking about above. You want to take match your concealer, remember? But you want to highlight UNDER your concealer. This gives more fullness to the cheekbone, distracts from your bags or circles and brings your face up like a lift.

The product that does this-

YSL Touche Eclat Radiant Touch- Sorry folks, another high-end product. It’s $40 and I LURV it! I put it everywhere. On my cheekbones, over my lips, corner of my eyes, my forehead. It’s perfect. You can use this as a concealer too. It’s just a little lighter texture, so I like others to help cover with more thickness.

A question of ‘to powder or not to powder’ remains. I don’t powder under my eyes. It just makes for crepey-ness. If you are 20 and line free and perfect, go ahead! I usually blot or take a q-tip to wipe away any excess. I’m just too old to powder and then it ages me.

So there is my 411 on concealers. Maybe different than what you’ve read in magazines or seen on Beauty Editor lists. But I try everything. And I’m constantly looking for the perfect one. I’ll keep you posted if I find anything I like better than that fancy pants Cle De Peau.

 

There. Isn’t that purdy?

Frugalista Blog goes to the Thrift Shop (it’s a dance video people)

I’ve shaken my groove thang for you guys before.

But this time, I’ve been DARED to dance. Oh, do I need a dare to get me to dance? Hardly. But Kerry over at HouseTalkN has this Blogger Dance Party. A few of us crazies on the internet like to spread happiness via dance moves. I don’t turn down a party invitation.

I’ve had this fantasy about being in a music video. Sort of the Tawny Kitaen White Snake kind. I want to dance on the hood of a Jag with big auburn 80s hair. Or maybe the Courtney Cox special of getting pulled on stage with The Boss.

OR, have a whole bunch of dancer minions to look on from my throne, ala, J. Lo in On the Floor.

So instead, I made my two-cent version with my Flip camera. No, not 50-Cent (that’s Fiddy Cent to you), just a cheap two cents version. No Def Jam label here people.

Okay, here we go. I’m sporting all my fetching frocks I got from, you guessed it, the thrift shop. Here, I’m popping tags. For the record, I have no idea what that means. I’m just a rhythmless white woman, shaking what my momma gave me.

It Works wrap thingy. And yes, it works.

A reader recently contacted me to see if I wanted to try a wrap that melts fat. Uhm, ‘scuse me? YES!

I’d heard of these things. A special proprietary blend of ingredients that you adhere to your skin, leave on for a couple of hours, and then see the results of firmer, tighter skin.

Alicia Bozza is the representative from the It Works wrap company and here is her website- https://bozza.myitworks.com/Home

Yes, I bare my belly for the greater good. Sorry, the wrap doesn’t do anything for stretch marks I’m afraid.

Here is my video on the application and the before and after- It might not be so obvious in the video and pictures, but I do love the results! It’s so exciting! The muffin top is shrinking yo’. I lost an inch from my waist, and an inch and a half from my hips.

Watch it first then click on her website above to order products for yourself! If you order from Alicia and mention “Frugalista Blog” She will discount your first wrap to $25 from the regular price of $30. There’s also other products to order, you can check out.

 

 

Frugie explains BB creams

“Hey Rebecca, what’s a BB cream and how do I use it and why do I need one?”

That’s a great question. Let me answer-

A BB cream, or Beauty Balm, or Blemish Balm, is a moisturizer with SPF that was formulated in Asia to perfect complexions. Women in Asia want perfect, porcelain skin. So these creams improve skin tone and texture and have anti-aging ingredients, but also cover imperfections.

So which to choose? EVERY brand out there has a BB cream. From high end department stores, to your drug store selection- there’s a BB cream for you.

A couple things to know-

Shades are general, so not every shade or brand works for every body. Some are too white, some are too orange.

It can be used instead of makeup if you like a natural, buildable coverage.

They make great primers to use before foundation.

Yes, they’re a moisturizer but don’t wear them to bed, they will mess up your pillow cases and SPF isn’t very good to wear at night anyway.

Let’s get started.

Here I am before and after I applied BB Cream.

I’m wearing Hanskin in Natural that can be found at Beautybar.com

 

Drugstore brands to try-

Garnier- This comes in lighter shades and works well with pale complexions. I like the consistency, coverage and if you like a dewy finish, this is a good one.

L’oreal- They are making several. There’s Magic Skin BB cream, Youth Code BB cream and Age Perfect BB cream.

I’ve only tried the Magic Skin BB cream. I admit, this was a little orangey for me. It has a dryer consistency so if you are a little darker, and tend to be oily, this could be for you.

Maybelline makes one called Dream Fresh BB cream. This one is also a little orangey. I think it’s great for a younger complexion that’s more medium complected.

Revlon- Photo Ready BB Cream- I liked this one, but found others to have better coverage. I like thicker, more opaque creams, so this didn’t do it for me. If you like natural, sheer tint- you’ll like this. Also, the undertones are neutral, so I think most fair complexions can do this one.

Department Store brands-

Smashbox Camera Ready- good stuff, good coverage, neutral/yellow undertones. A little more drying on my skin. (Sephora.com)

Hanskin BB cream- This one is my favorite. Emollient, lots of coverage and the right shade. (Beautybar.com)

Shiseido - Anessa face sunscreen SPF 50- I love the high SPF on this, it’s for very fair complexions, but I found it dried out my skin a little. (Sasa.com)

Dr. Ci Labo- Perfect Cream Light- This one is a great sunblock, neutral shade and leaves my skin dewy. My second favorite.

BRTC Jasmine Water BB Cream- Light, smells like jasmine and is great for normal skin. Lots of coverage from this one, but not thick feeling. My daughter wears this to school for sun protection and to cover her freckles. (Becleo.com)

If you’re feeling adventurous, check out that Sasa.com website. Products come from Japan and they have thousands of BB creams to choose from. Or don’t, if you will get overwhelmed!

Every major line, Clinique, Estee Lauder, Dior, Bobbi Brown… makes a BB cream. Ask for a sample at Nordstrom. Or go to Sephora and ask for samples there. There’s tons to try.

The drug store brands are cheaper, but you run the risk of the shade or texture not being just right. Of course, that happens with any drug store product. It’s kind of hit or miss.

Also, don’t be too hung up on the color if you’re using it before foundation. It won’t matter if it’s too light anyway. Unless you’re using it alone, do you really need to match.

 

I really do love them.

And don’t worry, the BB cream bandwagon will soon be replaced by something else sooner or later. So if you miss this train, another one will pull in the station eventually!

 

 
Buy my book!

The Valentine’s Day Flu

This post was an original written for Bonbon Break Magazine

Ugh. I hate Valentine’s day. Okay, not really. It’s cute and all. I like getting heart shaped things and baked goods for the kids. I like the ‘IDEA’ of Valentine’s day. The actual holiday- it is never cracked up to the expectation.

Valentine’s day is in February. What is February? Winter, that’s what. And winter is flu season.

Do I remember the Valentine’s day getaways hubs took me on for romantic dinners for two? No. One, because those didn’t happen. Two, because I’m usually home sick with the flu. Every. Freakin’. Time….

Read more here- http://www.bonbonbreak.com/the-valentines-day-flu/  (go on, you know you want to)

 

 

If I were a cover girl

I love magazines. I have several; Instyle, Redbook, O, Marie Claire… Yeah. But honestly, I just don’t live up to the stuff inside the pages.

If I were to be Editor in Chief of a magazine, I think it would look more like my mock-up here.

b Positive Project and a free eBook

Awhile back I wrote about a really cool clothing company called the b Positive Project that uses their clothing for good not evil. Not that clothes can be evil, but every shirt and hoodie has a phrase of encouragement versus the opposite.

So then a bunch of us bloggers came together under the creative and fabulous helm of Anna from My Life and Kids and she put together an ebook on what keeps us positive. We partnered with b Positive, so you get a cool book for your Kindle or tablet, and you can order comfy clothes to inspire you AND a portion of the proceeds go to kids with cancer.

Holy cow, that’s a win-win if I ever saw one.

The book is laugh out loud funny. It is. Trust me, I wrote some of it. Example, “What inspires you to stay positive?” My answer- “Staying negative for too long makes me furrow, which causes wrinkles on my forehead.  I haven’t given in to Botox yet, so I refuse to furrow. “

 

It’s all in there, what helps us stay positive- from wrinkles, to depression – from parenting with humor to inspiring our husbands *wink* – this eBook might make you think. It might make you cry. It will definitely make you laugh out loud.

Be sure to use the coupon code in the book to receive 10% off your purchase at the b Positive Project. That same coupon code will help kids with cancer – for every 10 transactions, the b Positive Project will send 100 hats to kids battling cancer!

We’re also sharing 50 Ways to b Positive. Yes – punching someone in the face is included… so is praying.

Download the book from here- http://bit.ly/VETmwt

Order clothes from b Positive.

Tell your friends.

Smile.

10 ways your husband is just another child

Once again Scary Mommy let me contribute. She posted this and I think wives everywhere agree.

 

 

I’m in the Powder Room today. Read and do your kegels.

Once again, I am so excited to be contributing In the Powder Room today!

And no, I didn’t have to clean the powder room either. But trust me, there’s always a square to spare and a stall available, so head on over, you’ll have a good time.

You’ll have to read and see what it’s all about. I’ll give you a hint- Zumba and tampons. In one woman’s case- not a great combo.

In the Powder Room