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Beauty advice that you shouldn’t follow from me.

Here’s the thing- I love me some product. Put me in a Sephora store and let me run free. I could spend hours in there. I get this crazy high from the product smell. The florescent lights. The colors and product to dabble with. I smile and act like I know what I’m doing. Nobody bothers me. I don’t feel intimidated. It’s a playground! It’s like a little Julie Andrews- hills are alive- moment I feel each time.

I should just go to cosmetology school. I could do hair, nails, facials, you name it! Well, I THINK I can. There’s a difference of what I THINK I can do, and what I actually SHOULD do.

Things I SHOULDN’T

Let’s start with 7th grade:

You TOO can have golden locks!!

Sun In

You know you did it. It didn’t matter what your natural hair color was. The temptation of those cute beach girls lightening their hair in the commercial was too much to resist. How easy it was to just spray on the stuff- and Voila! Orange hair. Or straw blond. Not strawberry blond. STRAW blond. Like hay. Dry and yellow. Whichever. Guys used it too <<cough McSweetie cough>>.

Ogilvie Home Perm

How many times I made my mom do this god awful process. Hey- perms were IN back in the 80s! Who DIDN’T want body and luscious waves? Who DIDN’T want a poodle perm? COME ON! Sad thing was- my hair was so hard to curl, it only lasted about a week. And the SMELL. Oh the smell…

If I could ONLY have looked like this!! Luckily, I have no actual pictures documenting MY hair don't.

Adult beauty mistakes:

DIY Hair color

Within the last 10 years, I went against better sense and colored my hair at home. My cool blond tresses have never been the same. The box of color was on the Target clearance end-cap. Tell me Sarah Jessica Parker doesn’t just pick up her hair color at Target. Right?  I followed the instruction booklet closely. The color was something like Champagne blond on the label. I looked more like Blush champagne when I was done. Like Arbor Mist Blond. A little on the strawberry side. A little flat too. It killed my highlights and made me really reddish blond. If that is even a color. I went to my regular gal and got a foil to break it up a bit. She laughed at me and made me Girl Scout swear never to do it again. Anyone out there who does color their hair from a box- I’m jealous.

Frownies- WTF? Huh!

Just look at this picture.

Yes, that's my forehead.

They are these paper sticky things you put on your ‘frown lines’ and it takes the place of Botox. Trains your facial muscles to relax so you don’t furrow and squint unnecessarily. Are they working? Well, it’s like a treadmill, it might work if you use them. But they kind of feel weird and hurt when you peel them off and you need to wear them up to 3 hours at a time or overnight. When am I going to go 3 straight hours with paper triangles stuck to my face?? And at night, I always ‘forget’ (translation, I’m too embarrassed to wear them in  front of the hubs). So they just sit in my drawer collecting dust.

Be careful of fruit acid peels. When it says not to use more than 2 times a week. Follow that rule. If you don’t. You will look like you went skiing with goggles on a sunny day.

Fruit peel or idiot who didn't use sunscreen?

Waxing-

I wax my eyebrows successfully each month. Remember when I told you I didn’t wax anywhere else?

Well, I decided to shave instead. BIG MISTAKE.

Let’s see how I can put this.

If you trim DOWN THERE with just a regular razor for your legs, it gets a little hedgehoggy. Maybe waxing would eliminate the stubble. But right now, the grow-out is pretty prickly. It seems that after writing my blog, Wax On, Wax Off– I almost felt like I could challenge myself and see what could be done DOWN THERE. Well, never again. I’m leaving it alone. It’s not itchy though. Yet. Maybe I shouldn’t have used the razor that was a month old sitting in my shower.

Oh look- it's my vajajay!

THINGS I WON”T TRY-

Anal bleaching- there is no reason I would do this myself or pay someone to do this for me. My anus has never been the same since child birth. I will leave it at that. I’m not auditioning to be in a porno in the near future, so it will stay its original color I was born with.

Eye lash extensions. I might get this done by a professional. I won’t do it myself. I don’t have a steady surgeons hand. I would look like Tammy Faye if I tried this. I don’t even think you can get your hands on the stuff if you aren’t a professional.

Eyebrow tinting.

Bird Poop beauty masks- yeah in Japan or somewhere they take bird poop- I’m hoping it’s special birds and not just pigeon shit. Not that it makes it better! They use the poop in beauty masks.  Anyway- Asian women are on a quest for white, porcelain skin, and there’s an ingredient in the poop that lightens skin.

Leaches- yep. This is sort of making a ‘come back’. Apparently, Demi Moore does this. Demi Moore also smoked some bad salvia and ended up in the hospital. I’m not taking beauty advice from Demi any time soon.

Botox- okay, except for the lady who injected beef fat in her own face- who would ever do this on their own? My Beef with Botox I’m not saying I’m not doing Botox ever. I’m just not doing it MYSELF!

Piercings, tongue splitting or scarring. Just don’t even go there..

So there you have it. Confessions of a not quite Beauty School Dropout. Not bad, right? Okay, maybe just a little…

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Comments

  1. WTF with the face things? I just saw a Groupon for botox but don’t need it yet and assumed I won’t have frown lines before it expired in 6 months. Who knows, maybe I will – anyway I totally did that hair sun-in and home perm stuff! Oh, those were the days when beauty mistakes weren’t so disastrous…

    • Hey, no judging!! I thought it would be so easy and no botox for me. Pffft. Not so much. Ridiculous huh?!
      I’m always tempted with those Groupons….
      You are only 30 girlfriend!!! I’m 40 (ish)!!

  2. I totally admit to Botoxing my armpits. Granted, a reconstructive surgeon administered the shots, but it was amazing while it lasted. I sweat. Like sweat too much to wear colors. Its terrible but true, and though it has gotten better with age, it used to be very bad for me. So I dished out a few grand for paralytics in my pits. And I loved it. I’ll skip the anal bleach, though. Sounds painful.

    • I’m a big sweater too and wanted to do the Botox for my pits. is it super painful and $$?

      • The pain is like a pinch, nothing big and as soon as the needle is out it stops hurting. Its about 50 shots per armpit, but it goes surprisingly fast (plus, if you are nervous, its a good thing because then they can see exactly where to stick it!). It cost me $1300 for both of my arms …but I don’t regret it at all, worth every penny, and even stopped most of my sweating permanantly (though I was 100% dry for a year before it started to wear off).

  3. Kanerva says:

    My mum will be SO pleased to know she wasn’t the only one coerced into home perming for teen daughters. I took it it one step further and convinced my pre-teen sister she could dye my hair. WHAT was I thinking?

    Leeches?! For real? I know a rainforest where they leap on to you, no prescriptin needed 🙂

    There’s things there I’ve never heard of, and a few I’d never contemplate …

  4. magsx2 says:

    Hi,
    Some so called beauty products are definitely better to stay away from. 😀
    I have never heard of anal bleaching, that even sounds painful, I just couldn’t imagine anyone using something like that.

  5. F, all i can say is i’m glad i’m a guy. continue…

  6. sitwithbritt says:

    HAHA you just made my day with this post…seriously. Love your blog!

  7. I enjoy your writing, but that Frownie picture, well, it’s just a little creepy. HF

  8. Melanie B. says:

    Okay – you are hilarious! I have done “Sun In” and had NO BUSINESS doing so. I have brown, frizzy hair. It turned out orange (and frizzy). I envisioned blonde, straight locks. ha ha ha. I have also had the home perm. Yes, I just said I have frizzy hair… I thought my “home perm curls” would come out soft and bouncy. Yup. I was a teenager with high hopes. Love this post!!!

  9. I really like this post! Thank you for sharing 🙂

  10. lorajbanks says:

    Hedgehoggy is my new favourite word.