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Belle of the ball, the Titanic of Red Carpets, and what you didn’t see on TV.

I want to think I was the belle of the ball, but it was Adele. She reigned supreme and deserved it.

Damn, she's adorable!

There are three parts to this blog:

  • Leaving for the weekend by myself with girlfriends
  • Attending the Grammy’s civilian style
  • My usual color commentary of all things celebrity and frivolous.

I will also add some disclaimers:

No I did not meet any celebrities per se, and I got the privilege to attend the Grammys because a friend’s dad gets the tickets through his work.

Being away for a weekend:

When mama is gone for 4 days it’s enough to have the children fed and kept happy. Forget any household chores getting done, laundry, vacuuming… Now there’s 4 days of chores waiting for me to do. Which means it will take me around a week to catch up at the speed I get through them. Which means since I never get caught up in the first place; for the next month I will be doing the previous week’s chores. We’ll be glad if there’s clean socks and underwear for everyone.

Attending the Grammys civilian style:

What I mean by this is, these important events that rich and famous people get to attend usually come with borrowed couture, loaned jewels, hair and make up teams, chauffeurs, handlers, assistants…

When you are just a regular person trying to pull yourself together for attending a black tie affair, it’s hard! I’m not complaining. No. BUT, dang it, false eyelashes are a bitch to apply and the cheap Target SPANX knock-offs rolls up on the leg seams giving you a ‘ribbed’ look you didn’t intend.

Plus, us gals all followed the strict small print on every ticket and memo we received, banning cell phones and cameras. With the warning that they would be checked by security. To avoid this pain in the ass (and yes, I did think of shoving my phone in my knock-off SPANX to sneak it in, but they put you through metal detectors and that would have been embarrassing for me to reach up into my waistband, lifting the muffin top, to reach my phone if I got busted.); we left our phones in the car.

Here’s some foreshadowing for you- yes, we regretted leaving our phones in the car. More on that later.

I have never attended an event of this magnitude or prestige. There’s people lining the streets of LA near the Staples center, lanes and lanes of limos and town cars, spray tan, platform heals and LOTS of cleavage. LOTS of cleavage.

We parked in the garage, walked around to the entrance. And flashed our tickets. We were given Red Carpet access. Yes, I tinkled a little in my knock-off SPANX to be actually on a Red Carpet. Yes, I felt somewhat giddy. But I soon learned, there are two types of Red Carpets. If this Red Carpet was the Titanic- there’s first class and steerage. And I was on the side with Jack, not Rose. So that means, no life jackets, no boats. I would have sunk. But anyway… When you are steerage class you walk BEHIND the backdrops and ropes of where the celebs do their poses for photogs and you can peek around to see folks getting interviewed, until they tell you to move along for some stupid fire code. Yeah, yeah, the fire chief doesn’t want fifty of us crowding around to see if we can spy Beyonce (who was not there by the way). For the record- I don’t blame folks now for wearing sunglasses on the red carpet. Those lights are freakin’ bright. The Grammy red carpet is under a tent, so it seems to magnify the spotlights and flashes. It’s like a Yen Lui studio on crack.

Here’s who I got to see:

Ryan Seacrest (despite everyone calling him short- newsflash, most men in Hollywood are under 6′, he’s very handsome.)

Billy Ray Cyrus

Paris Hilton (she looks like a lollipop in a dress)

Kathy Griffin (plastic surgery doesn’t look as scary as it does on TV)

Rebecca Black (Friday song girl- she’s cute)

The cute little girls from Ellen that wear the giant pink tutus (SO cute)

Some R&B singer I didn’t know the name of

Some Rap artists I didn’t know the name of

Kelly Osbourn (hair color is still really weird, but kind of cool)

Tia Carrere (her plastic surgery DOES look scary in person)

Chris Harrison of the Bachelor

What I didn’t know that while I was on the red carpet so was:

Bruno Mars
The Band Perri
Corrine Bailey Ray
Esperanza Spalding

and a bunch of others that I must’ve missed with all the backdrops and reporters blocking my view.

I got three compliments from ushers (not THE Usher) on my dress. At least someone noticed!

The Staples center does not open any bars or cocktail lounges prior to the event. Apparently someone thought it was a school carnival and was selling Diet Coke, Red Vines, Smarties and popcorn. Um- ‘scuse me, this girl needs a gin and tonic.

So we sat in our seats with just a bottle of water, a Lara bar I smuggled in my purse and some gum. And no phones. Did I mention, no phones? We felt like one of our limbs had been removed. No texting, no posting on Facebook braggy status posts, no quickie pics of Kelly Osbourn in her 360 glam cam station for the E! network. Nothing.

This is where being a celebrity must come in handy. You get your phone and I’m guessing as many gin and tonics as you want.

When we saw all the other rule breakers with their phones and cameras we were kicking ourselves for being such goody-two-shoes. Where was the enforcement people??? There were people taking pictures and video left and right and no one seemed to care! Next time- if there’s a next time- I am bringing my phone.

If you saw the show on TV- here’s what you missed:

The set for Katy Perry’s performance had 4 ice sculptures but by the time it was her segment one had already crashed to the ground and broken in a million pieces during a commercial break so they had to quickly clear the stage and roll with it. Not that it mattered to have three instead of four.

Fergie’s awful orange dress (or as Emma texted me later that night- ‘Chinese New Year gone wrong’) glowed in the dark. I’m not sure how, but you could spot her all the way across the Staples center even in the dark.

I watched Paul McCartney during every commercial break get up and shake hands, give kisses and pose for pics. Not with us of course, but the fancy people. Still- what a guy.

Glenn Campbell seemed confused and almost wandered off the stage before starting to sing. But God Bless him, cuz Rhinestone Cowboy was THE most favorite song of my 4 year old existence. If Crystal Gayle came out on stage, my friends would have had to get a stretcher for me.

Hot chicks play banjos.

Paris Hilton likes to wander around calling attention to herself for no apparent reason.

Tony Bennett’s gray hair is as visible across a room as Fergie’s orange dress.

Jennifer Hudson was pitch perfect in person for her Whitney tribute and there wasn’t a dry eye in the house.

The Cold Play number in person was a lot cooler than on TV because they gave us these bracelets that were remotely activated to blink and light up to the music while they played. After the number, they were useless. But I continued to wear mine throughout the evening hoping Chris Martin was going to send me some morse code signal through them.

The Staples Center likes to keep things on the chilly side. We were snuggled up under our dresses and wraps while some a/c was wafting from above. Good thing it was dark, because everyone would have seen our SPANX with our knees tucked under our chins for body heat.

I got to brag to my husband that I was in the same room as Kate Beckinsale. Of course, I was 200 feet from her, but when will HE ever be in the SAME room as her?? Even if that room is 10,000  square feet.

The Nicki Minaj number sucked in real life as much as it did on TV. Fail.

Yeah, I was scared too.

I want to carry Bruno Mars’ babies. Okay, not really, but I would carry his Cabbage Patch dolls for him or his golf bag, or whatever he wants me to carry for him, he’s so cute. We’ll just forget about the cocaine incident a year ago through airport security, shall we?

And lastly- Adele sounded SPECTACULAR in person. Hands down it was her night and everyone knew it.

It was my night too.

I’m sure I will be writing endlessly about my Grammy weekend. But this is all I got for now. Enjoy.

Oh and yes, I did get my gin and tonic later that night. Two in fact.

Afterwards at the restaurant. I'm the one in blue. See my gin and tonic in front of me. Oh wait- it's empty.

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Comments

  1. I am so incredibly jealous of you right now. I am blown away that you were there. What an amazing thing to experience! I loved your commentary on the things we didn’t get to see. I would also wear the Coldplay bracelet for the rest of my life in hopes Chris Martin sent me a message.

  2. On TV, Katy Perry’s ice sculptures appeared to the backsides of three gigantic nude men. Was that so and if so did they ever turn around? (I didn’t really notice because my focus was on Ms. Perry and her terrarium monokini).

  3. I envy you so much!! Thanks for the report – I’ve always wondered what it would be like to attend one of these things. So cool!

  4. Thanks for the inside info. I loved the tidbits–but this was my favorite line: If this Red Carpet was the Titanic- there’s first class and steerage. And I was on the side with Jack, not Rose. So that means, no life jackets, no boats. I would have sunk.

  5. Should have told you about the phones. We only took in a disposable camera the first time (lame) and then the second time we were experienced and took our phones. Next time you will know!!!!

  6. I know Carrie- I should have checked with you!

  7. you look mah-ve-lous. continue…

  8. What a fabulous experience.. Titanic or not.. Next time definitely smuggle the camera in! Looking forward to catching up!

  9. Christopher W. Tipper says:

    Glad you had fun and I’ve actually been waiting for the Grammy report. Was the Paul McCartney medley at the end as cool in person as it looked on TV?

    • Confession: we left right before the Paul number because we were worried about getting stuck in the garage. The place was a zoo, we were starving and desperately needing a drink. The folks in the group didn’t care for Paul much, so I was outvoted. Although after sitting there for 3 plus hours in that a/c, I was ready to go. He sounded fabulous during his first number. I was surprised how good the vocals and sound system was all night. Everything was perfect.

  10. Glenn Campbell has Alzheimer’s, that’s why he was confused. But he was there just for you :~)

  11. This was fun to read. I feel like I was there without all the uncomfortableness of a gown, Spanx and heels.