What if you could have a celebrity visit your house and you interview them? Would you be excited or nervous? Would your bathroom floor pass muster or would you cringe from what the boy child left behind?
My friend Ilana has been able to do just that. INTERVIEW CELEBRITIES AT HER HOME! Sorry if I’m yelling, but that’s just so gosh darn exciting, I think I would pee my pants. Hopefully, not on the couch where they will sit. Kinda like what Ilana’s daughter Mazzy might have done before Taye Diggs showed up. That’s right Taye Diggs. Wanna see him unlock her baby proof toilet seat? Gosh he’s a cutie. Check our her webisodes here.
So I got to thinking. What if I got to interview my celebrity of choice? That’s easy. It would be Daniel Craig. And while I would have a hard time forming words and not staring into those steel blue eyes, I would still have some important questions.
This is how things would go down in my house if Daniel Craig showed up. Okay, seriously, I’m getting butterflies in my stomach just thinking about this. Imagine what I would be like if it were to really happen?
For starters, I would hire a house cleaner. The last thing I need is some random dried up cat turd under the dining room table that I missed, or some fruit tape wrapper behind the sofa cushion.
I would stock up on some great beers. I know he always goes for a pint of something. And I would probably get some really nice scotch too. I have a feeling that he’s a scotch man.
Daniel is a Liverpool soccer fan, so we would fly our Liverpool team flag out on the driveway where our American flag goes for the 4th of July. After all, he was raised in Liverpool and hopefully this will make him feel right at home. Also, we would have English Premiere League soccer playing on the TV. Not too loud, just enough for background noise. To fill the awkward silence when I’m staring. ‘Scuse me, just wiping the drool off my chin.
This brings up Owen. Owen would be just as starstruck as me. He likes all things British and finds James Bond incredibly cool. The cool factor would go into overdrive and emotions would be high just with the anticipation. He’s also a huge Liverpool soccer fan, so he will feel a kinship to Daniel.
Now I’m remembering that I would probably need to invite my brother over too. What is with these men and their Daniel bromances? In fact, I asked my brother what questions he would ask Daniel if he got a chance. One of them was, “How do you feel when straight men publicly say they would have your children?” This makes no sense, but it just shows you the level of crazy that runs in my gene pool.
When Daniel arrives, I would offer him a cuppa. That’s slang for a cup of tea. All English people start anything with a cup of tea. It doesn’t matter what time of day it is. If he obliged I would make sure it was nice and strong, like his biceps in Cowboys and Aliens.
Then I would ask him a string of questions-
Would you do full frontal nudity in a movie if it was ‘artistically’ relevant?
Okay, that was kind of a lot too soon. I’ll start slow, like, Do you like Nutella?
Would you ever get in to politics?
Do you want to direct anytime soon?
Would you direct your wife in a movie?
Would you consider a sister wife situation? You like brunettes, but do you like blondes?
Do you believe in reincarnation and will you be coming back in another life as my husband?
Uh oh. There I go again. I see my questions going off on a weird tangent.
Would you rather be trapped on a dessert island with the Kardashians or all the Bond villians?
What’s your favorite food? What do you consider an indulgence?
What, besides agreeing to this interview, is the project you regret most in your career?
So there we go. Then I would invite him for dinner. A nice roast beef with Yorkshire pudding would be in the oven cooking. And I would make spotted dick and treacle for dessert. What? Did I say something weird again?
Oh look, I found a picture of myself and Daniel- I’ll just have this on my wall when he comes. That’s not awkward at all.