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Douchey kids and parents without a sense of humor.

I am pretty nice. I am. Ask folks. But I do bottle up my frustrations. So I’m smiling on the outside, and inside, I’m shaking my head going , ‘what the fuck?’  WHAT in THEEE FUCK are you thinking people?

Okay, here goes. Deep breath.

Do you lie to your kids? YES! We all do people. Our mom shaming craze is taking over Facebook. Woo hoo. I love a funny joke. I am the queen of self deprecation. I will dance around in a leotard wearing a turban if it makes you laugh.

But if you don’t think when I confess things I do behind my children’s backs isn’t funny- that’s okay. I guess. But I guess we won’t be friends. And that’s okay too. I mean, how do you NOT laugh at such honesty from moms?

Poor Somewhat Sane Mom got in some trouble from some ass-holey trolls who said she was a mean mom, a liar, a bitch, she needed to go grocery shopping, they felt sorry for her kids. Whatever.

Wow. All over a granola bar. A fucking granola bar. You say there are no more in the box. Eat one behind their back. No biggy. A unicorn isn’t going to drop dead somewhere people. Tinkerbell isn’t going to die because you told a fib to your kids.

Here’s a fib I tell my kids. Put your tooth under your pillow so the Tooth Fairy can come and bring you a dollar.

Yeah. That is called a LIE folks. Do you tell your kids- “put your tooth under your pillow so I can trip over random objects in the dark while you sleep and try to shove a dollar under your sleeping little melon without waking you up.” Huh, do you?

Lighten up people.

When you see a splayed out opossum on the road with it’s entrails on the concrete out like sausage and meatballs, do you say, “Wow, sucks to be that fella. Must have hurt real bad when the front end of a large moving vehicle crushed his insides and caused massive injuries and bleeding.” Huh, do you?  Or do you say, “that little opossum is sleeping with someone’s ground hamburger next to them.”

Do you see my point here?

Okay, I would also like to address the assholey little crotch fruit of other people that like to go around kicking, smacking or just spewing their little demon antics on every one.

When your kid hauls off and hits another kid, do you stay standing 10 feet away and say, “hey, let’s not hit, okay?” Or do you run on over to your uterus spawn and take his arm and say, “knock it off! Apologize or we are leaving!” Huh, do  you?

Just asking. Because I see a lot of just parenting from the sidelines. When my kids would do shitty behavior, especially around the age of when shitty behavior is rampant- translation- preschool years through elementary on through middle school…. (ha ha, I’m kidding)… I would get up in their grill and make sure they knew that I was on to them.

Are parents afraid of hurting their kid’s feelings? Are they afraid that if they blow it off in front of other parents those parents will somehow not notice the douchey behavior of the other kid?

Don’t raise a Nellie.

I don’t know.

So there you have it people. My rant on people who parent without a sense of humor and assholey uterus spawn whose parents enable their assholey-ness.

I can only save the world so many folks at a time. If you need a funny intervention or a wake-up call regarding your kid, just message me and I’ll slap some sense into you.

Comments

  1. Jennay (WIRMTS) says:

    BOOM. There you have it. Well said, my frand.

  2. Teri says:

    I agree with everything you said! I’m an agree-er! But for fucks sake, why do people take such pleasure in trolling around and trying to get all serious and shit on things that are fucking funny??? It astounds me that people who have NO sense of humor would actively seek out a funny blog just to piss all over it.

    AND I’m an ‘in your face’ parent when my kids are doing something they shouldn’t be. Being a bully? Not on my watch. I’ve embarrassed, yelled at and I dare say even spanked my own children when they were much younger for inappropriate, rude, and just plain wrong behavior. I’d want someone to do this to their child if my child was the target, so why, then is it ok for me to allow MY kid to get away with it? I don’t effing think so.

    GREAT blog today, honey. Have an awesome weekend.

    Teri

  3. Erica says:

    Thank you! I need to share this with my MIL to show her there ARE other parents like me! And about the dead animals, I don’t sugar coat that. I stop (if I can) and tell my kids to look at it and tell them “see that animal, it did NOT look both ways before crossing the street and look at it now. It’s dead. That’s what happens with cars hit animals. And kids.”

  4. DG says:

    There was something brewing in the air this week Frugie but my favorite quote this week is…”the cruel words of one are nothing compared to the shouts of many…” Can you hear us shouting your name? We love you. xo

  5. You are so great to stand up for her. This bullying on face book needs to stop!! I agree 100% with you.

  6. Ms.Stepmom says:

    Perfectly said! I just did a post about the lies I tell my kids – Like that God Emails, that lie alone saved me so much time! Rants are a guilty pleasure.

  7. candice says:

    You’re a genius and I completely agree with you!! And for the record, I thought the granola one was funny! Who hasn’t smacked behind their kid’s back?! I mean it would be different if she had said “the only food we have in the house is this granola bar. I sent my kid to bed hungry so I could eat it.” Geeze people …

  8. If anyone doesn’t think you have a sense of humor has never seen your Spanx video. You need to walk around with that video somehow stored on your smartphone so you don’t have to wait for it to download.

    There was a time when I could grab Austin by the arm and drag him out of the place where he was generally acting his age, but doing it too loudly. As he’s now 16 years old and can peel my like a banana, those days are over. Then there’s my 14 year old Hannah. If anybody is embarrassing anybody in public, I’m embarrassing her. And although she’s an extremely strong 14 year old and I’ve lost a bit of weight, there’s no way she’s going to drag me away from something.

    The anonymity afforded by the internet is definitely a mixed blessing.

    (do I really have to leave my real name when commenting to your blog?)

    brother

  9. Daryce says:

    Outstanding, my friend, outstanding! Carry on and keep up the good work.

  10. Sorry kid your mom doesn't play well with others says:

    What?!? Over a granola bar. That’s bullshit. Bet they left the comment as anonymous too. Shocking I know, big opinions without a name

  11. Roshni says:

    So, there are three types of lies: one is to spare your kids getting traumatized (insides of possum leaking out), another is to create excitement (Tooth fairy, Santa Claus etc), and the third is self-serving (granola bar story). I think this guy troll (totally believe it is a guy) is attacking the third one!! Obviously, this person has no idea what it is to keep giving and giving…..and, I totally sneak into my kids’ Halloween candy pile and ‘confiscate’ all the good chocolates!!! Ha!

  12. Sing it, sister. The world doesn’t need another Stepford Mother. It needs more mothers who are honest enough to admit they ate the last granola bar and willing to jack their kids up in public for assholey-ness.

    Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go change my phone number to avoid CPS this weekend. Because my kids will be doing manual labor and I don’t want to be accused of child abuse.

  13. I hate people who cannot take a joke, who take every word someones says literally and those who cannot grasp the meaning of sarcasm. a month or so ago i had one of those evil trolls email me, not comment, about my parenting. I wrote a sarcastically bitchy blog post as my response. Some people need to get a life. Have a great weekend!

    • I had a post last year about lying to my kids about Santa and my guilt involved. I got a 4 paragraph comment on how I need to pray about my guidance and then have a heart to heart with my kids. Der!

  14. Katie@Somewhatsanemom says:

    Oh my dear, I love you so!!! Thanks for having my back! And you know I am in 100% total agreement with you.
    I truly feel bad for people that don’t have a sense of humor. Sucks to be them!
    You are the best! xoxox

    • Yeah, that was the weirdest comment thread I’ve seen in awhile. And then that lady that defended him and said something about the democrats drinking the kool-aid. What a riot!

  15. k8edid says:

    I was thinking this morning about all the lies I tell in a day…and started a post about that. I loved your post, especially the part about the douchey kids and spineless parents. My kids are grown (37 and 28) and are still scared of me…

  16. Christal says:

    This is why I love you! People are nuts. I can’t even begin to tell you how much I hate them and their spawn. Kudos to you!

  17. Yes, I lie. And I laugh, too. And I have a mean teacher look that’ll stop you dead in your tracks. You don’t want to know what might happen. It works. But I still get a joke. Geez.

  18. Courtney says:

    Amen!

  19. You are my freaking HERO. Katie is awesome and you are awesome for standing up for her. I don’t know where some Moms get off. I lie to my kids allllll the time. I’m the Mom, i can do what i deem necessary for the day to go as desired. Do they need to know Mr SWAT and i are having shower sex? No. They think he comes in there and tells me jokes. It is what it is. And if i want to eat all the granola bars, i will. They tore my VAGINA. I CAN EAT WHAT I WANT, NOT SHARE SOMETIMES, AND LIE. Love you, and love Somewhat Sane Mom!

  20. One tired mama says:

    Good one :)

  21. Melanie B. says:

    “Don’t raise a Nellie.” I LOVE IT!!!!!!

  22. Kathy says:

    THANK YOU! I work at my local library and it takes all I have not to freak out when I go into the children’s room. Granted, the LIBRARIANS are telling the kids how to act, but the moms are no where to be found. Parenting is hard, people, but you have to DO IT. My kids are 14 and 12 and I still get in their grills. I make sure they re-fold clothes in stores and say please and thank you. I have lied to them about consuming the last cookie in the house (as if we’ll never have more, please!). They have survived and will hopefully grow up to be pretty amazing moms. For now, I want them to clean their rooms.

  23. ghfool says:

    I have zero tolerance for passive parenting and don’t associate with people of that kind…well, except for my S2BXW. (sigh)

  24. Sinful Baker says:

    Found you through Snarkfest and let’s just say, you had me at “Douchey kids”. Rock on.

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