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Guest Post- A brave friend

Today’s post was not written by me. This is a true account of a friend of mine and her fight to keep her friend alive. You see, I know of suicide. I know children of parents that have committed suicide. It’s an ugly bitch. It leaves the people behind confused, angry and grieved. When my friend asked if she could use my blog as a space to share her story, I didn’t hesitate. I want her story to be shared without any worry of identities being discovered.
If this story speaks to you, then message me or her and we can get you help.

**************

First, I want to take the opportunity to thank Frugalista for allowing me to post anonymously on her blog.
You see, I am a blogger, however, given the nature of this situation, I could not post this on my blog, but I
had to get it out. I needed to get it out. For my own personal mental health and so maybe, just maybe
if you are having thoughts of ending your own life you will read my words and know you are loved and
that you are not alone. If you think you know who I am, please do not post anything about my identity
publicly. Instead, email me at youarelovedalways2012@gmail.com.
My best friend, Mary left her abusive, sociopath of a  husband earlier this year and her already precarious
mental health started to spiral downwards rather quickly after she left. She has always suffered from
depression. So this summer, when I received the first call for help, I was expecting it.
What I wasn’t expecting was to see someone so sad and so hysterical that no amount of words could get
through to her. She was convinced that her daughter would be better off without her. She convinced
herself that she was a burden to everyone and that she was worthless. She couldn’t work; she couldn’t
get out of bed. She was in a completely irrational state of mind. I tried everything I could to make her
see the devastation and destruction her daughter would face if she killed herself. It didn’t work.
Nothing worked. I have never in my life experienced someone in this state of mind, with so much raw
pain that it seemed to just emanate from her soul. It was heart-wrenching to experience and we didn’t
know what to do.
We got her to bed that night and in the morning after the pills and the booze wore off she seemed to be
okay. In her sober, rational state of mind, she knew she couldn’t kill herself, she knew it would destroy
people. She knew the pain would go away. We tried over and over to get her to seek counseling. But,
no matter what we said, she repeatedly stated that therapy wouldn’t work.
After that incident, we considered an intervention to force her to get help. It didn’t sit right. I can’t
really explain it, except to say, I knew it wasn’t the right time.
Over the next several months, we tried to brainstorm with her to figure out ways for her to make an
income, because her asshole husband refused to provide any support. We got her an attorney. Her
parents provided for her financially. She cashed in a 401K to support herself. We had a plan for her to
take some classes. Most days she felt good and positive. But it was just a mask.
Then, just a few weeks ago, she stopped returning my calls and texts.
Friday night our other friend, Carrie, called; she was the one I was with during the above episode. Mary
had called her wanting her jewelry out of the safety deposit box. Carrie was concerned and so I called
Mary and thankfully, she answered.
I asked her why she wanted her jewelry. She wanted to sell it so her daughter would be provided for.
She said she had found a place for her beloved dog and was giving up custody of her daughter to her
daughter’s father. She also stated that she was meeting with her attorney to make sure her will was
updated so that her soon to be ex-husband would not receive any of her assets, “in case something
happens.”
“What do you mean, in case something happens?” I asked, already knowing what she meant.
“Well, I’m not going to kill myself. But I just can’t do it anymore. I don’t want to burden anybody
anymore. My daughter will be fine. She doesn’t need me.”
The most terrifying and disturbing part about that conversation was the nonchalant manner in which
she was saying these things. She had a plan. She wasn’t the hysterical crying mess that she had been
previously. She was sober and serious. I knew that night that no words I could possibly say would make
a difference. I told her I loved her and I would talk to her tomorrow.
Saturday morning we got on the phone with her parents and conferenced in the suicide prevention
hotline. After repeating the conversation from the night before, he was understandably concerned and
advised us to dispatch a crisis van. He also informed us that if she didn’t go voluntarily then we could go
to the courthouse, file a petition and have her involuntarily placed in a treatment facility. We were
prepared to do that.
We met the crisis van at her house and she was pissed, angry and betrayed. It took nearly 2 hours to
convince her to go with them. We did have to threaten to file the petition, but she went.
I spoke to her that night and she said the place was miserable. She didn’t get a bed and she had to sit in
a room with 25 people, mostly men. She did not sleep.
She met with the nurse practitioner the following morning to be evaluated. She refused to say that she
was a danger to herself and they had no choice but to discharge her.
After learning this, I immediately starting searching for hospitals. I got on the phone to make payment
arrangements, as she does not have health insurance and cannot qualify for state or federal aid due to
the fact that her divorce is not final. I found one and I met our friend Carrie at the facility Mary was at
awaiting discharge. We sat down with her and a counselor and, again, tried to talk her into staying. She
refused. We then told her we found a hospital with a women’s unit. She refused. She didn’t care what
we did, she wasn’t going. She didn’t need counseling or therapy. She just needed to be left alone. She
slammed out of the room.
The counselor followed. And I have no idea what he said, but within 2 minutes she agreed to go with us.
I can only say that our prayers were answer.
We got in the car, chain smoked cigarettes, all of us nervously awaiting the next chapter. We arrived at
the hospital and began the 4 hour intake process. We stayed with her the entire time. She almost left.
She almost left again. But she didn’t.
At this point, she had been awake for nearly 30 hours. She was so tired. She agreed to stay. That’s
what matters. She is right where she needs to be to get better. To learn how to cope with what
happened to her. To deal with the ugly and the nasty. To learn how to prepare for the future.
I visited on Tuesday. It was difficult and a little awkward. But she seemed better.
I have no regrets about what I did. Nor am I concerned with the state of our friendship. I’m not sure
that she will forgive me. I’ve made peace with that.
I would rather her be angry with me than be dead.

*******
If you or anyone in your life needs help- please contact these organizations-

National Suicide Prevention Hotline

1-800-273-8255

American Foundation for Suicide Prevention: Warning Signs

Comments

  1. Amy says:

    you are amazing. and brave. and so are your friends.
    thank you for sharing. <3

  2. I am so grateful you shared your story, and so grateful for Frugalista for giving you that venue. I am a suicide survivor having lost my first husband to suicide just over 3 years ago. I can identify with so many things you say and feel, and I think it’s important for your story to be heard. I think you did the right thing for your friend, and maybe some day, she will be well enough to look back and thank you for it, although I know you’ve made your peace with the fact that maybe she never will. I, for one, would want my life to be full of friends like you.

  3. Nina says:

    God bless you for being such a good friend!

  4. You are a brave person and I am thankful you were willing to fight for your friend’s life when she wasn’t. If only everyone could have friends like you.

  5. Jenn says:

    Thank you for sharing this. I am also a suicide survivor x2… My dad when I was 18 and my brother 5 years ago. I try to get my story out on my blog as well to let people know to please reach out. Someone will grab their hand. Thank you so much for sharing this. I’m confident it WILL help someone. xoxo

  6. Kelly DeBie says:

    Thank you so much for sharing.

  7. Stevie says:

    I did this with my Mom. Hardest thing I ever had to do.
    But not nearly as hard as burying her would have been, had she gone through with suicide.

  8. jnine0712 says:

    Wow, thank you so very much for sharing. I do believe you did do the right thing and even though I myself have never gone through anything quite like this, could how much you did care about your friend and her well being.

  9. AJ Collins says:

    My sister lost her best friend to suicide. The friend called her in the morning, talked with her like nothing was wrong, and then at 2pm committed suicide by lighting a BBQ in her bathroom with the door closed. It was devastating. Suicide is serious business. I know those thoughts… I know what it feels like to think the world will be better off without you. Prayers for you and your friend. You did the right thing. You are a hero. :)

  10. iadiedee says:

    THAT is a great amount of love you have for her. God bless you for sticking it out and making sure she got the help she needs. God willing she’ll realize she is worth the work and that this isn’t an ending but a new beginning. The only way is UP from here. Your story brought tears to my eyes .. I’ve had people close to me commit suicide. I wish someone had been there for them as I was way too young.

  11. You Are Loved says:

    Thank you all so much for you words of encouragement. It has been a few weeks since this occurred and my friend is doing so much better. We have her moved, and she is in regular therapy. She has forgiven me, although the anger still seeps out sometimes, but I still would not have changed a single decision that was made.

  12. Thank God for people like you!! Praying foryour friend and all involved.

  13. FFW says:

    I had to have a staff member committed—-for her, it was a horrible experience. But I could not have lived with myself, knowing I had ignored her cries for help. I knew that her life was more important than our relationship. Bravo, for doing the HARD right thing.

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