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Gwyneth is a ‘common’ woman and Eva says never wear sweatpants or your husband will divorce you

Folks. I can’t help myself. When a celebrity opens their mung bean hole and says words that make me want to roll my eyes back to Christmas, I have to write about it. It’s what I do.

First, let me talk about Gwyneth. That’s GP if you didn’t know. She recently was talking about her Goop website. Goop must be her nickname for her initials GP. Because Goop sounds like a very unassuming website of maybe crafty supplies, like glue, and rubber cement.

But it’s not. It’s a ‘lifestyle’ website of things to buy, like alpaca chin hair place mats and pigmy goat dyed wool culottes; recipes on how to make huckleberry lip scrub and the latest on laser hair removal for your coochy.

It’s all very relatable. <coughnoit’snotcough>

It's only $1425. Mortgage? Or leather jacket? Courtesy of Goop.com

It’s only $1425. Mortgage? Or leather jacket? Courtesy of Goop.com

Gwyneth, oops, GP, sorry, forgot, has been under fire before. She has this condition we like to call foot in mouth. She places her Prada clad hoof in her quinoa gob a few times throughout the year. It’s like blogging fodder the blog gods just rain down on us. I don’t want to make fun of her. I don’t. I’m not here to ridicule or judge. No. I do that on wine night with my girlfriends. But I just HAD to address the idea that GP wants us to think she’s like the common woman every where. She is just like us. The same hopes and dreams. The same fears and pleasures.

GP- So relatable. Even with side boob.

GP- So relatable.
Even with side boob.

GP, if you want to feel like the common woman. Let me help you-

When you wake up in the morning, and you see a random dried up cat turd that rolled over from the laundry room where the cat box is to the top of the stairs- step over it. Highly achieving, exceptional women take a piece of toilet paper and pick up the cat turd. But no, folks like me, just yawn and take your Dearfoam slippered foot and just lightly tap it back towards the cat box where you will probably scoop it up later. And by later, I mean in a couple of days when you remember.

Start packing the kids’ lunches with regular white bread, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Even better, use cold cuts that probably have nitrates in them. Us common folk need to have our fill of nitrates and preservatives to carry on with our day.

Smack your Keurig machine a couple of times to get the thing to work. Or if you’re like some of us, remember that you were supposed to remember to buy pods the day before, but forgot. So dig out one of those pods from yesterday morning and reuse it. Don’t worry. It’s okay because you will probably get interrupted 50 million times before you get to drink your coffee and you’ll forget it in the microwave before you leave the house.

Oh, that reminds me! Check the microwave and just drink yesterday’s coffee and you don’t even need to worry about using the day old pod in the first place! Genius.

Being common is fun!

Now load up the kids in your 12 year old minivan with 160,000 miles on it and goldfish crackers stuck in the seat from 2007. Make sure your minivan has some dried milk in the cup holders, some juice stained on the floor rugs and has enough dirt and grime on its exterior since November. It rains here in Seattle. We only wash our cars once a year in July.

When you get to the bus stop and see the neighbors, name drop some cool names, like, you know, the principal of the middle school, the president of the homeowners association. Name dropping Jay Z and Beyonce is so last month’s Oscars.

So GP, how’s it going for being common? It’s only 9 am and there hasn’t been any time for yoga with Madonna or pasta making with Mario Batali. In fact, none of that will happen, because you’re going to need to run to the grocery store and get a frozen pizza for dinner since your boss needs you to stay late for meeting. And you might as well forget seeing your kid’s soccer practice because the commute home from the office will set you back an hour.

And then guess what? You get to do the whole thing again tomorrow! Yay! When it gets really tough and you feel like each day is the same as the one before. Don’t sweat it. Vacation is ahead. Not some villa you get to share with Elton John in Versailles. No. But a La Quinta Inn with your in laws. Fun!

Thanks GP. I hope you enjoyed that you could relate to being common and recognize how much we’re similar.

My next celebrity to school that opened her pie hole is Eva Mendez.

Now Eva. Eva Mendez thinks that the reason for Americans divorcing is that the wife wears sweatpants.

Excuse me, but I need to get my corset off the clothes line and starch my bloomers since apparently it’s 1890 again and someone is telling me how to dress to keep a man!

Eva, Eva, Eva.

Eva says look like this so your husband won't divorce you. Sweat pants are a gateway to divorce.

Eva says look like this so your husband won’t divorce you. Sweatpants are a gateway to divorce.

Let me tell you something sweetie. I know you just had a baby. And that’s awesome. And you’re with that hottie Ryan Gosling who has the photoshopped chest in the adorable movie, Crazy Stupid Love. BTW, I LOVE that movie! I bet you do too.

I thought you were awesome in Ghost Rider also. Your level of sexy mixed with brains was perfect next to Nicolas Cage’s devily skeletor motorcycle riding persona.

But telling women that we can’t wear sweatpants because our husbands will divorce us, is not cool. You know how much I would love to just run around and look cute 24/7 in pencil skirts, heels and little tight sweaters? I mean, because that is what hubs would dig, right? Or let’s just walk around in a satin negligee and a robe when I want to relax. It’s just that, hmmm, how do I say this? I WANT TO BE COMFORTABLE!

I own cute clothes. I do. I wear them from time to time. Usually out of the house. But my job as a SAHM, Stay At Home Mom, calls for me to be hanging around the house a lot. I walk the dog, scoop the cat box (sometimes, not always, see above), I fold laundry, do dishes, empty the recycle bins, sit around and blog….sweat pants, or yoga pants, allow me to sit comfortably, heave up a laundry basket, squat down to scoop the cat box, bend over to shove a frying pan in the cupboard. All those things that Betty Draper did while wearing a girdle and crinoline; but she had to. Lycra hadn’t been invented yet.

I can look cute, sure. I can make my husband’s jaw drop on date night, no problem. But if you think divorce is caused by wearing sweatpants, which implies you think that most of us have just let it all go and Costanza’d our way through life, then you will be sadly mistaken.

My parents have been married 56 years and my mom wears mom jeans, and my dad wears faded Wranglers from a time when Matlock still was making new episodes. To assume that the strength of their relationship has been related to their wardrobe is missing the value of their commitment, hardships, and dedication.

How about this- when you and Ryan are still married 10 years from now, I vow to not wear any yoga, sweat or lounge pants for an entire year. That will be a great way to celebrate my almost 30 years of marriage by then. How many years have you been married? Oh, that’s right. Zero.

This concludes Frugie’s portion of Putting Celebrities in their Place.

 

 

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Comments

  1. Have I told you lately how much I love you? Thank you for saying what most of us were thinking (only better).

    • Frugie says:

      I don’t know, you can sing it in a Rod Stewart song if you want. 😉 Thanks chica!

  2. gina says:

    LMAO………cat turds, La Quinta, smack the Keurig……….all so very real. This is your best one yet! Thanks for the chuckle this morning, Frugie.

  3. Gin says:

    Bella is always commenting on my clothing… My daily uniform is yoga pants and a tshirt- and not because I’m doing yoga! I ask her why in the world would I wear skinny jeans and a blouse to run to the grocery store and Target, to come back home and start cleaning house and doing laundry?! You think Eva is scrubbing toilets w/ a baby in the bjorn, wearing a pencil skirt? Right…..

    • Frugie says:

      Exactly!

    • Jessica says:

      As if she actually would scrub anything. I wonder if the one who does the scrubbing for her wears sweats while doing it, and I wonder if she is still married (that is if she is/was married) and if not did her single status have anything to do with sweats?

  4. Shannon says:

    F*CK YEAH! I own no cute clothes but my hubs still loves me even if I am wearing a gray, tattered t-shirt with torn yoga pants. That’s called L O V E! 😀

    • Frugie says:

      First yoga pants are too sexy, now they are grounds for divorce! I can’t keep it straight!

  5. Lisa Packer says:

    Okay, sweatpants are out. Got it. But I wonder what dear, dear Eva’s opinion is flannel jammies from Target? Cause let’s be honest, I ROCK those things.

  6. Standing slow clap for you, Frugie. You nailed this one! So much truth, so much funny.

  7. Snarkfest says:

    I’d clap really hard but my sideboob would fall out.

  8. Kim says:

    The sad and somewhat scary part of this is that Eva is not even married to Ryan just yet. When I read her BS I thought, “Who the hell are you to judge?”

    My husband has seen me dressed up and seen me in capri sweatpants looking like hell. If anything is going to cause us to divorce, it’s our independent nature and need to do our own damn thing. Thankfully, we know how to make it work for us so divorce isn’t even in our vocabulary. Five years and counting, baby!

  9. But what if I wear my sweatpants and just go topless … wouldn’t that work out in my favor?

    I mean, the most important thing is that I make sure that I’m interesting to look at for my husband. I wouldn’t want him to have to love me for my brains and fantastic personality. How drab!

    • Frugie says:

      I think my hubs would be all about the topless part in general. My nipples might not go for it. #stilltoocold

  10. Tanya says:

    If a guy can’t love you because you want to wear sweatpants, then it wasn’t love in the first place. There is a difference between love and lust. What you wear and don’t wear should not determine if you are lovable. Sadly these statements are from someone people look up to.

  11. Let's be honest says:

    I am a mother of 5 kids, including 2 sets of twins and a child with cerebral palsy. I’ve been blessed to stay at home with them, but I have 3 kids in diapers. I don’t own a cat because the thought of cleaning a litter box on top of diapers makes me want to hang myself with my yoga pants. If I could afford prada, do you think I’d be stupid enough to wear it around my little drool monkeys? I’m a happy mommy, but my twin toddlers look like the kid from Peanuts with a cloud of dust around him, only instead of dust, insert poop, vomit, and other very suspicious substances that I’m too terrified to identify. That’s what being a real mom/wife looks like. Yoga pants and all.

    • Cat says:

      i about spewed my coffee on the screen! I raised 4 and your right with sticky fingers, drool and then theres glued to video games when i needed them to do homework chores ect and then the other attempting stupid stunts he saw on tv the thought of prada or anything costing above 10$ wasnt even on the radar. Lets face it expensive or white wouldnt last a day… I hid date night clothes at the back of the closet in hanging bags and felt like a 16 yr old sneaking out in daisy dukes past dad only to find a gooey spot on the leg or spit up just below my eyesight on the boob only to see it half way through the night when i looked in the mirror of the ladies room (which led to crying normally completely mortified and my hubby laughing saying he knew it was there but didnt want me to feel less beautiful then i was because of something so small which he might have said just for the incredible sex my drinking the stain away led too lol) Its kind of sad that people put a standard of unrealistic abilities as a way to make a marriage last. I bet they have never had a kid puke or pee the bed and your so exhausted you just lay another towel over it and push your hubby closer to the edge and go back to sleep…
      Oh i sometimes miss those days and then my grandkids visit and I am thankful I survived

  12. niki says:

    Love this! don’t forget about the crusty kid boogers that are everywhere a la hair, shirt, and walls….

  13. Elisabeth says:

    I’ve been married to the same man for 15 years. He’s seen me in a knock out red dress and hang off of me sweat pants covered in mud as I come in from the garden. But I can say I have a pair of yoga pants I wear *especially* for him. 😉 and unless I’m wearing nothing with someone other than him (which I promised not to do, ya know those whole marriage vows and all) what I do wear will never be the cause of divorce.

  14. Erica says:

    sorry to report but the problem with celebrity divorces is this narcissistic “I’m better than the world” attitude. Let’s just let statistics decide how long their marriage will last. And if or when that day should arrive, I hope this pompous snatch apologizes.

  15. Joanie says:

    I’m a SITM Mom (stay in the minivan mom) and I keep it fresh in my yoga pants by folding them down, like a yoga badass, for my bald, unphotoshopped husband.

  16. Kim says:

    Come on! The Eva comment was a sarcastic answer for a stupid question asked by a reporter. Clue in. Now GP, yes she is a glib celebrity mom.

  17. Cat says:

    OMG… the things I find out from following one of my daily read blogs to a new one… I guess in the real world of life I missed the celebrity dos and donts to keep my marriage… I hope my husband doesnt read or hear about these rules or my 21 year marriage will be over since Im pretty sure I spent at least 4 years in sweats and some times over stretched leggings chasing our kids and keeping the house running.. Oh lord dont give him ideas about nowadays either as I sit here in my hello kitty adult size onsie pjs because well I can and its cold and I dont feel like cleaning the mud my dogs have just tracked in (again) after i just cleaned the carpets yesterday so the footies keep me from having to feel it as i walk around before bed.
    Thank you for making the rest of us living by the understanding love will make it regardless of my attire know that the house is just as crazy next door as it is in here…

  18. Elsie says:

    Omg….love, love, love this article. Finally, someone to call these celebrities out on the reality of this thing called LIFE. Real people can’t afford GP wardrobe recommendations. As far as marriage advice from a majority of celebrities, I DO NOT want. For many of them, marriage is a thing to just do and I believe not taken seriously. I have been married 12 years and with my husband for over 20 and this I know to be true, marriage is not easy but I could not have found a better man than my husband to share the UPS and downs in life. Whether these celebrities put their career before their dedication to a partner I am not sure. Advice from them I do not want, I want advice from friends and family who work at love, life and all its challenges.

  19. Kimberly S says:

    She was kidding for goodness sakes. Why does everyone have to get their panties in a twist over a stupid joke. You ladies have too much time on your hands bullying a woman who was joking. And get off GP’s back. You’re just jealous! And that will get you nowhere. She’s a successful woman and mother. We should be proud

    • Caley says:

      Agreed re: Eva! It was clearly a joke, and then ridiculous (not to mention negative) stuff like this is being spread around. I don’t see why so many people take offence to her personal choice to not wear sweatpants (at least in public). I am also a SAHM and I don’t own sweatpants, and you will never see me wearing yoga pants unless I am actually doing some form of physical activity (or I have just COMPLETELY failed on doing laundry for a week straight). That’s my personal choice. I feel like a slob in them and would rather wear a good pair of jeans and a nice blouse or a tee shirt and blazer or cardigan. And guess what? I’m still comfortable, if not more so because I am confident in knowing I look tidy and put together even if I don’t feel like it with screaming children smearing paint and peanut butter on my walls LOL! It’s just a different point of view on what constitutes comfort from one person to the next. My POV is that I don’t believe in dressing down (or having to dress up for anyone other than myself… unless it’s a formal event of course!). Berating her for looking put together outside of the house (or in the privacy of her own home) is a bit much, and her comment about divorce was quite obviously a joke and has been taken out of context just so people/blogs/media can keep getting those page hits, tweets, etc.

      • Bird says:

        I agree that I don’t own sweatpants either. Never have (well past 6th grade gym class). They are not comfortable to me. They make me feel larger than I am…and I am not as small as I used to be. But I loved this blog LOL!! I liked the part about her parents and what they wore 🙂 My mom has worn skirt/pants my whole life…and they just celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary. Pretty sure clothes don’t matter.

  20. Jen says:

    I wear yoga pants & a tank top with a flannel shirt all day. I keep it hot by not wearing a bra or panties. Too bad my husband is at work and misses me in all my Lycra & flannel glory. I think it’s ok though, since he’s the one who got the flannels for me.

  21. I don’t know who you are, or where you are, but I want to find you and be your BFF. Like, for realz.
    I’ll bring the wine and my sass, you make an app and bring your sass, and we’ll be in love. Forever.
    PS: That lawmaker in Montana that is trying to ban yoga pants…let’s find him and give him a wedgie.

  22. Kami says:

    I watched the Eva Mendez interview and she said it in jest. She was totally joking and even said so, but the media doesn’t state that part and then people only read headlines. Make sure if you’re going to write about something, you go straight to the source and not just the reports.

    • Frugie says:

      I watched the same interview. She seemed sincere that she won’t wear sweatpants. I still like her. I just decided to take a satirical spin on it. No biggy. It’s what I do.

  23. “Oh, that’s right. Zero.” Too funny! great piece. This ppl piss me off.

  24. yummy says:

    Mmmmm but Ryan gosling in sweats. That is yummy

  25. Nancy Frye says:

    Preach. It. GP is galactically incapable of making any kind of public statement without looking like an aristocratic, holier-than-thou ninny. It makes me sad because I love so many of the characters she has played in movies.

  26. Michelle says:

    People really need to lighten up!!!
    My husband loves sweats and thinks yoga pants are sexy!!! Which is a good thing because that’s what I put on after work the second I get in the house!
    Frugie, you rock!!!!