Follow on Bloglovin>

I don’t want to offend you or anything…

Ooh, famous last words.

How about- “I don’t want to argue, but…”, “Now don’t get mad, but…”

or

“We need to talk about something”, “I don’t want any drama“, “Maybe you’re just jealous, no offense“.

Do you see what I’m doing here? All these phrases are total mindfuck bullshit. Yep. That’s what I said. Why? Because they do exactly the opposite of what the speaker is saying.

It’s like telling someone not to think of an elephant. Whatever you do- don’t think of an elephant.

….How’s that working? Are you NOT thinking of an elephant?

What elephant? I don't see an elephant.

So when the husband comes home from work and has an issue with a recent blog, let’s say. And says, ‘now don’t get mad, I don’t want to start an argument’…. Guess what? He doesn’t even have to say anything- I’m already fired up. My gut has dropped to my feet and the anticipation of what he might say is worse than what he will say.

"Now don't get mad, but..."

Or when you’re with a group of ladies and one of them says, “No offense, but I hate PTA or I don’t let my kids watch TV or what’s up with your latest eating habits?”. I kinda get offended. I mean, not really OFFENDED, but just maybe more my feelings might get hurt. Offended is far more serious than just slightly bruised in the ego or feelings department, but still. Just saying, ‘don’t get offended’, kind of puts me on the defense, right away.

The worst is when you watch those ridiculous reality TV shows where the women all squawk and whine about the others behind their backs. Then at a party they say, ‘well the last thing I want is drama‘. Really? Cuz you were kind of poking the hornets nest back there by smack talking your friend’s best friend’s sister in law.

"That bitch said what about my hat?

Any leading statement to a statement you are about to say, can really set someone off, before you say  what you were going to say in the first place. Capiche?

Let’s have a lesson in semantics people. Husbands- listen up. Mother-in-laws lean in. This is what you do.

When there’s something you want to say, don’t lead in with the opposite/alternate/reverse psychology phrases as mentioned above. Just say,

Husbands- “Oh hey, would it be okay if you didn’t continue to blog about my lack of skills in changing the roll of toilet paper and that you think I’m an asshat?” Say it in a real nice tone, then finish with, “Would you like me to get you a glass of wine?”

Or this one-

Mother in law-”I think your children should eat more vegetables and swear less.”

And then-

Friends “I wanted to let you know that when your daughter was hanging out with my daughter last week she showed a picture of various venereal diseases and their symptoms on her smartphone and it grossed our daughter out. But I know she’s not a slut. It’s okay.”

See how easy that was? All straight forward, no passive aggressive lead-ins. Just say what you have to say. Remember, it’s all in the TONE of your voice, body language, actions, that sort of thing. And don’t end with, “I’m just sayin’.” That’s bad too.

I think this will make things so much easier.

But let’s be honest. When it comes to ME. If you know me, just say what I want to hear, not what I should hear. That’s what really works.

Remember, no elephants. How’ bout now? Now?

Ricky never leads with bull shit lines like, "Now don't be offended." He just goes straight to offending you.

Now?

Comments

  1. “mindfuck bullshit” = YES.

    I reserve the right to continue to use “I don’t mean to be a bitch, but…”

    And if my husband asked me to stop including him in my blog, I would ask him to stop doing things that are blog-worthy as a fair trade off. I’m sure neither would happen hahah

  2. You have a point! My husband actually never asks me. He just rolls his eyes at me. Constantly.

  3. Everyone has issues. No one knows the right way to handle things with everyone. Everyone wants to seem “nice” and “sweet”. I say, how about NOT being judgemental. Everyone has a different reality. Everyone just needs to come from a place of love and acceptance and the people who aren’t can go gossip and simmer in anger elsewhere. ;-) I’m too old for the drama.

  4. ghfool says:

    I understand where you’re coming from but I don’t agree. Can I get you a bowl of salt-boiled edamame pods?

  5. Amy Lomnicky says:

    I love this one. Cracked up! Thanks, I can always count on u to say what I am thinking! Love the wine part.

  6. omawarisan says:

    Agreed. The lead in implies that any reaction other than the one the speaker wants from you is unacceptable.

  7. Great post..Loved this. But, being a man and please don’t take offense at this….:).
    PKC

  8. Jay Rando says:

    Very interesting post. It can be a mind f*ck however I have a mixed view on it too.. the “I don’t want to offend you or anything” is not bad if used in the right context in my opinion. It is the ‘actions’ that accompany the words that matter..

    If it is someone who intentionally disrespects you then says that line after what they said then the person would definitely be on my bad list; they are trying to avoid guilt and get off lightly with their insults. Thank you for the post :)

  9. I’ve always laughed at those intros like “Don’t take this the wrong way.” That’s the perfect way to put me on guard to take something the wrong way.

  10. right on (as we said in the stone age) i totally second this. continue…

  11. dinkerson says:

    Ha ha! Good stuff here.

    Hey don’t get offended, but I may have seen a typo.

    Okay, not really. Geez.

    Another thing to add, though, what about pitiful bosses who say, “First off let me say that I do see you really trying to do a good job. Now that we’ve got that out of the way…”

    Friggin’ shut up and tell me fool. I’m probably out performing you anyway. Right? Damn straight.

  12. Monika says:

    My personal favorite is “I’m not a racist, but….” guaranteed to be followed by something amazingly racist.

  13. Every single time you write asshat…I spit out my coffee laughing. It’s so seventh grade. I love it so much. My undergraduate students use these “I don’t mean to sound like a Republican/Democrat/Liberatarian/Asshat…” (Okay. I may have added that last one for my own amusement) all the time. I explain that qualifiers don’t work unless you’re actually qualifying something not just confirming its truth. Total asshats.

Speak Your Mind

*