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I tried Bullet Proof Coffee and it was gross

photo from www.freestockphotos.biz

photo from www.freestockphotos.biz

Picture me scrolling through my feed on Facebook. I happen to come upon all this chatter about coffee that makes you lose weight.

<sound of record screeching> Back up. I can drink coffee and lose weight? Hell yes! Can I have a scone with that too? No? Damn you!

If you’re having a hard time keeping up with all the food trends, Paleo, Raw til 4, juicing, caveman, lemon water…. don’t worry. So am I.

I’m trying really hard to lose the 20 pounds or so I’ve packed on in the last 3 years while blogging. Yes folks. Blogging makes you fat. If I had taken up farming, or bowling, I probably would be a supermodel by now, but no. I decided to sit on my couch with cups after cups of tea and write about laundry and cat puke. It hasn’t done much for my derriere.  Except make it flat. And wide.

So when I saw all this stuff about Bullet Proof Coffee is great to replace your breakfast, give you loads of energy during the day and forget you need to eat so the pounds magically melt off (I added that part) you can pretty much bet your flat bottomed dollar that I’m going to give it a try.

The Bullet Proof Coffee or BPC recipe is as follows-

Take organic non-GMO, only harvested during the full moon fair trade coffee beans, or Folgers. You pick.

Brew a nice strong cup of joe. Instead of adding your usual, you know, Coffeemate, Half and Half, Splenda, whatever shit you put in to coffee to make it taste good, because dammit, coffee doesn’t taste good black. It doesn’t. Just sayin’.

Take a tablespoon of grass fed unsalted butter and plop that in the hot coffee. This is important. Don’t use Country Crock or I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter, or even just regular butter, the grass-fed aspect of this is important because it’s what gives the butter the aminos and nutrients, blah blah blah, that give the coffee its bullet-proofness.

Take coconut oil. Pure organic of course. A tablespoon will do. Plop that in the hot coffee too.

Watch in disgust as the two make an oil slick not worthy of drinking and start dreaming of a nice foamy latte.

Don’t give up yet. This is where you either put it in a blender (nobody got time for that) or take a little hand mixer or hand held frother (that is not a sex toy) and whiz it up in your cup until you’ve emulsified the fats with the coffee.

Now drink.

If you don’t gag first.

You will feel an oily slick on the roof of your mouth and your lips will feel coconutty soft. This is an added benefit. But also an aspect of this that might catch you off guard because it will feel like you’ve been in a pork chop eating contest instead of sipping your espresso.

Now the beauty of this whole concoction is to give you a great coffee buzz while buffering your system with the fats for the coffee to be absorbed and divvied up through your system over a longer period of time. You get a high and a fullness without all the calories of breakfast.

Like most things in our great country, people have decided to do this with vigor and gusto. Tell people that putting butter in their coffee will help them lose weight and you’ve got them drinking Venti sizes of the stuff.

Not so fast bitchachos.

Just don’t forget to actually eat. You know. Food? The stuff that gives you vitamins, nutrients, sustained energy, antioxidants and actual calories to burn? Yeah that.

To be honest, I wanted to like this. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t get over the butter slickness of the beverage. Yes I blended it but it was still like an oil slick down my throat. And I couldn’t get over the weird feeling of being jacked up on fat and caffeine. It gave me a headache.

If you love this method- by all means- go for it. I’m not putting anyone down who does it. But if you’re curious like me and tried it and didn’t like it, then now you know you’re not alone.

 

 

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Comments

  1. gina says:

    ………….Pork chop eating contest, hahaha! Thanks for the info. I seriously was going to try this but like you, I really think this would make me puke!

  2. Gin Treadwell-Eng says:

    Sounds disgusting!! Brava to you for trying… Just reading about this made my stomach turn…

  3. Okay, Bitchachos was my favorite part of this whole thing.

  4. Never even heard of this, but no thanks. Thank you, Frugie, for trying it for us. And I totally agree, blogging has made me fat, too. Boo Hoo.

  5. Um…is the point of bulletproof coffee to shit your brains out? Because that seems like what it’s going to do to your stomach… and might make you lose some weight.

  6. All funny, and confirms my decision not to try it. For some reason, the mention of a pork chop eating contest is what sent me over the top into an actual (and rare) LOL. Love your writing!

  7. Susan says:

    Thanks for taking the bullet for us! But, no thanks!

  8. No thanks, Bitchacho! 😉 Ellen