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Mirror Mirror on the wall, whose hoo-ha is fairest of them all?

And I’m not talking about what you think I’m talking about. Wait. What do you think I’m talking about?

This isn’t about childbirth, sex (I lie, it’s always about sex) or menses. Menses- did I just remind you of your 8th grade health teacher?

This is about fancy vaginas. Blinged, groomed vaginas. Or hoohas. Or ladies’ gardens. There’s your every day ho-hum Brazilian wax, Nair- if you don’t mind the vapors, hedge trimmers, and also vagina brightening. Yes- vagina brightening. Could we have a ‘hell no’? Thank you.

The Bearded Iris is kind of an expert in the ladies hygiene department. She’s a vagina do-it-herselfer. No fancy Brazilians for this lady, just get out the super industrialized afro Nair and she goes to town in her own bathroom. Door locked of course to protect from the littles walking in and being scarred for life. I often read her blog for such tips- you should too.

There’s so much out there about vaginas. Okay- pause- sorry Lisa Brown, I’m just going to call it a hoo-ha. Call me juvenile, it’s not like I’m on the congressional floor.

An ad in India is getting criticism for implying that a woman’s genitals are prettier if they are brighter. I think they’re pretty if they’re just clean.

Vagina Brightening Indian TV ad

We can get our anuses bleached and now our vaginas brightened. Isn’t that great ladies? Isn’t that just what you always wished for? My whole private area is ready for it’s closeup like Gloria Swanson in a fancy turban.

I still remember those ads when I was a kid of the Massengill mom and daughter walking on the beach. ‘Sometimes I don’t feel fresh, down there, mom, what do I do?” My answer would be- go take a shower.

But you know it’s more fun selling us stuff that makes us feel like we’re doing our part. Like we’re creating a pH balanced wonderland.

Thanks to Jennifer Love Hewitt for her book on how to snag a man with a blinged out snatch. Or something like that. It’s not the exact title but you get the idea. How’s that working out for you Jenny Love? What engagement are you on? Such a pretty girl, she’s doesn’t need to hot glue sequins to her labia.

We all know what childbirth can do to the nether regions. It makes it look like a gordita.

I’ve asked my husband if he would like anything different about my parts. Does my labia hang down too low? Is my garden hair bothering him? He’s never really answered me. It’s not like he’s groomed like a Chippendales dancer himself. Does it really matter? I mean, he just wants to do me, call it good and have a beer, right? Now he has to worry about, not just when I ask him, ‘do these jeans push up my muffin top?’, but ‘does this shower gel make my hoo-ha glow?’

Don’t even talk to me about vaginal rejuvination surgery. OH PLEASE! Because the episiotomy and stitches weren’t fun enough!

Fuck you vag rejuvenation inventor! I’m just worried about not passing gas during foreplay, now I have to worry if my vag is rejuvenated enough to charm my hubs.

Well guess what? I can charm my McSweetie with my saggy boobies. I flash him on his way out the door for work. I pretend he’s thrown some beads at me and I lift up my t-shirt. Puts a smile on his face before his long commute to work.

So there you go. Ladies- don’t let media and marketing make you feel like your hoo-ha isn’t all that. Because guess, what? It’s all that and then some. Like Julia Roberts said in Eat, Pray, Love– our guys think they’ve won the lottery when they go to bed with us.

My hoo-ha is a lottery of sorts. McSweetie hopes he gets lucky.

Cheers.

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Comments

  1. Tripping While Standing Still says:

    I LOVE THIS CRAP OUTTA THIS!! So much I’m shouting!!
    GODITA….all day. All dang day imma laugh. Thank you love:)

  2. I often wonder about why people care so much about their vag. I mean, are you doing a porn video soon? Is it going to be on display for everyone to see? Brighten my vagina? Fuck you. I’m brown and a light colored vulva is just not gonna make sense. What’s next? Labia tattoos to give the men something to read while they’re down there?

    That said, I would love to meet someone who’s done this. I would like to punch them in their newly brightened vagina.

  3. That whole India thing is really a racial issue. The main criticism is that the only way for an Indian woman’s vaganjay to be beautiful (implying that the only way for an Indian woman to beautiful) is if it’s (she’s) whitened. There are lighter skin colored people in India and of course as a result this becomes a class thing. It’s really very sad, actually.

    I love “does this shower gel make my hoo-ha glow” HAHA!!

  4. One tired mama says:

    Hahahahahahah! Oh thanks for the laugh! And of course I remember that commercial!!

  5. Mary says:

    Love this. Had to sit through a dinner party recently where they discussed this ad nauseum. I agree that just going to bed with me is hitting the lottery. You crack me up. Thanks for this.

  6. And what do men do for us to keep their bits and pieces looking good? Nothing more than fling it out and wave it around like it’s our lucky day. haha! Oh, just put that thing away already.

    • oh I know! Except leave all their hairs and pubes all around the bathroom. EW! You sound like Elaine on Seinfeld. Remember “I don’t know who guys walk around with those things.”

  7. k8edid says:

    Best lunch hour reading EVAH!! Thanks.

  8. Sanstrousers says:

    Oh, dear lord, ‘gordita!’

  9. Ooops!!! Excuse me, but I didn’t mean to walk in here, and now that I see the expressions on your faces, and the absence of urinals, I know I’m in the wrong place so I’ll be leaving quickly. But just before I go (no, NOT that way!) I just want to say, not only is this post very funny and cleverly written, but the message is right on the mark.

    So don’t let the merchants of beauty propaganda sell you a lot of painful and needless nonsense, because as a guy, I can confirm that yes, we really DO feel like we’ve won the lottery when we get to go to bed with you! And it doesn’t need to be blinged, brightened, professionally groomed, or Brazillianed to make us very happy! So don’t let them take your money and cause you blinding pain in the process.

    Yep, Mens Room is down the hall and on the left… Got it!

  10. ghfool says:

    I feel a bit dirty reading this. Tell McSweetie that his Fanrasy Football team is now called “The HooHa Intra Lady Garden Squad” or “THILGS”.

  11. Becky says:

    I live in India and I fricking hate those ads. I’m not Indian, but not I wonder too. Jesus Christ in a cucumber. Do we ladies not have enough to be insecure about? You know what? If you get to see it/use it, you better not complain about it.

    Also – am I the only one who wonders how much that crap would burn?? No thanks.

  12. Never mind the sparkles, I want to hear about the after-party! (I wanna hear the story about the day she was getting it on, and her man ended up with sequins in his mouth.) Whether you’re a big shot actress or not, embarrassment is free!!

  13. Anastasia says:

    I’m. Dying. Laughing. (and likely to look at my international coworkers slightly differently this afternoon..)

  14. Giusi says:

    “I still remember those ads when I was a kid of the Massengill mom and daughter walking on the beach. ‘Sometimes I don’t feel fresh, down there, mom, what do I do?” My answer would be- go take a shower.” Sorry, sweetie, you’re doing it all wrong…It is “Take a bidet”, not a shower 😉

  15. Jen says:

    I’m so behind on your blog. I just read this, and I laughed hysterically. We were just having a conversation about this today. I was saying I needed to be a big girl and give in to the waxing, but first I need a drink..or 3. And could someone hold my hand? When, of course, the hubs doesn’t care. And after 35 days in the desert, I could refuse to shower for DAYS, and he’d still jump me. But thanks for the laughs! I haven’t felt much funny since everyone has been gone…is it August yet?

  16. This. was. so. much. I started waning away from all the vagina references, but then you said Jennifer Love Hewitt, and I frantically scanned the rest of the post for pictures of her blinged out babymaker. GUYS! IT’S A TRAP! EVERYBODY GO BACK!! 😉