This is a true story. No pets were harmed in the making of this blog.
When mammals feed their babies it’s not called breast feeding, I know. It’s called nursing. Is nursing the only term that is correct? And why are cow’s udders called udders and not breasts and why are any non-human mammal’s parts called teats or something and not milk bags like we say in the ‘hood? And when my son was 5 he asked why we drink cows milk but babies drink from their moms and why don’t we get human milk delivered by the milk man? Geezus! I don’t know! And so now my brain thinks of the county fair and a bunch of lactating women hooked up to those giant machines like they have in the dairy barn display and it’s just so wrong. So wrong.
So- onto my post.
Our cat, who I should just call Shazam, but is really named Pluto, has issues. He’s over a year old. He likes to nurse on our dog. They are almost the same size. She has nipples on her belly. So do I, but let’s not go there.
When the cat first came to live with us, he was tiny. 6 weeks and probably not weaned completely. We got him from a man in the Safeway parking lot that had him in his van. He was under a pizza slice and a Whopper carton behind the back seat. We gave him $40 bucks for the little flea bag. Literally, he was covered in fleas. We stopped at Petco on the way home and got flea spray that I doused him with while holding him in the car while James drove. He fit in the palm of my hand and there wasn’t much he could do to fight it. I think he still tells me to ‘fuck off’ with his eyes.
Thankfully, he got used to Sophie doggy pretty quickly. Sophie thought we got her a new play toy. An electronic one that moved. But once we were convinced she wasn’t going to eat him like a squirrel, we let them snuggle.
And so it began…. the cat found her nipples. Teats? What do you call them? Anyway… he began to nurse. Sophie let him do this. Three separate times. Each session lasted a good ten minutes.
I’ve nursed two children in my lifetime. It’s not fun. The first few times hurts like a mother fucker and I don’t mean that lightly. So I’m thinking the dog was very tolerant to allow this to occur.We thought this was like an Animal Planet miracle! Maybe there would be a book deal and we would be millionaires bringing our pets to book signings for this beloved children’s picture book of our pets!
Not so fast.
Well not long after this it was clear that Sophie didn’t like the idea of being the cat’s wet nurse. I was video taping the occurrences like crazy. Doesn’t the Today show or Ellen love this kind of stuff? It’s so cute- interspecies breast feeding- teat sharing, spayed dogs gone wild… whatever, this stuff is crazy good!
During the 4th attempt the cat made to dry nurse the dog, she snarled at him. He got the message and they haven’t cuddled since. I wondered if I needed to get some Lansinoh cream or a nipple shield for the dog. But she wasn’t going to play any longer. Now they play and chase each other, wrestle and tussle. It’s really cute. But since Pluto isn’t buying Sophie dinner anytime soon, there’s no more foreplay from this bitch (only in the dog sense, she’s actually very sweet). For the record, she’s never had puppies and is spayed. Sometime after his rejection by the dog, Pluto resorted to sucking on this blanket we had. He would drool and suck on the fleece nubbins until they were soaked. Is there therapy for this cat? Wait- I haven’t Googled it, but I bet there is.
And soon after all this anyway, we had Pluto neutered. So now he is really confused. He’s a castrated cat with mother issues. He still tries to get near Sophie. She still thwarts him with her snarls. If only she understood his pain…
If you thought this was marginally funny- click over on the Circle of moms badge and vote for me. I just want to make it into the top 25. I’m quite the underachiever.