At first Emma told me casually like it was the weather report, “Hey mom, did you know that the world is running out of chocolate.” She could have easily been saying, “did you know it’s going to be 50 degrees out with partial clouds” based on the tone of her voice. As if, life can go on casually.
Trust me, I kept my cool in front of her. I didn’t panic. I barely registered in my head what she had just said. Probably because I was checking Pinterest and Instagram at the same time while waiting for the oven to heat up for my batch of brownies.
But like a good mother, I didn’t convey my panic. It wasn’t until the kids went to bed and I googled that shit for myself. What in heaven’s name is she talking about? That sounds as ludicrous as when she told me Iggy Azalea was just a white girl from Australia.
So yes. It’s true. Scientists think we can run out of cocoa beans by 2020. Folks- that’s only in 5 years. Leading manufacturers of chocolate, Mars Inc. and Barry Callebaut say that over consumption and problems in farming have reduced us to this crisis. Apparently the westernization of China has caused them to eat more chocolate. The Chinese can be blamed for everything- lead in our toys and now the world’s chocolate shortage. Thanks China.
If you think you’re prepping for a zombie apocalypse, maybe you should be prepping instead for a chocolate apocalypse. (Typing apocalypse is hard.)
What’s a chocolate apocalypse (fuck, I need a new word) you ask?
Let me draw you a picture- half the world’s population rely on a certain product to get them through a certain time of the month. Now take that half and say that 20 percent of them are under the age of 10 and 30 percent of them are over the age of 60 (I have no clue, I’m just throwing out stats here people), then we have 50 percent of PMS aged females who will be wondering the earth for chocolate. They will have torches and pitchforks and heat pads and Pringles and it won’t be pretty. They will search the earth while carrying DVD copies of Steel Magnolias and The Notebook under their arm and they will be crabby.
That’s at least 40% of the world’s population (again, just making this up) desperate for chocolate.
Sure we’re worried about the bees dying, and Ebola, and polar ice caps melting, but this- this is serious folks. Do you know what this means?
Nutella will just be hazelnut spread. And that sounds disgusting.
Reeses peanut butter cups will be just peanut butter cups. Not as delicious at all.
Oreos will be only the cream filling.
No chocolate chip cookies. Just oatmeal ones or snickerdoodles.
Nougat will be considered acceptable.
No chocolate Easter bunnies.
Chocolate fondue fountains will run dry and rust.
No hot cocoa. You might as well float those marshmallows in just some hot water.
M&Ms? Forget it. Extinct.
What will Professor Lupine give Harry Potter when he sees a dementor?
If Willy Wonka were real, (Johnny Depp or Gene Wilder, you choose) I would appeal to him to unearth some kind of magic cocoa bean supply. I would hope his Oompa Loompas would be the foot soldiers to this cause.
And the problem is, we can’t stock pile chocolate. Because that’s gross. I’ve tried. It’s unpleasant.
Chocolate will be the new drug trade. Empires will rise and fall. Tourists will be kidnapped in Swiss villas for their advent calendars.
This is serious folks.
We need to save the chocolate crops now. I don’t want some scientific GMO frankenchocolate. I want regular chocolate.
So China- listen up- back off the chocolate. Everyone- we need to ration this.
If we keep calm and don’t go crazy, perhaps the cocoa bean farmers will be able to catch up to our demand with their supply. Maybe 5 years is enough time to sound the alarm and solve this before it’s a problem.
Can we do this? I think we can.