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Self love. Yes, THAT kind.

Please be advised this is no pervy, whack-off post. Any of you who found this by Google or other key words, just go elsewhere. This is about parenting. If you’re looking for anything otherwise, move along.

Masturbation.

Yep. That word. It’s a doozy. What comes to mind when I hear that? That character on Family Guy, was it Master Bates from the Morning Wood Academy?  Ha ha. Insert frat humor here.

Okay. Have you had THAT talk with your kids? I’ve had that talk with my kids. But I’m talking about this talk. The other talk. You know, where you tell them that if they touch themselves they will go blind. Or their hand will shrivel up and fall off. I’m kidding! I just said that small puppies will die. Okay, seriously.

I have NOT had this talk with my kids. We’ve talked about sex and how a baby is made. Emma is pretty clear on most things between a man and a woman. I mean, you know, the basics. She’s had family life in school, she knows about STDs and drugs and alcohol. She’s got it covered.

Okay, well maybe I did have THIS talk about Master Bates with Emma. But it was not on purpose.

My children have always been, uhm, you know, precocious. They are big farters and announcers about their farts. They talk about their privates. ALL. THE. TIME. We’re pretty comfortable talking about pretty much anything.

And then, the other day, Owen asks me if it’s true that when you rub your nuts your penis gets hard. Well, I said, I don’t have that equipment so I can’t say from experience. (Yeah, I know, easy way out.) But that if at any time you want to touch your privates, it’s totally fine to do as long as you are by yourself and privately at home. And then I asked him where he heard this bit of information. And he said a kid at school said that rubbing your junk makes it hard. Lovely.
AWKWARD. So I just casually said that if he had any questions he should probably ask his father. And that if he ever feels like touching himself, it’s totally not a big deal and again, reiterate that it is to be done in seclusion. And to please not talk about it with anyone outside our family, like at school or the playground.  It’s best to just come to me or dad with questions.

I think I handled that pretty well.

Moving on to a different day and Emma makes a joke about rubbing the cats balls while she was petting his belly. Technically he doesn’t have any balls, since he is neutered, which is also more fodder for discussion and jokes in this house. We like to talk in funny cat voices and talk about his missing balls. It’s a whole ‘nother story.  I said to please not molest the cat, it invades his privacy. One should only rub their own privates not anyone else’s or any animal’s for that matter. (Seriously, I need to have these conversations? WTF?) So she says, “Why on earth would anyone ever want to rub their privates?!”

Uhm. Well. Uhm. No reason.

Is what I should have said.

But instead, I start to pontificate on the benefits of self pleasure. Well, not exactly. But I said that masturbation is totally normal and nothing to be ashamed or afraid of. It is perfectly common for when you start to reach adulthood and sexual maturity to want to touch yourself only with the means of making it ‘feel good’.

Insert big shocked face from Emma here.

“Oh my gosh!! There is NO WAY that I’m just going to stick my hand down to my vagina because I WANT to! Do I just start flapping around my labias and clitoris for fun? NO!” (okay, this girl knows her parts and it kinda freaks me out every time she uses them in context!)

Me- “Well, your brother was discussing that boys at school talked about rubbing their privates and it felt good, so I was just making sure you were clear on the whole parameters on that kind of thing.”

Her- “DISGUSTING! So dad rubbed his junk when he was a teenager? Like I want to think about that!! EWWW!!! No thank you!”

Me- (Totally not trying to crack up and make her think I think this is a joke. She makes Taylor Lautner pectoral jokes all the time, now she goes all prude on me?) “Hey, that’s fine sweetie, whatever you are comfortable with. And if you have any questions, feel free to ask.” (please, please, please, don’t have any questions.)

Her- “Okay, well thank you for that mom. I’ll just go to bed now and try not to have nightmares about this sort of thing.”

Drama queen much?

So there you go. If you ever need any advice on how to talk to your kids about anything sexual, feel free to ask me. No, actually, I’m kidding. You’re on your own.

But I have said this- as much as we parents squirm and dance around this stuff- if your kids can come to YOU about it, Elle Woods finger snaps to you.

Because parenting is about being there. And then blogging about it after they walk away.

Comments

  1. Hilarious, hilarious, hilarious. That is all. Wait no it’s not, will you come tell MY kids about it? I can’t handle it. My Mom was TOO INFORMATIVE and open, and in fear of this, i know i’ve gone too far the opposite. We are home all weekend. Come on by.

  2. Teri says:

    Laughing my butt off at this one LOVE the way you just freely offered the definition and furthered the discussion. Haven’t you ever heard the phrase “Let sleeping dogs lie and for heaven’s sake don’t touch their weenies.”???

  3. Kelly DeBie says:

    OMG I didn’t listen about the not drinking coffee thing while reading this. Up the nose.

  4. We have a 12 year old boy on the loose that the “Smart House.” It’s frigging ridiculous. My husband has had the masturbation talk MORE THAN ONCE. Seems you have to password protect all electronic devices capable of accessing the internet due to the attainability of free porn. I mean porn, ok I get, it he’s taking a gander. Still, I’m not comfortable with a jizz banging 12 year old BOY at my computer. My hubs and I talk in code for instance we’ve labeled the boys’ bathroom “Jizz Factory Number 1.” The term “I’m pooping” is now code for I’m beating my monkey leave me alone while I use up twelve rolls of toilet paper, then flush it and wonder why the toilet backs up. Yes Frugie, I’m a lil bit frustrated with this and I HOPE this phase passes, but both Smart Hubs and I know that it never will. Ahhh…so enjoy the Age of Innocence while it lasts!!

  5. So funny that I wish I had read the warning about spewed coffee before I launched into this one — my computer screen may never be the same.

  6. I walked in on my 8 year old son last week. He was supposed to be taking a shower, but the water was not running. We harp on privacy in our house, so I knocked on the door. “You pooping?” “No . . .” “Why isn’t the water running, then?” Silence. Quiet. So I knock again, and then open the door and he jumps behind the shower curtain, red faced and guilty. “I’m not doing anything!” Well, I wanted to walk out and go die somewhere. But instead, I said, “It’s okay to touch yourself. Just as long as you’re at home, and in private. Like now. ” (Masturbation. You’re doing it right.) Then I walked out, shut the door, and sat next to my husband on the couch. Mortified. But I think I handled it well.

  7. Okay, I am squirming in my seat just reading this. Will you come to my house and answer my sons’ questions for me, please? I just wrote a post about talking honestly with your kids, but I am so uncomfortable doing so about “certain” things. Good thing they are boys, and I can push them off on their dad (the questions, I mean – see, now I’m all flustered!).

  8. I partially hid my face behind a pillow while reading this because I am just so not ready for this conversation. When the time comes, can I just print this out and hand it to all the kids. “Here. Read this and then e-mail my friend Fruggie if you have any questions.” Also, the last line of this blog is genius. I’m not saying it should be your tag line, but, it totally should.

  9. hemsforher says:

    This made me die, and maybe wet my pants a little, though I’m scared to stick my hands down there and check it out ;)

  10. Lori Wescott says:

    The last two sentences complete me.

  11. Kristen Mae says:

    OMG this post and the comments along with it are HILARIOUS!! My six-year-old was getting ready to get in the shower last night and yelled, “HEY MOM LOOK AT MY PENIS!!!!” at the top of his lungs, falling all over the bathroom giggling like a moron. Yeah he totally had a little boner. I was all, ‘WTH AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY TO THAT???’

    And because I’m so great under pressure and all… I said, “Yep, that happens sometimes…”

    WTH.

  12. Oh my GOD this is one reason I am happy to have two girls and no boys. There is now way in hell I could ever have The Conversation with boys. GAH!!!!

    And my girls? They’ll get a book on the subject when the time is right. ;-)

  13. Monika says:

    I am SO impressed. I so would have gone with “Uhm. Well. Uhm. No reason” and missed an opportunity to undo a little of the body shame and ignorance prevalent in our girls. Slow clap for you, Ma’am.

  14. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Thank god my child is three. Although my husband and I are apparently 12 year old boys, because the first time the kid had morning wood as a baby, my husband was like “WIIIIIIFE GET IN HERE!!” and we both giggled until we almost wet ourselves. Sigh. I think it’s a hopeless cause in our house.

  15. Dying, really. Sharing this right now!

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