Twenty somethings- listen up. Twenty years from now, sex is going to be really different. Especially if you get married and have kids. I don’t know what single person forty something sex is like. You’ll have to ask someone else.
But almost middle aged sex (forties count as middle aged right?), is really different. Some might say lazy and infrequent. I say, simplified and comfortable.
First there’s foreplay. There are two kinds of foreplay. The Race Track and the Camp Fire Starter.
The Race Track is when you’re laying on your side away from your husband. You ask for a back rub. He reaches out one arm and traces what feels like a figure eight. He continues with this pattern for about 10 times and then says, “there, how’s that?”
Wow. That’s, uhm, excellent. I feel SO relaxed. It was just like the spa.
The Camp Fire Starter is when you’ve both gotten in bed on each prospective side. I call this, the safe zone. I lie on my side, he lies on his. He decides to explore the slight possibility, we’re talking slim here, that I might be ‘interested’. He ventures out of the safe zone and daringly puts his hand on my pajama covered knee and rubs back and forth. It’s a random kind of thoughtless motion. Nervous back and forth, back and forth. The friction starts to cause heat and sometimes sparks fly. Not those romantic sparks. But actual static electricity emitted from the flannel.
I then joke, “are you trying to start a S’mores cookout here, or would you like to get busy?”
I don’t know what else to say but you will need it. Peri menopause makes your lady box like a beach. A sandy and dry beach. Even when you think you might be raring and ready to go. It’s a dehydrated box of fruit leather.
Now let’s move on to position.
Not positionS plural, no. Position. There’s really only one. I like to call it the side by side. It’s a way I figured out how for both of us to be on the bottom.
He’ll say, “Dontcha want to get on top?”
I’ll say, “Uhm not really. How about you?”
Him, “I’m kind of tired. It’s good, you go.”
Me, “I think it feels better with you on top. You get up.”
Him, “I’ll lay here and you turn to the side.”
Me, “Oh, this is genius. We can BOTH lay down and do it!”
There’s an actual part of me, the part that is from the neck down, that wants to just have sleep sex. I think it would be awesome if we could just have intercourse with our minds. I’m sure some evolved person like Sting, or Gwyneth Paltrow has come up with a way to do this.
It would be the perfect lazy person sex. Mind sex. Didn’t the movie Judge Dredd with Sandra Bullock have them do that? Or am I getting my 80′s pre-Speed era movies confused?
So let’s review-
Race track and Camp Fire are the two kinds of foreplay.
Lube is necessary because your lady business is like a food dehydrator.
One position is all you need. The side by side.
And there is your Guide to Married Sex in your 40s. Don’t get too excited now.
Oh, and after you’ve copulated and are enjoying a cigarette, be sure to read your copy of I JUST WANT TO BE ALONE.
What? You didn’t expect me not to plug the book did you?