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Sky rocket’s in flight….afternoon delight.

Wait a minute. This isn’t going to be a post about…..about…. sex is it? Actually, it’s a post on the fact that it’s time to clean my shower and marital relations under running water can be dangerous.

It was a Saturday just after lunch. Both kids were out of the house and me and the hubby were just home alone. <eyebrow raises> Yeah. Alone. Now I don’t know about you, but after the kids are in bed, one of us, is usually snoring on the couch. There’s drool involved and the dog curled up next to that person. We are just SO tired by the evening. If we don’t figure out a way for any interludes during daylight, there’s usually a long spell of no relations.

So I go upstairs to take a shower. I casually mentioned, “oh, what do you know- we’re alone and the kids aren’t home. Excuse me while I go take a shower.” Hint hint.  Eventually, I’m in the midst of deep conditioning my hair when the bathroom door opens.

Dialogue exchanged:

Me- “What took you so long stud? (in my best Mae West voice) Are you serious about this? (changing immediately to my own worried voice) One of the kids could be home any minute.” (Emma is far too aware of things that go on behind closed doors.)

Him- “It’s okay, I’ll lock the door. We’ll be quick.”

(yeah, that’s true actually.)

Me- “You sure? We kind of suck at shower sex. One of us could get hurt. Like me.”

Him- “Hey, might as well try, I’ve got to shower anyway.”

He walks into the shower and wraps his arms around my waist.

Me- “OH MY GOD YOUR HANDS ARE LIKE ICE!!! WARM THEM UP FIRST!!!”

Him- “Sorry, I’ll put them under the hot water.”

Me-”AAAAAH….THERE’S WATER IN MY EAR….. YOUR DRIBBLING WATER IN MY EAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP AGAINST THE SHOWER HEAD LIKE THAT!” (I hate water in my ears, just so you know.)

Him-”Sorry, I was just trying to warm them up.”

Me- “Here, let me suds you up ala Christian Grey style.”

Him- “Who’s Christian Grey?”

Me- “nevermind, I’ll just wash you down like all sexy, ‘kay?”

Me- “OH SOAP! THERE’S SOAP IN MY EYE! I THINK IT’S FROM MY CONDITIONER! Wait a minute….Okay…. that’s better.”

Him-”Let me get your back.”

Me-”Yeah, here’s a loofah, I’ve got some black heads I can’t reach back there. It’d be so great if you could scrub them for me.”

Me-”Oooh, your hands are warmer…. so is the rest of you… AAAAAHHH WATER IN MY EAR AGAIN! COULD YOU MOVE SO THIS DOESN’T KEEP HAPPENING?”

Him- “Sorry, it’s kind of cold out here not under the shower. We need a two person shower one of these days.”

Me- “We need a whole new bathroom one of these days. These gold fixtures are the worst in tackiness and the grout is coming apart.”

Him-”Yeah, tell me about it.”

Some kissing and smoochy stuff ensues. Trying to be uber sexy while my hair is piled on my head in a deep conditioning mask and not slipping on the shave foam residue, is a little tricky.

Eventually I try to take things to the next level.

Me- “Uhm, maybe you should like, squat. You’re too tall. Our privates don’t match up when we stand.”

Him- “You could bend over.”

Me- “You could fly off a bridge. What’s that smell? Ew. Do you smell that? Oh yuck! It’s this mildewey shampoo bottle. Look at the bottom of it. It’s all black and it stinks.”

Him- “Could we focus on the reason we’re in here.”

Me- “What’s that sound?”

<From the hall> – “MOM, I’m home!”

And scene.

Shower sex just isn’t what it’s cracked up to be in the movies or romance novels.

Comments

  1. Teri says:

    Me-”Yeah, here’s a loofah, I’ve got some black heads I can’t reach back there. It’d be so great if you could scrub them for me.”

    Cracking up. This is so realistic that it puts those fake sexy shower scenes to shame. Thanks for the laugh this morning, sweets!

    Teri

  2. mummymishy says:

    I am screaming here. HI LAIRY ARSE.
    http://theycallmemummy.com

  3. This is the best and most accurate description of shower sex. My husband is 6’2″ and I’m 5’4″. Why do we ever think things will line up right when we’re standing?

  4. Lynnette says:

    Bwahahahahahahaha!!!!! I absolutely love the truth in all of this.

  5. Jessica Cobb says:

    Oh good, I thought we were doing it wrong. Sounds like we’ve just been given unrealistic expectations! ;-)

  6. Why doesn’t someone write a “realistic” romance novel – the way things really are? Been here, (not) done it in the shower. Thanks for sharing.

  7. Angel says:

    LMAO!!!! This is so me and my hubby!

  8. *laughing hysterically*
    I suggested sex in the shower once to the Hubs. He just raised his eyebrows and looked at me like I was crazy and said it wasn’t all it was cracked up to be. He quickly added, “Not that I’ve done that or anything.” Mmmhmm. Sure.

  9. Morgan Welch says:

    yep, its always better in books and movies…real life is such a buzzkill!

  10. Ha! So true. So very sad. But so very true. I’m surprised more of us don’t die in freak, adult-related shower accidents.

  11. Michelle says:

    Omigod so so true. Ditto for the bathtub. But it never fails that my husband thinks we ‘just need one more try to get it right….’ As if.
    Love your blog – just discovered it via Snarkfest (we were mentioned in her tweet!) and am so happy I did!!

  12. I’m pretty sure they should send out PSA pamphlets when you turn 27 to make people aware of the little things you won’t be ankle to do anymore. Shower sex should definitely be in the pamphlet. Along with drinking/partying all night.
    There should also be one for new parents… Some things would have been better the first time around had I known then what I do now.
    Like: Your toddler may, at any point during sex, end up standing at the foot of your bed. Starting at you silently in the dark. And wait until you’re done to ask “Whatcha playin’ guys?”
    …I always lock the door now.

  13. So perfect! I’m 5’2 so I know all about shower “misalignment”. Hilarious, Fruggie!

  14. hemsforher says:

    Yep. Sounds about right! Curtis and I had a big bet last weekend about the number of times the average married couple with children has sex,and I lost. :( Whatever. There’s nothing sexy and romantic about shower sex in a normal shower. Nothing!

  15. Lil Miss Crankypants says:

    SO FUNNY and true!

  16. Tiff Cruskie says:

    This is so funny,and so true. You are hysterical. xoxo

  17. Jenni says:

    Dyyying. Glad I read this before nosy little people came home so I wouldn’t have to explain why I’m snorting and laughing so hard boogers are coming out!

  18. Kathryn says:

    Oh my Word!! I have tears coming down my face from laughing so hard! That is totally how “shower sex” goes! Thanks for the laugh. BTW…I came over here from My Life and Kids!

  19. Julie DeNeen says:

    Oh my goodness…soo true!!! I’m really glad I found you…Going to start following :)

  20. Andrea says:

    brilliant :) glad I clicking on that mama con link. Did you ever get that 2 person shower?

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