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The most random post ever- but also back to school stuff.

Right now my brain is like Steven Tyler’s testicles. I can’t imagine there is anything going on in there that makes sense or hasn’t been deadened by drugs. Oh wait- I don’t do drugs… so there proves my randomness. My brain is healthy, not some 70 year old’s scrotum sac.

The kids go back to school tomorrow. It’s a gorgeous day outside. I’m feeling a writer’s block. Or maybe I’m just constipated. I can’t tell which.

There’s the angel on my shoulder saying, “Those sweet children are off in the world again. Getting on that school bus to an instution of their peers and authorities that will shape their minds and mold them towards their future.”

Then there’s the devil on my other shoulder saying, “Sweet cheese and rice,  those urchins are outta here! Let’s watch Vampire Diaries and throw away all their shit!”

Well, it’s going to be a combination of the two.

I’m going to watch some Vampire Diaries. A guilty pleasure of mine, okay, not so guilty, that I will not let Emma watch. Yes, she gets away with a lot of things on Youtube and movies (I’ve let her watch Bridesmaids with me and she cracked up, don’t judge) but, the sex and crazed adolescence of Vampire Diaries is something I’d  like to preserve her innocence of for a little while longer.

I am going to clean under their beds and in their closets. The 12 year old still has bins of Polly Pockets and Littlest Pet Shop in her closet. Not to mention the oodles and oodles of Bitty Baby clothing and American Girl accessories. Those will all go in sacred storage. When she moves out, I will have a  room in the house dedicated to dolls and cats so I will bring it out of storage for display. McSweetie doesn’t know this yet- but it’s going to happen. Therefore I’m keeping all things American Girl. Okay, I’m not really going to have a room dedicated to dolls. I’m keeping them for my future grandchildren. I will be having more cats though. This is certain.

Where was I…. oh yes, Steven Tyler’s balls… no wait… not that. Oh yeah, kids back to school.

SO this is how it’s going to go. The kids will go back to school. I will get some light house work done. I will watch whatever the fuck I want to on TV and not have to tolerate Spongebob, Adventure Time or Gravity Falls. I will get a Frappuccino at Starbucks and lick the whipped cream off by myself and not have to share it. I will go to the store, Target, Sephora, Whole Foods… whatever… and take my own sweet damn time. No whining, no begging. None of that. Only I can whine or beg. With myself.

So here’s some pics of my sweet chillins’  off to school years ago:

This is my list of things to do this week:

Namaste bitches.

RTLF- #13 Thank God I don’t homeschool*

Well, this is it. Our last official weekend of summer. I’m sad to see this summer go. It was truly the best one on the books. But hells to the no, if I home-schooled, I’d be bald right now. I would have pulled out every last strand of hair in utter panic and frustration. *(Is home school one word or two? This is why my kids education is not up to me) Lesson plans, keeping kids on task, focused uninterrupted learning? HA!

On Tuesday the kids start school. Ahh. Yes. I’m not looking forward to getting up at 6:30 to get the girl out of her bed to drag her to the bus stop. I’m not looking forward to making lunch every day. Not that it’s HARD, but those UNCRUSTABLES don’t get in those lunch boxes by themselves.

I AM looking forward to going into each child’s room and scrounging under their bed and giving away to GOODWILL any last thing they’ve been holding on to for eons, forgotten, covered in cat hair and dust bunnies. Zombie apocalypse here we come- we’ll be able to hide UNDER our beds from now on. Because that wasn’t possible originally.

I am looking forward to having chunks of peace and quiet and the house to myself to watch back to back episodes of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. Have you seen Theresa’s hairline? That poor girl needs laser. And a brain transplant. She is off her rocker.

And if Downton Abbey Season 2 comes to Netflix streaming, watch out. Because this bitch is going all PBS on everyone. How I love stiff British people (that’s what she said) and their hierarchies of servant society.

Also with the school year comes soccer practice, Girl Scout meetings, Cub Scout events, PTA meetings, homework, Parent Teacher conferences… washing the PE uniform every weekend. Again- not that it’s HARD, but gosh darn, loading those clothes in the big machine gets tiresome.

Days will get shorter, bed times will be earlier.  Snooze buttons will be beat to hell.

But this is how it is – The Circle of Life. Cue Elton John please. Not the baby lion cub born, daddy lion dies- circle of life. I’m talking about the school Circle of Life. Autumn, back to school clothes (I might need a back to school handbag and boots), flannel sheets, Halloween, then the holidays…. and then we start again with Spring and our desire to crawl out of our holes again to summer and feel the sun on our faces.

I think I’m ready for it.

OH and I asked the Google, and Homeschool IS one word.