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A urinal. Would you have one in your house?

You know, I really have my children to thank for many things. My loose and flacid bladder. My jiggly tummy riddled with stretch marks. My boobs that hang down to my belly button like deflated water balloons complete with their own set of stretch marks. But also, I have them to thank for so much blogging fodder, it’s ridiculous.

The Boy genius, Owen, said to me today, that what we really need in our house is a urinal. Now I always know to put ‘an’ in front of a vowel, so is it ‘an urinal’? That’s just weird and I can’t do that. So, I will say just- urinal.

Okay, he said this of course, while peeing in the toilet. Let me describe to you the situation. I’m in the kitchen getting my 12th morning cup of tea. (I jest.) I can hear him in our powder room down the hall with the door open, peeing. Like a race horse. Then I hear a no pee sound. You know, when the stream isn’t hitting the water anymore. Yeah, that’s the sound of the stream hitting the seat or the side of the bowl. You would think by now at 9 years old, he has pretty good aim. Think again.

That sound is like nails on a chalk board to me. That sound is why I have a container or Clorox wipes under the sink in the cabinet. Sure he takes a square of toilet paper and ‘wipes’ up his dribbles. Barely. I mean, it’s not like he’s thorough or anything. There’s a reason 9 year old boys aren’t in charge of cleaning homes. When he was little he would sit on the toilet. Yes, sitting. How I miss those days. He was a lot more accurate then. Now he revels in the power of standing to pee.

And then he says, “You know what we need? A urinal. Why are houses not made with them?”

After bursting out laughing, I thought for a moment. He’s right. A household urinal would be really great. I mean, I wouldn’t be sitting on it. I think it would catch all the wee and there wouldn’t be any stray spray on the wall or floor. It would be handy for other male guests that come to visit. I could create a whole line of scented urinal cakes. We could have pumpkin spice, creme brulee, caramel apple.

Sure, it wouldn’t be pretty. But it’s not like a toilet is that pretty either. We are just used to it. We can get used to the urinal too.

I, personally, would love a bidet. I’ve always wanted a little sit and sprinkle on my lady bits to save time. My grandparents in Germany always had one. I would ask as a little kid when I visited, what the extra toilet is for.

So we’ll just get our home replumbed with a urinal in the downstairs bathroom, and a bidet for me upstairs.

Now I just need to find on Pinterest any powder room decorating ideas for urinals.

Speaking of urinals, don’t forget to enter my prize giveaway.

Nope, no fancy bathroom plumbing or deodorizers for prizes. But real cash! And cook books, and aprons and all kinds of things. Perfect for the holidays. You just click on the Rafflecopter link to the side. For reals. Don’t worry, your info isn’t used for anything. But I appreciate you spreading the love and sharing my blog so your friends can enter too. November 12th we’ll announce the winner.

Frugalistablog turns 1!!!

Confetti cannons and cake for everyone! Pew, pew, pew!! That’s the confetti cannons firing.

What does one do to celebrate their one year blogging anniversary? Eat straight out of the Nutella jar, that’s what!

I started blogging one year ago. One year. Holy shizzballs!! It’s been like nothing I imagined. For starters, I imagined Ellen calling me to be on her show. That hasn’t happened yet. So, see what I mean? Nothing like I imagined. I also thought Daniel Craig, Hugh Jackman or Melissa Gilbert would come knocking on my door by now. Hmm… still nothing. Well, here’s to another year of imagining.

What did happen that I didn’t imagine was YOU!!! All of YOU people!! Not just my mom, my brother and some of my neighbors, but folks in Saudi Arabia, Iceland, Ukraine, Australia, Malaysia…. crazy places that READ me! Not that where you live is crazy. Just that, for this little suburban American girl, those sound so exotic, and I honestly never imagined someone all the way around the world paying attention to my blog.

But let me also mention my blogging friends I have met. Okay, let me clarify. I haven’t ‘met’ any of them yet. But they are my peeps. My blogging sisters and brothers. Some of them I have made friends  on the ‘real’ side of Facebook. I definitely will be seeing quite a few of them one day in real live person. I truly can’t wait to drink a toast and break bread with these people. Hmm, that’s a lot of bread references right there. But my point being, they are so incredibly supportive. They are good people. They get the whole- build you up, promote you to the readers and know you’ll do it in return- process. They make my day brighter, help me believe in myself, commiserate over laundry and female issues. We laugh, we cry, we plot evil revenge on dickwads that leave awful comments. Just kidding!! You know me, I’m all about the peace! The friendship between other bloggers is definitely something I never imagined with this gig. It’s truly the icing on this wordy cake.

So I won’t name any of them specifically,  I’m afraid I’ll forget someone. So let me just say- you know who you are. You’re there for me, you are the wind beneath my wings. Cue Bette Middler.

My very first post was kind of like a child’s first day of Kindergarten. There were some introductions, nervous peeing, feelings of awkwardness and insecurity. But now I’ve found myself. My ‘voice’ I can call it. I’m not trying to fit in anywhere. Well, okay, I am. But I’m just writing and sometimes it’s funny, and sometimes it’s downright heart gripping. And thankfully you all just ride this coaster of crazy and dramatic confessions that I spew onto the screen.

Like my brother says about most of my posts- a lot of effort, not a whole lot of preparation. So true. I literally just developed my blog overnight. I know, hard to believe! (wink, wink) I just jumped in. Like a cold swimming pool. If I stuck my toe in and tested the waters, I bet I would have put on the breaks and backed out of there. But once I hit ‘publish’ there was no turning back. Sometimes I’m scared of a post. Sometimes I’m excited. Sometimes posts are crap. Sometimes they are gold. I never know. Okay, I have a slight inkling. But I’m amazed at what tickles someone’s funny bone or inspires them.

If you’ve stuck around all year  or just found me yesterday through this roller coaster and the complete whiplash that is my blog, then Thank You. I hope you stick around for another year. I think I’m getting the hang of it.

From vaginas, to my kids, to Spanx, there’s been a whole lot of fun going on around here.

I made this clip especially for you-

Do I have what it takes to be Blogger Idol 2012?

Say yes. Please!! And vote for me. Or tell them to pick me. Either way.

Apparently, Bloggers are the new rockstars. Could someone please tell my kids this?? Thanks.

Here is why I am entering Blogger Idol 2012, and what I wrote on my application:

Ahem, <clears voice> is this on <taps microphone>

I want to win Blogger Idol 2012 because of the drama queen in me, and because it scares the shit out of me.  I don’t think of myself as a writer. I first think of myself as an actress, an entertainer. But gosh darn, I started blogging and things just came out in words. Silly, hair-brained ideas. Self-deprecation at its best.  People started reading. People said they liked it. I’ve exercised in leg-warmers for gosh sakes in a video blog!

So even though my Sophomore English teacher told me, “Rebecca, your writing sucks”, gee, thanks, Mr. Merrier, maybe I didn’t WANT to write about Julius Ceasar, huh?

Now I write about what I want to. What I know. And when a reader says they ‘hear’ me, they hear my ‘voice’ from the words, that they relate or feel inspired, I get goose bumps. I think, ‘okay, I’ll keep writing’. Even if one person reads it, I’ll keep writing. Even if one person says, thanks for making me laugh today, I’ll keep writing.

I’ve written about depression, weight –gain, mothering, PMS, sex. Say WHAT? Yes, sex. I gripe about my kids, I get pissed at politicians, stupid people, the media. I like griping. But I also like praising. I have learned from other great bloggers, to love myself. To see myself in new eyes.  Softer, more forgiving eyes. Eyes that say, “I’m mom enough.” “I’m wife enough.” “I’m woman enough.” So I want to spread this feeling to other readers. I want more people to know that they are enough too.

There are so many blogs out there. Millions. And probably at least 100 I read. Saying I want to win Blogger Idol 2012 makes me feel like I am saying I’m better than they are. Well, gosh darn, no I’m not. I’m still in awe when bloggers I admire comment on my blog and refer to me or even share me.  Like I said, I’m the queen of self-deprecation. I can laugh at myself and with you, laughing at me! But entering a blog contest will challenge me. It will keep that little fire in me that says, ‘keep writing’.

It will also prove to my children that I’m a little bit cool. Just a little bit.
===================

So there it is. Award winning? Yes?

Not only will there be bragging rights for the winner, but a boat load of cool prizes for the winner and runners up are given.

Samsung Galaxy Tab 2

Chocolate goody basket

coffee

Snack Taxi

I was hoping a tummy tuck was in the prize package, but no luck this time.

Okay, just go on over and stalk them and tell them to pick me. That is all.

I will not censor myself

Hey, readers. Listen up. I’ve been holding back. You know the librarian with the glasses, the buttoned up collar and the comfortable shoes? That’s me. No, it’s not my alter ego stripper character. Although, that would probably be perfect if I were to have some secret stripper life. That’s describing how I’m feeling sometimes when I’ve been writing. I’m thinking of bringing out the fishnets, Flashdance sweater with the cut out neck hole, and a bajillion bangle bracelets Madonna style. You get this is a metaphor right? A wardrobe description to describe my writing? Right? Okay, cuz any of you waiting for pics of me in this get up- just move along.

My point is- NO MORE MRS. NICE GUY!

I’m not going to get all hung up on the Dewey Decimal system anymore!

I’m too careful. I feel I need to please.  I’m worried about what my neighbor might think. What my mom might think. What the husband might think. Well, too damn bad.

I should only have to please ME! If you don’t like what I write, well too damn bad.

Nobody has picked on me or anything. I just was thinking back on some previous posts, and I think I was treading lightly. I shouldn’t feel like I need to beat around the bush with my blog. It’s not a family get together with the in-laws where I should choose my words carefully. This is MY blog. And I’m going to write like I’ve had two appletinis and I’m out with my girlfriends!

Hold. The. Phone. There’s a Flashdance Barbie? Why do I feel like I need this?

Oh yeah!!

ARE YOU READY??

And you’re like, wait- you talk  about your time of the month, sex with your husbandtelling people how to feed their kids  and the sham family bed– what in THEE HELL could you be MORE honest about?

Well, I don’t know- YET. But I promise you, whatever it’s going to be, it will be raw, rough and naked. SEE! I’m already letting loose! ha!!

Maybe it’s this whole turning 40 thing on the horizon.  Maybe it’s life is too short to waste on feeling self-conscious.

I’m going to wear green eyeshadow if I feel like it, regardless of the beauty mags that say I shouldn’t since my eyes are green. And I’m going to wear red lipstick when I feel like it too. Because I got some nice lips, and I can show them off, even if I think I look like Gwen Stefani when I wear red lipstick, but I probably look like Courtney Love after a heroine high.

This is how I look in red lipstick.

So there you go. Stay tuned.

Just kidding!! THIS is how I look in red lipstick, especially after running around doing errands and carpool.

Wax on; wax off.

What’s the first rule of writing? Write about what you know. OKAAAY then. I’m writing about me. Moi, myself and I.

My friend over at  You Know it Happens At Your House Too sent out this ‘challenge’ or ‘assignment’ if you will.

Fifteen things your readers don’t know about you. Really? Fifteen? Isn’t that a lot? I mean, if I use up all fifteen, then what will I have to write about tomorrow? OH wait… PMS… Just kidding! Sort of…

Okay here goes.

1) I like that song The Climb by Miley Cyrus. I know- dippy. But the lyrics are really good. I get kinda teary thinking about certain struggles like paying the credit card bills, sticking to my non-dairy-no meat diet, wondering if my children will appreciate everything I’ve done for them.  So I want to stand in some meadow belting this song out at the top of my lungs. I also want to stand in a meadow and spin like Julie Andrews in The Sound of Music— maybe, that’s my #2.

2) I want to spin on a mountainside meadow and sing The Hills Are Alive, With the Sound of Music. I mean, WHO DOESN’T?

3) I don’t wax anywhere except my eyebrows. I mean, ANYWHERE. Is that bad? Please tell me I am not the only woman on the planet that doesn’t wax her business. Like Tina Fey said on Saturday Night Live a few seasons back;  “Women used to have a garden down there the size of a New York City slice of pizza.”  Let’s not go into any more detail, but seriously? One more thing for me to groom? I think not.

4) I spent my senior year spring break getting my wisdom teeth out. All four. Impacted. I was a nerd. But hey, I got it out of the way.

5) I kind of miss the way my kids smell when they were little. Now they just have body odor and morning breath. I like the ‘after-nap’ smell of when they were 2 years old. Kinda sweaty behind the neck and sweet and peach fuzzy. I don’t miss the toddler years, but sometimes I just wish they could smell like that again. And take naps. And not talk back. And do their homework.

6) I only have two houseplants and they are barely alive.

7) I have a horrible fear of heights. Even thinking of looking out a skyscraper windows makes my palms sweat.

8) I met my husband at a funeral. NOOOW, don’t think he was like Will Farrell in Wedding Crashers, “sad women are soo horny” Eww. No! Our families were friends and his grandmother passed away so we had all attended the funeral. He didn’t ask me out, but we were introduced.

9) I have never mowed our lawn. I don’t do yard work. I don’t really do housework. What DO I DO?

10) I’m one of those people that loves to do Karaoke and think I can sing, but really I can’t. I pretend to pull it off with STAGE PRESENCE. Sell it… sell it… I think I will vlog a Karaoke performance for you. THAT would be AWESOME.

11) I used to do this thing when I was a teenager where I would use a big word, that I didn’t really know what it meant, my friend Stacey would be like, ‘that’s not what that means’. I would be all back at her, ‘that is so esoteric of you’.

12) I want to be a figure skater. Or a Vegas show girl. I want to be anything that requires lots of makeup, glitter, and fishnets. I used to act out Olympic figure skating finals events in my bedroom. I can’t skate. Other than that, I think my chances are good for a career as a drag queen.

13) When I was 4 years old I wanted to marry Shaun Cassidy. I watched The Hardy Boys and I was sure that 14 year age difference meant that he would wait for me. A Do Run Run, A Do Run Run.

Parker was pretty darn cute too. What's better- those collars or high-waisted pants?

14) I hated zucchini when I was a kid, but would love my mom’s cream of zucchini soup.

15) My husband and I honeymooned in New England. We had lobster, clam chowder and stayed in Bed & Breakfasts. Who were we kidding? Our marriage was tested immediately. We survived 10 days of driving long hours in the car- him not asking for directions, me insisting we needed to stop for Maine Coon cat souvenirs. We stayed in Inns with no room service and squeaky bed frames. Why we didn’t go to Mexico and sit beside a pool getting drinks brought to us and endless room service, I don’t know. But that was 15 years ago. And we would do it again. But this time we would have GPS to guide us through the endless and confusing highway system of downtown Boston. We would do it, and we would ENJOY IT!

Well that was fun. ONLY 15?? Gosh I could keep going…

Welcome to the party, and why the hell am I called Frugalista?

I want to just fess up and say that I think my blog name is stupid. I remember 6 months ago when I was coming up with my whole blog in the first place, I wanted a name that was cool like The Bloggess. I was also a little intimidated because this was my first blog and I was very self conscious about my writing. I really just threw caution to the wind and jumped in like people do for those Polar Bear plunges jumping in icy waters. Crazy! I say, crazy! So needless to say, I wasn’t going to name my blog Her Royal Highness, the Blog Writer. Now I’m kinda wishing I did.  Because, I feel like I can do anything. I practically wear a cape when I write. I feel invincible.

But I won’t kid you- criticism is totally my kryptonite.

Okay, so I’m not Superwoman. Or Wonder Woman. I couldn’t fit into those hot pants. But the boots are pretty cool… I might rock those cuffs pretty good too….

I'm sure most of you men are thinking, 'why is that picture so friggin' small?'.

I fall into the category of mommy blogger. For obvious reasons because I’m a mom, I write about my ‘stay at home’ adventures of car pool and bed times. The name Frugalista came to me because it seemed a good play on words for my savvy bargain hunting and my desire to be at Paris Fashion Week. So for those that are new to this page- now you know.

Remember that FRIENDS episode where Rachel makes the Christmas dessert trifle from a magazine recipe and the pages get stuck together? She puts meat inside the trifle because she thought that was part of the recipe. I’m that meaty center. Unexpected, maybe tasty, maybe not your cup of tea, but unique. So there.

I do blog about shopping and things I like. I like sharing what makes me happy. I am NOT a couponer. I’m like those new Ellen JCPenney commercials- no coupons on this padre!

So between the bitching about my husband, my kids, random people in the news, my obsession with movies… you know- I like to talk about great shopping deals, makeup, and cute little fashion finds. But I also have to pretend to my husband that I don’t shop EVER, except for groceries.  All that makeup, clothes and shoes, procreate like Gremlins after midnight in my closet. Right?

Despite what the calendar says, it is not Spring here yet.  It’s between the 30s and 40s for a high in these great northwest parts. So I’m ready to bust out my spring looks but hate hypothermia, so I’m still in fleece, wool and Goretex.

If I WERE to get all fashiony, these are my gems of what I’m excited about-

Colored denim. At first I was like all, you won’t catch me in yellow jeans. But then I saw a couple friends in cute skinny jeans that were colored and they looked SO cute. So I got a pair of cobalt blue. Hey, it’s close to denim right? So bright blue it is with a pop of orange or teal, oh, and some cute wedges and a pedi…. oh Spring, just GET HERE ALREADY!

WANT!

It's like Skittles for pants.

Scarves- I’m obsessed with scarves. I have more scarves than Imelda Marcos has shoes. Well, not quite. Maybe more scarves than Paris Hilton has chihuahuas.  I have plenty of warm weather, cold weather and all the weather in between scarves. I like something soft and lightweight around my neck (ha ha, no, not a dog collar thankyouverymuch).  Even when it’s warm out, having  a light weight scarf can serve several purposes- helps shield the sun from your decollete and keeps off the chills if the a/c is cranked somewhere.

Look how pretty and bright that is!

I bought at least three at H&M. They have wonderful prices and lots of great neutrals. I got a bright orange one at Nordstrom that was less than $20. I’m thinking it’s like my personal piece of sunshine to take with me wherever I go!

Next, let’s talk product-

Beauty Balms- For the ultra product-savvy, you know what these are. The industry calls them BB creams. For those that don’t know- these are like a tinted moisturizer that have SPF, primer, and brightening properties all in one product. They come on the really high-end like Dior- to the first ever at the drugstore brand- Garnier. I have yet to try the Garnier one, it’s sold out wherever I go. But the Dior one is great and so is one by Boscia. Some have one tint fits all, some have shades. If you are a less is more person- this is for you. You’ll get some coverage and sun protection in one product. Bam! You’re welcome.

Hair products-

There’s a line of products out there by ALTERNA  called Bamboo. I love their glossing creams and root sprays. They seem to have what the label promises, organic ingredients and I seem to be going back to them even though my bathroom looks like a Sephora store.

Find this at Ulta or Sephora.

Entertainment-

Yeah, I’m the queen of TV. Although, it seems as much TV as I watch, people will ask if I’m watching a show and I realize I haven’t been. So I know that I’m not watching EVERY show out there. Even though it seems that way to my husband.

GCB- the new show on ABC with Kristen Chenoweth, who I love! It’s over the top, ridiculous and campy. Perfect for me! Check it out!

And yes, she does sing on the show!

So there you have it. Like a little dish of candy all served up nice and sweet. Thanks for joining me. Tune in next week when I write about…. wait for it…. PMS- just like always. Okay, I don’t really know if I will, but 8 out of 10 posts seem to deal with that, so there’s a good chance of it in the forecast.

Smorgasbord

On today’s blog menu : Smorgasbord. Of the writing kind. There is no lingonberries or pickled herring. My apologies. Or, you’re welcome.

I have so much floating around in my head, I need to just get it all down. It’s like a solar flare in my brain. This must be why.

It goes something like this:

Birth control

Ugandan child rebel armies

Revlon color stay nail polish

Lindsay Lohan

Downton Abbey

See?? I told you!! What a mess. Please tell me I’m normal.

So the whole Douche Limbaugh birth control story got me fired up last week. Read here.. And then it was still in my craw this week. We are so seriously fucked up in this country that big Pharma gets billions of dollars for a guy to get his wanker up and we (females) get chastised if we don’t prefer to get our uterus inseminated. Millions of women go on birth control for dozens of reasons. To be perfectly honest, I was prescribed the Pill at a very young age to help stall the endometriosis that was wreaking havoc on my uterine wall. Because of the Pill, I have two beautiful children. After their births, I continued on the pill for some time to help the dysmenorrhea that plagued me and because, news flash- we were done having kids!

The world is different now. We can’t all just blaze a trail of procreation and have 7 kids each. Am I right? The Duggars are not my ideal. Can you imagine if we all had 20 kids? If you think there’s a problem now in our overcrowded world, then just wait.

Also- my pregnancies were both riddled with risks and problems. For myself and my children. I don’t want preeclampsia or preterm labor any more. Twice was good enough, thanks. If I die from kidney failure on my fifth kid, that doesn’t help the family much, does it?

I’m being really brazen here I know. But let’s not mince our words. Some of us like being pregnant and some of us think it’s seriously God’s vengeance on Eve. I’m in the latter in case you haven’t noticed.

So Rush- STFU! And by the way, I’m working on that sex video you wanted Sandra Fluke to post. It’s really good. (I’m totally kidding.) (Maybe.)

Then there’s the KONY 2012 video that is sweeping the world.

My take:

Yes- we need to stop Ugandan children from being pulled out of their beds at night and made into guerilla war pawns. We need to stop this from happening in ALL African countries.

We need to do our research and see what charities and organizations can be the most effective in this. Maybe it is the Invisible Children organization. Maybe it’s a different one. Some say it’s a scam. Some say it’s contrived and not worth the money and rates low on Charity Navigator. (like here) and (and here).  I will say this- Lisa Ling doesn’t self promote her documentaries she does for National Geographic and the Discovery Channel. This guy doing this movie seems a little pious in his zeal for his social network experiment to put him on the map. I might be wrong. But then again – he’s literally there in Africa doing something. SOMETHING. Not just sitting on a comfy couch blogging about it. Do what feels right. Not what the band wagon is riding on.

Revlon Color Stay Nail Color- I know, WTF? right? This is how my brain works. I’m worrying about orphans in Africa while doing my nails.

I am a self professed product whore (not THAT kind Rush), and I love me a shellac manicure. But they are EXPENSIVE. So I found Revlon has a new nail polish that says it has the same qualities as a gel manicure when used in conjunction with their base and top coats. And I will say <<applause>> they are kind of right. At about 6 bucks a bottle, this polish is a champ for staying put for at least a few days. Not 11 days like the ad says. But normally, my polish non-shellac kind, lasts about 24 hours. Revlon Color Stay Nail Polish.

Lindsay. Lindsay, Lindsay, Lindsay (sigh, shakes head). You are just not ready for the big leagues. Props to you for getting permission from the judge to leave town on your probation. (Snort, cough, did I just write that?) But you can’t pull of Saturday Night Live looking at the queue cards the whole time with your Restalyn injected face frozen into a half-smirk. If it wasn’t for Kristen Wiig in your major skits, you would’ve bombed worse than you already did. Try again another time sweetie.

(courtesy, crushable.com) This was super funny, despite L.LO being in it.

Downton Abbey- since when is Masterpiece Theater the shit? And I mean the shizzle, off the chain, Lord Grantham is in da house dawgs. Okay, was that too much Snoop Dogg circa 2002?

It’s just I love period pieces and I love snarky British people. It’s all Upstairs Downstairs 2012. It just captures the essence of what it’s like to be privileged, wealthy and cared for. OR, hard working indentured servant. Okay, they aren’t indentured. But I can’t decide more which group of folks I like better. The snappy hard ass Gran mama played by Maggie Smith? Or the conniving bitch of a maid Mrs O’Brien. It’s all just SO GOOD.

(courtesy pbs.org) Oh Maggie. You delight and surprise me every episode.

Mrs. O'brien, you are as classic a bitch as they come. (courtesy dailymail.uk)

Well, there you have it. My smorgasbord for the week. Now that I’ve gotten that off my chest, I think I might go do some calculus or something. And by calculus, I mean, watch Bravo TV and catch up on my DVR.

Holla!

P.S.

There’s a contest on Circle of Moms going on right now for the top 25 funny moms. I think I qualify. If you do too- click over on the badge to the right and vote for me. You can vote once a day and you can vote for other blogs too. I sure as hell ain’t gonna win, but if I made it in the top 25, my boat would sure float. Thanks!

My own acceptance speech in perfect timing for this weekend.

I love awards and I love it when fellow bloggers of the WordPress community bestow awards on each other. It feels like in school when you get a candy gram or a special certificate from the principal. Once in high school I got the Perfect Attendance award as a Sophomore. I was even clueless enough to be at the pep assembly they were giving out the certificates of other achievements to accept my certificate in person. I didn’t realize what street cred this award would give me. How can anyone be so geeky as to get perfect attendance? Honestly, I just kept going to school each day because I was terrified of all the work I had to do if I missed any class. Second, it was one of the few years I didn’t come down with strep throat. Third, it all went downhill from there because my Junior and Senior years were spent heavily involved in thespians and forensics (that’s theater and speech and debate for you non vocab proficient people like myself) and we got to miss school a lot traveling to competitions.

So on to the awards:

The From Life Idle to Life Fantastic blogger gave me these awards- ALL FOUR- Holla bitches! (okay, that wasn’t necessary, I’m sorry.)

She is a sweet blogger who, despite her life being very different than mine; translation- I don’t think she drives a minivan or wears pajama jeans, but I could be wrong, she is a mom after all- she is supportive and witty and doesn’t even use swear words.

Qualifications of the awards are to accept, make a speech (see above boring diatribe of perfect attendance, the music would definitely have cut me off at the Oscars if I were to say all that), acknowledge blogger that gave you award and then answer questions about yourself. Pass on the award to 10 blogs you enjoy.

The Sunshine, Candle Lighter, and Liebster Awards State the following:

  • Act like a God among bloggers (write a post)
  • Give your Acceptance and Thank you speech  for the one whom blessed you with the honor. (See above)
  • Give the cream of your crop the award as well
  • Post awards on your blog if accepted

The Sparkly Ten Commandments are:

  • Give Thanks
  • Answer Ten Questions with Honesty
  • Pass it on to Ten Other Bloggers

I used to pretend Barbara Walters was interviewing me for her Post Oscar special. I would sit in my bathroom and practice, trying to get all choked up and cry for her like the other celebrities do. It was hard, because my life was so dang peachy. I didn’t have any good stories about sleeping on a bare mattress on the floor of our mobile home for years before my stardom, or how my blind mother drove me to auditions. I realize that is not only completely false but utterly preposterous. My mom is not blind!

So here goes: I will try to cry or get choked up at least once.

  1. Describe yourself in seven words:
    Fun, Beautiful, Charming, Organized, Brilliant…. wait… what? OH…. be HONEST… okay fine…. goofy, sensitive, volatile, picky, sloppy, devoted, empathetic.
  2. What keeps you up at night?
    Sometimes the neighbor’s dog. But mostly, I sleep through the night these days since the kids are old enough. I can tend to wallow in crazy obsessions from my over active imagination where I’ve concocted images of my kids in peril. Then my blood starts to run cold and I think of fuzzy kittens and rainbows and try to get myself to sleep counting unicorns….
  3. Whom would you like to be?
    Helen Mirren- I want to be British, saucy, and get away with anything.
  4.  What are you wearing now? My mom uniform- jeans and a thermal tea with socks, slippers and a sweater. I basically look like I walked off the pages of Cosmo, I know.
  5. What scares you?  Cancer scares the crap out of me.
  6. What are the best and worst things about blogging?
    I love that I can pretty much say what I want and most people get it. It beats a journal for sure. I hate the possibility of trolls coming around to spoil the party. I also dislike when my husband rolls his eyes at some of my posts. But I guess you can’t blame him.
  7. What was the last website you looked at?
    Facebook. duh.
  8. If you could change one thing about yourself what would it be?
    To be better at cleaning my house. And Angry Birds. I suck at it. I can only make it past the first level on like 6 tries. It’s pathetic.
  9. Slankets, yes or no? If by Slanket you mean Snuggie, then yes. Guilty.
  10. Tell us something about the person who nominated you.
    She didn’t know what a Slanket was and thought a Slanket was a slinky mixed with a blanket. Which is better than what I invented called a fornikanket which is a blanket for two while they fornicate. You know, for those chilly nights.

Now for the 10 blogs I would like to forward these awards on to and hope you check them out. They are funny, sweet or downright blunt and in-your-face fantastic, and some have few followers since they are so new, so I want you to go visit them and check them out.

The Teacher’s Pen

Barking in the Dark

Lady Goo Goo Gaga

The Sticky Egg

If I Were Brave

Raising my Rainbow

Piperism

Kvetch Mom

She’s a Maineiac

Motherhood WTF?

So to these 10 that I have awarded these blogging awards- follow through with the rules and be sure to acknowledge me in your acceptance speech. Cuz I’m a needy whore that needs to be fed with affirmation.

Enjoy!

There’s worse things I could be doing. Of course, there’s better things too.

Sitting on my couch watching Little House on the Prairie while blogging, eating chips and snuggling my dog. You could say I’m good at multitasking!

I’m not doing crystal meth, or dancing on a pole, or even working in one of those bikini barista huts. Yes, they wear bikinis even in winter. I’ve never actually gotten a drink there, but I drive by some and always see a glimpse of flesh. Burrr.

So what? I blog, I update my Facebook page. I like pictures of cute cats with funny captions. What of it?

I haven’t been on Pinterest. I haven’t been invited. But I’m really glad for this. Can you imagine if I wasted more time??

So instead of Pinterest, I waste my time on Someecards.com

I’m addicted to making awful, ridiculous, slightly offensive cards. With swear words too.

And that’s okay. Because I sure ain’t doing any of the above mentioned awful things. However, there’s lots I’m not doing. Like knitting mittens for Bosnian orphans, volunteering at an animal shelter, making quilts for crack babies, planting my community P-Patch.

Maybe I’ll add one of those things to my to-do list soon.

In the meantime- have fun reading my ecards. I bet they’ll give your fancy schmancy Pinterest craftiness a run for their money.

This one is for my husband. Feel free to share with yours too.

Doesn't it look like Cindy from the Brady Bunch?

This one has quite a few hits on ecards website. I'm quite proud.

I told you F bombs make me happy.

This one is popular too. I guess anything with 'porn' in the caption gets attention.

I’m afraid of trolls.

I’m not talking about the kind with the crazy pink hair or even the ones in Harry Potter or nursery rhymes. I’m talking about- blogging trolls.

Not these trolls. (Couresy of jeteye.com)

or this troll.. (courtesy savagedcharacter.blogspot.com)

I don’t like them. Nobody likes them. They are the playground bullies of the blogosphere. The bitchy housewives that snark at you like on a reality TV show.

I am lucky not to have had any trolls yet. My blog is relatively new. I imagine with the more visibility and popularity one gets that trolls are part of the landscape. I know some bloggers out there that have had some on their page. They post critical, nasty remarks. They love to whine in multiple paragraphs of what makes your blog stupid, or rag on your parenting choices or diss comments made previously by other readers.

I will put up my invisibility cloak to the blog trolls. Okay, that’s impossible. But still, I really wish there was a way to hide from them.

Someone’s comment summed it up best on another blog I read. They wrote- “If you were at a party and someone said a joke that was not really funny. You wouldn’t say, ‘that was the dumbest joke I heard. Why do you even bother? Gosh you’re such a moron!’ You would feign laughter and walk away to get another drink or something.” So let’s be courteous page to page like we are face to face. If you did say those things at a party, you’d be invited to less parties in the future.

The Bearded Iris recently posted about a blog post she wrote that was ‘trolled’. Iris took The Pledge to not allow that kind of stuff on her blog, to address it respectfully and promise not to participate in judgement and degradation elsewhere either.

Snoring Dog Studio also had a troll that she starved. They want attention. Trolls love when they can cause a fight. They shouldn’t be called trolls really, they should be called pot stirrers.

So click on the picture on my right hand feed or here: The Pledge , if you are interested. It’s okay to be nice.

I would like to say thank you to all the kind followers of my blog so far. I appreciate your comments and your support. I feel like a rookie in the blog world and there have been so many of you offering your encouragement and praise. And this needy Leo needs that like she needs air to breathe. So thank you.

And I guess, thank you to those that stop by to read and hate it and don’t say nasty things. I appreciate that too.

"If you can't say something nice...don't say anything at all."