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I can’t please everyone

“Get a hobby.”

“Get a job.”

“Clean your house more often.”

“Let down your hair and blow off steam.”

“You should go out with your girl friends.”

“Why do you go out so much?”

“Pay attention to your kids more.”

If I did nothing but look after my house all day, people would think I’m weird and need a hobby. If I just sat around and did a hobby all day, people would think I needed to work more. It’s called balance people. I do what works for my family. Not yours.

Why are people so judgey? I didn’t ask your opinion. Okay, I just did about the judgey question, but before that. Why do people judge my parenting based on how often I’m on the internet? Shouldn’t they judge my parenting based on my kids themselves?

I’m a SAHM (Stay At Home Mom). It’s a lame term. I don’t just stay home. Sometimes I do. Sometimes all I can do is wait for the kids to leave the house for the school bus so I can watch Sherlock on Netflix or Downton Abbey. I make myself lattes and eat baked goods and am in clear denial as to the amount of work I actually have to get done. It’s a coping mechanism.

Then there’s some days I leave the house around 9 am and don’t get home until 7:30 or 8 at night. Between errands, appointments, volunteering and taking the kids to their activities, I am non-stop.

On a really good day, I’ll throw in some laundry between errands and empty the dishwasher. On a fabulous day, I’ll prepare a dinner that is nutritious AND delicious. Whoa.

So if you’re wondering, no, I don’t spend my whole day on Facebook. Or my blog.

I blog when I can, usually after the kids go to bed. Or when they’ve left for school.

Why am I even telling you this? Because there’s bloggers and moms and dads out there who seem to share their opinions freely about how horrible us blogging, Instagraming, Facebooking, and Pinteresting moms are. And I’m tired of it.

I’m pretty sure my kids are totally fine while I sit here next to them and I’m on my computer. Or wait in the carpool line on my phone. And when they were younger, how many times did I hear, “mommy watch this!” and for the one millionth time I was shown how they could spin and forward roll. Or burp. I didn’t miss any milestones of my children’s development because I was on the internet. My children are not maladjusted because I don’t give them every breathing, waking second of my attention. No, in fact. They are independent beings that know how to wipe their own ass. (Most of the time.)

Now with the book, I Just Want to Pee Alone out and kicking book selling butt- I want to be clear that I am in support of other moms who share their candid tales of parenting and motherhood, pregnancy and post-partum, and not just do it honestly, but hilariously! The kind of stories you laugh so hard at over a Girls Night Out when someone shares the story of how they gave birth, that you pee your pants, or spew your cosmo out your nose. Don’t all moms pretty much share their birth stories?

Then there’s my marriage. If I make a few jokes about McSweetie, can we not jump to conclusions that I must be a nightmare to live with? Can we not think my marriage must be miserable and my husband so pussy whipped, he doesn’t know what hit him? If I was a stand-up comic and did this piece about how husbands can behave like children, there would be a lot of women who agree with me. Or husbands that agree with me about their spouse being childlike. But put it in a blog, and all of a sudden, I’m Dr. Phil and I need to stop giving marital advice and stop emasculating my husband. Trust me, a list about how my husband doesn’t pick up his underwear, doesn’t emasculate him.

He admits to his foibles. He knows he can be lazy around the house. So what? I get something off my chest, a few others laugh about it and tell me they relate, I feel better. Life goes on. We don’t have to psycho analyze it into a marriage crisis, people! I’m actually pretty awesome to be married to. I wash his shorts, make his lattes, encourage him and his career, send him off to heavy metal concerts with his buddies, take care of his mother’s birthday… I’m a pretty damn good wife.

Here let me interview McSweetie on his feelings about this….

Oh, sorry, he was asleep on the couch. I’ll ask him later.

Okay, are we cool? Because I’m a little tired of people getting their knickers in a twist. Just chill the fluff down. I can’t please everyone, so I please me. And my family. Thankyouverymuch.

And if you haven’t yet- buy the damn book!

I Just Want to Pee Alone- the book

 

 

Holy cow. I’m published in a book. A real pages with paper and ink- book. Not the ones stapled together in middle school you wrote in English class. Or the ones you tied together with string or ribbon from elementary school. A book.

Motherhood is the toughest – and funniest – job you’ll ever love. Raising kids is hard work. The pay sucks, your boss is a tyrant, and the working conditions are pitiful – you can’t even take a bathroom break without being interrupted with another outrageous demand.

Hasn’t every mother said it before? “I just want to pee alone!”

I Just Want to Pee Alone is a collection of hilarious essays from 37 of the most kick ass mom bloggers on the web. You will laugh, you will cry, you will want to share this book with every mom you know.

Featuring the hilarious Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva, My Life and Kids, Bad Parenting Moments, People I Want to Punch in the Throat, and many others, and ME!

Kindle version and paperback available on Amazon, see the link above! For iTunes- click here

And if you needed any convincing, the reviews are in and folks are saying it’s hilarious. Oh, and we just happen to be #1 on Amazon’s Parenting and Humor category. No biggy.

 

People I Want to Punch in the Throat

Insane in the Mom Brain

The Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva

Baby Sideburns

Rants From Mommyland

You Know it Happens at Your House Too

The Underachiever’s Guide to Being a Domestic Goddess

My Life and Kids

Bad Parenting Moments

Let Me Start By Saying

Frugalista Blog

Suburban Snapshots

Ninja Mom

Four Plus an Angel

Honest Mom

Binkies and Briefcases

Naps Happen

Kelley’s Break Room

Toulouse & Tonic

HouseTalkN

Hollow Tree Ventures

The Fordeville Diaries

Snarkfest

Mom’s New Stage

Nurse Mommy Laughs

The Dose of Reality

The Mom of the Year

Life on Peanut Layne

Momaical

Cloudy, With a Chance of Wine

Confessions of a Cornfed Girl

I Love Them Most When They’re Sleeping

Random Handprints

RachRiot

You’re My Favorite Today

Funny is Family

My Real Life

Reason to Live Friday #29 I am ______ Who are you?

I am ____________ Who are you?

 

 

I’m stealing this idea from my friend Tara and her blog You Know It Happens At Your House Too, who took inspiration from the Self Worth Action Project from the blog Craughing- “Here is what I want you to do today.  Sit down for five minutes.  I know that is not always easy, but this could be the best five minutes you have spent on yourself in a really long time.  Open your computer, grab a pen and a piece of paper (ACK!  What is that???), open up an app on your phone. It doesn’t matter what you use, just use something that you can save.  This is NOT a mental exercise.  You must put this on paper (either real or virtual) so that you can refer back to it on those bad days.  Set a timer for five minutes and write.  Write using the prompt I AM ______________________.  Don’t edit, don’t proofread, don’t change it.  You are not required to share it with anyone, even though I hope you do, but keep it close by so that on those days when you are feeling really horrible about yourself (we all know that we have those days), you can look back and remember all the things that make you wonderful.  I will start, here is my list;” (text quoted from YKIHAYHT)

I am Rebecca

I am a daughter, sister, mom and wife

I am proud of the little people I made and their lives thus far.

I am a loyal friend and try to smile any chance I get. Unless it’s before my first cup of tea in the morning.

I am unassuming and will trust you unless you prove me not to.

I am generous and charitable. If you need it, I will get it to you.

I am a sucker for a cute furball. Even the uncute ones. I have rescued countless lost dogs and have even driven across county lines to get a stray cat to a shelter.

I am happy of the life I have made with my husband. Making that first phone call to him so he would finally ask me out was the smartest thing I ever did.

I am never getting into politics despite what my mom thinks I should do.

I am grateful and honored for the life my parents gave me and the people they are.

I am fiesty and proud of it. I annoy people I’m sure, but I’m pretty happy with my gumption.

I am proud of this blog and the people it’s brought me to and the possibilities to come.

That was fun! Now you try. I took five minutes is all and ignored the oven timer and the dog barking. Just kidding! I did this after the kids went to bed.

 

And you know the cool part? I could’ve added more. Yep, I guess I’m cooler than I thought.

Now share with me yours if you’d like. You can put the link of your blog in comments, but only after you’ve done the exercise. You can email me at frugalistablog@gmail.com or message me through my Facebook page.

I want us to feel our worth. Not get hung up on resolutions and shortcomings. But be happy today with the person we are. Right now.

Peace in Connecticut

I don’t always like to blog about controversial topics. I don’t. But I’m a writer. So I write my feelings. My blog is my voice and I try to use my voice with a purpose.  Here are my thoughts on the horrible event at Sandy Hook elementary in Connecticut.

The fact of the matter is- I hate guns. But before all my NRA readers get hot under the collar at me- give me a chance here. I support the 2nd Amendment. Sure. I don’t like it, but that’s my opinion. You can carry a handgun. You can own hunting rifles. But get those mother fucking automatic assault rifles out of the hands of citizens. I don’t know why we don’t agree on that. The assault ban law expired years ago. Why?

So with that said, yes, I’m sure I’ve pissed some people off, BUT- here is what I know we can agree on. The persons who have committed these atrocities in the last year, and the last 10 years, all were mentally ill. Right? Nobody does this is thinking soundly. Clearly we can use these examples as a learning tool. Can’t we?

Politicians, lobbyists, activists, LISTEN UP- we need to stop reacting in a knee-jerk fashion, pointing fingers, spending millions of dollars on lobbying, blaming parties (this is not a party issue, I assure you.) I have Republican friends who hate guns and Democratic friends who own them. We need to get to the root of the problem and fix those who are mentally unsound.

It isn’t easy. I’m not stupid. But why do all the stories of family members and acquaintances to these criminals start with, “I knew something wasn’t right with them…”

I don’t know how you can argue your right to bear arms of a semi automatic firearm to a mother who’s 5 year old was gunned down while sitting in their Kindergarten class. Or tell the surviving children of that class why their teacher’s son came with so much fire power to kill his own mother and their classmates.

This could have happened anywhere, to anyone. It has. We’ve seen it. From Amish communities, high schools, movie theaters, places of worship… there is no place safe in America. There just isn’t.

So this is why I’m asking those that sound off in the argument on this to be kind, to be respectful, to honor those that are surviving the aftermath. Yes, people kill people. But guns used by people kill people too. Terrible things will continue to happen in our world. This event rips out our hearts because we can’t understand it. The fact is, more children die from auto accidents, bicycle accidents, and childhood cancer than they will from a mass shooting. But why does it always feel like there was something that could’ve been done?

30,000 people have friends and family members who are missing them in just this passed year lost to gun violence. My question is for all of us, what can we do to lower that number? What can we do to protect people’s rights, without threatening people’s safety.

What countries in our world have fewer gun deaths and better mental health provisions? What is their system? This isn’t a socialist or capitalist problem. This is an American problem. We need to honestly and thoroughly look at every single possibility we can do to prevent this, or minimize this from happening again.

The date on the calendar, 11 days until Christmas, makes this more painful. I think about the presents I’ve already wrapped for my children that are under the tree, that are unwrapped hidden around the house in special places. Their advent calendars happily opened each morning. I can’t not break into tears thinking of those advent calendar doors that will go unopened in those houses in Connecticut.

My heart is truly broken.

Peace. Truly, and sincerely- peace.

Happy Holidays. Frugie Style.

I don’t know about you, but the holidays can suck the living poo out of me. The final few days leading up to Christmas Eve are exhausting. If you’ve ever had to build a Playmobil Pirate Ship of 1200 pieces, your sanity will be tested. So will your sobriety. Waiting until those kids are asleep can’t come fast enough on the eve of baby Jesus’ birth.

You slip Benadryl in to their cocoa and tiptoe into the gift hiding area, do the gift thing, stockings, drink the milk, take a few bites of cookie to prove to the kids all that Santa jazz, then crawl into bed to have your youngest be up in your nose by 5 am anxious to peek under the tree.

The next 16 hours will be a blur of gift wrap, those plastic carton things that cut like a shiv, the zip ties that require hedge trimmers to open…the cooking, the drinking, the coping with family. At about 9 pm you can barely keep your eyes open. If the hubs comes anywhere near to your vicinity, you want to cut a bitch. So here’s my solution-

Think of this as my living Christmas card. From me to you.

 

 


 

Finding the Funny Holiday Link Up

Calling all bloggers! Do you have some hilarious holiday stories to share? Something so unbelievable that the blogging gods just handed you this writing gold?

My Life and Kids and Kelley’s Break Room are using their Wednesday Finding the Funny link up to share your hilarious holiday stories.

Here’s one of my favorites from last year. I make no apologies for having a fake tree. I can be hippy dippy and crunchy too, but the argument goes both ways pros and cons, fake or real. SO here’s my tale of why mine is fake. The TREE, that is! Geeze people.

Swearing Under the Christmas Tree

 

Now go LINK UP!

Finding the Funny Holiday Edition

It’s a very special edition of Finding the Funny! Today I’m teaming up with My Life and Kids, Kelley’s Break Room and 14 more bloggers to bring you a special Holiday edition of Finding the Funny!

How to Link Up

Link up as many posts as you want – old or new – as long as they’re related to the holidays and will make us laugh! Your post will show up here and on 16 other blogs!

It’s easy to link up!

  • Click on the “Add Your Link” button at the bottom of the page.
  • URL: copy and paste the URL of your blog post (be sure to use the exact post URL).
  • Name: enter the TITLE of your blog post – this is what will appear below your post picture. (Limited to 30 characters)
  • Enter your email address (don’t worry – this won’t be shared.)
  • Click on NEXT and choose an image that will appear in the link up.
  • Stick around and read the other posts and get ready to laugh!

Meet the Bloggers

All 17 of us will be sharing your posts on our blogs!

My Life and Kids

Kelley’s Break Room

The HillJean: Because My Life is Fascinating

The Fordeville Diaries

Frugalista Blog

Hollow Tree Ventures

Honest Mom

House TalkN

I’m Still Learning

Let Me Start By Saying

The Mom of the Year

Mom’s New Stage

Motherhood WTF

Ninja Mom

There’s More Where That Came From

Random Handprints

Toulouse and Tonic

Link up!



b POSITIVE PROJECT

Not as in B+ a blood type sillies! But BE POSITIVE. As in, your life. Don’t be a negative.

It takes work to always be happy. And actually, it’s impossible to always be happy. I allow myself some sad days too. But I try to keep those few and far between. You can feel sad, down in the dumps or melancholy, but still be positive.

Let me explain.

The kind folks at the b Positive Project  reached out to me. They are an apparel company that encourages the glass half full mantra. A guy quit his full time job to start this organization. They sell t-shirts and products and then send a portion of those profits to charity. But mostly, the employees and company of this gig are all about keeping on the bright side of things and spreading that message to the world.

They said I was their kind of gal who could help spread their message. Well, yeah! Don’t you love nice people who recognize nice people? I do. They sent me a t-shirt and now I wear it with pride and a smile.

Won’t you b Positive too?

I’ve said before that on the outside I must look like I live a charmed life. I brag about my kids on Facebook, I do my charity and volunteer work, I have fabulous meals at great restaurants. Heck, I’ve even been to the Grammys. I have an adorable husband. Parents who are close and dear to me, both physically and emotionally. I swoon over Daniel Craig and my husband doesn’t even flinch. I have a bathroom cabinet full of high-end beauty products, that regardless if they are doing their job, I am somewhat obsessed just by the mere having them.

So yeah- that sounds pretty dang good huh?

Well, here’s what you might not see. The husband and I have accumulated quite a bit of debt. I won’t go into this. It’s personal. What? You talk about your sex life, how can this be personal? I know. But it is. Times were tough, and they are better now. We plug on and keep swimming, doing our part and live within our means as often as we can. Minus a few treats now and then. Yeah, I know- Hawaii. Duh.  But that’s just the truth. We whittle away at the debt as we go. Sometimes life hands you some curve balls. We feel we’re still better off than most, so we just keep on, keepin’ on.

My sister is a disabled adult living with my already aging, and sometimes struggling parents. They struggle financially too. My mom lives with cancer and my dad has rheumatoid arthritis (and has recently overcome his heart episode!) and is also a cancer survivor. But hey- they are strong, fit and amazing, wonderful people. Yes, they get tired. But I remind them that old people are supposed to get tired!

The burden of my sister and her constant medical visits, pharmaceutical needs, paperwork, insurance claims, disability bureaucratic red tape, is a large anvil that weighs on my parents.  Especially my mom who is her appointed guardian. Like an ox’s yoke it can be heavy and restricting.

But our faith, our love and our spirit within, get us through. I’m there for my mom. She’s here for me. She has bailed me out of constant dilemmas. Why, we couldn’t have survived my restricted bed rest while I was on the last trimester pregnant with Emma if it wasn’t for her! My dad has fixed a flat tire on the side of the freeway for me. They are without a doubt, the definition of selfless people.

I know God gave me two healthy children because I’m already destined to be my sister’s guardian when that time comes. I don’t want to think about that time. You understand I’m sure.

So that is where positive thinking comes in my life. If we stack up each and every woe we have, it becomes a staircase of brambles and a giant hurdle no one could fathom.

If we take our problems like pebbles, putting them one by one on a garden path to cross each day as they come- it becomes a foundation, a gateway to walk on and see things laid out before us. Flat and less daunting. Not measured by what we haven’t done, but by how far we’ve come.

I think of my friends who have lost children to cancer. Children I know who have lost their mothers to suicide.

So with each warm cup of tea and dog snuggle I get each day, with each phone call from my mom and lunch out with her, and with each warm smile from the McSweetie when he comes home after an exhausting day of work; I remind myself that I am more positive than negative. I remind my children how blessed and fortunate we are. Not for the earthly comforts we have around us, but for the support and love we give to each other.

I will wear my shirt with the hopes of sharing b Positive’s message to anyone who needs it.

If you would like to order anything from their website for yourself or gifts, go on over and put in “FRUGALISTA” in the promo code box and get 20% off your order! For a limited time, so do it right away!

And also, like their Facebook page, and follow them on Twitter, so you can see all the positive they are accomplishing.

https://www.facebook.com/thebpositiveproject

https://twitter.com/bpositiveprojec

http://www.bpositiveproject.com/

Namaste my friends.

Frugalistablog turns 1!!!

Confetti cannons and cake for everyone! Pew, pew, pew!! That’s the confetti cannons firing.

What does one do to celebrate their one year blogging anniversary? Eat straight out of the Nutella jar, that’s what!

I started blogging one year ago. One year. Holy shizzballs!! It’s been like nothing I imagined. For starters, I imagined Ellen calling me to be on her show. That hasn’t happened yet. So, see what I mean? Nothing like I imagined. I also thought Daniel Craig, Hugh Jackman or Melissa Gilbert would come knocking on my door by now. Hmm… still nothing. Well, here’s to another year of imagining.

What did happen that I didn’t imagine was YOU!!! All of YOU people!! Not just my mom, my brother and some of my neighbors, but folks in Saudi Arabia, Iceland, Ukraine, Australia, Malaysia…. crazy places that READ me! Not that where you live is crazy. Just that, for this little suburban American girl, those sound so exotic, and I honestly never imagined someone all the way around the world paying attention to my blog.

But let me also mention my blogging friends I have met. Okay, let me clarify. I haven’t ‘met’ any of them yet. But they are my peeps. My blogging sisters and brothers. Some of them I have made friends  on the ‘real’ side of Facebook. I definitely will be seeing quite a few of them one day in real live person. I truly can’t wait to drink a toast and break bread with these people. Hmm, that’s a lot of bread references right there. But my point being, they are so incredibly supportive. They are good people. They get the whole- build you up, promote you to the readers and know you’ll do it in return- process. They make my day brighter, help me believe in myself, commiserate over laundry and female issues. We laugh, we cry, we plot evil revenge on dickwads that leave awful comments. Just kidding!! You know me, I’m all about the peace! The friendship between other bloggers is definitely something I never imagined with this gig. It’s truly the icing on this wordy cake.

So I won’t name any of them specifically,  I’m afraid I’ll forget someone. So let me just say- you know who you are. You’re there for me, you are the wind beneath my wings. Cue Bette Middler.

My very first post was kind of like a child’s first day of Kindergarten. There were some introductions, nervous peeing, feelings of awkwardness and insecurity. But now I’ve found myself. My ‘voice’ I can call it. I’m not trying to fit in anywhere. Well, okay, I am. But I’m just writing and sometimes it’s funny, and sometimes it’s downright heart gripping. And thankfully you all just ride this coaster of crazy and dramatic confessions that I spew onto the screen.

Like my brother says about most of my posts- a lot of effort, not a whole lot of preparation. So true. I literally just developed my blog overnight. I know, hard to believe! (wink, wink) I just jumped in. Like a cold swimming pool. If I stuck my toe in and tested the waters, I bet I would have put on the breaks and backed out of there. But once I hit ‘publish’ there was no turning back. Sometimes I’m scared of a post. Sometimes I’m excited. Sometimes posts are crap. Sometimes they are gold. I never know. Okay, I have a slight inkling. But I’m amazed at what tickles someone’s funny bone or inspires them.

If you’ve stuck around all year  or just found me yesterday through this roller coaster and the complete whiplash that is my blog, then Thank You. I hope you stick around for another year. I think I’m getting the hang of it.

From vaginas, to my kids, to Spanx, there’s been a whole lot of fun going on around here.

I made this clip especially for you-

If we were nudists that would solve my laundry problem.

Of course that would require us to get more slip covers for the couches. Ew!! Yeah, gross.

Oh my gosh, can you just imagine Owen nude all the time? He would be so up in his butt and playing with this nuts like they were stress balls. Which they are. I mean, he’s fiddling with them, they’re balls… you get the idea.

Before I started blogging, I would complain on my Facebook page about the laundry. I don’t read single people complaining about their laundry. Married folks without kids might gripe a little. Wives complaining about folding socks and undershirts. Maybe a husband wondering what in THE hell is with the once a month underwear from the misses that looks like a crime scene. But it’s not until you have children that you feel the pain of laundry. The burden that comes with the constant loads of clothes, towels, sheets, stinky socks, underpants. My favorite is the hunt. When I go to Emma’s room and her hamper is empty, but the clothes are strewn about the floor and she complains she has nothing to wear that just fries my craw. So goes with McSweetie. He has an entire pile of dirties, but the hamper is empty.

Now I know I don’t have to take them to the river or anything and beat them on wash boards. The clothes. Not the family members. Although maybe that would make them better at helping me! It’s the same as dishes. There will always be dirty ones. There’s always laundry. Always. Until we start going naked, there will always be clothes to clean. If we stop eating, we can stop loading the dishwasher. I prefer eating. I also prefer garments that cover my privates. So I suppose I will continue to do laundry.

We haven’t planned on moving to any remote island or getting shipwrecked a la Blue Lagoon style. So laundry it is.

And like most normal people who stare at a laundry basket piled high with clean things, I get out my video camera and decide how to vlog about it. I mean, right? You do that too don’t you?

So here’s my ballad to the laundry. I look really sad. I think I’m just overwhelmed.

What an asshole. Look at him just sitting on those clean towels like that. Little turd.

A Tutorial on Spanx*

*Or, how to stuff your muffin top into a Lycra tube.

Listen ladies (and men, cuz there is SPANX for men out there, but let’s pretend we didn’t know that), it’s not that hard. I’ve been wearing SPANX for years.

Yes, it’s a fancy name for a girdle. Yes, it’s not cheap to buy at Nordstrom. HOWEVER, it’s a helluva lot more comfortable than the old fashioned girdles of the 50s. I don’t know this personally. I’m only 40. But I can only guess since back then, the fabric didn’t ‘breathe’ a whole lot.

So yes, SPANX can be uncomfortable. Yes, SPANX can be hot in summer. And yes, there is that weird crotch hole in some. I will explain more on that later. BUT- it does slim, trim and whittle you down under clothes. I don’t care what size you are- the point is to be smooth and bulge-free under your clothes.

So if you are bulging out over your pants, or your back fat over your bra- then you’re wearing the wrong garment. Everyone’s complaint about Spanx is that it just pushes the fat to a different place. Well, that’s not entirely true. You need to push the fat IN and spread it OUT under the steel clad grip of the garment.

Oh and just a side note- the crotch hole is only for peeing. Not for pooping or sex. Just don’t go there.

I’ll demonstrate. Please sit back and enjoy this lengthy movie I made for your viewing pleasure. It’s like an infomercial. A little redundant, not as long, and DEFINITELY way more entertaining.

And I was not endorsed by SPANX at all in the making of this video. But I gotta say, if Sara Blakely wants to come and deliver me a truckload of these things, I’m her gal. Yes- I put SPANX on in the video.  You’ll see.  Have I NO SHAME?

Buy my book!