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Of course I peed my pants at the Pee Alone book signing

Last week at this time I was in Chicago for BlogHer. Blah blah blah. Are you sick and tired of reading about it yet? Well, just wait. There’s one more thing you don’t know yet.

So I wrote about how I was not able to poop the entire trip. You can read about that here. Go on, you know you want to.

But what I haven’t told you yet, is how I lost continence at the I Just Want To Pee Alone  book signing.

Let me set the stage for you.

It was a fantastic evening of about 15 co-authors from the book. We converged on the delightful Bongiornos Italian restaurant right by the Chicago River and Trump Tower. It was perfect. We had hours of signing copies of the book for about 60 fans, concluded by some of us reading our work. I read about my unsuccessful attempt with McSweetie at shower sex. People thought it was pretty funny.

Even my brother showed up for the book signing portion. Which made me squee out loud in excitement and knock over Nicole of Ninja Mom‘s wine glass. She had Pinot Grigio all over her skirt. Sorry girlfriend!

Bongiornos is owned by the in-laws of the fabulous Kim Bongiorno of Let Me Start By Saying. Kim is a self proclaimed albino wookie. She is really tall, and really pale. She says she has peach fuzz everywhere, but I didn’t see any. I’m not one to argue. Personally,  I think she’s a tall drink of water instead. That, or the prettiest wookie George Lucas could ever imagine.

I needed to use the bathroom. The restaurant has a bathroom key by the register. She hands it to me, leads me out the back door and points to a second story where the restrooms are. She says, ‘Do you see that sign that says  RESTROOM up the stairs?”  I’m a solid 4 inches shorter than she is. No I did not see the sign.

I said, “you see the sign because you’re so tall.”

At that moment, she wraps her arms around my mid-section and hoists me up, “Now do you see it?” she asks. That wookie is strong! I’m not sure if it was my laughter or the pressure of her arm against my bladder, but I tinkled. Just a bit. I holler, “Put me down, I just tinkled my shorts.”

She sets me down and we’re both laughing. Like hard enough to pee my pants some more. So off I run up a flight of stairs while simultaneously crossing my legs. Thankfully, I was wearing a black print dress. That’s about all the details you need, right?

And that is how I peed my pants at the Pee Alone book signing. I don’t make this shit up people.

 

Dear Roommates who have never met me. And other things to know for BlogHer 2013.

I’m going to Chicago for BlogHer. Deep breath. It’s my first blog conference and it’s a big furkin’ deal.

Last year’s BlogHer was in New York and Martha Stewart was there and Katie Couric and even the President addressed the crowd. Uhm, yeah. Big Furkin’ Deal. Like I said.

So in the interest of saving some money- I have 3 roommates that I am sharing a double room with for 3 nights. This could get interesting. What could happen with 4 women in a 250 square foot space over 4 days? Hmmm, don’t answer that yet!

Perhaps some of you attending BlogHer are in the same boat. Or room, I should say.

Let me be clear, I picked these roomies. Well, we picked each other. And I love these women. I think highly of them and adore their blogs, their voice and their whole vibe. So I have no anxiety over how much I will enjoy their company. I just want them to like me too.

So here’s a little cheat sheet on what I’m fearing/anticipating/hoping they like about me too, need to know beforehand, etc.

 

  • If I’m nervous, I will talk. A lot. Especially if no one else is speaking. I will fill the quiet air space with continuous random phrases. “Oh my gosh, my feet hurt. Did you feel how humid this city is? Are the toiletries any good in the hotel bathroom? I like pie.”
  • I will need two pillows. I sleep ON a pillow and hug a second pillow. Really, this is important. I can’t sleep any other way. I get all spare pillows. Sorry.
  • I like staying up late and giggling and making armpit farts with the next gal (right Anna?) but I do need my sleep. I’m terribly worried that I will be an exhausted cranky pants during the day because of the morning to night activities. Please let me sleep. No shave cream across my eyebrows, or hand in a warm bowl of water.
  • I have early morning gas. That is all.
  • I will bring a lot of products. Like a lot. You will think,”does she need all those lipsticks? She only has one mouth.”  And yes, I do need all those lipsticks.
  • I’m self conscious about pooping. It will be weird going to the bathroom knowing y’all are just on the other side of the door.
  • My kids complain that I don’t always finish my sentences. If we’re having a conversation and then I just trail off at the end of something I was saying…   Yeah. That.
  • I will be drinking lots of tea. You knew that already though, right?
  • I hope there’s room for my life size cut-out of Daniel Craig.
  • You don’t mind that I bring my Shih-tzu, Bitsy, right?
  • I don’t snore, but I do sleep with my mouth wide open. It’s not pretty. There will be no obscene jokes made as to the mouth-breathing capabilities I have.

Uhm… I think that’s everything. Well, it’s a lot anyway. Right?

Also, I’m fun. Really. I think. AND, I’m totally kidding about the Shih-tzu. The Daniel Craig cut-out… you’ll have to wait and see.

See you in Chicago!!

 

I Just Want To Pee Alone- Chicago Book Signing Event – Have you gotten your tickets yet?

Reminder- last few days to get tickets. Please come- I want to see you!!!

This is so much coolness my head might explode.

I’m calling this part of my official book tour. I’m like Chelsea Handler, or Carrie Fisher. Maybe a little of both but with less booze and pills in my system.

I’m gonna be in Chicago with 14 of the authors of I Just Want To Pee Alone and we’re doing a book signing!

Buy your tickets for July 26; 7-10pm, for $15. That ticket gets you a book and a drink.

  • RSVP here on the event page on Facebook.
  • Buy your tickets on PayPal here
  • Tell all your friends so they can come too!
  • Do it now before the tickets sell out!
  • Comment below so I know you’re coming and can wave spazztically at you when I see you; or hug you awkwardly and smell your hair.

 

Oh my gosh, I’m so excited to see you there. If you’re attending BlogHer already, you have to come!

And if you’re related to me or have known me since before puberty, you have to come too!

Yes, I will be reading from the book. And maybe I’ll share another humiliating story about my marriage.