Last week at this time I was in Chicago for BlogHer. Blah blah blah. Are you sick and tired of reading about it yet? Well, just wait. There’s one more thing you don’t know yet.
So I wrote about how I was not able to poop the entire trip. You can read about that here. Go on, you know you want to.
But what I haven’t told you yet, is how I lost continence at the I Just Want To Pee Alone book signing.
Let me set the stage for you.
It was a fantastic evening of about 15 co-authors from the book. We converged on the delightful Bongiornos Italian restaurant right by the Chicago River and Trump Tower. It was perfect. We had hours of signing copies of the book for about 60 fans, concluded by some of us reading our work. I read about my unsuccessful attempt with McSweetie at shower sex. People thought it was pretty funny.
Even my brother showed up for the book signing portion. Which made me squee out loud in excitement and knock over Nicole of Ninja Mom‘s wine glass. She had Pinot Grigio all over her skirt. Sorry girlfriend!
Bongiornos is owned by the in-laws of the fabulous Kim Bongiorno of Let Me Start By Saying. Kim is a self proclaimed albino wookie. She is really tall, and really pale. She says she has peach fuzz everywhere, but I didn’t see any. I’m not one to argue. Personally, I think she’s a tall drink of water instead. That, or the prettiest wookie George Lucas could ever imagine.
I needed to use the bathroom. The restaurant has a bathroom key by the register. She hands it to me, leads me out the back door and points to a second story where the restrooms are. She says, ‘Do you see that sign that says RESTROOM up the stairs?” I’m a solid 4 inches shorter than she is. No I did not see the sign.
I said, “you see the sign because you’re so tall.”
At that moment, she wraps her arms around my mid-section and hoists me up, “Now do you see it?” she asks. That wookie is strong! I’m not sure if it was my laughter or the pressure of her arm against my bladder, but I tinkled. Just a bit. I holler, “Put me down, I just tinkled my shorts.”
She sets me down and we’re both laughing. Like hard enough to pee my pants some more. So off I run up a flight of stairs while simultaneously crossing my legs. Thankfully, I was wearing a black print dress. That’s about all the details you need, right?
And that is how I peed my pants at the Pee Alone book signing. I don’t make this shit up people.