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Beauty advice that you shouldn’t follow from me.

Here’s the thing- I love me some product. Put me in a Sephora store and let me run free. I could spend hours in there. I get this crazy high from the product smell. The florescent lights. The colors and product to dabble with. I smile and act like I know what I’m doing. Nobody bothers me. I don’t feel intimidated. It’s a playground! It’s like a little Julie Andrews- hills are alive- moment I feel each time.

I should just go to cosmetology school. I could do hair, nails, facials, you name it! Well, I THINK I can. There’s a difference of what I THINK I can do, and what I actually SHOULD do.

Things I SHOULDN’T

Let’s start with 7th grade:

You TOO can have golden locks!!

Sun In

You know you did it. It didn’t matter what your natural hair color was. The temptation of those cute beach girls lightening their hair in the commercial was too much to resist. How easy it was to just spray on the stuff- and Voila! Orange hair. Or straw blond. Not strawberry blond. STRAW blond. Like hay. Dry and yellow. Whichever. Guys used it too <<cough McSweetie cough>>.

Ogilvie Home Perm

How many times I made my mom do this god awful process. Hey- perms were IN back in the 80s! Who DIDN’T want body and luscious waves? Who DIDN’T want a poodle perm? COME ON! Sad thing was- my hair was so hard to curl, it only lasted about a week. And the SMELL. Oh the smell…

If I could ONLY have looked like this!! Luckily, I have no actual pictures documenting MY hair don't.

Adult beauty mistakes:

DIY Hair color

Within the last 10 years, I went against better sense and colored my hair at home. My cool blond tresses have never been the same. The box of color was on the Target clearance end-cap. Tell me Sarah Jessica Parker doesn’t just pick up her hair color at Target. Right?  I followed the instruction booklet closely. The color was something like Champagne blond on the label. I looked more like Blush champagne when I was done. Like Arbor Mist Blond. A little on the strawberry side. A little flat too. It killed my highlights and made me really reddish blond. If that is even a color. I went to my regular gal and got a foil to break it up a bit. She laughed at me and made me Girl Scout swear never to do it again. Anyone out there who does color their hair from a box- I’m jealous.

Frownies- WTF? Huh!

Just look at this picture.

Yes, that's my forehead.

They are these paper sticky things you put on your ‘frown lines’ and it takes the place of Botox. Trains your facial muscles to relax so you don’t furrow and squint unnecessarily. Are they working? Well, it’s like a treadmill, it might work if you use them. But they kind of feel weird and hurt when you peel them off and you need to wear them up to 3 hours at a time or overnight. When am I going to go 3 straight hours with paper triangles stuck to my face?? And at night, I always ‘forget’ (translation, I’m too embarrassed to wear them in  front of the hubs). So they just sit in my drawer collecting dust.

Be careful of fruit acid peels. When it says not to use more than 2 times a week. Follow that rule. If you don’t. You will look like you went skiing with goggles on a sunny day.

Fruit peel or idiot who didn't use sunscreen?

Waxing-

I wax my eyebrows successfully each month. Remember when I told you I didn’t wax anywhere else?

Well, I decided to shave instead. BIG MISTAKE.

Let’s see how I can put this.

If you trim DOWN THERE with just a regular razor for your legs, it gets a little hedgehoggy. Maybe waxing would eliminate the stubble. But right now, the grow-out is pretty prickly. It seems that after writing my blog, Wax On, Wax Off– I almost felt like I could challenge myself and see what could be done DOWN THERE. Well, never again. I’m leaving it alone. It’s not itchy though. Yet. Maybe I shouldn’t have used the razor that was a month old sitting in my shower.

Oh look- it's my vajajay!

THINGS I WON”T TRY-

Anal bleaching- there is no reason I would do this myself or pay someone to do this for me. My anus has never been the same since child birth. I will leave it at that. I’m not auditioning to be in a porno in the near future, so it will stay its original color I was born with.

Eye lash extensions. I might get this done by a professional. I won’t do it myself. I don’t have a steady surgeons hand. I would look like Tammy Faye if I tried this. I don’t even think you can get your hands on the stuff if you aren’t a professional.

Eyebrow tinting.

Bird Poop beauty masks- yeah in Japan or somewhere they take bird poop- I’m hoping it’s special birds and not just pigeon shit. Not that it makes it better! They use the poop in beauty masks.  Anyway- Asian women are on a quest for white, porcelain skin, and there’s an ingredient in the poop that lightens skin.

Leaches- yep. This is sort of making a ‘come back’. Apparently, Demi Moore does this. Demi Moore also smoked some bad salvia and ended up in the hospital. I’m not taking beauty advice from Demi any time soon.

Botox- okay, except for the lady who injected beef fat in her own face- who would ever do this on their own? My Beef with Botox I’m not saying I’m not doing Botox ever. I’m just not doing it MYSELF!

Piercings, tongue splitting or scarring. Just don’t even go there..

So there you have it. Confessions of a not quite Beauty School Dropout. Not bad, right? Okay, maybe just a little…

Would you rather leave the house without makeup or eat broken glass?

You’re thinking, duh, eat broken glass right? That’s what these women on Dr. Oz’s show were acting like! He did a segment on aging and your skin. He asked all the women in his audience to remove their make up. HE also did the show without his make up.  I know, ha ha, he’s a guy, why is he wearing makeup? Everyone on TV wears makeup!! He even had his expert panelists and doctors appear without makeup.

These women in the audience were crying because they were on TV without makeup. Some said their husbands haven’t seen them without makeup, that their kids haven’t seen them without makeup, that they sleep in their make up. For reals? I’m sorry if anyone else out there lives like this. I hope I don’t hurt your feelings. But honestly, I don’t have the energy to wear makeup ALL the time. I LOVE makeup. It’s all over the house. I have it in my purse, my bathroom, my hall closet, Emma’s bathroom… it’s ridiculous. But anyone that knows me has seen me without makeup. Right? I go to the gym without makeup, to the bus stop, to the grocery store, my kids’ schools. I don’t go to date night, or a party without makeup. That would be crazy! But if everyone at the party was not wearing makeup, maybe I wouldn’t care next time. (Especially if there were plenty of couches.) So that’s what I was

Look! It's me without makeup! Hoping you'll pay attention to the dog instead. She's really cute and doesn't need makeup.

thinking when I was watching these women on Dr. Oz– who cares if you’re not wearing makeup if no one else is either! Would I be in my underwear if everyone else was? Sure!! (I’m not really sure about that…) I know what you’re saying- okay, Rebecca, would you want your chance to be in a live studio audience on national TV and not wear makeup??  And my answer is No. BUT, that’s because I want to feel special, not because I’m hiding behind something. That’s what make up is about. Like an accessory. I don’t sleep in my tiara. I bring it out for certain occasions. Like PTA meetings.

My point of all this relates a little to my Beef fat Botox post. I want to scream from the rooftops- CHILL OUT!! We are just fine as ourselves. We need to liberate the fresh-faced little girl in all of us. Even if we aren’t little girls anymore. And Dr. Oz’s point was that if we are always covering up our skin, how do we know what it needs. So take the skin quiz on his website-

http://www.doctoroz.com/videos/realage-skin-test

See how your skin rates. If you need help shopping for products, you know where to find me.

Maybe some of you reading this don’t wear makeup, maybe you aren’t comfortable in it. Maybe you could care less. Then I applaud the liberated fresh-faced girl that you are!

P.S.

Owen said the sweetest thing to me one day. “Mom, when you are in your pajamas and have no make up on, you look younger and thinner.”

Be still my heart.