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Gwyneth is a ‘common’ woman and Eva says never wear sweatpants or your husband will divorce you

Folks. I can’t help myself. When a celebrity opens their mung bean hole and says words that make me want to roll my eyes back to Christmas, I have to write about it. It’s what I do.

First, let me talk about Gwyneth. That’s GP if you didn’t know. She recently was talking about her Goop website. Goop must be her nickname for her initials GP. Because Goop sounds like a very unassuming website of maybe crafty supplies, like glue, and rubber cement.

But it’s not. It’s a ‘lifestyle’ website of things to buy, like alpaca chin hair place mats and pigmy goat dyed wool culottes; recipes on how to make huckleberry lip scrub and the latest on laser hair removal for your coochy.

It’s all very relatable. <coughnoit’snotcough>

It's only $1425. Mortgage? Or leather jacket? Courtesy of Goop.com

It’s only $1425. Mortgage? Or leather jacket? Courtesy of Goop.com

Gwyneth, oops, GP, sorry, forgot, has been under fire before. She has this condition we like to call foot in mouth. She places her Prada clad hoof in her quinoa gob a few times throughout the year. It’s like blogging fodder the blog gods just rain down on us. I don’t want to make fun of her. I don’t. I’m not here to ridicule or judge. No. I do that on wine night with my girlfriends. But I just HAD to address the idea that GP wants us to think she’s like the common woman every where. She is just like us. The same hopes and dreams. The same fears and pleasures.

GP- So relatable. Even with side boob.

GP- So relatable.
Even with side boob.

GP, if you want to feel like the common woman. Let me help you-

When you wake up in the morning, and you see a random dried up cat turd that rolled over from the laundry room where the cat box is to the top of the stairs- step over it. Highly achieving, exceptional women take a piece of toilet paper and pick up the cat turd. But no, folks like me, just yawn and take your Dearfoam slippered foot and just lightly tap it back towards the cat box where you will probably scoop it up later. And by later, I mean in a couple of days when you remember.

Start packing the kids’ lunches with regular white bread, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Even better, use cold cuts that probably have nitrates in them. Us common folk need to have our fill of nitrates and preservatives to carry on with our day.

Smack your Keurig machine a couple of times to get the thing to work. Or if you’re like some of us, remember that you were supposed to remember to buy pods the day before, but forgot. So dig out one of those pods from yesterday morning and reuse it. Don’t worry. It’s okay because you will probably get interrupted 50 million times before you get to drink your coffee and you’ll forget it in the microwave before you leave the house.

Oh, that reminds me! Check the microwave and just drink yesterday’s coffee and you don’t even need to worry about using the day old pod in the first place! Genius.

Being common is fun!

Now load up the kids in your 12 year old minivan with 160,000 miles on it and goldfish crackers stuck in the seat from 2007. Make sure your minivan has some dried milk in the cup holders, some juice stained on the floor rugs and has enough dirt and grime on its exterior since November. It rains here in Seattle. We only wash our cars once a year in July.

When you get to the bus stop and see the neighbors, name drop some cool names, like, you know, the principal of the middle school, the president of the homeowners association. Name dropping Jay Z and Beyonce is so last month’s Oscars.

So GP, how’s it going for being common? It’s only 9 am and there hasn’t been any time for yoga with Madonna or pasta making with Mario Batali. In fact, none of that will happen, because you’re going to need to run to the grocery store and get a frozen pizza for dinner since your boss needs you to stay late for meeting. And you might as well forget seeing your kid’s soccer practice because the commute home from the office will set you back an hour.

And then guess what? You get to do the whole thing again tomorrow! Yay! When it gets really tough and you feel like each day is the same as the one before. Don’t sweat it. Vacation is ahead. Not some villa you get to share with Elton John in Versailles. No. But a La Quinta Inn with your in laws. Fun!

Thanks GP. I hope you enjoyed that you could relate to being common and recognize how much we’re similar.

My next celebrity to school that opened her pie hole is Eva Mendez.

Now Eva. Eva Mendez thinks that the reason for Americans divorcing is that the wife wears sweatpants.

Excuse me, but I need to get my corset off the clothes line and starch my bloomers since apparently it’s 1890 again and someone is telling me how to dress to keep a man!

Eva, Eva, Eva.

Eva says look like this so your husband won't divorce you. Sweat pants are a gateway to divorce.

Eva says look like this so your husband won’t divorce you. Sweatpants are a gateway to divorce.

Let me tell you something sweetie. I know you just had a baby. And that’s awesome. And you’re with that hottie Ryan Gosling who has the photoshopped chest in the adorable movie, Crazy Stupid Love. BTW, I LOVE that movie! I bet you do too.

I thought you were awesome in Ghost Rider also. Your level of sexy mixed with brains was perfect next to Nicolas Cage’s devily skeletor motorcycle riding persona.

But telling women that we can’t wear sweatpants because our husbands will divorce us, is not cool. You know how much I would love to just run around and look cute 24/7 in pencil skirts, heels and little tight sweaters? I mean, because that is what hubs would dig, right? Or let’s just walk around in a satin negligee and a robe when I want to relax. It’s just that, hmmm, how do I say this? I WANT TO BE COMFORTABLE!

I own cute clothes. I do. I wear them from time to time. Usually out of the house. But my job as a SAHM, Stay At Home Mom, calls for me to be hanging around the house a lot. I walk the dog, scoop the cat box (sometimes, not always, see above), I fold laundry, do dishes, empty the recycle bins, sit around and blog….sweat pants, or yoga pants, allow me to sit comfortably, heave up a laundry basket, squat down to scoop the cat box, bend over to shove a frying pan in the cupboard. All those things that Betty Draper did while wearing a girdle and crinoline; but she had to. Lycra hadn’t been invented yet.

I can look cute, sure. I can make my husband’s jaw drop on date night, no problem. But if you think divorce is caused by wearing sweatpants, which implies you think that most of us have just let it all go and Costanza’d our way through life, then you will be sadly mistaken.

My parents have been married 56 years and my mom wears mom jeans, and my dad wears faded Wranglers from a time when Matlock still was making new episodes. To assume that the strength of their relationship has been related to their wardrobe is missing the value of their commitment, hardships, and dedication.

How about this- when you and Ryan are still married 10 years from now, I vow to not wear any yoga, sweat or lounge pants for an entire year. That will be a great way to celebrate my almost 30 years of marriage by then. How many years have you been married? Oh, that’s right. Zero.

This concludes Frugie’s portion of Putting Celebrities in their Place.

 

 

The deformity I didn’t even know I had

Ladies- you thought your muffin top was a problem, wait until you start obsessing over your banana roll.

Banana rolls are a thing by Frugie Blog

photo credit Vox Efx

What’s a banana roll? Well, contrary to what you might think it is not the latest Pinterest treat to enjoy with your pumpkin spiced latte.

Although that does sound tasty.

It is the latest body obsession that we can thank bodacious babes like Nicki Minaj, Kim Kardashian and Iggy Azalea for. In the year of the butt, which let’s face it folks, has been every year for me, (ahem) we not only want to power out our lunges but now we can surgically take our upper thigh fat and place it in our booties. Well, not ‘we’, but plastic surgeons can.

A banana roll is an ‘unsightly’ (gasp) roll of fat just under the butt cheek. Because butt cheeks are made of fat. Duh.

Let’s just sit on this for a sec. Big butts are in. That’s cool. I always have appreciated a Kardashian backside. I will watch Keeping up the Kardashians just so I can feel better about my proportionally larger posterior.

But(t) not only are big butts in, a certain kind of ass is in. A large, perfectly round ass that has no folds or flaws that sits atop skinny thighs. Because THAT’S realistic (sarcasm font). A lollipop of a butt on a skinny leg. If you tell me that all of this is obtained WITH a thigh gap, I might have to punch someone.

What’s a thigh gap? Never mind.

The problem with celebrity culture bringing out ‘trends’ in body type is people become obsessed with unreal objectives.  These objectives achieved with plastic surgery, in the form of liposuction, that could be dangerous or reverse itself over time, aren’t worth it. Y’all know that Nicki Minaj got butt implants right? That’s not even her real ass! So if you’re trying to undo your banana roll with just your normal non-bionic butt, you’re probably not going to get the results you want in the first place.

According to the UK’s Daily Mail, some surgery clinics have seen business triple when it comes to sucking banana rolls from women’s backsides.

Well, it’s comforting to know the ladies of London have just as much insecurity as the rest of us. Geezus.

What is wrong with a flat ass? There’s a whole continent of folks with flat asses.

Let’s all mourn for the poor thing that thinks her butt is ‘deformed’ that posted her question on realself.com. The picture she posts shows a perfectly formed booty in my opinion. Nothing deformed about it!

You’ve read my rantings about body image before.

I can only handle so much the media, celebrity culture, and superficial masses are dishing out.

You’re thinking, “Gee Frugie, why not just shut up about it, ignore it and go on with yourself?”

Aww, where would the fun in that be?

Folks. I will not be getting lipo for my banana roll. Sure, it’s a stubborn bump of fat that sits under my butt cheek. Guess what?
You know what else is under my butt cheek? Cottage cheese.

Not like the real cottage cheese, but the proverbial dotty clumpy cellulite cottage thigh cheese. Yes, so pretty, I know.

I have been doing lunges and squats like crazy lately. Not because I want some pop star booty, but because working my glutes is a major muscle group that burns calories and gets my heart rate up. Plus, it makes my legs strong if I have to squat over porta potties in an emergency. I got me some serious butt game, no surgery.

I like to think of my body as a buffet; from my chicken-wing arms, to the muffin top cupcake fold in the middle, the now-labeled banana roll and of course, cottage cheese thighs.

And guess what- it’s all delicious THANKYOUVERYMUCH.

 

 

My ridiculous and frivolous review of the Golden Globes that is completely unneccessary.

Let me just say that I told you so. Whatever I have said, the big money reviewers and writers will say the same thing. If you even bother to read them.

So I’ve had several vodka tonics,  I can’t be responsible for content:

What was with Madonna? Can she thaw just a little bit please? Since when is the Material Girl so freakin’ serious? When she went up to accept her award for best song for W/E, a movie which she also directed, she was stoic, silent and calculating in her words. I thought someone died. Or she was going to dedicate her award to something important. No, she was just pontificating in her fake British accent. How I wish she would lighten up. Or remove the stick up her ass.

Best line of the evening:

When Seth Rogan comes out with Kate Beckinsale and says, “I’m Seth Rogan, and I am hiding an enormous erection.” To the commencing of giggles from Kate Beckinsale and she couldn’t read the teleprompter. I will confess, James would probably concur. He wouldn’t say so though on TV for millions to hear.

Best presenting duo-

Tina Fey and Jane Lynch. Carry on…

Hottest presenting duo

Channing Tatum and Jessica Alba

Movies I haven’t seen, but need to-

The Artiste

The Descendants

  • Congrats to Octavia Spencer for winning for her portrayal in The Help. That movie was so many things. And I think she feels the same way too. Way to go and she had a wonderful quote from Dr. King in her speech.
  • Shame on NBC for putting a short leash on Ricky Gervais. What are you afraid of? He only says what we all think.

Favorite Anglophile Thespian:

Kate Winslet. Beautiful, poised, talented and always real.

Old fella still Rockin it:

Sydney Poitier. Damn he’s distinguished.

Older woman still Rockin it:

Helen Mirren (second favorite Anglophile Thespian)

  • I love me a video montage of an actor’s career. Morgan Freeman is a stud. From Electric Company to Invictus. God love him.

Skinniest woman that I want to hate but hey, if it’s her metabolism that makes her so thin after three children then okay:

Angelina Jolie

  • Kudos for Modern Family and Sofia Vergara’s acceptance speech.

Worst dress on a hot woman:

Jessica Biel decided to wear her wedding dress to Justin Timerlake with her Spanx briefs showing.

Actress who always acts like she’s not expecting it, but deserves it every year:

Meryl Streep

Actress who still does her Jazzercize DVD’s even though she’s like 90 years old:

Jane Fonda. Can’t deny that she’s still hot from the neck down.

  • okay so The Artiste won instead of Bridesmaids. Whatever. I guess it’s cinematic or something. Nothing beats Melissa McCarthy in the bridal shop. Period.
  • Apparently I have to see Shame. Michael Fassbender can play golf without a club according to George Clooney.
  • Dear Harrison Ford: Please remove your earring. You are not in college or in a garage band. Thanks.

I guess before the Oscars I will be seeing the Descendants. I think it’s going to win Best Picture. I said it here first.

Mahalo.

We’re all just crazy, fat Americans…that need bibles.

Oh, just pipe down! I’m not calling you fat. And not all Americans are fat. Yet.

But by judging the display at Barnes & Noble, the commercials on TV and the headlines on the health magazines for women AND men; we are all fat and in need of ‘sexy, slim thighs’, or ‘detoxing’, or getting the ‘skinny girl’s bible’. And don’t even get me started with all those damn resolutions people are making out there to lose weight or the ads that tell us we should. Yes, I posted about exercising my ass off recently. But I also explained the personal benefits to this besides fitting into my jeans. Snap.

Well if this is THE break up bible, forget the other books on the subject!

oh looky here- ANOTHER Bible

Let’s slow down. Okay, for starters there’s only one Bible.  Does everyone from Suzanne Somers to Christina Ferrera have to have their diet book with “bible” in the title?

Also, those ‘5 moves to sexier, skinnier thighs’ never work. Why? Because I only do them twice that week. And then I lose the magazine under a pile of laundry and start PMSing and don’t feel like working out.

And, while I’m on the subject- does Marie Osmond get Botox all over her face and IN her mouth as well? She does the ads for Nutrisystem and she looks weird. Her mouth doesn’t move. Well, it does. But like Guy Smiley on Sesame Street. Only the bottom half moves like a muppet. I like Marie. I don’t like her dolls though. I’m glad she’s skinny. I just wish her mouth moved like a human’s.

Guy Smiley from Sesame Street. Maybe he's had botox.

That looks TOTALLY natural.

Marie Osmond Doll. Probably has had botox.

Now Janet Jackson is doing Nutrisystem too. I thought with all her dancing she was skinny. Emma sees the commercial and says. “Mom, that’s creepy. Isn’t she Michael Jackson’s wife, but she looks just like him.”

Apparently, I need to teach Emma some Janet, (Miss Jackson to her) songs and stuff.

When I put a search in on the Barnes & Noble site for ‘celebrity diet books’, for some reason the Masturbate-athons and Wanks Weeks book came up. I’ll have to check that out later for my next blog post….

Back to Suzanne Somers. Only in America can Chrissy from Three’s Company publish a dozen books on how to stay sexy, cancer free, menopause free, and skinny after 40. If based on the number of books she’s published, she is the world’s most renowned expert on being sexy, fabulous, sugar free and thin forever. For sure.

Stop the presses- this is the end all of sexy recipe Bibles!

I can understand all the variety of diet books, cook books and self help books. We are the land of opportunity. To each his own. I mean, why not? There’s a million freakin’ bloggers out there. That’s great. Anyone can write a book. Maybe I will. I’ll call it, “The Blogging Bible”…

I admit, I am guilty of subscribing to half a dozen women’s health and beauty magazines. I think I have amnesia every time I open one. I get all excited for my new body in 30 days. The only time they work is if I’m reading them while on the elliptical.

It’s amusing to me and sometimes inspiring. I take them with a grain of salt. On the rim of my margarita glass.