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Rejoicing in normal

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Well folks. A lot has been happening. And I’ve been keeping it secret. Not because I wanted to not share with you, but because I didn’t want to get it ‘out there’ and then deal with it before I could deal with it. Make sense? No. Sorry.

This will explain things.

Last week I had a biopsy. My PAP a few weeks ago came back abnormal from my annual gyno visit. You know how I love those! And they used the term ‘glandular’ cells and said they needed to biopsy my cervix and my uterus to determine the reason. You know where my head went. Cancer.

I started to panic slightly. My heart beat faster, my gut churned, and I felt the need to go to the bathroom. I started to silently cry while driving in the car with Owen since my doctor called me on my cell phone and that’s where we were when I took the call.

I tried to play it cool and put on a poker face for him and Emma. I tried to talk myself into the fact that it’s just routine and lots and lots of women get abnormal PAP results and they don’t end up with cancer.

But let’s be honest. This is what was racing through my head- my mom is a uterine cancer survivor. You know that once there’s a history there’s a chance, right?

Also, the thought of a biopsy down in my tenders didn’t sound pleasant at all. It sounded downright scary. Frankly, I’m sick and tired of all things female down there. I’ve been to my gynecologist 5 times in the last 3 months. I’ve seen family members less than my doctor.

I had recently gotten the IUD a month ago. It’s going to help, we hope, with my ovary that is stuck to my uterus. They think it’s Endometriosis. So the tiny dose of Progesterone released from the IUD will suppress the Endometriosis and I will be pain free each month. Versus the opposite, which is spending my Aunt Flo time curled in a  ball with a hot pad.

Since the PAP was taken recently after the IUD insertion (which by the way was a little like getting a root canal without novacane, but more on that later) I was hoping that would be the explanation for the abnormal results.

So last week, I celebrated my birthday. Yay. And then the next day I went in for the test. Ew. I was so nervous. My mom knew and McSweetie knew. They were my support. I didn’t tell any girlfriends really, because life is crazy and what’s one more thing to worry about for them- right?

I did however reach out to some internet friends. Sometimes it’s easier typing a question to people you are used to seeing in your computer than sharing things with childhood friends. Sorry, it just is. ANYWAY…. so many of them had gone through the SAME THING!!

They too had LEEPS and ECCs and all came back fine.

Once I was able to feel like I wasn’t the only woman on the planet who had a wonky cervix and uterus, I started to feel better.

Hearing that they survived the procedures, some even saying it was no big deal in terms of pain or discomfort, put me at ease.

So off I went to my appointment. Nervous as hell and feeling like I wanted to run out of there. But I didn’t. I did it and lived through it like a champ. I also felt like I deserved a brand new pair of Leboutins or a Marc Jacobs purse, but I didn’t splurge. I did, however, get a soy green tea frappaccino with whipped cream.

And then I waited…. and waited… and waited.  A whole week. A whole week of faking it on the outside and freaking out on the inside.

Biopsies are a modern day mind fuck. There’s cancer all around me with friends and family and I’m sick and tired of it. I thought, could I be next?

When my phone rang yesterday, and it was the doctor on my caller ID, I said a quick prayer, more like, “Help me Jesus”. Funny, I was driving, again! All this carpooling kids’ activities this summer is ridiculous.

It was the nurse calling me, (good news, right? Doctors only call with bad news, right?) and I heard this, “Your lab results from the Endometrium and Cervical biopsies of the blah blah blah blah blah blah (seriously, it was like a Peanuts cartoon, I couldn’t comprehend her words, she was speaking clearly, but my mind was racing) have all come back, NORMAL.”

Cue tears of joy.

And then my stomach dropped again, my heart raced, and I felt light-headed from the relief. I played it cool and thanked the nurse. She said to be glad and know that we’ll just do another PAP next year and not to worry.

Praise Jesus!!

Seriously. I said a million thank yous to God and called McSweetie and my mom. They both were so relieved.

So what is the moral of this story?

Get your PAPs done. That’s first and foremost. And if you need any followup procedures- do it. AND, you are not alone.

Once I shared with other women what I’d been through, so many of them had been through the same thing. Sure it’s personal and private and doesn’t feel like something you want to go blabbing about. But we talk about pushing children down our canals, surely we can talk about gynecological health and early detection, right? The same way we talk about self breast exams, we can talk about cervical biopsies.

Really ladies, you’re not alone. Speculum fist bumps all around. Damn things- if I see another one before next year, I swear to ……

Okay, peace out- my normal cervix and uterus and I are going shoe shopping.