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Helena (nuttier than squirrel turds) Bonham Carter

I was in college when I saw the movie A Room with a View. It was my first experience with a Merchant Ivory production. I loved the periods, costume and set direction and scenery of their films. I would cry just at the sheer beauty. What a sap I was! Then throw in some Puccini opera on the soundtrack- I was in love (sniff, sniff).

1990 or 1890 - big poofy hair was in.

This was my first exposure to Helena, who played Lucy Honeychurch. I thought she was lovely. That big mess of curly, dark hair. I wanted to wear an Edwardian dress with a big hat and stroll on green lawns of English estates. I had some long skirts and button down shirts in my closet. My then roommate- Ginhee- made me purge my ‘prairie looks’ as she called them. She didn’t understand my Merchant Ivory penchant for fashion. Well, I don’t blame her. By the way,  Merchant Ivory is two people not one. Ismail Merchant and James Ivory produced and directed a bunch of films in the 90s that I was obsessed with that all had the same style of culture, art and repressed passion.

Now Miss Bonham Carter wasn’t always perfect. It was reported that she cheated on Emma’s (Thompson) then husband Kenneth Branagh while they filmed Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein. Shame on them!

Poor Emma. But now Helena is with Tim Burton and they make the perfect couple.  Cooky meets crazy!

A match made in creative crazy heaven.

I loved Helena in Harry Potter as Bellatrix LaStrange. How perfect for her. Bellatrix eats the same squirrel food as Helena because she’s nutty too!

Bellatrix- this girl definitely poops squirrel turds- dontcha think?

Of course, last year, Helena’s portrayal as the Queen mum in The King’s Speech was poignant, loving, and completely devoid of any craziness.

2011 Best Picture; The King's Speech with Colin Firth

Who else can do the red carpet like Helena? It would be disappointing if she showed up in a ‘regular’ couture look.

I wasn’t a fan of Sweeney Todd. (shh, don’t tell her that.)   But I loved her as the Red Queen in Alice in Wonderland. Nothing beats the line, “I love a warm pig for my aching feet.” And who remembers her stint on Miami Vice? Ha! Betcha you forgot that.

I love everything she does down to her mismatched shoes. I probably wouldn’t let her babysit my kids, but I would love to do tequila shots with her and Tim. How fun would THAT be? Johnny Depp could show up too.

She has been nominated for an Academy Award twice. Maybe one day she’ll win. Or maybe not. I doubt she cares.

Thanks for keeping it real Helena.

Last year's Golden Globes and the mismatched shoes. Hey- they were the same brand, just one of each color.

Dear Readers, There’s an obsession I’ve been keeping from you.

I LOVE awards shows. I know! God forbid you have to watch those boring award shows that go on for hours. Most of you would rather have bamboo shoved up under your fingernails.

I guess it’s not a secret that I like movies. I’m not one of those Indie film buffs that scoffs at the Academy Awards. Far from it. I ADORE the Oscars. It’s a love affair that started when I was 8 years old. I watched the Academy honor Chariots of Fire with the best picture award instead of Raiders of the Lost Ark. English men running in slow motion to Vangelis is not as exciting to a 3rd grader as Indiana Jones running away from a giant paper mache ball. But anyway, it didn’t change my feelings for the Academy. I don’t hold a grudge.

Instead, ever since that night that dazzled me watching all those movie stars, I loyally perched myself on my couch for the 4  hour marathon each year, to see which cinematic legacy would be awarded. Unlike that first year I watched where Ark lost to Fire, I have agreed mostly with the Academy’s decisions. Hurt Locker vs. Avatar; The Kings Speech vs. Black Swan (thank God)…However, I didn’t like Unforgiven winning over Howard’s End. I have a love affair with Emma Thompson, okay? At least she won best actress that year. And The Departed beating The Queen or Little Miss Sunshine? Oh well. I realize Martin Scorsese is awesome, so I will let it go.

Oh Emma how I love thee. Could it be coincidence my first born is named after you?

One day I will attend the Oscars. I always dreamed I would go as a nominee. Yeah, that ship has sailed. Unless they come up with an honorary nominee of lifetime achievement watching movies from a couch, I’m not qualified.

But I still put it out there in the universe that I will attend the Oscars. I will see movie greatness in person. By then studios will be greedy corrupt conglomerates and there will be like 20 best picture nominees. Oh wait… we’re almost to that point. What is up with 10 nominees for best picture?

Still, I probably won’t be wearing the Bob Mackie dress I envisioned myself in when I was 13. Yes, it had more fabric than Cher’s getup. Maybe Valentino, Zac Posen, Dolce & Gabbana. Oh wait- I don’t have the body for safety pins up the side D&G style.

Ohh, you go gurrll!!

Or maybe it will be from Nordstrom Rack like my Grammy dress. Either way, I will go and I will probably tinkle in my SPANX yet again.

Let’s hope I go before I’m 80. It would be so nice to be able to wear SPANX instead of Depends. Well, that could be sooner than 80…

This year, I will be wearing Lululemon Haute Couture and eating quinoa cakes with almond milk, while  sipping oolong tea. Emma and I might go wild and have a Rice Dream frozen sandwich and some homemade popcorn sprinkled with nutritional yeast. It will be so much fun.

And in case you are wondering. I will never host an Oscar party. I can’t possibly enjoy my show while trying to see to everyone’s drinks and hors  dourves and shushing everyone. That’s not fun.

Until I’m there at the Kodak Theater, or wherever they will be in 2030, I will watch comfortably on my couch.

If anyone knows any producers of the show, boom operators on the red carpet, spray tan facilitators for Ryan Seacrest, or towel holders in the ladies’ restroom- I’m happy to be hooked up. Hey- putting it out in the universe is the first step Oprah would say.

I will be blogging incessantly about the Oscars until Monday. Next will be about  my love affair with Meryl Streep. My devotion to Helena Bonham Carter and how she’s nuttier than squirrel turds, but how I love her anyway. And also, how Glenn Close really deserves one of those gold statues sometime soon.

Yes, you cheated on Emma with Kenneth, but you are the craziest cat and I love you for it.

How has she not won yet?

I love Billy Crystal, but I’m a Hugh Jackman fan, so I would really appreciate it if they brought him back. Leave Anne Hathaway to her movies though and James Franco to his writing and art. Thank you.

My ridiculous and frivolous review of the Golden Globes that is completely unneccessary.

Let me just say that I told you so. Whatever I have said, the big money reviewers and writers will say the same thing. If you even bother to read them.

So I’ve had several vodka tonics,  I can’t be responsible for content:

What was with Madonna? Can she thaw just a little bit please? Since when is the Material Girl so freakin’ serious? When she went up to accept her award for best song for W/E, a movie which she also directed, she was stoic, silent and calculating in her words. I thought someone died. Or she was going to dedicate her award to something important. No, she was just pontificating in her fake British accent. How I wish she would lighten up. Or remove the stick up her ass.

Best line of the evening:

When Seth Rogan comes out with Kate Beckinsale and says, “I’m Seth Rogan, and I am hiding an enormous erection.” To the commencing of giggles from Kate Beckinsale and she couldn’t read the teleprompter. I will confess, James would probably concur. He wouldn’t say so though on TV for millions to hear.

Best presenting duo-

Tina Fey and Jane Lynch. Carry on…

Hottest presenting duo

Channing Tatum and Jessica Alba

Movies I haven’t seen, but need to-

The Artiste

The Descendants

  • Congrats to Octavia Spencer for winning for her portrayal in The Help. That movie was so many things. And I think she feels the same way too. Way to go and she had a wonderful quote from Dr. King in her speech.
  • Shame on NBC for putting a short leash on Ricky Gervais. What are you afraid of? He only says what we all think.

Favorite Anglophile Thespian:

Kate Winslet. Beautiful, poised, talented and always real.

Old fella still Rockin it:

Sydney Poitier. Damn he’s distinguished.

Older woman still Rockin it:

Helen Mirren (second favorite Anglophile Thespian)

  • I love me a video montage of an actor’s career. Morgan Freeman is a stud. From Electric Company to Invictus. God love him.

Skinniest woman that I want to hate but hey, if it’s her metabolism that makes her so thin after three children then okay:

Angelina Jolie

  • Kudos for Modern Family and Sofia Vergara’s acceptance speech.

Worst dress on a hot woman:

Jessica Biel decided to wear her wedding dress to Justin Timerlake with her Spanx briefs showing.

Actress who always acts like she’s not expecting it, but deserves it every year:

Meryl Streep

Actress who still does her Jazzercize DVD’s even though she’s like 90 years old:

Jane Fonda. Can’t deny that she’s still hot from the neck down.

  • okay so The Artiste won instead of Bridesmaids. Whatever. I guess it’s cinematic or something. Nothing beats Melissa McCarthy in the bridal shop. Period.
  • Apparently I have to see Shame. Michael Fassbender can play golf without a club according to George Clooney.
  • Dear Harrison Ford: Please remove your earring. You are not in college or in a garage band. Thanks.

I guess before the Oscars I will be seeing the Descendants. I think it’s going to win Best Picture. I said it here first.

Mahalo.