Hit list- Yoga pant wearing over-achieving Pinterest moms on crack. Or maybe just on too many skinny lattes.
Assassin- Jen of People I Want to Punch in the Throat
Mission- To sell as many books as possible that kick ultimate suburban ass
You may or may not have guessed over the last year, I’ve had a little bit of a girl crush on my friend and mentor, Jen who writes the acerbic and gutsy blog, People I Want to Punch in the Throat. Having self published 3 books in the last 18 months, this is her Random House debut, and honestly, I sure as hell hope it’s her debut on the New York Time’s Best Seller’s List.
Her book, “People I Want to Punch in the Throat; Competitive Crafters, Drop-off Despots, and Other Suburban Scourges” hits shelves this week.
In it, she chronicles her match-made-in-AOL-heaven romance with her tight-wad, somewhat stingy (sorry Ebenezer) husband, her journey into motherhood that leads to play dates, PTA meetings and themed birthday parties, among other things.
If you’ve ever wanted to flip off that one car at school drop-off, you know there’s always THAT parent, the one that thinks the rules don’t apply to them; then you will love this book. Jen will have you laughing out loud at her observations and keen wit, between her pajama attired self at pick up, to her undying love and loyalty to her cleaning lady. Then there’s the chapters that your jaw will drop from the sheer audacity of some of these suburban ‘scourges’ she describes!
I was able to interview Jen for this book review. Don’t worry, I didn’t ask her what kind of tree she would be. But in the case of great interviews, kind of like, but totally different than let’s say, Frost/Nixon, I end with the all time question of ‘Shag, Marry or Kill”.
It’s always fun to get a little back story about the author. So here goes.
Me: “So Jen, Did you ever find your ring bearer’s pillow? Was it among the sex toys?” (What the heck? Hmm… read the book to find out more!)
Jen: “No! That poor, stupid pillow. It’s never turned up. I even moved from that house and I was sure we’d find it on the top shelf of the pantry or some place random like that, but nope. Now I think it got thrown out the day I received it. It was very small and light and I think it got tossed out in a bag of wrapping paper and tissue. So sad!”
Me: “What should I do if I’m too scared to hire a cleaning lady because my house is so dirty and cluttered? My baseboards are filthy and I think the dust bunnies are breeding.”
Jen: “This is why it’s so important to get a cleaning lady who you trust. She’s going to see what you shove under your bed and she’s going to know what a pig you are. It sounds like you’ll probably need to do a bit of sweep with a high powered vacuum before you bring in someone. Bring her in the day after you’ve dusted and tell her it’s been months since you last did anything. She’ll still think you’re a hot mess, but she won’t know the truth. Then, once you find someone you love, keep her happy. Shower her with praise and gifts. Let her know how important she is to you. Romance her a bit. Good luck!”
Me: “That’s excellent advice Jen. I’ll get to cleaning and then interviewing. Hopefully I find one that has an understanding of my obsession with beauty products that cover every inch of my bathroom.”
Me: “What do you have against the cereal Krave? I buy that by 3 boxes at a time.”
Jen: “Because I’ve never tasted it, I guess I have nothing against it. However, between the name, the design on the box, and the commercials, I’m assuming it’s cereal laced with heroin and crack. You might think I have no standards when it comes to feeding my kids, but every now and again I surprise even myself and say “No.””
Me: “You might be right about the crack part. You mean, ‘krack’.
Speaking of hanging out eating cereal all day. Have you ever considered Pajama Jeans? They’re really practical in lounging all day and not actually looking like pajamas. Eh hem.”
Jen: “My daughter tried to buy me a pair last year for Christmas. She thought they would solve all of my problems with one stretchy pair of pants. They seemed a little fancy for me. I’m not sure I can pull them off.”
Me: “Would you rather go to a Pinterest themed cat’s wedding or dog’s funeral? ”
Jen: “Wow, this one is tough. I’m going to go with cat wedding. I may not like dogs a whole lot, but a funeral is still sad. I’d rather enjoy the joining of two cats in holy matrimony. Plus, I’m hoping that one would have an open bar and a karaoke machine at the reception.”
Me: “Karaoke! We could sing a duet to Wicked! You have an alter ego as a realtor. Will you ever write a realtor’s Tell-All?”
Jen: “Oh, I don’t think I can. I think I’ve signed something legal-like that says I can’t dish on my clients. I could talk about my co-worker’s clients though. They’ve got better stories than me any way.”
Me: “Are you sure? That swingers party was some good dish! I think you should consider it. Speaking of swingers, do you have any piercings or tattoos?”
Jen: “No and after visiting a water park last summer, I’ve decided that I’m the only person in America without any piercings or tattoos.”
Me: “You can count me in on the no tattoos/piercings club too. What would you do if Adolpha came home with a face tattoo?”
Jen: “Cry and then give her a paper sack to wear over her head for the rest of her life.”
Me: “There’s really good concealer these days at Sephora. She could upgrade from a paper sack if she needed to.
Okay. Now for the grand finale. My favorite game of—–
Marry, Shag or Kill- Your choices are- Tom Hilddleston, Benedict Cumberbatch, Jon Stewart. Now go!”
Jen: “This is easily the hardest question for me. You’re really killing me. I adore all of these guys. OK, here we go:
Shag: Tom Hilddleston and then join a polygamist compound and marry BOTH Benny and Jonny.”
Me: “Way to take the easy way out! Although, I’m probably in the same boat with you.”
Thanks Jen for playing along with my interview. And congratulations on a hilariously funny and revealing book!
Find “People I Want to Punch in the Throat; Competitive Crafters, Drop-off Despots, and Other Suburban Scourges” everywhere; Barnes & Noble, Amazon, iTunes and independent book stores.
I gave this book my 5-star Amazon and Goodreads review. Go read it for yourself!