I’m saying Merry Christmas because I celebrate Christmas. But if you celebrate something else, I am still wishing you a merry time. Peace and love folks, right?
There’s so much reflection this time of year. We have holiday cards with beautiful family photos, Christmas letters (or blogs if you will), Facebook even likes to take us through the highlights of the year through pictures and posts.
Is it the lights on the tree? The candles flickering on my tabletop? The sappy Hallmark movie on TV? What is it that makes me cry with intense gratitude this time of year? The beauty of everything is decked with sparkle and lights, red pops of color and greenery. Spring is gorgeous too, but it doesn’t get this much attention!
However, this time of year can be somewhat ugly. It can fill us with resentment. Despair. Feelings of inadequacy. We can’t always give our kids what they want. Maybe our house doesn’t look like anything on Pinterest. Or you didn’t get the wreath up and the lights have been up all year to the chagrin of the neighbors.
Money is tight. End of year expenses come up. Kids are sick. Water heaters go out. Ugh.
My mom always took the time to show me that it’s truly the small things this time of year that matter the most. The big things, like hope, love and family, are of course front and center. But you truly have to look for the little things to make Christmas come to your heart.
I like to light candles, have a Christmas cookie with my tea, heck, have a cup of tea sitting by the tree, whenever I can, to remind me, Christmas is here. Enjoy it.
But sometimes we yell back at that inner voice, “I’M TRYING ASSHOLE BUT I DON’T FEEL LIKE IT!”
This year was such a mixed bag. I’ve never had to deal before with a sick kid. Emma’s chronic pain and endometriosis issues have been a struggle since March. Even since her surgery in June, (you can read about that here) she hasn’t been 100%. Every day she is in pain to a varying degree. She misses a lot of school. We’ve had two trips to the Emergency Room because of intense pain. The kind that registers a 10 on the pain scale when the nurses ask you.
I’ve gone around and around with specialists, psychologists, counselors, teachers, well meaning family members, who all want to help, but don’t seem to have the magic answer.
What’s hard for Emma is that she’s learning there is no magic answer, and that’s a bitter pill to swallow. Sentencing a 14 year old to a future of chronic pain just because she happens to be female, doesn’t make sense to someone who just wants to sing at her school choir concert. Who would like to party with her friends at Homecoming instead of leaving half way through because of the misery she’s in. To do an after school activity or her passion- trapeze- again without being in agony.
That’s been our year. And here it’s Christmas time and she’s been too miserable to see Santa. Yes, I know she’s 14. But we still do the Santa thing. I told her and her brother they will be doing Santa for me until they are married with kids of their own.
She wants to do ALL THE THINGS. But she can’t. And sometimes she’s okay with it and sometimes she cries in her pillow.
Here’s the part that makes me feel like a butthead for complaining. We had an AWESOME year of experiences. Like meeting President Obama, going to the Emmys, going to Disneyland, even Emma meeting her favorite YouTubers was a huge highlight of our year.
I guess it just always proves that life is as much a bowl of cherries as it is a bag of dicks.
So I hope that even when the shitter’s full, you can have peace in your heart. This post sure went sideways didn’t it?!
Merry ________________ (Christmas) to all! And here’s to 2015 being more awesome than sucky.