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50 Shades of Unrealistic Foreplay and (S)Expectations.

***SPOILER ALERTS****

Not that it matters. This book is not necessarily some M. Night Shyamalan movie that will be all messed up if you find out what happens at the end before you actually finish the book. Not to say the ending is anything special. AND, I think it’s safe to say, everyone pretty much knows what’s going on in these pages.

Here’s the 101-

50 Shades of Grey– smut/soft porn/ romance novel. I think what’s crazy about this book is how popular and main stream it is. Judy Blume and other authors have written some crazy sex shit in their novels too, and no one talks about it. This however, is all the buzz.

You saw my Music Video last week. You know I read the book and was obviously ‘distracted’ by it.

But let me break down to you where I call some serious ‘bull shit’ out to Ms. E.L. James and her big tease she calls a novel. This is not to say I didn’t enjoy the book. Which I did. Very much so. And after all you folks telling me you bought the book after seeing my video- Ms. James should thank me. I like Sephora gift cards- thankyouverymuch.

The author is married and has kids- so she obviously knows what ‘married’ sex is like. This book is after all, fantasy. And fantasy, means, we separate ourselves from reality. And yes, the characters in the book are not married. They hardly know each other. So the reality being that my husband will never play piano with his shirt off and send me texts and emails that are so witty and bantering, or tell me to eat my breakfast because he’s worried about me. HA HA! No sir-eee! One thing my husband has never had to tell me was, ‘to eat’!  I’m pretty good at doing that on my own. Nor will he buy me an Audi sports car and fill my closet with brand new clothes.

BAM- THIS is the fantasy ladies- A CLOSET FULL OF CLOTHES THAT FIT YOU PERFECTLY!!! Of all things in this book, this was my favorite. Does this Ana bitch know how lucky she is??? Oh my gosh- to never go in a dressing room with hideous florescent lights?? Heaven on earth!

Some points I would like to make as well-This is where some points of the book cause me to roll my eyes. And yes, if Mr. Grey caught me rolling my eyes, I’d get a spanking in the Red Room of Pain. Speaking of, I would not survive the ‘can’t roll my eyes’ clause thingy. Just get me a mini fridge and a futon in the Red Room of Pain, cuz I’ll be living there with my sarcasm.

When in the hell does Anastasia pee after sex??? All that massive thrusting and you know what– makes for a serious UTI. That’s Urinary Tract Infection, for those that don’t know the speak.

All I could think of was, ‘this girl better go pee here before she falls asleep or she’s going to have a raging bladder issue in the next 24 hours’.  And, you don’t automatically eliminate the risk of getting pregnant after taking your birth control pills for just 3 days for the first time ever in your life. PUHLEEZE!!

Then- the courtship of witty exchange, nuzzling with his hands in her hair, smelling her skin…. blah, blah, blah…. SERIOUSLY??

Unless you are on some tropical getaway with your husband to some remote island and you haven’t done it in ages so you’re ripping each other’s clothes off in your villa- it’s more like, ‘hey- do you need lube, watch my hair, your elbow is on it. Could you get me a pillow- my neck is cricked and oh, move the dog, she’s like, right next to me. Why is it so cold in here? Can you just make this quick, I’m not even taking off my t-shirt’.

You get the idea.

My husband is so preoccupied when he walks in the door. He doesn’t drop his laptop bag, throw down his Crackberry, grab me by the waist and pull my hair back to bring my mouth up to his and plant a deep kiss on me. If he did, I’d probably gripe about his scruff scratching my lip, tell him he shouldn’t leave his laptop bag there since one of the kids will trip on it, and ask where his commuter coffee mug is so I don’t forget to put it in the dishwasher overnight, and did he bring the sour cream I need for dinner that I texted him earlier about.

The character, Anastasia, tries to be all upstanding in her principles. Yadda, yadda, yadda. We get it. She can’t be a total floozy or we’d lose interest. There needs to be tension between the two characters. He wants to shower her with fancy things- she wants to make it on her own. Okay fine.

But seriously- I wanted to give her a head thump on the forehead through the book. Are you insane??? Take the guy’s offer!

Clothes that fit, a car that you will never have to take to Jiffy Lube for a tune up and wonder if you should go for the transmission flush AND the new air filter or not, since you are still paying for the new tires you had to put on back in January.

Clothes. I keep coming back to this, I know. Maybe it’s because I have dreams where I go in my closet and there are clothes I’ve never seen before with tags on. It seriously is the best dream ever. They are beautiful clothes that fit me and I don’t remember having to pay for them. I’ve had this dream since 7th grade. It just changes from stirrup pants of the 80s to pencil skirts and Manolo Blahniks of the present.

If my husband bothered to tie me up during sex, I’m pretty sure  both of us would fall asleep before we were finished. Leaving me still in the bonds. Which when I finally did wake up, he wouldn’t unstrap me and give me a massage on my shoulders like Christian does, I’d have to nudge him in the head to free me, which I’m sure he would (maybe). My hand will have fallen asleep so I’ll be walking around the room, waving it like a lunatic to regain blood flow, then stub my toe on the laundry basket over by the dresser that I can’t see in the dark. Then he’d roll over and steal the covers and double check that his alarm clock is set for the morning, while I remind him of the fact that tomorrow he needs to take the boy to Cub Scouts,  bring home cat litter and call his mother.

Christian in the book, doesn’t let Ana, touch him, but he does all kinds of ‘things’ i.e. caresses, spankings, massaging… to her. Okay, fine with me. Let HIM do all the work. Do any of you ladies know what the ‘race track’ is? It’s the figure 8 pattern your husband sleepily draws on your back when you’ve asked for a back rub and he lays there half asleep with one hand pitifully ‘massaging’ you.

Oh, and I almost forgot. Hired help to make breakfast. Another deal sealer in my book. Not having to do breakfast dishes, make the coffee and wonder if I remembered the milk… priceless.

This is some serious porn in my book.

So don’t get the wrong idea. Like, I said, this is fantasy. We want to escape when we read novels. And yes, I did, for the most part. But I guess I’m so firmly entrenched in my way of living, that all I could think of was the minutia of details. I’m thinking Christian puts his socks in the hamper. What do you think?

That's more like it.

Dear Weight Watchers, I would like to lose my post-partum baby weight too.

I heard that Jessica Simpson has already penned a deal with Weight Watchers to lose her post-partum weight. That is fantastic! So many folks and bloggers are discussing how this could be negative to other expecting mothers and what message this sends. I’m sorry. What message does it send? Uhm, women like to lose weight after having a baby? Yeah, that message. Oh, maybe the message is ‘it’s not fair some women get paid to lose their baby weight?’ Yeah, that’s the message I get.

I put on 40+ pounds with each kid. I have two kids. I say ‘+’ because I don’t remember the final number when they weighed me before delivery. Considering with both pregnancies I put on 5 pounds of water in 24 hours due to high blood pressure right before I delivered. Do you know what happens to midsection flesh that’s given 5 pounds of water within a few hours? STRETCHMARKS. On my ankles. And my ass. Just like when your milk comes in overnight to what were size 32AA boobs. STRETCHMARKS. The skin was so thin on my chest I could actually see my heart beating through my rib cage. Okay, not really. I like to exaggerate a smidge.

This is not me. I didn't take a picture of my stretch marks. But clearly, this is exactly the reason I was not asked to pose on the cover of Elle naked and pregnant. The only reason, I'm sure.

Back to Jessica- I would LOVE to be paid to lose some baby weight. I’m 9 years post partum and I think I’m a perfect candidate to be Weight Watcher’s spokesperson. I have yet to lose those last stubborn 10 pounds. The first 30 pounds were easy. Have you heard of breast feeding? IT BURNS CALORIES! Yes, folks. Mothers all know this little gem of the first 6 weeks of  post partum. You are burning calories like Michael Phelps training for the Beijing Olympics. If you breast feed an Owen, like I did, you will be nursing every 45 minutes and sweating during a June heat wave. I lost 6 pounds a day in liquid. I swear.

When you’re pregnant with a girl, like Jessica is, you gain weight like an inner tube. With a boy, you carry like a beach ball. I looked like I swallowed a Boppy when I was pregnant with Emma. When your blood pressure spikes, like mine did, your face puffs up like Lindsay Lohan after her Dysport injections. Your feet don’t even fit in your husband’s shoes. It’s sad. But, that’s what breast feeding is for. Or at least those first 6 weeks when the uterus likes to contract back to it’s original size. OH, wait? You mean, you don’t remember reading that in any pregnancy books? It was the very fine print that came with an asterisk, I’m sure. Yeah, bleeding nipples, maxi pads the size of Smart Cars and cramps. Mother fucking cramps like a period you never dreamed of.  At least that’s what happened to me.

A Boppy pillow. Also known as my waist.

It’s not fair that celebrities get stuff for free, stuff paid for, multi-million dollar endorsement deals to pay for their trainers and nutritionists. Don’t you think she would lose the weight anyway? She doesn’t need a contract to encourage her. Am I jealous that she gets to eat whatever the hell she wants and knows that after the baby is born she will be making serious cash and eating watercress from her treadmill not thinking about deprivation because she will be so flippin rich? Yes. I am.

Why you would wear this, pregnant or not, I don't know. But if Weight Watchers wants me to- I will.

So, like I said; Dear Weight Watchers, please give me a multi-million dollar endorsement deal to lose my last 10 pounds of baby weight. Apparently, I didn’t have enough incentive all these years.  I wish Jessica the best with her new baby girl Maxipad Maxi, but I deserve the money and the incentive more. I’m almost 40, my kids need to go to college and my husband and I need a retirement fund. I can represent ‘real moms’ everywhere, not just celebrity moms that get shit done for them anyway. It would be a miracle to have what 80% of the women in my age and demographic have called, ‘the last 10 pounds’ to be gone for good.

Thank you.

Sincerely,

Frugalista

Jessica Simpson to sign with Weight Watchers to lose her baby weight.

 

My own acceptance speech in perfect timing for this weekend.

I love awards and I love it when fellow bloggers of the WordPress community bestow awards on each other. It feels like in school when you get a candy gram or a special certificate from the principal. Once in high school I got the Perfect Attendance award as a Sophomore. I was even clueless enough to be at the pep assembly they were giving out the certificates of other achievements to accept my certificate in person. I didn’t realize what street cred this award would give me. How can anyone be so geeky as to get perfect attendance? Honestly, I just kept going to school each day because I was terrified of all the work I had to do if I missed any class. Second, it was one of the few years I didn’t come down with strep throat. Third, it all went downhill from there because my Junior and Senior years were spent heavily involved in thespians and forensics (that’s theater and speech and debate for you non vocab proficient people like myself) and we got to miss school a lot traveling to competitions.

So on to the awards:

The From Life Idle to Life Fantastic blogger gave me these awards- ALL FOUR- Holla bitches! (okay, that wasn’t necessary, I’m sorry.)

She is a sweet blogger who, despite her life being very different than mine; translation- I don’t think she drives a minivan or wears pajama jeans, but I could be wrong, she is a mom after all- she is supportive and witty and doesn’t even use swear words.

Qualifications of the awards are to accept, make a speech (see above boring diatribe of perfect attendance, the music would definitely have cut me off at the Oscars if I were to say all that), acknowledge blogger that gave you award and then answer questions about yourself. Pass on the award to 10 blogs you enjoy.

The Sunshine, Candle Lighter, and Liebster Awards State the following:

  • Act like a God among bloggers (write a post)
  • Give your Acceptance and Thank you speech  for the one whom blessed you with the honor. (See above)
  • Give the cream of your crop the award as well
  • Post awards on your blog if accepted

The Sparkly Ten Commandments are:

  • Give Thanks
  • Answer Ten Questions with Honesty
  • Pass it on to Ten Other Bloggers

I used to pretend Barbara Walters was interviewing me for her Post Oscar special. I would sit in my bathroom and practice, trying to get all choked up and cry for her like the other celebrities do. It was hard, because my life was so dang peachy. I didn’t have any good stories about sleeping on a bare mattress on the floor of our mobile home for years before my stardom, or how my blind mother drove me to auditions. I realize that is not only completely false but utterly preposterous. My mom is not blind!

So here goes: I will try to cry or get choked up at least once.

  1. Describe yourself in seven words:
    Fun, Beautiful, Charming, Organized, Brilliant…. wait… what? OH…. be HONEST… okay fine…. goofy, sensitive, volatile, picky, sloppy, devoted, empathetic.
  2. What keeps you up at night?
    Sometimes the neighbor’s dog. But mostly, I sleep through the night these days since the kids are old enough. I can tend to wallow in crazy obsessions from my over active imagination where I’ve concocted images of my kids in peril. Then my blood starts to run cold and I think of fuzzy kittens and rainbows and try to get myself to sleep counting unicorns….
  3. Whom would you like to be?
    Helen Mirren- I want to be British, saucy, and get away with anything.
  4.  What are you wearing now? My mom uniform- jeans and a thermal tea with socks, slippers and a sweater. I basically look like I walked off the pages of Cosmo, I know.
  5. What scares you?  Cancer scares the crap out of me.
  6. What are the best and worst things about blogging?
    I love that I can pretty much say what I want and most people get it. It beats a journal for sure. I hate the possibility of trolls coming around to spoil the party. I also dislike when my husband rolls his eyes at some of my posts. But I guess you can’t blame him.
  7. What was the last website you looked at?
    Facebook. duh.
  8. If you could change one thing about yourself what would it be?
    To be better at cleaning my house. And Angry Birds. I suck at it. I can only make it past the first level on like 6 tries. It’s pathetic.
  9. Slankets, yes or no? If by Slanket you mean Snuggie, then yes. Guilty.
  10. Tell us something about the person who nominated you.
    She didn’t know what a Slanket was and thought a Slanket was a slinky mixed with a blanket. Which is better than what I invented called a fornikanket which is a blanket for two while they fornicate. You know, for those chilly nights.

Now for the 10 blogs I would like to forward these awards on to and hope you check them out. They are funny, sweet or downright blunt and in-your-face fantastic, and some have few followers since they are so new, so I want you to go visit them and check them out.

The Teacher’s Pen

Barking in the Dark

Lady Goo Goo Gaga

The Sticky Egg

If I Were Brave

Raising my Rainbow

Piperism

Kvetch Mom

She’s a Maineiac

Motherhood WTF?

So to these 10 that I have awarded these blogging awards- follow through with the rules and be sure to acknowledge me in your acceptance speech. Cuz I’m a needy whore that needs to be fed with affirmation.

Enjoy!