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A guide to married sex in your 40s

Twenty somethings- listen up. Twenty years from now, sex is going to be really different. Especially if you get married and have kids. I don’t know what single person forty something sex is like. You’ll have to ask someone else.

But almost middle aged sex (forties count as middle aged right?), is really different. Some might say lazy and infrequent. I say, simplified and comfortable.

First there’s foreplay. There are two kinds of foreplay. The Race Track and the Camp Fire Starter.

The Race Track is when you’re laying on your side away from your husband. You ask for a back rub. He reaches out one arm and traces what feels like a figure eight. He continues with this pattern for about 10 times and then says, “there, how’s that?”

Wow. That’s, uhm, excellent. I feel SO relaxed. It was just like the spa.

The Camp Fire Starter is when you’ve both gotten in bed on each prospective side. I call this, the safe zone. I lie on my side, he lies on his. He decides to explore the slight possibility, we’re talking slim here, that I might be ‘interested’. He ventures out of the safe zone and daringly puts his hand on my pajama covered knee and rubs back and forth. It’s a random kind of thoughtless motion. Nervous back and forth, back and forth. The friction starts to cause heat and sometimes sparks fly. Not those romantic sparks. But actual static electricity emitted from the flannel.

I then joke, “are you trying to start a S’mores cookout here, or would you like to get busy?”

Next. Lube.

I don’t know what else to say but you will need it. Peri menopause makes your lady box like a beach. A sandy and dry beach. Even when you think you might be raring and ready to go. It’s a dehydrated box of fruit leather.

Now let’s move on to position.

Not positionS plural, no. Position. There’s really only one. I like to call it the side by side. It’s a way I figured out how for both of us to be on the bottom.

Sad, huh?

He’ll say, “Dontcha want to get on top?”

I’ll say, “Uhm not really. How about you?”

Him, “I’m kind of tired. It’s good, you go.”

Me, “I think it feels better with you on top. You get up.”

Him, “I’ll lay here and you turn to the side.”

Me, “Oh, this is genius. We can BOTH lay down and do it!”

There’s an actual part of me, the part that is from the neck down, that wants to just have sleep sex. I think it would be awesome if we could just have intercourse with our minds. I’m sure some evolved person like Sting, or Gwyneth Paltrow has come up with a way to do this.

It would be the perfect lazy person sex. Mind sex. Didn’t the movie Judge Dredd with Sandra Bullock have them do that? Or am I getting my 80’s pre-Speed era movies confused?

So let’s review-

Race track and Camp Fire are the two kinds of foreplay.

Lube is necessary because your lady business is like a food dehydrator.

One position is all you need. The side by side.

And there is your Guide to Married Sex in your 40s. Don’t get too excited now.

Oh, and after you’ve copulated and are enjoying a cigarette, be sure to read your copy of I JUST WANT TO BE ALONE.

What? You didn’t expect me not to plug the book did you?

 

 

Buy the book and I will show my pasties. I mean pastries.

It’s come to this. Bribery. Yep. Or mutual favors. Either one, you be the judge.

Like Mama Morton says in the musical Chicago,

“They say that life is tit for tat
And that’s the way I live
So, I deserve a lot of tat
For what I’ve got to give”

So yeah. Reciprocity.

Buy. The. Book.

You heard me. Did I whisper? No.

BUY THE BOOK!

Here’s why. We are working our balls off to get on the New York Times Best Seller List. It’s a big flippin’ deal.

Self-published works just don’t get there. So we want to sell a bajillion more copies than Danielle Steel or that smutty E.L. Whatsherface James.  Because we’re super lady writers.

It’s a bit like the little engine that could. Or David and Goliath. Or when Laura beat Nellie Olsen in that horse race in Walnut Grove. I’m not really sure where I’m going with this, but the point is to buy the book. How about several and give them as gifts. And then spread the word for everyone to buy the book.

What’s in it for you? Geeze people. It’s like you’re never satisfied. Not only do I give you a truly juicy book of stories, but I guess I need to sweeten the deal. Huh?

Fine.

If we get to the New York Times best seller list:

I, Frugalista Blog, will create a video of myself ordering in my local Starbucks Drive Thru while topless.

You heard (read) me. Topless.

Okay, in order not to get arrested, there might need to be some nipple coverage. We’ll figure that out.

Deal? Deal.

So go on. What are you waiting for? Order it!!

Click here to order via Amazon

iTunes

Nook

Barnes & Noble

Frugie goes commando to get on the NYT list

*commando (sort of) but not arrested.

We’re sharing some of our privates. Thoughts that is.

Well, I mean, we’re sharing deep in the confines of our genius minds. Not what’s under our skirts.

It’s time for a fun round of “Get to know your authors”.  There’s so many hilarious minds that have contributed to the book, I Just Want To Be Alone, I thought I would give you a peek into those genius heads of ours.

Have I said genius more than once? Sorry. I guess I’m a little excited.

We asked each other some questions and the responses beat any Barbara Walters interview you’ve seen.

Here goes-

 

Q: How did you come up with the name of your blog?

  •  My blog’s name is “You’re my favorite today” because it’s something I regularly say to one of my children. But only one of them.  -Michelle Newman, You’re My Favorite Today
  • My blog’s name is “Abby Has Issues” because a) I’m a magazine editor/writer and b) I have serious issues. See what I did there? -Abby Heugel, Abby Has Issues
  • I’ve always called my kids my life suckers. Because they suck the life out of me. So when it came time to name my blog it was the obvious choice. – Deva Dalporto, MyLifeSuckers

 

Q: What is your biggest daily accomplishment?

  • My motto is…”It’s 3:00. Have you showered yet?” I’m about 50/50 on most days. -Stacey Hatton, Nurse Mommy Laughs
  • I wasn’t aware I was required to accomplish things on the daily. – Nicole Leigh Shaw, Ninja Mom Blog
  • Not killing or divorcing the Hubs. We work together. From home. All day. All alone. Just the two of us. There are days the sound of his breathing irritates me and I know the feeling is mutual. -Jen, People I Want To Punch In The Throat
  • Keeping track of the milk cap, avoidance of stepping on Legos and getting to the mailbox before the Hubby does all tie for number one.  -Christine, Keeper of The Fruit Loops

Q: if you could only have one food and one beverage for one full month, what would it be?

  • A warm french baguette with garlic butter and a cold, crisp Chardonnay – Michelle Newman, You’re My Favorite Today.
  • Cream puffs. Except I’m allergic to dairy and gluten so I would have diarrhea and be barfing the whole month. But it might be worth it. – Deva Dalporto, MyLifeSuckers
  • For food, I’d say anything that isn’t my toddler’s sandwich crust. For drink, my nerves say wine but my liver says coffee.  – Robyn, Hollow Tree Ventures

Q: If you could sing one song on American Idol, what would it be? 

  • “I Get Lost in Your Eyes” by Debbie Gibson. If acid washed jeans deserve a comeback, so does bubblegum pop. – Jen, PIWTPITT
  • Jen of PIWTPITT stole my answer of “I Get Lost In Your Eyes” so I will have to go with “The Rose” by Bette Middler or “Popular” from Wicked.  I have mad singing skills.  True story:  I once brought the house down in a bar in Antigua with my rendition of “Hopelessly Devoted To You” to Hubby on his 40th.  I’m kind of a big deal at Sandals… -Christine, Keeper of The Fruit Loops
  • Karoke is more my style…but if I was on the big stage I would sing “My Love Don’t Cost a Thing” just to get on J. Lo’s good side (and for future reference, her “good side” is her left because that’s next Harry Connick Jr.) -Katie, Somewhat Sane Mom

 

Q: When was the last time you cried?

  • At almost 9-months pregnant with my third baby, when was the last time I DIDN’T cry? It’s like puberty with all body hair and no period. -Stephanie, When Crazy Meets Exhaustion
  • Watching the Olympics. We Canadians weep over hockey. – Leanne Shirtliffe, Ironic Mom
  • When I was watching Frozen with my three year old during “Do You Want to Build a Snowman” when you realize that the parents died and these sisters have such a gulf between them and they’re all alone in the world. Shut up. It’s sad. – Meredith, From Meredith to Mommy
  • I never cry, but I cried twice in the same day last week. Once because I had my first Internet troll and again watching “Undercover Boss.” Don’t judge. Those employees all have such sad stories. Anyway, I think I’m good for a year now, at least. -Abby, Abby Has Issues

Q: What’s the best gift you’ve given? Received?

  • My husband brought me a boll of cotton. That’s an actual cotton plant, the fluffy white top. He was working in the field with a sales representative way back in the days of our courtship. He asked the sales rep that was driving him through parts of rural North Carolina to pull over next to a cotton field. He jumped out and snatched a plant. When he returned to the car the sales rep explained that cotton poaching is a great way to get shot by a farmer. So, yeah, my husband’s pretty bad ass. -Nicole Leigh Shaw, Ninja Mom Blog
  • Somebody gave me some exceptional sperm. I should see my ideal children, is that what you meant? –Magnolia Ripkin
  • My blogger friend Allison of MotherhoodWTF? kept posting pictures of vulva cupcakes on my Facebook wall, so I mailed her handmade giant vulva-shaped bars of soap. No one can out-vulva me. As for received? A young, shy girl who I knew had a hard home life that attended the creative writing class I led at a Boys & Girls Club in Boston made me a bracelet and silently slipped it onto my wrist during a session one day. I’ve kept it ever since, about 15 years now. – Kim Bongiorno, Let Me Start By Saying

Q:  What do you think about when you are alone in your car?

  • Alone….in the car? Does this happen to others with any sort of regularity? When it does, or when a DVD has silenced the backseat, I play audiobooks and think back to the days when I would tear through an audiobook a week. Oh, and I have conversations with phantom others, either planning out how the conversation will go in the future, or reliving conversations from the past with more favorable results on my part. If only people followed my scripts. – Meredith, From Meredith to Mommy
  • Whether or not the driver next to me realizes he’s driving next to the woman who’s husband was once on a billboard. Christine- Keeper of The Fruit Loops
  • I finish arguments with more witty comebacks than I did in real life. –  ME!
  • Some people can hear themselves think? I am rarely ever alone in the car, but when I am I think of nothing until I realize that I am still playing the children’s CD and then I wonder how the hell I didn’t notice for 20 blocks. -Kathy, Kissing the Frog
  • I think up brilliant blog ideas. Luckily, I can call my blogging partner, Erin, to write them down for me, since the law frowns upon writing and driving. – Ellen, Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

Q: What three things can’t you live without?

  • Oxygen, Water, a Iodized Salt. Is this a technical question? – Nicole Leigh Shaw, Ninja Mom Blog
  • Chapstick, tea, toilet paper.- Me
  • Coffee, chips & habenero salsa, ipad. – Andrea, The Underachiever’s Guide to Being a Domestic Goddess

Q:  Who/What scares you?

  • Permanant markers and glitter glue. – Stacey Hatton, Nurse Mommy Laughs.
  • Toilets that flush backwards, Zack Galfiinakis’ beard, and a tampon I’ve left in too long.  TMI?  Christine, Keeper of the Fruit Loops
  • Parents who say, “Not my kid. Never.” And The Conjuring. I never should have watched that movie. I can’t go into a basement alone anymore. Luckily, we don’t have a basement. – Bethany Meyer, I Love Them the Most When They’re Sleeping
  • Auditions. Asking for money. Kevin Spacey on House of Cards.- Me

Q:  What was the last good deed you did?

  • They were out of carts in Walmart, so I went out to the parking lot and got not only one, nay, I got five and passed them out like they were quarters and I was the Tooth Fairy. Coincidentally, the Tooth Fairy gets a lot of business from the citizens of Walmart. -Ellen Williams, Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms
  • I am very active at my church. Shocker, I know. In fact, I give a lot of children’s sermons and still, I’ve not been struck dead by the Lord. -Nicole Leigh Shaw, Ninja Mom Blog
  • I spent extra time with a student at school…I brought her lunch and we ate together.  She is super sweet and I don’t think she gets much attention at home.  -Katie, Somewhat Sane Mom

Q:  What was the last thing you splurged on?

  • A badass minivan. – Jen, PIWTPITT
  • A new furnace motor because being a responsible adult is bullshit. -Abby, Abby Has Issues
  • A new stove. And then I realized that I have truly become a housewife. Our next splurge? New energy saving doors. Be still my heart. – Meredith, From Meredith to Mommy

 

See? Aren’t we hilarious? There’s your peek into our GENIUS (sorry, overused) minds. Now go buy the book!!

I Just Want to BE Alone Available on Amazon