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I Just Want To Pee Alone- Chicago Book Signing Event – Have you gotten your tickets yet?

Reminder- last few days to get tickets. Please come- I want to see you!!!

This is so much coolness my head might explode.

I’m calling this part of my official book tour. I’m like Chelsea Handler, or Carrie Fisher. Maybe a little of both but with less booze and pills in my system.

I’m gonna be in Chicago with 14 of the authors of I Just Want To Pee Alone and we’re doing a book signing!

Buy your tickets for July 26; 7-10pm, for $15. That ticket gets you a book and a drink.

  • RSVP here on the event page on Facebook.
  • Buy your tickets on PayPal here
  • Tell all your friends so they can come too!
  • Do it now before the tickets sell out!
  • Comment below so I know you’re coming and can wave spazztically at you when I see you; or hug you awkwardly and smell your hair.

 

Oh my gosh, I’m so excited to see you there. If you’re attending BlogHer already, you have to come!

And if you’re related to me or have known me since before puberty, you have to come too!

Yes, I will be reading from the book. And maybe I’ll share another humiliating story about my marriage.

 

What I would tell Kim Kardashian when she has her baby

 

Recently, Kim Kardashian expressed to the media that pregnancy is harder than she thought. I will be honest. I thought that too after my first trimester. Pregnant women on TV always made it look so easy. Even people I knew didn’t seem to have such a hard time. Kim- Pregnancy. Is. Hard.

I want to be clear, I am in no way bashing a woman who is expecting a child. Any woman, even reality television celebrities deserve love, support and judgement free encouragement. That’s just the code of women. I mean, Taylor Swift would say there’s a special place in hell if I didn’t support a fellow woman. Right Taylor?

So instead, I will use this post as a service to Kim. To help her prepare for what she is in for. Now, Kourtney might be giving her advice. And her mom, Kris, is probably also giving her advice. But I’m guessing based on the way this show, er, her life plays out, Kim isn’t listening to their advice and telling them that HER pregnancy is probably the only one like it in the world. Which is kinda true. Pregnancies, children, and snowflakes. No two are alike. Except identical twins. But even they are different, sort of.

I want to warn Kim, that not only pregnancy is harder than it looks, so is labor, childbirth, post partum and, oh yeah- motherhood.

Labor- I know Kimye, or should I call you Mrs. Kardashian-Humphries West? I’ll just call you Kim. Kim, labor is hard and not pretty. It can go many different ways. You might schedule a c-section and not even deal with it. Of course the recovery of a c-section is no small task. But if you do go through labor, there’s things to consider. You might drop a deuce on the table. You might tear from  the front of your lady business to the back of your poop hatch. I’m not trying to scare you. I’m trying to keep it real.

If you do push that baby out of your canal, with or without drugs, about 24 hours later, you might see these things hanging down from your vulva that look like a bunch of California grapes. I don’t know if they are Merlot or Cabernet variety, but they are strange and uncomfortable. Don’t look down there. Just don’t. You might have the same cluster of grapes protruding from your asshole. Sorry, again, not trying to scare you, just keeping it real. These hurt. You need a rotation of ice, a warm sits bath and a pillow. I handled all this with just some ibuprofen because I wanted to be alert and ready for the baby.

OH MY GOSH- THE BABY! It’s hard to remember that after your insides have been turned outside, you have to care for this living, being thing! Even if you have a nanny, guess what- your milk is coming in sister. I’ve seen your girls. I mean, I haven’t SEEN them, seen them, but I’ve seen that you have a fine rack. Now times that by 1000 and you have a milk engorged watermelon that you are trying to get this little tit sucker to latch onto properly (properly is code for latching without shredding your nipples like a cheese grater (totally different story I can share another time)), but you can’t see their head for your mammary.

Even if you bottle feed- your milk will come in. And low and behold when it does- brace yourself. Nothing on earth will take away what is happening to you. It’s all you babe. So own it. A cool breeze will hurt like a mo-fer against them. Even the pulsating water from the shower head that felt good on your aching back, is like a fire hose against your fragile milk bags.

Let’s see, what am I forgetting? Oh yeah, you will continue to have the worst cramps, kind of like the mother of all periods, about 48 hours after the baby is born. Mother Nature doesn’t relent. First the cramps, then those subside, then the milk comes in. Holy cheeze-tits Batman. Don’t worry, it gets easier. In about 6 weeks.

I know that you have people to look after you. But remember, women have been doing this since the dawn of time. They have given birth in fields, barns and even trees. Yes, I remember a news story about a woman in Africa during a flood, seeking refuge in a tree. She was 9 months pregnant, and before rescuers got to her, she delivered her baby. Can you imagine?

These are the sisters in childbirth I was thinking of as I lay in a hospital, writhing in pain from my own complicated delivery of my daughter. I kept thinking, how did women before me do this? And bless those that didn’t make it through because they didn’t have the means they needed or the medical help. Geeze!

There will be haters out there, you know this. Just remember, you are this child’s mother. It has nothing without you. It knows only you. Not the magazine cover with its exclusive first photo, not the diamond encrusted bracelet or pram that Kanye will get it. It only wants you and the softness of your touch, the warmth of your arms and the closeness of your skin. That’s it.

I think this is a good start for now. Perhaps in a few months, should you speak again in the press and say some nonsense of why this is so hard, or frustrating, etc. I’ll  help to keep it real for you.

***********

And thank you Lady Googoo Gaga who wrote a brilliant post to then-new celebrity mom Beyonce after Blue Ivy was born. Us regular moms have to bring folks down to earth now and then.

I think the best advice would be to tell Kim she needs to buy the book, I Just Want To Pee Alone. This will help her put it all in perspective!

Okay, if she doesn’t buy it- at least YOU need to!

 

Reason To Live Friday #33- Dreamin’ big people

So this book thing has been going really well. If you don’t know about the book, then here it is-

I know what you’re thinking. I thought the same thing- that is the cleanest toilet I’ve ever seen.

It’s available on iTunes and Amazon. It is #1 in the Humor  category on both charts. Well, it was yesterday anyway. #1!!

We are 37 ‘mom bloggers’ (whatever that means) who each contributed an essay for this entire anthology that was compiled under the wise and tender care of Jen from People I Want to Punch in The Throat. This is a self-published book and we have come this freaking far just by word of mouth. Yes. You heard that right.

So we are hoping to rock the publishing world and take them all by storm. I mean, someone has to get Daniel Craig and Tina Fey to notice me for their next movies, right? So we need your help. We ask you that buy several copies. One for every room in the house, a kindle version, and several as gifts. Oh, and tell your friends to buy it too.

For fun, we all pitched in our ideas for auditions if our book would go to audio version and if it was to be read by a celebrity. No, I didn’t audition Daniel. I tried, but he was a little busy training for his next Bond movie.

Click on over to the wonderful and talented Susan of Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva so you can see what a few of us came up with.

Click for “Celebrity Audio Auditions ‘HERE’.” You will laugh, I promise!

Here’s one pic I didn’t submit, but you get the idea.

BUY THE BOOK

I Just Want to Pee Alone- the book

 

 

Holy cow. I’m published in a book. A real pages with paper and ink- book. Not the ones stapled together in middle school you wrote in English class. Or the ones you tied together with string or ribbon from elementary school. A book.

Motherhood is the toughest – and funniest – job you’ll ever love. Raising kids is hard work. The pay sucks, your boss is a tyrant, and the working conditions are pitiful – you can’t even take a bathroom break without being interrupted with another outrageous demand.

Hasn’t every mother said it before? “I just want to pee alone!”

I Just Want to Pee Alone is a collection of hilarious essays from 37 of the most kick ass mom bloggers on the web. You will laugh, you will cry, you will want to share this book with every mom you know.

Featuring the hilarious Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva, My Life and Kids, Bad Parenting Moments, People I Want to Punch in the Throat, and many others, and ME!

Kindle version and paperback available on Amazon, see the link above! For iTunes- click here

And if you needed any convincing, the reviews are in and folks are saying it’s hilarious. Oh, and we just happen to be #1 on Amazon’s Parenting and Humor category. No biggy.

 

People I Want to Punch in the Throat

Insane in the Mom Brain

The Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva

Baby Sideburns

Rants From Mommyland

You Know it Happens at Your House Too

The Underachiever’s Guide to Being a Domestic Goddess

My Life and Kids

Bad Parenting Moments

Let Me Start By Saying

Frugalista Blog

Suburban Snapshots

Ninja Mom

Four Plus an Angel

Honest Mom

Binkies and Briefcases

Naps Happen

Kelley’s Break Room

Toulouse & Tonic

HouseTalkN

Hollow Tree Ventures

The Fordeville Diaries

Snarkfest

Mom’s New Stage

Nurse Mommy Laughs

The Dose of Reality

The Mom of the Year

Life on Peanut Layne

Momaical

Cloudy, With a Chance of Wine

Confessions of a Cornfed Girl

I Love Them Most When They’re Sleeping

Random Handprints

RachRiot

You’re My Favorite Today

Funny is Family

My Real Life