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If Kim Kardashian can break the Internet, so can I

Actually DID Kim break the Internet? I know she sure tried.  When one posts a naked booty shot all greased up, it kind of gets folks’ attention.

When I first heard about it, I totally rolled my eyes into my head. It was all over my Instagram feed and it didn’t take long for the crazy captions to start.

That Kimmy sure knows how to get our attention!

If you haven’t seen it yet, you’re probably wondering what the heck I’m talking about!

Wait for it…. Trust me. I’ll get there.

My first thoughts whenever Kim does something like this is ‘oh puhleeze, She’s always trying to get attention.”

And then, a light bulb clicked on.

“I’M ALWAYS TRYING TO GET ATTENTION TOO!”

I mean, right? I post goofy selfies, I promote the books I’m in, I put up YouTube videos. I write sponsored posts. I have a big posterior.

I haven’t gotten a perfume deal or a TV show, or even a million followers on Instagram, but I have gotten free curling irons, dog food, gift cards and Poise pads.

See? Me and Kim, were totally the same. Sort of. Just trying to make a buck.

And now, presenting how Kim #BroketheInternet.

Trust me, if my UPS man came knocking that day, he would have gotten a surprise.

I think I can say #frugiedismantledtheinternet

Noticed her oiled physique and my pasty dimpled one?

See her tiny itty bitty (photoshopped) waist, and look at my muffin top- they’re like twins.

Maybe I can get a champagne company to pay me to put a glass on my booty shelf like she did. You’ll have to Google that image, I’m too busy sitting here promoting my Amazon Affiliate store.

What am I thinking? I’ll be lucky if a toaster pastry company wants my booty in their ad. Well, it would be truth in advertising though.

Looking good Kim!

Kim Kardashian breaks the internet, frugie dismantles the internet, parody, spoof, humor, frugalista blog

 

Thank you to the talented Kim Bongiorno of Let Me Start By Saying who did my graphic!

 

What I would tell Kim Kardashian when she has her baby

 

Recently, Kim Kardashian expressed to the media that pregnancy is harder than she thought. I will be honest. I thought that too after my first trimester. Pregnant women on TV always made it look so easy. Even people I knew didn’t seem to have such a hard time. Kim- Pregnancy. Is. Hard.

I want to be clear, I am in no way bashing a woman who is expecting a child. Any woman, even reality television celebrities deserve love, support and judgement free encouragement. That’s just the code of women. I mean, Taylor Swift would say there’s a special place in hell if I didn’t support a fellow woman. Right Taylor?

So instead, I will use this post as a service to Kim. To help her prepare for what she is in for. Now, Kourtney might be giving her advice. And her mom, Kris, is probably also giving her advice. But I’m guessing based on the way this show, er, her life plays out, Kim isn’t listening to their advice and telling them that HER pregnancy is probably the only one like it in the world. Which is kinda true. Pregnancies, children, and snowflakes. No two are alike. Except identical twins. But even they are different, sort of.

I want to warn Kim, that not only pregnancy is harder than it looks, so is labor, childbirth, post partum and, oh yeah- motherhood.

Labor- I know Kimye, or should I call you Mrs. Kardashian-Humphries West? I’ll just call you Kim. Kim, labor is hard and not pretty. It can go many different ways. You might schedule a c-section and not even deal with it. Of course the recovery of a c-section is no small task. But if you do go through labor, there’s things to consider. You might drop a deuce on the table. You might tear from  the front of your lady business to the back of your poop hatch. I’m not trying to scare you. I’m trying to keep it real.

If you do push that baby out of your canal, with or without drugs, about 24 hours later, you might see these things hanging down from your vulva that look like a bunch of California grapes. I don’t know if they are Merlot or Cabernet variety, but they are strange and uncomfortable. Don’t look down there. Just don’t. You might have the same cluster of grapes protruding from your asshole. Sorry, again, not trying to scare you, just keeping it real. These hurt. You need a rotation of ice, a warm sits bath and a pillow. I handled all this with just some ibuprofen because I wanted to be alert and ready for the baby.

OH MY GOSH- THE BABY! It’s hard to remember that after your insides have been turned outside, you have to care for this living, being thing! Even if you have a nanny, guess what- your milk is coming in sister. I’ve seen your girls. I mean, I haven’t SEEN them, seen them, but I’ve seen that you have a fine rack. Now times that by 1000 and you have a milk engorged watermelon that you are trying to get this little tit sucker to latch onto properly (properly is code for latching without shredding your nipples like a cheese grater (totally different story I can share another time)), but you can’t see their head for your mammary.

Even if you bottle feed- your milk will come in. And low and behold when it does- brace yourself. Nothing on earth will take away what is happening to you. It’s all you babe. So own it. A cool breeze will hurt like a mo-fer against them. Even the pulsating water from the shower head that felt good on your aching back, is like a fire hose against your fragile milk bags.

Let’s see, what am I forgetting? Oh yeah, you will continue to have the worst cramps, kind of like the mother of all periods, about 48 hours after the baby is born. Mother Nature doesn’t relent. First the cramps, then those subside, then the milk comes in. Holy cheeze-tits Batman. Don’t worry, it gets easier. In about 6 weeks.

I know that you have people to look after you. But remember, women have been doing this since the dawn of time. They have given birth in fields, barns and even trees. Yes, I remember a news story about a woman in Africa during a flood, seeking refuge in a tree. She was 9 months pregnant, and before rescuers got to her, she delivered her baby. Can you imagine?

These are the sisters in childbirth I was thinking of as I lay in a hospital, writhing in pain from my own complicated delivery of my daughter. I kept thinking, how did women before me do this? And bless those that didn’t make it through because they didn’t have the means they needed or the medical help. Geeze!

There will be haters out there, you know this. Just remember, you are this child’s mother. It has nothing without you. It knows only you. Not the magazine cover with its exclusive first photo, not the diamond encrusted bracelet or pram that Kanye will get it. It only wants you and the softness of your touch, the warmth of your arms and the closeness of your skin. That’s it.

I think this is a good start for now. Perhaps in a few months, should you speak again in the press and say some nonsense of why this is so hard, or frustrating, etc. I’ll  help to keep it real for you.

***********

And thank you Lady Googoo Gaga who wrote a brilliant post to then-new celebrity mom Beyonce after Blue Ivy was born. Us regular moms have to bring folks down to earth now and then.

I think the best advice would be to tell Kim she needs to buy the book, I Just Want To Pee Alone. This will help her put it all in perspective!

Okay, if she doesn’t buy it- at least YOU need to!

 

Since when is it okay to be mean?

After reading a couple headlines the other day, it struck me that things are a little out of control lately.

I can think of three examples:

Pat Robertson thinks Peyton Manning should get injured.

Kim Kardashian had flour dumped on her.

The shooting range lady told Rick Santorum to picture the target as Obama.

I’m a mom. No news there. I raise my kids to be nice. There’s anti-bullying awareness every where we look. It’s in our media, our schools, our homes. But what about just being nice? Bullying seems to be a buzz-word for any type of harassing or behavior that gives someone control over another person.

According to Google, the definition of a bully is “A person who uses strength or power to harm or intimidate those who are weaker.”

and, ‘Corned beef’. I’m not kidding. Google it.

Let’s focus on the first part of this definition. Power , harm and intimidation are the words that stand out to me.

Even among equals, there is bullying. But I suppose more times than not, the bully has an upper-hand to the bullied.

But let’s not get caught up in semantics about bullying. Let’s just go back to my original statement on being kind. We have lost this general fabric of our being. A simple part of humanity. Smiling at someone. Holding your tongue when you want to say what’s on your mind. Waving someone by that has cut you off. Maybe this is tolerance more than kindness. I’m not saying bring your neighbor a basket of muffins. Just be nice.

Mother Theresa says, “there are three important things in life; to be kind, to be kind, to be kind.”

Wow. She didn’t say, go to church, or honor they parents, or don’t steal. She said- be kind.

I read the news and Pat Robertson is pissed at the Broncos for trading Tebow. Does Pat Robertson not pay attention much to the NFL in general? News flash- players get traded. Tebow isn’t the only Christian in the NFL. He doesn’t have a corner stone on God with his Tebow bow down touchdown celebration. He’s just a guy. A guy who likes Jesus. A guy who likes Jesus that plays football. That’s all. There is no shrine in his honor. He didn’t win a Super Bowl. He’s a man. Just like Peyton Manning. Maybe Peyton Manning likes Jesus too. Maybe he just doesn’t feel the need to drop a knee in the end zone. Maybe he kneels at his bedside and says his prayers at the end of the day. Who knows. It doesn’t matter. They are football players. And Jesus doesn’t care more for which team Tebow plays for or doesn’t play for. Okay Pat? We clear? Don’t go saying, out loud, that Manning will get hurt and he probably deserves it. It’s just not nice. It isn’t KIND. It’s mean. If my kid’s Sunday School teacher said, “I hope your kid gets hurt playing t-ball for that other church!”, that would be mean. Really mean.

Kim Kardashian got flour dumped on her on the red carpet. Okay, I don’t need to rush to KK’s defense. I’m not going to. And you don’t care about another celeb on the red carpet doing their thing getting a whopping $100,000 for showing up in spray tan and 6-inch heels. My first thought was, ‘haha, KK got floured. That’s kind of funny!! Silly girl, serves her right!’

Then I thought, wait (yes, I know, I’m having a conversation in my head), whoever threw that flour is kinda mean. I mean, who goes around with a sack of Gold Medal unbleached flour and waits to throw it on some unsuspecting celebrity? What lack of a life and huge bone to pick do you have if you take the time to do this? Mean, I say. Mean.

This brings me to Rick Santorum at a firing range. Nothing about this guy I like. But I won’t be mean. I’ll just be nice. Either way, it’s not really his fault what transpired.  Santorum was at a firing range during one of his campaign stops. When he goes to shoot, a woman is overheard and says, “pretend it’s Obama”. He publicly denounced her quote and her identity is unknown. Not a big deal, because she sounded like she probably smokes a few packs a day and has no teeth. I doubt she’s on any watch list. However, it is still M E A N. Obama is our President. If you joked about shooting him while in line with TSA, I’m sure security would pull you aside. Same goes for George W. You don’t joke about shooting the President. Ever. I don’t like to joke about shooting ANYBODY. Don’t we have enough gun violence as it is? Hmm, Gabby Giffords, Trayvor Martin, Chardon, OH; Bremerton, WA, Columbine…the list goes on…  It was a mean comment. Period. Geeze lady, shut your pie hole.

Where does this bring us? If half this country wants to bring this country back to whatever it was whenever it wants it to be. And the other half wants to just feed non GMO food and keep guns out of the hands of the wrong people, and keep women’s healthcare a choice left up to women, the first thing we have to do, ALL OF US- is be nice. Be Kind, be kind, and be kind. Not mean.

It’s not how I was raised.