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Study says a study about labor pain is the douchiest dumbest thing ever

What if I said a study says that a man getting his balls chopped off isn’t as painful as men claim?

SAY WHAT?

That’s preposterous! I can’t even imagine. I mean, that would be terribly painful. Well. Now don’t get me wrong. It hurts. But ask the man 2 months later and he’ll say maybe he’ll have forgotten the pain.

Or, let’s say he pushed out the Hope diamond from his urethra and didn’t get any pain meds and he might say that it hurt like a mother fucker, but later he forgot the pain once it healed.

Where am I going with this?

Yesterday I read a ridiculous article with the headline, “Study says child birth pain not as painful as women claim.” I’m only linking to the article so you can see how shit it really is. And maybe it’s not the article so much as the study itself that is complete shit.

frugie blog and the study childbirth not as painful as women claim

Let’s look at that shall we?

Child birth pain, not as painful as women claim.

SAYS WHO??

Who the fuck says that?

Women claim? Claim? That seems to suggest doubt. We ‘claim’ to have pain. I mean, maybe just a smidgen. I claim to have seen Bigfoot, but did I really see Bigfoot? I might claim to have once been able to do a back hand spring on the balance beam when I was 15. I might claim I can sing the entire Grease soundtrack by heart.

These CLAIMS may or may not be 100% true. But I’m not ‘claiming’ I had pain during childbirth. I’m shouting it from the mother freaking mountain tops that it hurt like a beast. A mother fucking Johnny Cash Ring of Fire beast.

When you look up the definition of claim it reads:

“an assertion of the truth of something, typically one that is disputed or in doubt.”

Further in the article it reads that the purpose of the study was to see if epidurals were helpful for moms.

See, this is what pisses me off.

Why are we always having to bang down the door for our own worth? We have to fight for birth control, for pain control, for equal pay. I am sick and tired of it.

Like Dee Snyder of Twisted Sister, we’re not gonna take it anymore.

Let’s hear from my panel of experts:

“Everyone always says that childbirth for a woman is like the pain of passing a kidney stone for a man. I have passed two kidney stones and two babies. The gigantic bloody howling bowling balls passing out of my body were way worse. Just sayin’.” – Ellen from Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms (who is a retired DOCTOR by the way.)

“Illinois woman claims that childbirth felt like a flailing rhino was ripping through her body wearing her vagina as a party hat.” Kerry from HouseTalkN who birthed 4 – 10 pound babies! (Not all at once, we won’t give her that much credit.)

“I thought my uterus was going to explode from the pain. It became one giant contraction. Labor had stalled and I didn’t know if I would pass out from the pain, need a c-section, or if it was possible to actually die from pain. The baby’s heart rate was hovering at a danger zone. When they gave me the epidural, I immediately felt warm and relaxed and within 40 minutes I went from 3 cm to 10 cm and delivered my baby girl.” – Me.

Pain is a personal experience. It’s subjective. You would never tell a combat veteran how his pain ‘claims’ to be measured. Pain needs to be honored and respected. It scars us. My painful experience of labor was etched in my cortex for months and months. It brought me to dark places when I was left quietly nursing my daughter, or suffering from a sleepless night. It caused layers of underlying fears and thoughts of inadequacy that haunted me months after my initial post-partum recovery.

I’ve worked through migraines and broken limbs, endometriosis and back injuries throughout my daily life. I’ve never relied on narcotics for these. Does that make them not painful? Less painful? No. It is how I process the pain. It is how I perceive the pain. It doesn’t make it less real.

Pain is not quantifiable. Sure we ask someone to rate their pain on a 1 to 10 scale. It gives us something to measure it in order to treat what they are experiencing. But what a 4 is to one person, could be a 9 to someone else. It’s based on subjective factors like experience and emotion, mental state, fear, lack of fear. Whatever.

Studies like this don’t help women. It doesn’t help our cause for men in lab coats to  try to determine how painful we ‘claim’ child birth is.

I don’t know what it’s like to get kicked in the balls, but I believe a man when he says it’s his worst pain. Is it worse than childbirth? I kind of doubt that. But it’s a severe horrible pain.

Professional soccer players get kicked in the goody sack several times in their career, it doesn’t stop them from playing. Nor does it require 6 weeks postpartum recovery, maxipads the size of Volkswagen Beetles and perineum bottles of warm water every time they use the bathroom.

“The researchers … called the moms twice, two days after birth and again two months later, to see if they used the same pain scale and provide an overall evaluation of her labor pain. The results show the women rated the process less painful two days after their delivery than they did when the researchers asked them again two months later.” (shit study from stupid researchers)

Well gee golly whiz. We actually forget our pain. Yes, this is true. It’s our body’s coping mechanism. It’s why you need a few years between each kid for the amnesia to set in. What happens when a woman is 6 weeks post partum or 12 weeks post partum and finds out she’s pregnant? She cries. That’s what. Because it is no fucking fun.

It’s beautiful, it’s amazing and I love my babies, but it hurts. And that’s not a claim. That’s a fact.

Am I making myself clear?

 

And just for laughs- let’s watch this video and remember how funny it was to laugh at these guys thinking women exaggerated everything.

What I would tell Kim Kardashian when she has her baby

 

Recently, Kim Kardashian expressed to the media that pregnancy is harder than she thought. I will be honest. I thought that too after my first trimester. Pregnant women on TV always made it look so easy. Even people I knew didn’t seem to have such a hard time. Kim- Pregnancy. Is. Hard.

I want to be clear, I am in no way bashing a woman who is expecting a child. Any woman, even reality television celebrities deserve love, support and judgement free encouragement. That’s just the code of women. I mean, Taylor Swift would say there’s a special place in hell if I didn’t support a fellow woman. Right Taylor?

So instead, I will use this post as a service to Kim. To help her prepare for what she is in for. Now, Kourtney might be giving her advice. And her mom, Kris, is probably also giving her advice. But I’m guessing based on the way this show, er, her life plays out, Kim isn’t listening to their advice and telling them that HER pregnancy is probably the only one like it in the world. Which is kinda true. Pregnancies, children, and snowflakes. No two are alike. Except identical twins. But even they are different, sort of.

I want to warn Kim, that not only pregnancy is harder than it looks, so is labor, childbirth, post partum and, oh yeah- motherhood.

Labor- I know Kimye, or should I call you Mrs. Kardashian-Humphries West? I’ll just call you Kim. Kim, labor is hard and not pretty. It can go many different ways. You might schedule a c-section and not even deal with it. Of course the recovery of a c-section is no small task. But if you do go through labor, there’s things to consider. You might drop a deuce on the table. You might tear from  the front of your lady business to the back of your poop hatch. I’m not trying to scare you. I’m trying to keep it real.

If you do push that baby out of your canal, with or without drugs, about 24 hours later, you might see these things hanging down from your vulva that look like a bunch of California grapes. I don’t know if they are Merlot or Cabernet variety, but they are strange and uncomfortable. Don’t look down there. Just don’t. You might have the same cluster of grapes protruding from your asshole. Sorry, again, not trying to scare you, just keeping it real. These hurt. You need a rotation of ice, a warm sits bath and a pillow. I handled all this with just some ibuprofen because I wanted to be alert and ready for the baby.

OH MY GOSH- THE BABY! It’s hard to remember that after your insides have been turned outside, you have to care for this living, being thing! Even if you have a nanny, guess what- your milk is coming in sister. I’ve seen your girls. I mean, I haven’t SEEN them, seen them, but I’ve seen that you have a fine rack. Now times that by 1000 and you have a milk engorged watermelon that you are trying to get this little tit sucker to latch onto properly (properly is code for latching without shredding your nipples like a cheese grater (totally different story I can share another time)), but you can’t see their head for your mammary.

Even if you bottle feed- your milk will come in. And low and behold when it does- brace yourself. Nothing on earth will take away what is happening to you. It’s all you babe. So own it. A cool breeze will hurt like a mo-fer against them. Even the pulsating water from the shower head that felt good on your aching back, is like a fire hose against your fragile milk bags.

Let’s see, what am I forgetting? Oh yeah, you will continue to have the worst cramps, kind of like the mother of all periods, about 48 hours after the baby is born. Mother Nature doesn’t relent. First the cramps, then those subside, then the milk comes in. Holy cheeze-tits Batman. Don’t worry, it gets easier. In about 6 weeks.

I know that you have people to look after you. But remember, women have been doing this since the dawn of time. They have given birth in fields, barns and even trees. Yes, I remember a news story about a woman in Africa during a flood, seeking refuge in a tree. She was 9 months pregnant, and before rescuers got to her, she delivered her baby. Can you imagine?

These are the sisters in childbirth I was thinking of as I lay in a hospital, writhing in pain from my own complicated delivery of my daughter. I kept thinking, how did women before me do this? And bless those that didn’t make it through because they didn’t have the means they needed or the medical help. Geeze!

There will be haters out there, you know this. Just remember, you are this child’s mother. It has nothing without you. It knows only you. Not the magazine cover with its exclusive first photo, not the diamond encrusted bracelet or pram that Kanye will get it. It only wants you and the softness of your touch, the warmth of your arms and the closeness of your skin. That’s it.

I think this is a good start for now. Perhaps in a few months, should you speak again in the press and say some nonsense of why this is so hard, or frustrating, etc. I’ll  help to keep it real for you.

***********

And thank you Lady Googoo Gaga who wrote a brilliant post to then-new celebrity mom Beyonce after Blue Ivy was born. Us regular moms have to bring folks down to earth now and then.

I think the best advice would be to tell Kim she needs to buy the book, I Just Want To Pee Alone. This will help her put it all in perspective!

Okay, if she doesn’t buy it- at least YOU need to!