Follow on Bloglovin> Be Mini Couture

Am I Fat?

Well I’ll save you the trouble of answering that. No, I’m not.

But I still struggle with how I look, as does 99 % of the females in this country do too. I want to focus on my inner beauty. I do. But most of the time I’m a little distracted by the outer train wreck that is my aging self and I forget these important things.

I need to tell myself,  I’m okay. You need to tell YOURSELF that you’re okay. But some things in the media have been bothering me and I will get them off my chest.

Sports Illustrated swim suit model, Kate Upton, has been called fat. Fat?  Hmm, here’s a picture of her-

I’m sorry, who’s complaining?

and here-

How many folks would let her eat crackers in their bed? Show of hands please.

And here’s a blog about what the hell is wrong with people out there calling her fat. I knew about ProAna, (how-to Anorexia website) but I didn’t know about Thinspirational lingo. Gag me. And not in the Bulimia way folks.

 

So when I ask, Am I fat? the answer is still no. But I would be considered a plus size model in the industry. Plus size!  I waver around a solid size 6. My jeans are sometimes an 8, because they’re jeans people!  So Plus size? I don’t even shop at Lane Bryant. Why would I be Plus size if I don’t wear Plus size?  I’m an average size 5’6″ , one hundred and firthnmumpteen pounds.  Even my feet are an average size 8.

My BMI is healthy, my proportions are right- I’m like 34, 27, 38. Okay, I’m 32, 28,39. Whatever. It depends on the time of the month. However, nothing, and I mean NOTHING, can help with the dimples, dots, divets, veins, stretch marks and pimply pale skin that is me. Between the barnacles, skin tags, 3rd nipples…did I just say that? I mean, my dermatologist says it’s just my skin overactive in the mammalian variety, whatever.. ANYWAY, it’s not pretty.

 

I am not a plus-sized, woman. I am a healthy, 40 year old, soft and squishy mom of 2!

Comments from people on Kate Upton article read,  ‘oh, she’s pretty, but she could tone up a bit’. Really people? You are going to knock a woman for being a bit, uhm, womanly? Reading fashion magazines and beauty magazines is dumbing down our senses. We are conditioned to see size zero perfectly airbrushed models that DON’T EXIST in the real world! Nit picking over every fold, inch, pudge or dimple is dangerous. Stop seeing just the hole when there’s the entire donut to focus on! A donut with chocolate icing and extra sprinkles that is so wonderful, you forget there’s a hole.

So here- tell me I’m fat. Go on, I dare ya. (Okay, please don’t. Yeah, thanks.)

Would it be fun to be a svelte, tone, size 2? Yes.  But I’m glad I’m HEALTHY, STRONG, and HAPPY!

I’m 40 and freaking fantastic!

Take that stupid magazines- you can suck my 3rd nipple. (DID I JUST SAY THAT?)

Helena (nuttier than squirrel turds) Bonham Carter

I was in college when I saw the movie A Room with a View. It was my first experience with a Merchant Ivory production. I loved the periods, costume and set direction and scenery of their films. I would cry just at the sheer beauty. What a sap I was! Then throw in some Puccini opera on the soundtrack- I was in love (sniff, sniff).

1990 or 1890 - big poofy hair was in.

This was my first exposure to Helena, who played Lucy Honeychurch. I thought she was lovely. That big mess of curly, dark hair. I wanted to wear an Edwardian dress with a big hat and stroll on green lawns of English estates. I had some long skirts and button down shirts in my closet. My then roommate- Ginhee- made me purge my ‘prairie looks’ as she called them. She didn’t understand my Merchant Ivory penchant for fashion. Well, I don’t blame her. By the way,  Merchant Ivory is two people not one. Ismail Merchant and James Ivory produced and directed a bunch of films in the 90s that I was obsessed with that all had the same style of culture, art and repressed passion.

Now Miss Bonham Carter wasn’t always perfect. It was reported that she cheated on Emma’s (Thompson) then husband Kenneth Branagh while they filmed Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein. Shame on them!

Poor Emma. But now Helena is with Tim Burton and they make the perfect couple.  Cooky meets crazy!

A match made in creative crazy heaven.

I loved Helena in Harry Potter as Bellatrix LaStrange. How perfect for her. Bellatrix eats the same squirrel food as Helena because she’s nutty too!

Bellatrix- this girl definitely poops squirrel turds- dontcha think?

Of course, last year, Helena’s portrayal as the Queen mum in The King’s Speech was poignant, loving, and completely devoid of any craziness.

2011 Best Picture; The King's Speech with Colin Firth

Who else can do the red carpet like Helena? It would be disappointing if she showed up in a ‘regular’ couture look.

I wasn’t a fan of Sweeney Todd. (shh, don’t tell her that.)   But I loved her as the Red Queen in Alice in Wonderland. Nothing beats the line, “I love a warm pig for my aching feet.” And who remembers her stint on Miami Vice? Ha! Betcha you forgot that.

I love everything she does down to her mismatched shoes. I probably wouldn’t let her babysit my kids, but I would love to do tequila shots with her and Tim. How fun would THAT be? Johnny Depp could show up too.

She has been nominated for an Academy Award twice. Maybe one day she’ll win. Or maybe not. I doubt she cares.

Thanks for keeping it real Helena.

Last year's Golden Globes and the mismatched shoes. Hey- they were the same brand, just one of each color.

Bow down to greatness- Oh Meryl, I’m betting on you.

I’m hearing that the Oscar buzz this year is Viola Davis may win for Best Actress for The Help. That’s great and all….but….. Meryl, Meryl, Meryl- needs. to. win.

I know Meryl has won before. But she is so frickin’ fantastic all the time. She has won twice- Best Supporting Actress for Kramer vs. Kramer and Best Actress for Sophie’s Choice. That was 30 years ago!! She’s been nominated practically every year- from A Cry in the (dingo ate my baby) Dark, to The Devil Wears (bitch Miranda Priestly) Prada. She leads most ever nominations with 17 total. 17 for crying out loud!

Accents, prosthesis, nudity or disabilities are pretty much a shoe-in for winning. Aside from the nudity part, Meryl has completed all these criteria.

In the movie Iron Lady, she wore some serious dental prosthesis. Ding ding. Winner.

Viola has been around a while too.  With some starts on NYPD Blue, Law and Order, she even costarred with Meryl in Doubt. She even worked with George in Syriana. Oh, I’m sorry- George Clooney. We are on a first name basis. AND Meryl and George did voices for Fantastic Mr. Fox. It’s all a 3 degrees of Hollywood separation thing.

Then there’s Rooney. She is a long shot to win. But I always appreciate someone’s devotion to their craft. Her transformation to Lisbeth Salander was astounding. Nipple piercings? Computer hacking skills? Visiting an autism center?  Her nomination should be an honor in this stage of her career. Just please Rooney- please don’t turn into one of those Kristen Stewart types where you look completely uncomfortable with your fame, pretend to ‘endure’ the fashion thrown at you for free, say that you owe it all to the fans but look like someone is giving you a colonoscopy every time you are interviewed. Anyway… you get the idea.

Oh and then there’s Glenn. Glenn, how have you NOT won yet? After Fatal Attraction I was mesmerized. After Dangerous Liaisons I was enchanted. What can you NOT do?? The Victor/Victoria Albert Nobbs get up is superb.

Michelle- your portrayal of Marilyn is spot on. Dawson’s Creek you are far from. You will have a promising career of many more nominations, I promise. You will win. Just not this year.

How to choose one? (courtesy therepublika.com)

Everyone in this category this year is deserving. But my money is on Meryl. Votes are cast. Couture is being pressed. Jewels are on loan. Meryl will probably show up wearing something understated with a big clunky necklace. Her hair swept up casually and not even wear much makeup. And she’ll look stunning like always. Because she knows she’s awesome. Right? I mean- she’s Meryl.

Dear Readers, There’s an obsession I’ve been keeping from you.

I LOVE awards shows. I know! God forbid you have to watch those boring award shows that go on for hours. Most of you would rather have bamboo shoved up under your fingernails.

I guess it’s not a secret that I like movies. I’m not one of those Indie film buffs that scoffs at the Academy Awards. Far from it. I ADORE the Oscars. It’s a love affair that started when I was 8 years old. I watched the Academy honor Chariots of Fire with the best picture award instead of Raiders of the Lost Ark. English men running in slow motion to Vangelis is not as exciting to a 3rd grader as Indiana Jones running away from a giant paper mache ball. But anyway, it didn’t change my feelings for the Academy. I don’t hold a grudge.

Instead, ever since that night that dazzled me watching all those movie stars, I loyally perched myself on my couch for the 4  hour marathon each year, to see which cinematic legacy would be awarded. Unlike that first year I watched where Ark lost to Fire, I have agreed mostly with the Academy’s decisions. Hurt Locker vs. Avatar; The Kings Speech vs. Black Swan (thank God)…However, I didn’t like Unforgiven winning over Howard’s End. I have a love affair with Emma Thompson, okay? At least she won best actress that year. And The Departed beating The Queen or Little Miss Sunshine? Oh well. I realize Martin Scorsese is awesome, so I will let it go.

Oh Emma how I love thee. Could it be coincidence my first born is named after you?

One day I will attend the Oscars. I always dreamed I would go as a nominee. Yeah, that ship has sailed. Unless they come up with an honorary nominee of lifetime achievement watching movies from a couch, I’m not qualified.

But I still put it out there in the universe that I will attend the Oscars. I will see movie greatness in person. By then studios will be greedy corrupt conglomerates and there will be like 20 best picture nominees. Oh wait… we’re almost to that point. What is up with 10 nominees for best picture?

Still, I probably won’t be wearing the Bob Mackie dress I envisioned myself in when I was 13. Yes, it had more fabric than Cher’s getup. Maybe Valentino, Zac Posen, Dolce & Gabbana. Oh wait- I don’t have the body for safety pins up the side D&G style.

Ohh, you go gurrll!!

Or maybe it will be from Nordstrom Rack like my Grammy dress. Either way, I will go and I will probably tinkle in my SPANX yet again.

Let’s hope I go before I’m 80. It would be so nice to be able to wear SPANX instead of Depends. Well, that could be sooner than 80…

This year, I will be wearing Lululemon Haute Couture and eating quinoa cakes with almond milk, while  sipping oolong tea. Emma and I might go wild and have a Rice Dream frozen sandwich and some homemade popcorn sprinkled with nutritional yeast. It will be so much fun.

And in case you are wondering. I will never host an Oscar party. I can’t possibly enjoy my show while trying to see to everyone’s drinks and hors  dourves and shushing everyone. That’s not fun.

Until I’m there at the Kodak Theater, or wherever they will be in 2030, I will watch comfortably on my couch.

If anyone knows any producers of the show, boom operators on the red carpet, spray tan facilitators for Ryan Seacrest, or towel holders in the ladies’ restroom- I’m happy to be hooked up. Hey- putting it out in the universe is the first step Oprah would say.

I will be blogging incessantly about the Oscars until Monday. Next will be about  my love affair with Meryl Streep. My devotion to Helena Bonham Carter and how she’s nuttier than squirrel turds, but how I love her anyway. And also, how Glenn Close really deserves one of those gold statues sometime soon.

Yes, you cheated on Emma with Kenneth, but you are the craziest cat and I love you for it.

How has she not won yet?

I love Billy Crystal, but I’m a Hugh Jackman fan, so I would really appreciate it if they brought him back. Leave Anne Hathaway to her movies though and James Franco to his writing and art. Thank you.

Belle of the ball, the Titanic of Red Carpets, and what you didn’t see on TV.

I want to think I was the belle of the ball, but it was Adele. She reigned supreme and deserved it.

Damn, she's adorable!

There are three parts to this blog:

  • Leaving for the weekend by myself with girlfriends
  • Attending the Grammy’s civilian style
  • My usual color commentary of all things celebrity and frivolous.

I will also add some disclaimers:

No I did not meet any celebrities per se, and I got the privilege to attend the Grammys because a friend’s dad gets the tickets through his work.

Being away for a weekend:

When mama is gone for 4 days it’s enough to have the children fed and kept happy. Forget any household chores getting done, laundry, vacuuming… Now there’s 4 days of chores waiting for me to do. Which means it will take me around a week to catch up at the speed I get through them. Which means since I never get caught up in the first place; for the next month I will be doing the previous week’s chores. We’ll be glad if there’s clean socks and underwear for everyone.

Attending the Grammys civilian style:

What I mean by this is, these important events that rich and famous people get to attend usually come with borrowed couture, loaned jewels, hair and make up teams, chauffeurs, handlers, assistants…

When you are just a regular person trying to pull yourself together for attending a black tie affair, it’s hard! I’m not complaining. No. BUT, dang it, false eyelashes are a bitch to apply and the cheap Target SPANX knock-offs rolls up on the leg seams giving you a ‘ribbed’ look you didn’t intend.

Plus, us gals all followed the strict small print on every ticket and memo we received, banning cell phones and cameras. With the warning that they would be checked by security. To avoid this pain in the ass (and yes, I did think of shoving my phone in my knock-off SPANX to sneak it in, but they put you through metal detectors and that would have been embarrassing for me to reach up into my waistband, lifting the muffin top, to reach my phone if I got busted.); we left our phones in the car.

Here’s some foreshadowing for you- yes, we regretted leaving our phones in the car. More on that later.

I have never attended an event of this magnitude or prestige. There’s people lining the streets of LA near the Staples center, lanes and lanes of limos and town cars, spray tan, platform heals and LOTS of cleavage. LOTS of cleavage.

We parked in the garage, walked around to the entrance. And flashed our tickets. We were given Red Carpet access. Yes, I tinkled a little in my knock-off SPANX to be actually on a Red Carpet. Yes, I felt somewhat giddy. But I soon learned, there are two types of Red Carpets. If this Red Carpet was the Titanic- there’s first class and steerage. And I was on the side with Jack, not Rose. So that means, no life jackets, no boats. I would have sunk. But anyway… When you are steerage class you walk BEHIND the backdrops and ropes of where the celebs do their poses for photogs and you can peek around to see folks getting interviewed, until they tell you to move along for some stupid fire code. Yeah, yeah, the fire chief doesn’t want fifty of us crowding around to see if we can spy Beyonce (who was not there by the way). For the record- I don’t blame folks now for wearing sunglasses on the red carpet. Those lights are freakin’ bright. The Grammy red carpet is under a tent, so it seems to magnify the spotlights and flashes. It’s like a Yen Lui studio on crack.

Here’s who I got to see:

Ryan Seacrest (despite everyone calling him short- newsflash, most men in Hollywood are under 6′, he’s very handsome.)

Billy Ray Cyrus

Paris Hilton (she looks like a lollipop in a dress)

Kathy Griffin (plastic surgery doesn’t look as scary as it does on TV)

Rebecca Black (Friday song girl- she’s cute)

The cute little girls from Ellen that wear the giant pink tutus (SO cute)

Some R&B singer I didn’t know the name of

Some Rap artists I didn’t know the name of

Kelly Osbourn (hair color is still really weird, but kind of cool)

Tia Carrere (her plastic surgery DOES look scary in person)

Chris Harrison of the Bachelor

What I didn’t know that while I was on the red carpet so was:

Bruno Mars
The Band Perri
Corrine Bailey Ray
Esperanza Spalding

and a bunch of others that I must’ve missed with all the backdrops and reporters blocking my view.

I got three compliments from ushers (not THE Usher) on my dress. At least someone noticed!

The Staples center does not open any bars or cocktail lounges prior to the event. Apparently someone thought it was a school carnival and was selling Diet Coke, Red Vines, Smarties and popcorn. Um- ‘scuse me, this girl needs a gin and tonic.

So we sat in our seats with just a bottle of water, a Lara bar I smuggled in my purse and some gum. And no phones. Did I mention, no phones? We felt like one of our limbs had been removed. No texting, no posting on Facebook braggy status posts, no quickie pics of Kelly Osbourn in her 360 glam cam station for the E! network. Nothing.

This is where being a celebrity must come in handy. You get your phone and I’m guessing as many gin and tonics as you want.

When we saw all the other rule breakers with their phones and cameras we were kicking ourselves for being such goody-two-shoes. Where was the enforcement people??? There were people taking pictures and video left and right and no one seemed to care! Next time- if there’s a next time- I am bringing my phone.

If you saw the show on TV- here’s what you missed:

The set for Katy Perry’s performance had 4 ice sculptures but by the time it was her segment one had already crashed to the ground and broken in a million pieces during a commercial break so they had to quickly clear the stage and roll with it. Not that it mattered to have three instead of four.

Fergie’s awful orange dress (or as Emma texted me later that night- ‘Chinese New Year gone wrong’) glowed in the dark. I’m not sure how, but you could spot her all the way across the Staples center even in the dark.

I watched Paul McCartney during every commercial break get up and shake hands, give kisses and pose for pics. Not with us of course, but the fancy people. Still- what a guy.

Glenn Campbell seemed confused and almost wandered off the stage before starting to sing. But God Bless him, cuz Rhinestone Cowboy was THE most favorite song of my 4 year old existence. If Crystal Gayle came out on stage, my friends would have had to get a stretcher for me.

Hot chicks play banjos.

Paris Hilton likes to wander around calling attention to herself for no apparent reason.

Tony Bennett’s gray hair is as visible across a room as Fergie’s orange dress.

Jennifer Hudson was pitch perfect in person for her Whitney tribute and there wasn’t a dry eye in the house.

The Cold Play number in person was a lot cooler than on TV because they gave us these bracelets that were remotely activated to blink and light up to the music while they played. After the number, they were useless. But I continued to wear mine throughout the evening hoping Chris Martin was going to send me some morse code signal through them.

The Staples Center likes to keep things on the chilly side. We were snuggled up under our dresses and wraps while some a/c was wafting from above. Good thing it was dark, because everyone would have seen our SPANX with our knees tucked under our chins for body heat.

I got to brag to my husband that I was in the same room as Kate Beckinsale. Of course, I was 200 feet from her, but when will HE ever be in the SAME room as her?? Even if that room is 10,000  square feet.

The Nicki Minaj number sucked in real life as much as it did on TV. Fail.

Yeah, I was scared too.

I want to carry Bruno Mars’ babies. Okay, not really, but I would carry his Cabbage Patch dolls for him or his golf bag, or whatever he wants me to carry for him, he’s so cute. We’ll just forget about the cocaine incident a year ago through airport security, shall we?

And lastly- Adele sounded SPECTACULAR in person. Hands down it was her night and everyone knew it.

It was my night too.

I’m sure I will be writing endlessly about my Grammy weekend. But this is all I got for now. Enjoy.

Oh and yes, I did get my gin and tonic later that night. Two in fact.

Afterwards at the restaurant. I'm the one in blue. See my gin and tonic in front of me. Oh wait- it's empty.

Ladies- love yourselves!

I am doing this for my benefit.

I am constantly beating myself up for not being ‘perfect’.

The fact that I didn’t work out that day, what I weighed at the dr.’s office, how I forgot to give the kids their vitamins before they went to school. How the kale I had good intentions for but got all slimy forgotten in the back of the veggie drawer in the fridge. How I’ve spent James’ mid life crisis sports car money on eye cream and ‘youth’ serums.

So here’s a picture I will make full size for my bathroom. Except looking at it makes me think that this girl has some serious muscle tone I am lacking. But still- it’s a good message.

No stick skinny folks here. No offense to anyone stick skinny. Just trying to make myself feel better.

And when you’ve got five minutes- watch this video. For the sake of yourself, your daughter’s and granddaughter’s- we need to remember there’s so much out there than what’s in a magazine.

Kate Winslet- “I don’t look like that video.”

Feel free to share, copy, put on a t-shirt; whatever. I know I will.

F-Bombs and protests. But not the SOPA kind.

Protests can be effective. The internet blackout caught the attention of folks everywhere. Hopefully the folks that vote it down.  (SOPA and PIPA)

Protests can bring about fodder for late night hosts. Or they can become world changing- think Egypt.

But then there’s dumb protests. I mean really useless, stupid ones. The kind that bring to light stuff that would have sailed on under the radar but their protests bring them to our attention. And then I blog about it and it brings it to light even more. So I’m contributing to the stupid, vicious cycle. Pretend I didn’t write this. Unless you agree with me, then enjoy.

Awhile ago I shot back at uber conservative moms who didn’t like Ben & Jerry’s Schweddy Balls.  Apparently, it was offensive to have balls in the name of an ice cream that your kids shouldn’t be eating in the first place since it was rum flavored. See? Stupid.

So then I read about more uptight parents and a college kid protesting swearing on TV. I thought they couldn’t swear on TV. They are upset about the latest Modern Family episode where Cameron and Mitchell’s toddler Lilly, drops an F-Bomb. They bleep it out and the producers say she said ‘Fudge’ in real life. It only LOOKS like she said the F word. Harmless.

I seriously don’t think the rampant use of teenagers using F-bombs is due to toddlers on television.

Okay those of you who know me personally, know I will probably defend Modern Family to infinity. I love that show. Heck, I am that show. HELLOOO?? I’m Claire. I want to be Gloria, but I’m Claire. I’m also a bit of Cameron and Phil… but the point is- this show is art imitating life. And that is what makes it so great. I suppose they should have also banned the episode where the kids walk in on the parents ‘doing it’ since that will lead groves and groves of parents to flagrant nookie while our children are home.

This kid, McKay Hatch who says his No Cussing Club has 35,000 members, obviously doesn’t have kids so he is clueless to the rampant swearing and potty talk that streams from toddlers and preschoolers like a turrets affliction. And maybe the parents group protesting has perfect children that never say anything inappropriate. Just about any parent will give you that great story of the first time their kid uses the F word. It was probably in public. Like in church. Or at your in-laws. Perfectly humiliating situations to share with your child when they are an adult at their wedding rehearsal dinner.

Kids swearing for our entertainment is nothing new. What about the fabulous scene in A Christmas Story where Ralphie is helping his dad change the tire on the side of the road and drops the F-bomb to his parent’s dismay? And to his dismay later when he has to suck on that bar of soap. It’s part of life.

Blech.

Television is entertaining. We like it because it lets us escape, or it shows up as a mirror and we can laugh at ourselves. Which is the case with a show like Modern Family. I don’t think it will cause an outbreak of toddler swearing beyond what we’re used to.

So college kid- guess what? The karma parenting fairies usually have a way of getting back at you. You might need to invest in some bars of Life Buoy soap.

This must be old. Toilet soap?

Here’s the articles:

Groups in a tizzy over Modern Family F-bomb

Modern Family toddler uses curse word. But not really.

Her dress lights up!! That is so F---ing fantastic!

My ridiculous and frivolous review of the Golden Globes that is completely unneccessary.

Let me just say that I told you so. Whatever I have said, the big money reviewers and writers will say the same thing. If you even bother to read them.

So I’ve had several vodka tonics,  I can’t be responsible for content:

What was with Madonna? Can she thaw just a little bit please? Since when is the Material Girl so freakin’ serious? When she went up to accept her award for best song for W/E, a movie which she also directed, she was stoic, silent and calculating in her words. I thought someone died. Or she was going to dedicate her award to something important. No, she was just pontificating in her fake British accent. How I wish she would lighten up. Or remove the stick up her ass.

Best line of the evening:

When Seth Rogan comes out with Kate Beckinsale and says, “I’m Seth Rogan, and I am hiding an enormous erection.” To the commencing of giggles from Kate Beckinsale and she couldn’t read the teleprompter. I will confess, James would probably concur. He wouldn’t say so though on TV for millions to hear.

Best presenting duo-

Tina Fey and Jane Lynch. Carry on…

Hottest presenting duo

Channing Tatum and Jessica Alba

Movies I haven’t seen, but need to-

The Artiste

The Descendants

  • Congrats to Octavia Spencer for winning for her portrayal in The Help. That movie was so many things. And I think she feels the same way too. Way to go and she had a wonderful quote from Dr. King in her speech.
  • Shame on NBC for putting a short leash on Ricky Gervais. What are you afraid of? He only says what we all think.

Favorite Anglophile Thespian:

Kate Winslet. Beautiful, poised, talented and always real.

Old fella still Rockin it:

Sydney Poitier. Damn he’s distinguished.

Older woman still Rockin it:

Helen Mirren (second favorite Anglophile Thespian)

  • I love me a video montage of an actor’s career. Morgan Freeman is a stud. From Electric Company to Invictus. God love him.

Skinniest woman that I want to hate but hey, if it’s her metabolism that makes her so thin after three children then okay:

Angelina Jolie

  • Kudos for Modern Family and Sofia Vergara’s acceptance speech.

Worst dress on a hot woman:

Jessica Biel decided to wear her wedding dress to Justin Timerlake with her Spanx briefs showing.

Actress who always acts like she’s not expecting it, but deserves it every year:

Meryl Streep

Actress who still does her Jazzercize DVD’s even though she’s like 90 years old:

Jane Fonda. Can’t deny that she’s still hot from the neck down.

  • okay so The Artiste won instead of Bridesmaids. Whatever. I guess it’s cinematic or something. Nothing beats Melissa McCarthy in the bridal shop. Period.
  • Apparently I have to see Shame. Michael Fassbender can play golf without a club according to George Clooney.
  • Dear Harrison Ford: Please remove your earring. You are not in college or in a garage band. Thanks.

I guess before the Oscars I will be seeing the Descendants. I think it’s going to win Best Picture. I said it here first.

Mahalo.

‘REAL’ women have curves. Really? So what are us skinny bitches then?

I’m not saying I’m skinny. I’m not saying that women should be curvy. I’m saying that when we say phrases like, “Real women have curves”-  then doesn’t that just make the skinny women wonder what makes them a real woman?

I know a lot of beautiful women of all shapes. Not morbidly obese. Just skinny to curvy. Short and tall.  Just your garden variety of size 0′s to 14′s.

There was a recent blogger’s Facebook wall, Mom’s who Drink and Swear, that posted a Daily UK article on a size 12 model, which featured a picture of what’s considered plus-size, and the typical size 0 model next to her. Hundreds of comments on the Facebook page ensued of different women defending their opinions on what is beautiful. Curvy women defending their curves, and skinny women defending their skinnyness, athletic women, women who work out, maintain a thin appearance- all of them. They all had opinions. Here’s what: Our culture defines skinny as pretty for magazines, and heavy as unattractive. Pretty is also zit free skin, smooth-frizzless hair, whiter teeth, glowing less pasty skin…. the list goes on. And yeah- it’s pretty much true. So why do we get so up in a tizzy over skinny vs. fat?

Why should the curvy size 14 ladies have to defend the fact that if they are 5’10″ being over 160 pounds is the norm. Gals that are a natural size 2, ones that have metabolisms like thoroughbreds, shouldn’t be made to feel they are inadequate because people think they aren’t eating. It’s nobody’s damn business!

Here’s a confession. I don’t want to be fat. I’m a size 6 and it irks me that if I were to walk in to a model agency they would call me a Plus size model because I’m not stick thin. I don’t want to be called Plus Size. I’m average. Thin according to the American average. I like feeling thin. I like the way my clothes look, I like the way I feel. So what? Sue me. But I have no business being a model either. I don’t walk in to Boeing and decide I’d like to start designing airplanes.

I have tall friends that know when they aren’t at their physical best. Or, who are very comfortable being tall, curvy and full figured- not fat. Healthy, proper BMI, all the medical stats check. But their physique supports a curvy figure. Plain and simple.

I think what it is for me, I like the look of muscle. I like when I see muscle definition on my legs or arms. It says strength. It says, I’ve been working on something. I’ve been doing something. I can run a 5k, I can climb stairs, I can swing on a trapeze. It’s a reflection of all the things I’m capable of. When I see flabby flesh, squishy thighs and thick arms (on me, mind you), I think of what I should be doing. How I shouldn’t be wasting my time. That if it means so much to me, why not just make it happen?

So in closing. Skinny people- don’t look down on the curvy gals and say they need to shape up. And curvy girls, don’t look at a skinny girl and say- go eat a cheeseburger. Because I know girls who eat cheeseburgers and still are ridiculously small. Instead, say, ‘hey, your eyes are pretty in that color sweater.’ OR, ‘I love the way you smile.’ OR ‘thanks for laughing with me and not at me’.

Saying something is made real over something else, isn’t really fair and continues the ‘I’m better than you’ cycle. It’s like saying, ‘REAL SMART people wear glasses’, OR ‘REAL dancers are black’, OR ‘REAL good food is only French’. See what I mean?

THIS is what we should teach our daughters. Oh, and our sons, because if they are someone’s husband one day, we don’t want them to make their wives feel insecure about their image. That’s a whole different topic…

 

This woman is gorgeous.

Seriously? Why does she need to be considered 'plus'. How about smokin'?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I'm assuming she's healthy.

 

I'm concerned for this girl though.

Buy my book!

We’re all just crazy, fat Americans…that need bibles.

Oh, just pipe down! I’m not calling you fat. And not all Americans are fat. Yet.

But by judging the display at Barnes & Noble, the commercials on TV and the headlines on the health magazines for women AND men; we are all fat and in need of ‘sexy, slim thighs’, or ‘detoxing’, or getting the ‘skinny girl’s bible’. And don’t even get me started with all those damn resolutions people are making out there to lose weight or the ads that tell us we should. Yes, I posted about exercising my ass off recently. But I also explained the personal benefits to this besides fitting into my jeans. Snap.

Well if this is THE break up bible, forget the other books on the subject!

oh looky here- ANOTHER Bible

Let’s slow down. Okay, for starters there’s only one Bible.  Does everyone from Suzanne Somers to Christina Ferrera have to have their diet book with “bible” in the title?

Also, those ’5 moves to sexier, skinnier thighs’ never work. Why? Because I only do them twice that week. And then I lose the magazine under a pile of laundry and start PMSing and don’t feel like working out.

And, while I’m on the subject- does Marie Osmond get Botox all over her face and IN her mouth as well? She does the ads for Nutrisystem and she looks weird. Her mouth doesn’t move. Well, it does. But like Guy Smiley on Sesame Street. Only the bottom half moves like a muppet. I like Marie. I don’t like her dolls though. I’m glad she’s skinny. I just wish her mouth moved like a human’s.

Guy Smiley from Sesame Street. Maybe he's had botox.

That looks TOTALLY natural.

Marie Osmond Doll. Probably has had botox.

Now Janet Jackson is doing Nutrisystem too. I thought with all her dancing she was skinny. Emma sees the commercial and says. “Mom, that’s creepy. Isn’t she Michael Jackson’s wife, but she looks just like him.”

Apparently, I need to teach Emma some Janet, (Miss Jackson to her) songs and stuff.

When I put a search in on the Barnes & Noble site for ‘celebrity diet books’, for some reason the Masturbate-athons and Wanks Weeks book came up. I’ll have to check that out later for my next blog post….

Back to Suzanne Somers. Only in America can Chrissy from Three’s Company publish a dozen books on how to stay sexy, cancer free, menopause free, and skinny after 40. If based on the number of books she’s published, she is the world’s most renowned expert on being sexy, fabulous, sugar free and thin forever. For sure.

Stop the presses- this is the end all of sexy recipe Bibles!

I can understand all the variety of diet books, cook books and self help books. We are the land of opportunity. To each his own. I mean, why not? There’s a million freakin’ bloggers out there. That’s great. Anyone can write a book. Maybe I will. I’ll call it, “The Blogging Bible”…

I admit, I am guilty of subscribing to half a dozen women’s health and beauty magazines. I think I have amnesia every time I open one. I get all excited for my new body in 30 days. The only time they work is if I’m reading them while on the elliptical.

It’s amusing to me and sometimes inspiring. I take them with a grain of salt. On the rim of my margarita glass.