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The Hobbit- an Unexpected frickin’ long journey with grubby little dwarf men

Please Tolkien-ites out there- don’t be mad. I dig all the Lord of the Rings movies, and I’m a total fan of Hobbits. More the actual Hobbits themselves. I’ve never read any of the books. I’m more in love with the charm of the Shire and their furry big feet and their love of second breakfast. I’ve been partaking in second breakfast before I knew it was a ‘thing’.

We went as a family to The Hobbit over the weekend and overall it is a good movie.

But- my rambling brain and simplistic mind have a tendency to wander during long fantasy movies. I can’t help it. Also, the last 45 minutes I needed to pee, so I was really distracted. I hate getting up during movies, so I stayed in my seat and suffered. Thank heavens none of the final scenes had a rushing river or waterfall.

Spoiler alert-

Okay really? Is there a spoiler alert when it comes to a movie about a book? I mean, you either already know what’s going to happen or nobody really cares if you end up knowing what’s going to happen. AND, this is the first of three movies, so it ends in a cliff hanger of sorts. So you’re not getting any closure or resolution any way from the end of the film. I’m not sure how you can spoil a ‘non’ ending.

I was delighted to see that Hobbit Frodo makes an appearance in this picture. He’s my favorite Hobbit. Not only does he sport the Hobbit-Michael Landon shag so nicely, he has deep blue eyes and a miraculous complexion. Since this movie is to take place several years prior to the Lord of the Rings series, but in reality, the actors in this movie are a good decade older than they were in the LOTR movies, it’s a little unnatural. And Gandolf is starting to show his age more than his 800 years or whatever. But in Elijah Wood’s case, he has aged backwards. The boy doesn’t look a day over 19 and he’s already in his 30s. Did I mention his complexion? Seriously, what does this guy use? I want some.

I think Elijah Wood would make a fabulous addition to our family. He could be an older brother to Emma and Owen and like a little pet for me. I’m not sure where my obsession with him comes from, but it is purely platonic, you can understand, right?

Okay, then there’s all these dwarfs showing up at poor Hobbit Bilbo Baggins’ house. I don’t blame him for being upset that they went through his pantry and ate all his food and messed up his doilies and bathroom with goodness knows what #1 and #2 a dwarf can make. I can only imagine what dwarf poop is like. And we aren’t talking cute little lawn dwarf garden gnomey types- these are rugged, outdoorsey, stinky hairy dwarfs. What is up with their facial hair? They all have weird names like Dingey, Wingey, Flingey and Thrain. Sort of. The head dwarf is named Thorin or thomething. Every time thomeone talks around him it thounds like their lithping.

So they go on this ‘unexpected journey’ which sounds like the only person who wasn’t expecting it is Bilbo. Everyone else was expecting and planning on it. But it would be weird to call the movie, “An unexpected journey for Bilbo Baggins but all the other characters know about it.”

Let me summarize- on their journey, they encounter trolls, goblins, orcs and elves. Elves are good. But the dwarfs are pissed at the Elves for not helping them out when the dragon invaded their mountain village long ago.

Elves are probably the most in conjunction with my lifestyle. I would be a vegan elf wearing long yards of chiffon and skilled artisan crafted gold jewelry. And by the way, during the entire Cate Blanchett elf scene, I kept obsessing over HER complexion. I know she is the spokesmodel for SKII skin care and I kept looking at her milky white skin. Trust me, I’m very close to ordering some for myself, but I hesitate, knowing this is a movie folks, I can’t be suckered into every product especially when there’s CGI involved. Have you figured out by now that between Elijah Wood and Cate Blanchett I’m considering kidnapping them both and wearing their skin? It’s kind of obvious isn’t it?

The arch enemy of the movie is the Pale Orc. He’s a nasty bugger that has a bone to pick with Thorin head dwarf. I won’t go into details, but Pale Orc looks like they took the skin from my abdomen and peeled it over his body. It’s pale and full of silvery stretch marks. Not pretty. Not that orcs are ever pretty, but this one is particularly ugly. I think he could’ve been a little uglier and hairy-er. They kind of held back on this guy if you ask me. I remember in LOTR when the orcs rose out of the ground all muddy and gooey. This guy was quite dry and non-muddy. Maybe he is an orc that bathes?

Lots of dirt, orc snot and dwarf hair later, there’s some epic battles and a goblin king that kind of looks like Jabba the Hut in a diaper. Or Old Uncle Bob with a giant goiter. It’s not pretty.

I saved the best for last- Gollum. Poor little Gollum. Maybe some of you aren’t so sympathetic to him, but I see an infant old man child that needs some klonopin and maybe some long johns and a poncho. His big blue eyes, not like Frodo’s blue eyes, but still, they tug at my heart strings. And then greedy little Bilbo had to go and steal his ring. Hindsight says that was a big mistake. But just watching little Gollum shed a tear made me think of Dobby in Harry Potter. Of course, Dobby had more teeth and even a pillow case to wear. I still think Gollum would be friendlier if someone brought him a Snuggie. It’s probably really cold in that dark, wet cave.

By the time the movie ended, not only did I have to pee like something fierce, I had that movie snack malaise that comes with the poor decision of snarfing down a tub of buttered popcorn and a KitKat bar. The only thing in my favor was that the tub was being shared by four people and McSweetie hogged most of it. I’m sure he thought he was doing me a favor.

I was happy to find a restroom which of course had a line and no toilet paper. Also, getting actual food in my system was necessary. If they show a Hobbit movie, that’s 3 hours long, there should be an intermission with tea and scones provided.

I’m considering a Twitter campaign to Peter Jackson for the next one. Maybe he’ll incorporate my intermission idea.

That would be….’precious’, don’t ya think? (sorry, couldn’t resist.)

 

 

Happy “Bring your dog to the movie theater day” Hunger Games?

I know today is National Puppy Day. Does this mean folks can bring their dogs with them to public places at will? The thing about dogs in public, is this- you either have a service animal or you have a pet. Pets that are small and undetectable, if it’s not bothering me, I don’t really care. Yes, I see ladies at Target with Pomeranians in their cart. Weird. But does it upset me? Not really.

A large lab type dog breed, brought in against it’s will to be forced to sit on the movie theater floor during a 2 hour film is a different story.

I was seated towards the back. I see a couple come in and get seats towards the front. The woman sits down and the guy is dragging this dog on its leash. It’s clearly afraid, doesn’t want to be there or something. It is NOT a service animal. Maybe that’s what they told the folks at the front. I thought there was a no-pet policy at the theater. I guess you tell people it’s a service dog and they give you the ‘all clear’.  As far as I know, service animals don’t cower.

Soon after that, a family comes in with an infant AND a toddler. OH- did I mention I was seeing The Hunger Games? Yeah. Totally stoked for this movie. Read all three books a year ago and was anxious for its release. Am I bringing MY kids? Sure, later this weekend. They are almost 12 and 9, have read the books and can tolerate certain subject matter. Would I take them if they were 2? NO.

This family sits in the row directly behind me. Throughout the film, the baby made noises, not awful ones, just little squawks and sounds now and then. The toddler had to be taken out multiple times for its chatty-ness. Can’t blame the poor thing.

I love movies. My kids love movies. James and I usually go to a movie on date nights. Between the years of 2000 and 2006, I didn’t go to a movie unless it was a children’s film, or with James and we got a sitter. That is what happens when you have children. You make sacrifices. You make choices. It’s the way life works. You don’t drag your babies to whatever film you happen to want to see at the time just because YOU want to see it. It’s not fun for them, you or the fellow movie goers.

Yes, it’s real extravagant of me to be able to go to a movie in the middle of the day. Or is it? Actually, it’s quite thrifty of me. Ticket prices are cheaper. My kids are in school. I have other obligations for them in the evenings with their activities, or if James and I were to go together, we would have to pay for a sitter. So going to a movie in the middle of the day, is really like meeting a friend for lunch. About 15 bucks and a couple hours of free time.

So when I go to a movie. I like to enjoy it. I don’t like it ruined by animals or children. Call me a bitch, it’s just how I feel. I don’t know why people are so insensitive to the etiquette of going to the theater. Lately, I have to shush people, tell them to stop kicking my seat or glare at them for letting their kid play Doodle Jump on their iPad during the film. I’m a rule follower. I silence my cell phone, I don’t talk to my neighbor, I try to chew my popcorn only during the loud scenes and not during the poignant, quiet ones. I don’t rustle around in my purse for Red Vines. WHY can’t other people do the SAME??? Oh, and by the way, the dog chose to bark right when Katniss kissed Peeta in the cave.

If you don’t know the story, don’t go to the movie and ask your neighbor a bunch of questions towards the end during the climactic scene. I don’t want to overhear, “no remember the poison berries….yeah no, that’s in the second one….. oh, what about Gale…. does President Snow come back…..where’s Buttercup?” Geeze people!! SHUT UP!

I make sure my pets are safe at home during the day, and that my children are somewhere appropriate as well. Again- I’ve made the effort, so can THEY!

Consideration folks. It’s free. It’s not hard. Just takes a couple of seconds to think of someone other than yourself. If you use some consideration, your pets and children will thank you.

Oh yeah, Hunger Games was good. Go see it. Just check the theater for pets and babies first.

Helena (nuttier than squirrel turds) Bonham Carter

I was in college when I saw the movie A Room with a View. It was my first experience with a Merchant Ivory production. I loved the periods, costume and set direction and scenery of their films. I would cry just at the sheer beauty. What a sap I was! Then throw in some Puccini opera on the soundtrack- I was in love (sniff, sniff).

1990 or 1890 - big poofy hair was in.

This was my first exposure to Helena, who played Lucy Honeychurch. I thought she was lovely. That big mess of curly, dark hair. I wanted to wear an Edwardian dress with a big hat and stroll on green lawns of English estates. I had some long skirts and button down shirts in my closet. My then roommate- Ginhee- made me purge my ‘prairie looks’ as she called them. She didn’t understand my Merchant Ivory penchant for fashion. Well, I don’t blame her. By the way,  Merchant Ivory is two people not one. Ismail Merchant and James Ivory produced and directed a bunch of films in the 90s that I was obsessed with that all had the same style of culture, art and repressed passion.

Now Miss Bonham Carter wasn’t always perfect. It was reported that she cheated on Emma’s (Thompson) then husband Kenneth Branagh while they filmed Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein. Shame on them!

Poor Emma. But now Helena is with Tim Burton and they make the perfect couple.  Cooky meets crazy!

A match made in creative crazy heaven.

I loved Helena in Harry Potter as Bellatrix LaStrange. How perfect for her. Bellatrix eats the same squirrel food as Helena because she’s nutty too!

Bellatrix- this girl definitely poops squirrel turds- dontcha think?

Of course, last year, Helena’s portrayal as the Queen mum in The King’s Speech was poignant, loving, and completely devoid of any craziness.

2011 Best Picture; The King's Speech with Colin Firth

Who else can do the red carpet like Helena? It would be disappointing if she showed up in a ‘regular’ couture look.

I wasn’t a fan of Sweeney Todd. (shh, don’t tell her that.)   But I loved her as the Red Queen in Alice in Wonderland. Nothing beats the line, “I love a warm pig for my aching feet.” And who remembers her stint on Miami Vice? Ha! Betcha you forgot that.

I love everything she does down to her mismatched shoes. I probably wouldn’t let her babysit my kids, but I would love to do tequila shots with her and Tim. How fun would THAT be? Johnny Depp could show up too.

She has been nominated for an Academy Award twice. Maybe one day she’ll win. Or maybe not. I doubt she cares.

Thanks for keeping it real Helena.

Last year's Golden Globes and the mismatched shoes. Hey- they were the same brand, just one of each color.

Dear Readers, There’s an obsession I’ve been keeping from you.

I LOVE awards shows. I know! God forbid you have to watch those boring award shows that go on for hours. Most of you would rather have bamboo shoved up under your fingernails.

I guess it’s not a secret that I like movies. I’m not one of those Indie film buffs that scoffs at the Academy Awards. Far from it. I ADORE the Oscars. It’s a love affair that started when I was 8 years old. I watched the Academy honor Chariots of Fire with the best picture award instead of Raiders of the Lost Ark. English men running in slow motion to Vangelis is not as exciting to a 3rd grader as Indiana Jones running away from a giant paper mache ball. But anyway, it didn’t change my feelings for the Academy. I don’t hold a grudge.

Instead, ever since that night that dazzled me watching all those movie stars, I loyally perched myself on my couch for the 4  hour marathon each year, to see which cinematic legacy would be awarded. Unlike that first year I watched where Ark lost to Fire, I have agreed mostly with the Academy’s decisions. Hurt Locker vs. Avatar; The Kings Speech vs. Black Swan (thank God)…However, I didn’t like Unforgiven winning over Howard’s End. I have a love affair with Emma Thompson, okay? At least she won best actress that year. And The Departed beating The Queen or Little Miss Sunshine? Oh well. I realize Martin Scorsese is awesome, so I will let it go.

Oh Emma how I love thee. Could it be coincidence my first born is named after you?

One day I will attend the Oscars. I always dreamed I would go as a nominee. Yeah, that ship has sailed. Unless they come up with an honorary nominee of lifetime achievement watching movies from a couch, I’m not qualified.

But I still put it out there in the universe that I will attend the Oscars. I will see movie greatness in person. By then studios will be greedy corrupt conglomerates and there will be like 20 best picture nominees. Oh wait… we’re almost to that point. What is up with 10 nominees for best picture?

Still, I probably won’t be wearing the Bob Mackie dress I envisioned myself in when I was 13. Yes, it had more fabric than Cher’s getup. Maybe Valentino, Zac Posen, Dolce & Gabbana. Oh wait- I don’t have the body for safety pins up the side D&G style.

Ohh, you go gurrll!!

Or maybe it will be from Nordstrom Rack like my Grammy dress. Either way, I will go and I will probably tinkle in my SPANX yet again.

Let’s hope I go before I’m 80. It would be so nice to be able to wear SPANX instead of Depends. Well, that could be sooner than 80…

This year, I will be wearing Lululemon Haute Couture and eating quinoa cakes with almond milk, while  sipping oolong tea. Emma and I might go wild and have a Rice Dream frozen sandwich and some homemade popcorn sprinkled with nutritional yeast. It will be so much fun.

And in case you are wondering. I will never host an Oscar party. I can’t possibly enjoy my show while trying to see to everyone’s drinks and hors  dourves and shushing everyone. That’s not fun.

Until I’m there at the Kodak Theater, or wherever they will be in 2030, I will watch comfortably on my couch.

If anyone knows any producers of the show, boom operators on the red carpet, spray tan facilitators for Ryan Seacrest, or towel holders in the ladies’ restroom- I’m happy to be hooked up. Hey- putting it out in the universe is the first step Oprah would say.

I will be blogging incessantly about the Oscars until Monday. Next will be about  my love affair with Meryl Streep. My devotion to Helena Bonham Carter and how she’s nuttier than squirrel turds, but how I love her anyway. And also, how Glenn Close really deserves one of those gold statues sometime soon.

Yes, you cheated on Emma with Kenneth, but you are the craziest cat and I love you for it.

How has she not won yet?

I love Billy Crystal, but I’m a Hugh Jackman fan, so I would really appreciate it if they brought him back. Leave Anne Hathaway to her movies though and James Franco to his writing and art. Thank you.

My ridiculous and frivolous review of the Golden Globes that is completely unneccessary.

Let me just say that I told you so. Whatever I have said, the big money reviewers and writers will say the same thing. If you even bother to read them.

So I’ve had several vodka tonics,  I can’t be responsible for content:

What was with Madonna? Can she thaw just a little bit please? Since when is the Material Girl so freakin’ serious? When she went up to accept her award for best song for W/E, a movie which she also directed, she was stoic, silent and calculating in her words. I thought someone died. Or she was going to dedicate her award to something important. No, she was just pontificating in her fake British accent. How I wish she would lighten up. Or remove the stick up her ass.

Best line of the evening:

When Seth Rogan comes out with Kate Beckinsale and says, “I’m Seth Rogan, and I am hiding an enormous erection.” To the commencing of giggles from Kate Beckinsale and she couldn’t read the teleprompter. I will confess, James would probably concur. He wouldn’t say so though on TV for millions to hear.

Best presenting duo-

Tina Fey and Jane Lynch. Carry on…

Hottest presenting duo

Channing Tatum and Jessica Alba

Movies I haven’t seen, but need to-

The Artiste

The Descendants

  • Congrats to Octavia Spencer for winning for her portrayal in The Help. That movie was so many things. And I think she feels the same way too. Way to go and she had a wonderful quote from Dr. King in her speech.
  • Shame on NBC for putting a short leash on Ricky Gervais. What are you afraid of? He only says what we all think.

Favorite Anglophile Thespian:

Kate Winslet. Beautiful, poised, talented and always real.

Old fella still Rockin it:

Sydney Poitier. Damn he’s distinguished.

Older woman still Rockin it:

Helen Mirren (second favorite Anglophile Thespian)

  • I love me a video montage of an actor’s career. Morgan Freeman is a stud. From Electric Company to Invictus. God love him.

Skinniest woman that I want to hate but hey, if it’s her metabolism that makes her so thin after three children then okay:

Angelina Jolie

  • Kudos for Modern Family and Sofia Vergara’s acceptance speech.

Worst dress on a hot woman:

Jessica Biel decided to wear her wedding dress to Justin Timerlake with her Spanx briefs showing.

Actress who always acts like she’s not expecting it, but deserves it every year:

Meryl Streep

Actress who still does her Jazzercize DVD’s even though she’s like 90 years old:

Jane Fonda. Can’t deny that she’s still hot from the neck down.

  • okay so The Artiste won instead of Bridesmaids. Whatever. I guess it’s cinematic or something. Nothing beats Melissa McCarthy in the bridal shop. Period.
  • Apparently I have to see Shame. Michael Fassbender can play golf without a club according to George Clooney.
  • Dear Harrison Ford: Please remove your earring. You are not in college or in a garage band. Thanks.

I guess before the Oscars I will be seeing the Descendants. I think it’s going to win Best Picture. I said it here first.

Mahalo.