I was actually surprised when I heard the news last week that Katie Holmes was filing for divorce from Tom Cruise. Not that their union was ideal or even real… but I thought TomKat had a few more years on the contract. <Cough> I mean, pre nup, <cough> whatever the fuck they arranged between them. And between just you and me, I have a feeling that little Suri is the most spoiled brat on the planet. This is purely speculation on my part. I know she is just an innocent pawn in all this, but don’t you think that she probably raises hell between the nannies, Scientology chaperones and Katie? I bet she has Tom just wrapped around her little Burberry mittened finger.
Okay, so here is a warning, or ‘heads up’ if you will to the next woman to fall to Tom’s charms as written by Katie, in my imagination, based on tabloid fodder. Don’t sue me.
Oh, I’m sorry. It’s just that you will have to be a doormat to make this relationship work. When you realize you’re tired of being a doormat, that is when the relationship will have run its course.
Tom is very charming in the beginning of the relationship. He will pay someone to have your car detailed for you. He will fly your parents out to a fancy hotel and take you all shopping at Bergdorf Goodmans. He will pay for dinner and no one will notice the kool-aid being served that looks like Champagne.
He will try to get you to carry his devil/alien/Scientology spawn as quickly as possible. Trust me. I got knocked up within the first 6 months we were dating. This assured me, he said, that I would get more in the pre-nup because Scientology will use that child’s DNA for future alien/celebrity spawn. This is used in fertility clinics throughout Beverly Hills. Why do you think all the celebrities have twins?
Make sure to compliment him all the time. Whatever you do, don’t mention the height thing. It really irks him. Oh, and don’t point out to him either, that his face looks different from his early movies. This is not surgery. His nose is EXACTLY the same. The only thing that’s changed on him are his teeth which he publicly corrected with braces a few years ago. This is the ONLY thing that has changed on him. DO NOT mention surgery. By the third date, he’ll probably show you his hyperbaric chamber that only Scientology followers get. John Travolta has one too.
This brings us to his friends. Don’t criticize Johnny. They are good ‘friends’. They like to take saunas together, go shopping at the Izod store and spend secret weekends in the Poconos. Kelly is tolerant about this. You will be too.
Another thing NEVER to mention is the ‘couch’ incident. Or Oprah. Or the movie Legend.
No Tom isn’t gay. He doesn’t understand where any of those rumors even started. Just ask Nicole. Actually, scratch that. I think Nicole started those rumors.
Oh, and most importantly- whenever you have sex, (and it wasn’t often, first wife Mimi did elude to him entering monkdom status) he wants you to call him Maverick. Also, you need to yell, at the point of climax, “I can’t handle the truth!” He’s convinced that his sperm is magic. He has magic semen that sparkles. It doesn’t really, but he likes to think so. So just tell him this and he’ll be happy. If you whisper in his ear, ‘take it right in to the danger zone’, then he’ll pretty much want to please you like he’s jumping on a couch. OH, darn it. I mentioned the couch again. DON’T go there.
Okay, there you go. That’s the gist of it all. Good luck. Don’t expect anything to develop or flourish with your career, family or friends. At first the novelty of isolation is relaxing. But then, you get really tired of those chaperones.
Well, I’m outta here. My girlfriends and I are going to Vegas. I’m going to do body shots and dance in a cage (that’s not a metaphor or anything).
P.S. If only Nicole had written ME this letter. Just disregard everything I’ve said and RUN!