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From Graham Moore to Lady Gaga to Glory, my most prized Oscar moments reviewed

Here we are. The Oscars. You love them. You hate them. You’re above all the Hollywood kiss buttness, or you’ve got a paid subscription to it. Ahem <cough> me. Paid in full.

I love the Oscars. I watch the Oscars like it’s religion. No. Wait. Better than religion. I fall asleep in church (no offense Pastor), but I don’t fall asleep watching the Oscars. You just never know what’s going to happen. And face it, all that spray tan and fashion and cleavage is very eye catching.

Even if you HATED the Oscars this year or HATED the movies this year, you had to love certain moments.

Let me break them down for you.

It might be hard for me to remember that far back, considering the show started 3 days ago and I’m sitting here growing a beard longer than Matthew Maccaughnheyeey’s. DUDE. I can never spell his name without looking it up.

In no particular order whatsoever:

When JK Simmons won his Oscar for Best Supporting Actor and he told us to call our parents. Not just email them or text them, but to call them. Which my mama knows that I am not interrupting my Oscar telecast to call her. Bless her heart. But she’ll hear from me. Probably tonight in an email. That’s okay though. She knows I love her. Did you call your mom or dad?

Then when the director of Ida from Poland won the Best Foreign Language Film and was talking over the music and then the music finally finished but he was still talking. That’s how it’s done! Give the English is a Second Language People some extra time folks. It’s not fair!

Who didn’t love a Lego Oscar statue handed to Oprah during the Everything Is Awesome musical number? I’m sure she knew that was the only one tonight that she was getting. But bravo to her for being the first black female producer nominated.

Okay, I can’t wait. I have to cut to John Travolta and Idina Menzel doing their whole shtick over the “Adele Dazeem” fiasco of last year. BUT THEN, but then John had to go and ruin it and touch Idina’s face! If anyone touches my face I will cut them. I’m sure she was all thinking, “dude, why are you touching my face, there’s like two hundred dollars worth of cosmetics and shit that have been painstakingly placed on here, do not touch my face. Have you washed your hands recently?” Because that is what I would be thinking if someone was touching my face. But props to her for just being a true sport.

And then, and then, OH MY GOSH, OH MY GOSH, the best part ever of the whole night ever, ever, in the night of all Oscar nights. Like, even better than any previous years when Adele sang or Beyonce sang, or that cute couple from Once sang, but when the lights came up on the orchestra and forest of trees and Lady Gaga all sillhoutted as a lonely goatherd (just kidding) and she did the whole “The Hills Are Alive….” and she NAILED IT! YES, THAT!

gaga sound of music

All night long, everyone was all, “Gaga’s doing a tribute to Julie Andrews.” “Oh my gosh, how can Gaga do Sound of Music?” “Heaven help us all Gaga is going to sing Edelweiss wearing a Miss Piggy hat” or whatever.

But in the back of my mind, I’m thinking, “Dude, this chick can sing. What is everyone worried about? Tony Bennett has been touring with her and put his career on the line all year doing duets with her. Do you NOT know this?”

And then boom. With the first melodious, “The hills are alive….” the room went <GASP> and jaws dropped, and goosebumps popped up and Twitter exploded, and the universe of Gaga Hating, Sound of Music loving people collided into a rainbow of fruit flavors that was more scrumptious than a bag of Skittles or a Reese’s peanut butter cup.

I just sat back with Emma while the tears rolled down our cheeks and we were all “Hell yes!”

And then, AND THEN… Julie Andrews actually comes on stage and hugs Gaga and you can tell Gaga is all verklempt because this, this, people is DAME JULIE ANDREWS and she’s all “Thank you Lady Gaga for that lovely tribute.” And you’re all, “what the fuck did I just hear?” Because anyone who didn’t like that number is dead to me. Dead, I say.

gaga and julie andrews

And yes, this was after the glorious musical number of Glory from the movie Selma, performed by Common and John Legend. And not to take away from that performance, but everyone knew that performance was going to be amazing. And it was. The set direction of the Edmund Pettis Bridge was fantastic with the people marching, Common coming from the streets in the distance and not to mention their victory speech for winning Best Song when John Legend mentioned the fact that the number of incarcerated black men is more than that of the slaves in captivity in 1850. A disturbing statistic to say the least.

We can’t overlook the fact that two recipients, both the adapted screenplay winner for The Imitation Game and the producers of Crisis Hotline: Veterans Press 1 for documentary short; mentioned suicide.

The pained and troubled people of this world need a voice, need to be heard. We need to talk about suicide. And God bless Graham Moore who accepted his award with these words, ” I would like for this moment to be for that kid out there that feels like she’s weird, or she’s different, or she doesn’t fit in anywhere. Yes, you do. I promise, you do.”

A movie like Crisis Hotline is needed more than we think. Twenty two veterans commit suicide a day. A day.

graham moore quote

To keep this post less long than an Oscar telecast, I will skip so many details but just gush about Patricia Arquette’s acceptance speech. You know the one where she said that basically all us who have given birth to everyone else deserve equal pay and equal rights. And if you think that’s too political for an awards show then, sorry. I guess you don’t want equal pay or equal rights. Because why not say things at an award show? Heck her character in Boyhood plays a single mother. And she played that character for 12 years. She can talk about equal pay and equal rights.  But what made that moment even more glorious was Jennifer Lopez and Meryl Streep in the front row cheering her on. Because even though those women have a bajillion dollars between them, they know the plight of the everywoman. The woman who gets up to get her kids to school or puts off vacation to save for college, or gets passed over for a promotion or has to fight insurance companies for birth control coverage. They know. So yeah, preach it Patricia.

meryl and jlo during arquettes speech

Eddie Redmayne’s portrayal of Stephen Hawking in The Theory of Everything deserved every inch of that win and the gold statue that he dedicated to victims of ALS around the world.

Julianne Moore FINALLY won an Oscar. This dame has been nominated like 22 times and always gets edged out. But finally, she got her glory. And like a true talent and gentlelady she is, made sure to give honor to the Alzheimer’s community and the recognition they deserve.

So maybe you hated the movie Birdman that won for Best Picture. Or maybe you loved it. I think we can all agree that just because our favorite picture doesn’t win an Oscar that year doesn’t mean we need to give up on movies, or award shows in general. After all, there’s still enough entertainment, humanity and gosh darn inspiration to get us to keep coming back for more. Right?

Like my friend Sandy says, “I don’t always like the movies, but I appreciate the gifts and talents that create them.”

And that my friends is my Oscar recap. Join me again next year when maybe I will have attended the show itself. I might post a selfie with Benedict Cumberbatch if I do. Mark my words.

 

 

 

 

 

You’re welcome Meryl.

I know, I know. Oscars Schmoscars. Are you tired of hearing about them yet? Me too. Kind of. But just read one more. Please?

My post last week about Meryl, Bow down to greatness, oh Meryl, I’m betting on you, was my ode to her career. Her last trip up the Oscar steps to receive the statue was 30 years ago.

So don’t gripe that she always wins. She doesn’t. She’s always NOMINATED.

Vegas, all the online polls, and the Red Carpet polls had predicted Viola Davis to win. She was wonderful in The Help. She was outstanding and probably had the role of her career. Every one of those women nominated in that category should have won. They were fabulous-Michelle, Glenn, Rooney, Viola, Meryl—- it was a talentgasm.

But sorry Viola- the night belonged to Meryl.

She even wore a gold dress to foreshadow her best accessory. Just like I said, she wore little makeup, swept up her hair, and threw on a dress, and looked fabulous.

So I just want to say, you are welcome Meryl. I put it out there in the universe that you should win. And you did. Your acceptance speech was brilliant too. I wouldn’t expect anything less.

Congrats to you, Iron Lady

Dear Readers, There’s an obsession I’ve been keeping from you.

I LOVE awards shows. I know! God forbid you have to watch those boring award shows that go on for hours. Most of you would rather have bamboo shoved up under your fingernails.

I guess it’s not a secret that I like movies. I’m not one of those Indie film buffs that scoffs at the Academy Awards. Far from it. I ADORE the Oscars. It’s a love affair that started when I was 8 years old. I watched the Academy honor Chariots of Fire with the best picture award instead of Raiders of the Lost Ark. English men running in slow motion to Vangelis is not as exciting to a 3rd grader as Indiana Jones running away from a giant paper mache ball. But anyway, it didn’t change my feelings for the Academy. I don’t hold a grudge.

Instead, ever since that night that dazzled me watching all those movie stars, I loyally perched myself on my couch for the 4  hour marathon each year, to see which cinematic legacy would be awarded. Unlike that first year I watched where Ark lost to Fire, I have agreed mostly with the Academy’s decisions. Hurt Locker vs. Avatar; The Kings Speech vs. Black Swan (thank God)…However, I didn’t like Unforgiven winning over Howard’s End. I have a love affair with Emma Thompson, okay? At least she won best actress that year. And The Departed beating The Queen or Little Miss Sunshine? Oh well. I realize Martin Scorsese is awesome, so I will let it go.

Oh Emma how I love thee. Could it be coincidence my first born is named after you?

One day I will attend the Oscars. I always dreamed I would go as a nominee. Yeah, that ship has sailed. Unless they come up with an honorary nominee of lifetime achievement watching movies from a couch, I’m not qualified.

But I still put it out there in the universe that I will attend the Oscars. I will see movie greatness in person. By then studios will be greedy corrupt conglomerates and there will be like 20 best picture nominees. Oh wait… we’re almost to that point. What is up with 10 nominees for best picture?

Still, I probably won’t be wearing the Bob Mackie dress I envisioned myself in when I was 13. Yes, it had more fabric than Cher’s getup. Maybe Valentino, Zac Posen, Dolce & Gabbana. Oh wait- I don’t have the body for safety pins up the side D&G style.

Ohh, you go gurrll!!

Or maybe it will be from Nordstrom Rack like my Grammy dress. Either way, I will go and I will probably tinkle in my SPANX yet again.

Let’s hope I go before I’m 80. It would be so nice to be able to wear SPANX instead of Depends. Well, that could be sooner than 80…

This year, I will be wearing Lululemon Haute Couture and eating quinoa cakes with almond milk, while  sipping oolong tea. Emma and I might go wild and have a Rice Dream frozen sandwich and some homemade popcorn sprinkled with nutritional yeast. It will be so much fun.

And in case you are wondering. I will never host an Oscar party. I can’t possibly enjoy my show while trying to see to everyone’s drinks and hors  dourves and shushing everyone. That’s not fun.

Until I’m there at the Kodak Theater, or wherever they will be in 2030, I will watch comfortably on my couch.

If anyone knows any producers of the show, boom operators on the red carpet, spray tan facilitators for Ryan Seacrest, or towel holders in the ladies’ restroom- I’m happy to be hooked up. Hey- putting it out in the universe is the first step Oprah would say.

I will be blogging incessantly about the Oscars until Monday. Next will be about  my love affair with Meryl Streep. My devotion to Helena Bonham Carter and how she’s nuttier than squirrel turds, but how I love her anyway. And also, how Glenn Close really deserves one of those gold statues sometime soon.

Yes, you cheated on Emma with Kenneth, but you are the craziest cat and I love you for it.

How has she not won yet?

I love Billy Crystal, but I’m a Hugh Jackman fan, so I would really appreciate it if they brought him back. Leave Anne Hathaway to her movies though and James Franco to his writing and art. Thank you.

Oh really, you’re too kind. No really, you shouldn’t have. Okay, yes you should.

How’s this for irony? Last night I was watching the Kennedy Center Honors. Meryl Streep was being honored. ‘Nuff said. She is the BOMB. It was fantastic and she looks fantastic and one day I will meet her. Oprah says if you put it out there in the universe then it will happen. So there.

I went to bed dreaming of Meryl, the Oscars and how I will congratulate her on her win, because the woman has been nominated 16 times and she’s bound to be nominated for the 17th time this year and they sure as hell better just give  her the damn thing. I also thought of Rooney Mara, because she is just really cool.

And then I woke up and saw that a fellow WordPress blogger had honored me with the 7 x 7 Award! Yay me!

This was bestowed upon me by The Dissemination of Thought. A clever guy that writes and feels I’m clever too. That, or it’s just a cruel joke, like in Little House on the Prairie when they nominated that one kid for class president only to make him do yucky, awful things.

I’m supposed to list 7 of my blog posts and what is so great about them. These are hand picked by me and not my mother. So they will probably have swear words, and Daniel Craig. Poor James.

Here goes:

Most Beautiful- My post to my dad on his 80th birthday. So sweet. Ode to My Dad

Most Helpful- I would like to say my post about surviving the holidays, or any of my product features, but in reality it was my post called Medicated and Proud of It. A lot of people related to my rants on how to survive the day to day and see through the bullshit.

Most Popular– My post for Ashley and her completion of chemo. I think her whole family read it, that’s why it was such a busy site day! Dedicated to Ashley

Most Controversial– Well, I’m guessing it was my post on the show Glee and teen sex. Go figure. Glee- Coming out, First Times, and More Parental Anxiety

Most Surprisingly Successful– This sounds like, ‘oh, I wrote this and thought it was crap, but apparently you’re either stupid or it was better than I thought’. It was my fantastic list on parenting. Things You’ll Do Because You Are Parents

Most Underrated- Definitely my post on Ben & Jerry’s Schweddy Balls. Dang I thought this one was superb! Dear Ben and Jerry’s

Most Pride-worthy– Only because it probably means more to me than anyone else. When Owen gushed his love for us at Thanksgiving. My Cup Runneth Over and My Heart Melteth and My Eyes Teareth

So there you have it. See for yourself what you think. I have like frickin’ 60 posts published, so there’s lots to choose from. Go ahead, waste your time and read all of them.

You’re welcome.

Here’s 7 blogs I enjoy too that I’ve bestowed the 7 x 7 Link Award. Like a chain letter sort of.

Never Done it That Way Before

Run DMT

Stay Out of My Head

On My Square

Becoming Cliche

Mixed Gems

Yummy Mummy