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“This book kicks suburban ass”

Hit list– Yoga pant wearing over-achieving Pinterest moms on crack. Or maybe just on too many skinny lattes.

Assassin– Jen of People I Want to Punch in the Throat

Mission– To sell as many books as possible that kick ultimate suburban ass

You may or may not have guessed over the last year, I’ve had a little bit of a girl crush on my friend and mentor, Jen who writes the acerbic and gutsy blog, People I Want to Punch in the Throat. Having self published 3 books in the last 18 months, this is her Random House debut, and honestly, I sure as hell hope it’s her debut on the New York Time’s Best Seller’s List.

Her book, “People I Want to Punch in the Throat; Competitive Crafters, Drop-off Despots, and Other Suburban Scourges” hits shelves this week.

In it, she chronicles her match-made-in-AOL-heaven romance with her tight-wad, somewhat stingy (sorry Ebenezer) husband, her journey into motherhood that leads to play dates, PTA meetings and themed birthday parties, among other things.

If you’ve ever wanted to flip off that  one car at school drop-off, you know there’s always THAT parent, the one that thinks the rules don’t apply to them; then you will love this book.   Jen will have you laughing out loud at her observations and keen wit, between her pajama attired self at pick up, to her undying love and loyalty to her cleaning lady. Then there’s the chapters that your jaw will drop from the sheer audacity of some of these suburban ‘scourges’ she describes!

 

I was able to interview Jen for this book review. Don’t worry, I didn’t ask her what kind of tree she would be. But in the case of great interviews, kind of like, but totally different than let’s say, Frost/Nixon, I end with the all time question of ‘Shag, Marry or Kill”.

It’s always fun to get a little back story about the author. So here goes.

Me: “So Jen, Did you ever find your ring bearer’s pillow? Was it among the sex toys?” (What the heck? Hmm… read the book to find out more!)

Jen: “No! That poor, stupid pillow. It’s never turned up. I even moved from that house and I was sure we’d find it on the top shelf of the pantry or some place random like that, but nope. Now I think it got thrown out the day I received it. It was very small and light and I think it got tossed out in a bag of wrapping paper and tissue. So sad!”

Me: “What should I do if I’m too scared to hire a cleaning lady because my house is so dirty and cluttered? My baseboards are filthy and I think the dust bunnies are breeding.”

Jen: “This is why it’s so important to get a cleaning lady who you trust. She’s going to see what you shove under your bed and she’s going to know what a pig you are. It sounds like you’ll probably need to do a bit of sweep with a high powered vacuum before you bring in someone. Bring her in the day after you’ve dusted and tell her it’s been months since you last did anything. She’ll still think you’re a hot mess, but she won’t know the truth. Then, once you find someone you love, keep her happy. Shower her with praise and gifts. Let her know how important she is to you. Romance her a bit. Good luck!”

Me: “That’s excellent advice Jen. I’ll get to cleaning and then interviewing. Hopefully I find one that has an understanding of my obsession with beauty products that cover every inch of my bathroom.”

Me: “What do you have against the cereal Krave? I buy that by 3 boxes at a time.”

Jen: “Because I’ve never tasted it, I guess I have nothing against it. However, between the name, the design on the box, and the commercials, I’m assuming it’s cereal laced with heroin and crack. You might think I have no standards when it comes to feeding my kids, but every now and again I surprise even myself and say “No.””

Me: “You might be right about the crack part. You mean, ‘krack’.

Speaking of hanging out eating cereal all day. Have you ever considered Pajama Jeans? They’re really practical in lounging all day and not actually looking like pajamas. Eh hem.”

Jen: “My daughter tried to buy me a pair last year for Christmas. She thought they would solve all of my problems with one stretchy pair of pants. They seemed a little fancy for me. I’m not sure I can pull them off.”

Me: “Would you rather go to a Pinterest themed cat’s wedding or dog’s funeral? ”

Jen: “Wow, this one is tough. I’m going to go with cat wedding. I may not like dogs a whole lot, but a funeral is still sad. I’d rather enjoy the joining of two cats in holy matrimony. Plus, I’m hoping that one would have an open bar and a karaoke machine at the reception.”

Me: “Karaoke! We could sing a duet to Wicked! You have an alter ego as a realtor. Will you ever write a realtor’s Tell-All?”

Jen: “Oh, I don’t think I can. I think I’ve signed something legal-like that says I can’t dish on my clients. I could talk about my co-worker’s clients though. They’ve got better stories than me any way.”

Me: “Are you sure? That swingers party was some good dish! I think you should consider it. Speaking of swingers, do you have any piercings or tattoos?”

Jen: “No and after visiting a water park last summer, I’ve decided that I’m the only person in America without any piercings or tattoos.”

Me: “You can count me in on the no tattoos/piercings club too. What would you do if Adolpha came home with a face tattoo?”

Jen: “Cry and then give her a paper sack to wear over her head for the rest of her life.”

Me: “There’s really good concealer these days at Sephora. She could upgrade from a paper sack if she needed to.

Okay. Now for the grand finale. My favorite game of—–

Marry, Shag or Kill- Your choices are- Tom Hilddleston, Benedict Cumberbatch, Jon Stewart. Now go!”

Jen: “This is easily the hardest question for me. You’re really killing me. I adore all of these guys. OK, here we go:

Shag: Tom Hilddleston and then join a polygamist compound and marry BOTH Benny and Jonny.”

Me: “Way to take the easy way out! Although, I’m probably in the same boat with you.”

Thanks Jen for playing along with my interview. And congratulations on a hilariously funny and revealing book!

Find People I Want to Punch in the Throat; Competitive Crafters, Drop-off Despots, and Other Suburban Scourges” everywhere; Barnes & Noble, Amazon, iTunes and independent book stores.

I gave this book my 5-star Amazon and Goodreads review. Go read it for yourself!

 

Frugie reviews the new book, People I Want to Punch in the Throat

Reason To Live Friday #33- Dreamin’ big people

So this book thing has been going really well. If you don’t know about the book, then here it is-

I know what you’re thinking. I thought the same thing- that is the cleanest toilet I’ve ever seen.

It’s available on iTunes and Amazon. It is #1 in the Humor  category on both charts. Well, it was yesterday anyway. #1!!

We are 37 ‘mom bloggers’ (whatever that means) who each contributed an essay for this entire anthology that was compiled under the wise and tender care of Jen from People I Want to Punch in The Throat. This is a self-published book and we have come this freaking far just by word of mouth. Yes. You heard that right.

So we are hoping to rock the publishing world and take them all by storm. I mean, someone has to get Daniel Craig and Tina Fey to notice me for their next movies, right? So we need your help. We ask you that buy several copies. One for every room in the house, a kindle version, and several as gifts. Oh, and tell your friends to buy it too.

For fun, we all pitched in our ideas for auditions if our book would go to audio version and if it was to be read by a celebrity. No, I didn’t audition Daniel. I tried, but he was a little busy training for his next Bond movie.

Click on over to the wonderful and talented Susan of Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva so you can see what a few of us came up with.

Click for “Celebrity Audio Auditions ‘HERE’.” You will laugh, I promise!

Here’s one pic I didn’t submit, but you get the idea.

BUY THE BOOK

It’s a Punch in the Throat book giveaway!!

Is it Christmas time already? Are you disgusted with those sappy commercials and Black Friday store hours before you’ve even put your blasted Butter Ball in the oven for Thanksgiving?

Well, have I got a treat for you and your commiserating self.

Nineteen of your favorite mom humor bloggers had a meeting and we all agreed. There’s a brand new book that we think you NEED to read this holiday season. The title says it all.

Spending The Holidays With People I Want To Punch In The Throat is a heartwarming (yes, really!) collection of hilarious holiday-themed personal stories and observations written by none other than Jen of the well-known blog People I Want To Punch in the Throat

If the holidays have you stressing about gift giving, cookie decorating, or where in the world to put your Elf on the Shelf, then you need to take a mommy time out and read a chapter or two.

And now you can have a chance to peruse the pages for free. Consider it our holiday gift to you. We are teaming up to give away 19 copies of the book. All you have to do is enter the giveaway using the Rafflecopter form over to the right for your chance to win an AUTOGRAPHED copy!

We promise that it is both endearing and hilarious, but you don’t have to take our word for it. Here is where I read the part about what it would be like to write the perfect Christmas letter if you happen to be an Over Achieving Mom. Notice my fancy Christmas shirt and turtleneck I wore special for the occasion.

See? Told you. Now you want your own copy right? Well, Jen generously donated an autographed copy to every blogger participating in this giveaway so that we could increase your chances to win. You can enter using Rafflecopter. This giveaway is open to US residents only.

“But wait, that’s not all!” we say in our best Price is Right announcer voice. We couldn’t get a bunch of tech-savvy moms together for a book giveaway and not bring you an eReader, right? So we are also giving away a Kindle Fire!

Click the photo of the Kindle to take you to the Rafflecopter entry.

NINETEEN winners will receive a copy of Spending The Holidays With People I Want To Punch In The Throat and ONE lucky Grand Prize winner will receive a Kindle Fire! What are you waiting for? Get clicking!  Contest ends at midnight on November 20th. Enter today and every day until then! Don’t just take my word for here. Click here and read the reviews!

 

Ooh, mama’s pimp wagon

Okay, that makes no sense. I do not employ hookers, I am not giving pimps rides to their ‘hoods. My daughter used this phrase the other day. I shudder to think if she knows what a pimp actually is. What I’m really talking about, is my sweet ride- the minivan.

okay, THIS is a pimp car.

You know you want one.

I’m about to go somewhere so controversial, so visceral with some readers, it’s going to give you white knuckles, beads of sweat over your top lip, heart palpitations.

I like my minivan.

Boom. I said it. Yeah. Hell, it’s in my blog bio for crikey’s sake: Mom of 2, wife of 1 and I drive a minivan.

Holla bitches!

Okay, so some of you wonder why I swear in my blog and rarely in real life. Yes it’s my alter ego. But seriously- I’m a woman of cliche’s. I was PTA president, live in the ‘burbs, drive a minivan and wear yoga pants like a uniform.

I gotta have me some swagga. Like Ke$ha waking up in a bathtub filled with bodily fluids that aren’t her own, like Steven Tyler wandering the streets looking for dudes that look like ladies, like Colin Ferrill going to a paternity test at the clinic… I need to live through the page! The WORD people!!

I’m getting off topic. My post is about minivans.

Why do people hate them so much? Geeze! My super blog diva friend PEOPLE I WANT TO PUNCH IN THE THROAT confessed to her readers that she wants a minivan. She has like 30,000 fans on her Facebook page, which says two things: 1)My fans need to get busy, cuz I’m way behind. 2) There’s a lot of people that think she’s the bomb.

So if she says she wants a minivan that’s cool right? Wrong! Boy did she get hundreds of comments and some people were just downright mean.

For example:

“Just because I have kids doesn’t mean I need to tell the world by driving a minivan.”

What does this comment actually mean? Tell the world? When you go out in public as a family, aren’t you telling the world then?

I could sympathize if she said, “Just because I have kids doesn’t mean I need to show off my saggy ass and stretch marks in a bikini to the world”. Okay, this makes sense to me.

Here’s another:

“I would die in a minivan. I would much prefer my SUV.”

Okay, you would die in a minivan? People this is what I call a FWP (First World Problem). Really? If you did die, there would be plenty of room to stretch out.  OH SNAP!

I don’t go ragging on all you SUV drivers. Most minivans and SUVs get the same miles per gallon. They can have the same seating capacity. I don’t know why you need some big hulking beast of a vehicle to go to the mall or drop your kids off at school, but hey, if it works for you, then great.

I do like my slidey doors on my Odyssey. I know for certain I have saved many a dings on cars parked next to me.

Do I want to have a ‘real car’ one day? Sure! Will I miss the roomy interior and automatic doors and the fact that you can walk to the back of the van practically standing up? Yes!

But let me just say this in honor of my minivan-

It’s a Honda- so it’s a beast and has stayed strong for 100,000 miles + (knock on serious wood here)

It has more horsepower than your average car on the street. My favorite- when I take on one of those FAST and the FURIOUS wannabes at a stop light. You know what I’m talking about. Some 19 year old kid with his cap on sideways in his souped up Acura

You've all seen these at a stop light near you.

Integra with the bass pumping and his really loud, obnoxious tail pipe and he thinks he’s going to over take me. BWAAHAHAHA!!

Take that you Fast and Furious wannabes!

I like to speed away and wave and smile, pump my fist up in the air, toss my hair and blare Adele over my speakers. Yeah- this mama owns the road peeps!

Also- I can parallel park like nobody’s business and I can park in those shitty stalls in the parking garages we have downtown. Let me see your Escalade do that!

SO there you have it. My ode to the minivan. I’m proud. It’s all good.

And no, I don’t have those little stick figure stickers on the back window of our family members and the cat and dog. I don’t have a bumper sticker about my honors student, and I don’t have a side mirror that’s held on with duct tape. I have one bumper sticker I never had the guts to put on the back. James thought it sent a bad message to our neighbors.

He’s like, what does that mean actually?

What DOES this mean?

He’s got a point. Especially with all these ‘pimp’ connotations.