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I’d like a side of herpes to go with that lipstick please.

EWW GROSS!  I jest. But lately, I think that’s what people are doing. Spreading their oral herpes liberally via makeup at the store.  This has to stop people.

This week has been riddled with bringing things home from the store only to find that they have been…. dun dun dun…… USED!!!

People!  What is wrong with you? Don’t you know that you don’t use the lipsticks on the shelf if they aren’t testers? I don’t want your Abreva medicine on MY lipstick tube.

Case 1- Went to Walgreens because I found on Pinterest a gal that posts low end brands identical to high end brands. Being the makeup whore that I am, I wanted to check out a few. So I’m perusing the shelves of Cover Girl, Revlon and L’Oreal. Not that I would call this stuff ‘low end’ any more. They’re charging $10 for a lipstick now! Geeze, I remember when I bought a Clinique lipstick for $10.

Well, I just went through looking for the colors on my list, dropped them in my basket and checked out.

I get in my car, like any junkie does, and begin to open up my purchase to check out the loot. Apparently, I didn’t have much to check out, first tube I open, I notice the seal has been broken. Dammit. Total brain fart maneuver for me not to have checked this in the store first. I proceed with caution. I know the herpes isn’t going to jump from the tube to my lips, but I’ve now begun conducting my own CSI investigation. Gloves on, black light out…. I notice…. the surface of the lipstick has been touched by human flesh. Double dammit.

Moving on to the next tube. Yep, same thing there.

Three items that I bought were contaminated. I went inside to check the shelf and the remaining products were also tampered with. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?? I pointed out to the Walgreens lady and she said that she’s tired of telling people to stop using the stuff because they get mad at her. Sounds like a fun job. Working at Walgreens AND getting stink eye looks from people tampering with merchandise.

Whatever happened to, ‘you mess it you buy it’? Although, I have knocked over 3 bottles of olive oil in the middle of Cost Plus World Market, and the mess that ensued was disastrous. How I’m even allowed in those stores at all is amazing.  I was relieved they didn’t hold me to the rule, “you break it, you buy it” during that incident.

Back to my infected product rant- later in the week, Emma and I are at Sephora killing time before we head in to a movie. I see two women over at the mirror with a Givenchy mascara tester, yes tester, thank goodness. BUT… and I mean a big BUT, they were putting it on directly from the TUBE using the WAND that comes with it. Anyone knows you use those little mini wands they have at the end caps and you only dip ONCE. No DOUBLE DIPPING. Now that tester has their conjunctivitis all over it.

I used to work at Clinique with Nordstrom. If you are at all familiar with Nordstrom’s liberal return policies, they take back ANYTHING. Well, they did in the 90s anyway. So people would return make up all the time. No biggy. That’s cool. And you can use it and decide you don’t like it and still return it. My favorite though were the customers that would nicely hand me the package, receipt, everything. Then I would ask if  there something wrong with it. You know, to utilize my skillful customer service skillz, because I was supposed to try and sell them something else. Hey, I worked on commission.

So they would say, no thanks, and then they would explain rather sheepishly, “I only used the lipstick once.” or “I only used the eye pencil once.”

And I would politely carry on with my uber friendly customer service. But in my head, the dialogue goes like this, “Oh, you only used it once? Well then I will put that in the USED ONLY ONCE DRAWER. We have a special discount for once used products. Like a roulette wheel of sorts. Great bargains!”

But I didn’t. I just smiled. I don’t care if you’ve used it ONCE or 43 times, that shit is going back to the manufacturer. Should I wipe it off and sell it to the next poor sod? No.

So that brings me to the Walgreens lipsticks. When I saw them in my car that they had been used, I totally thought of some nice lady, “I only used it once.” And then I pictured a puss-filled broken sore on her upper lip, and that’s why I returned them.

Lesson 1- Don’t use products on the shelves that are packaged specifically for tampering. If it’s sealed, don’t unseal it dammit!

Lesson 2- When using a tester, use the little doohickeys they provide and don’t double dip.

Lesson 3- I will never use a mascara at Sephora again.

Please don’t use makeup at the store if you have one of these.

Disclaimer- Do not google images of herpes or conjunctivitis. It will ruin you. There are some things that can’t be unseen.

I also do not believe that every single person who has used a tester at Sephora is contaminated or infected. This is just merely exaggeration for the sake of the blog people.

Frugalistablog turns 1!!!

Confetti cannons and cake for everyone! Pew, pew, pew!! That’s the confetti cannons firing.

What does one do to celebrate their one year blogging anniversary? Eat straight out of the Nutella jar, that’s what!

I started blogging one year ago. One year. Holy shizzballs!! It’s been like nothing I imagined. For starters, I imagined Ellen calling me to be on her show. That hasn’t happened yet. So, see what I mean? Nothing like I imagined. I also thought Daniel Craig, Hugh Jackman or Melissa Gilbert would come knocking on my door by now. Hmm… still nothing. Well, here’s to another year of imagining.

What did happen that I didn’t imagine was YOU!!! All of YOU people!! Not just my mom, my brother and some of my neighbors, but folks in Saudi Arabia, Iceland, Ukraine, Australia, Malaysia…. crazy places that READ me! Not that where you live is crazy. Just that, for this little suburban American girl, those sound so exotic, and I honestly never imagined someone all the way around the world paying attention to my blog.

But let me also mention my blogging friends I have met. Okay, let me clarify. I haven’t ‘met’ any of them yet. But they are my peeps. My blogging sisters and brothers. Some of them I have made friends  on the ‘real’ side of Facebook. I definitely will be seeing quite a few of them one day in real live person. I truly can’t wait to drink a toast and break bread with these people. Hmm, that’s a lot of bread references right there. But my point being, they are so incredibly supportive. They are good people. They get the whole- build you up, promote you to the readers and know you’ll do it in return- process. They make my day brighter, help me believe in myself, commiserate over laundry and female issues. We laugh, we cry, we plot evil revenge on dickwads that leave awful comments. Just kidding!! You know me, I’m all about the peace! The friendship between other bloggers is definitely something I never imagined with this gig. It’s truly the icing on this wordy cake.

So I won’t name any of them specifically,  I’m afraid I’ll forget someone. So let me just say- you know who you are. You’re there for me, you are the wind beneath my wings. Cue Bette Middler.

My very first post was kind of like a child’s first day of Kindergarten. There were some introductions, nervous peeing, feelings of awkwardness and insecurity. But now I’ve found myself. My ‘voice’ I can call it. I’m not trying to fit in anywhere. Well, okay, I am. But I’m just writing and sometimes it’s funny, and sometimes it’s downright heart gripping. And thankfully you all just ride this coaster of crazy and dramatic confessions that I spew onto the screen.

Like my brother says about most of my posts- a lot of effort, not a whole lot of preparation. So true. I literally just developed my blog overnight. I know, hard to believe! (wink, wink) I just jumped in. Like a cold swimming pool. If I stuck my toe in and tested the waters, I bet I would have put on the breaks and backed out of there. But once I hit ‘publish’ there was no turning back. Sometimes I’m scared of a post. Sometimes I’m excited. Sometimes posts are crap. Sometimes they are gold. I never know. Okay, I have a slight inkling. But I’m amazed at what tickles someone’s funny bone or inspires them.

If you’ve stuck around all year  or just found me yesterday through this roller coaster and the complete whiplash that is my blog, then Thank You. I hope you stick around for another year. I think I’m getting the hang of it.

From vaginas, to my kids, to Spanx, there’s been a whole lot of fun going on around here.

I made this clip especially for you-

I don’t want to offend you or anything…

Ooh, famous last words.

How about- “I don’t want to argue, but…”, “Now don’t get mad, but…”

or

“We need to talk about something”, “I don’t want any drama“, “Maybe you’re just jealous, no offense“.

Do you see what I’m doing here? All these phrases are total mindfuck bullshit. Yep. That’s what I said. Why? Because they do exactly the opposite of what the speaker is saying.

It’s like telling someone not to think of an elephant. Whatever you do- don’t think of an elephant.

….How’s that working? Are you NOT thinking of an elephant?

What elephant? I don't see an elephant.

So when the husband comes home from work and has an issue with a recent blog, let’s say. And says, ‘now don’t get mad, I don’t want to start an argument’…. Guess what? He doesn’t even have to say anything- I’m already fired up. My gut has dropped to my feet and the anticipation of what he might say is worse than what he will say.

"Now don't get mad, but..."

Or when you’re with a group of ladies and one of them says, “No offense, but I hate PTA or I don’t let my kids watch TV or what’s up with your latest eating habits?”. I kinda get offended. I mean, not really OFFENDED, but just maybe more my feelings might get hurt. Offended is far more serious than just slightly bruised in the ego or feelings department, but still. Just saying, ‘don’t get offended’, kind of puts me on the defense, right away.

The worst is when you watch those ridiculous reality TV shows where the women all squawk and whine about the others behind their backs. Then at a party they say, ‘well the last thing I want is drama‘. Really? Cuz you were kind of poking the hornets nest back there by smack talking your friend’s best friend’s sister in law.

"That bitch said what about my hat?

Any leading statement to a statement you are about to say, can really set someone off, before you say  what you were going to say in the first place. Capiche?

Let’s have a lesson in semantics people. Husbands- listen up. Mother-in-laws lean in. This is what you do.

When there’s something you want to say, don’t lead in with the opposite/alternate/reverse psychology phrases as mentioned above. Just say,

Husbands- “Oh hey, would it be okay if you didn’t continue to blog about my lack of skills in changing the roll of toilet paper and that you think I’m an asshat?” Say it in a real nice tone, then finish with, “Would you like me to get you a glass of wine?”

Or this one-

Mother in law-”I think your children should eat more vegetables and swear less.”

And then-

Friends “I wanted to let you know that when your daughter was hanging out with my daughter last week she showed a picture of various venereal diseases and their symptoms on her smartphone and it grossed our daughter out. But I know she’s not a slut. It’s okay.”

See how easy that was? All straight forward, no passive aggressive lead-ins. Just say what you have to say. Remember, it’s all in the TONE of your voice, body language, actions, that sort of thing. And don’t end with, “I’m just sayin’.” That’s bad too.

I think this will make things so much easier.

But let’s be honest. When it comes to ME. If you know me, just say what I want to hear, not what I should hear. That’s what really works.

Remember, no elephants. How’ bout now? Now?

Ricky never leads with bull shit lines like, "Now don't be offended." He just goes straight to offending you.

Now?

Welcome to the segment I like to call- people who I hope aren’t really stupid but just say stupid things.

When you are a parent you are open to a huge amount of unsolicited advice and questions about your parenting and/or your children.

It starts with pregnancy-

When are you due? Okay this one is harmless and I ask it too.

Why didn't I think of this? Mine would have had a nice 'now STFU' embroidered underneath it.

What are you having? A baby.

Oh you aren’t big at all. Seriously? I’ve gained 40 pounds, can’t see my feet or tie my shoes, and when I sit on the toilet I lean back because my belly hits my knees;  but sure, I am so petite. Yeah.

Oh you are big. No shit.

Then comes the baby-

What’s his name? HER name is….was the pink hat a clue? How about the dress? I don’t mind gender neutral babies, people who don’t like pink fluffy stuff. That’s fine. But if the baby is wearing pink, I’m pretty darn sure it’s a girl.

"CUTE! What's his name?"

The following questions are my favorite:

My friend is half Korean, her husband is Chinese. Her daughters both look Asian. I guess my friend looks less Asian. While out with her infant daughter at a store, a woman asked, “Where did you get her?” I guess she meant what country and that my friend’s daughter looked nothing like her; ergo she’s adopted. Whatevs.

"Cute baby. Where did you get it?"


My husband’s cousin has three children. I am one of three children. My husband is one of three children. There’s a lot of people with three children. When mentioned cousin was out with all three of her children the other day the words, ‘you have your hands full‘ were used. This is par for the course. Then, the woman asked, ‘Are they all yours?‘ She’s not Octomom for crying out loud!

"OOH, she looks like she has her hands full." Duh.

Other mundane conversation starters- Is he sleeping through the night? You’re using cloth diapers? Good luck with that!

She still sleeps in your bed?

You’re STILL breast feeding?    What? It’s not like he’s TEN!

OOh, you STOPPED breast feeding? That’s sad.  My nipples had fallen off and the doctor recommended I stop.

You look tired.

Thanks. I am. Of you.

This picture is so unrealistic. I haven't gotten an ironing board out in 12 years.

We’re all just crazy, fat Americans…that need bibles.

Oh, just pipe down! I’m not calling you fat. And not all Americans are fat. Yet.

But by judging the display at Barnes & Noble, the commercials on TV and the headlines on the health magazines for women AND men; we are all fat and in need of ‘sexy, slim thighs’, or ‘detoxing’, or getting the ‘skinny girl’s bible’. And don’t even get me started with all those damn resolutions people are making out there to lose weight or the ads that tell us we should. Yes, I posted about exercising my ass off recently. But I also explained the personal benefits to this besides fitting into my jeans. Snap.

Well if this is THE break up bible, forget the other books on the subject!

oh looky here- ANOTHER Bible

Let’s slow down. Okay, for starters there’s only one Bible.  Does everyone from Suzanne Somers to Christina Ferrera have to have their diet book with “bible” in the title?

Also, those ’5 moves to sexier, skinnier thighs’ never work. Why? Because I only do them twice that week. And then I lose the magazine under a pile of laundry and start PMSing and don’t feel like working out.

And, while I’m on the subject- does Marie Osmond get Botox all over her face and IN her mouth as well? She does the ads for Nutrisystem and she looks weird. Her mouth doesn’t move. Well, it does. But like Guy Smiley on Sesame Street. Only the bottom half moves like a muppet. I like Marie. I don’t like her dolls though. I’m glad she’s skinny. I just wish her mouth moved like a human’s.

Guy Smiley from Sesame Street. Maybe he's had botox.

That looks TOTALLY natural.

Marie Osmond Doll. Probably has had botox.

Now Janet Jackson is doing Nutrisystem too. I thought with all her dancing she was skinny. Emma sees the commercial and says. “Mom, that’s creepy. Isn’t she Michael Jackson’s wife, but she looks just like him.”

Apparently, I need to teach Emma some Janet, (Miss Jackson to her) songs and stuff.

When I put a search in on the Barnes & Noble site for ‘celebrity diet books’, for some reason the Masturbate-athons and Wanks Weeks book came up. I’ll have to check that out later for my next blog post….

Back to Suzanne Somers. Only in America can Chrissy from Three’s Company publish a dozen books on how to stay sexy, cancer free, menopause free, and skinny after 40. If based on the number of books she’s published, she is the world’s most renowned expert on being sexy, fabulous, sugar free and thin forever. For sure.

Stop the presses- this is the end all of sexy recipe Bibles!

I can understand all the variety of diet books, cook books and self help books. We are the land of opportunity. To each his own. I mean, why not? There’s a million freakin’ bloggers out there. That’s great. Anyone can write a book. Maybe I will. I’ll call it, “The Blogging Bible”…

I admit, I am guilty of subscribing to half a dozen women’s health and beauty magazines. I think I have amnesia every time I open one. I get all excited for my new body in 30 days. The only time they work is if I’m reading them while on the elliptical.

It’s amusing to me and sometimes inspiring. I take them with a grain of salt. On the rim of my margarita glass.

Pet Peeves 2.0 or rather, Stuff That Pisses Me Off.

I like to point out the ridiculous and nonsensical. Common sense isn’t so common people. Have you seen the Darwin Awards?

I forgot a few pissy items from my last list. (It will always be a work in progress.) In honor of 2012, here’s 12 things that rub me the wrong way. (Or when the children aren’t around, make me say, WTF.)

1. Baby on Board placards in people cars. So what? Thank you for sharing that with me. I will try not to run my car up your car’s ass.

2. All disposable razors marketed in the US for men AND women. Really? 5 blades? Mach 6? Pretty soon razors are going to look like a wood rasp from your Grandpa’s work shop. We’ll just slice it all off in one swipe.

3. People that don’t have call-waiting or don’t know how to use it.

4. Elizabeth Hasslebeck

5. People who wear pajama bottoms in public.

6. People that still use the word ‘gay’ as a description for something stupid or silly. Like, “did you see Gigli with Ben Affleck, it was so gay.”

7. Bank of America

8. The improper use of then, than, your and you’re. Especially on Facebook.

9. When you sit down with a fresh cup of coffee and the dog scratches to go out.

10. Man boobs on children

11. Men who think their penis is attractive enough to send a picture of it to someone. Especially politicians or sports celebrities that do this. FYI- Penises are ugly.

12. Alduteresses that come forward to sell their story in the media and then hire Gloria Allred to represent them.

Pet Peeves

Of all things in this world, my pets are the least peevish. So I don’t know where the phrase ‘pet peeve’ came from. I do know that in Harry Potter, the books, not the movies, Peeves is an annoying ghost playing mischief in the halls of Hogwarts.

I’m good at complaining so I thought I would make a list.

These things really get in my craw:

1. Telling me to be 15 minutes early to an appointment. Oh yeah? Why not YOU be ready 15 minutes early for ME? That’s just stupid. You’re lucky I show up on time to begin with and now you want me early? Pffft. Yeah right.

2. The disclaimer on milk that says, “does not contain RBST from cows treated with hormones, not that there’s a significant difference anyway”. Okay, that’s not the actual quote, but it translates to something like this: “Our milk doesn’t have estrogen in it, but if it did, the FDA says you wouldn’t notice a difference.” Oh okay then. Except my six year old has boobs.

3. When you say ‘thank you’ to someone and their response is ‘no problem’. What happened to ‘you’re welcome’? When I shop at your store, you hand me my receipt, I say ‘Thank you’, you SHOULD NOT say, ‘no problem’. It’s like, ‘yeah, I got commission on this sale and all, but it’s no problem that I had to interrupt texting my boyfriend or that I would rather be getting an eyebrow wax now instead of helping you try on shoes.’ Drives me bonkers.

4. Someone cutting their toenails. Period. Eww. Don’t want to ever hear that noise. Not from my husband.  Not even the place that does pedicures. Hate the sound. Hate it.

5. The kiosks at the mall with the sales people that jump out at you and want to flat iron your hair. I like my hair just fine the way it is and stop chasing me with anti-frizz serum.

6. The ‘hygiene’ liners on swim suit bottoms in the stores. What is up with that? Because that flimsy sticker on the crotch is going to protect me from all things herpes/yeast infection. News flash- I’m going to wash them anyway before I wear them AND I wear underwear in the store when trying them on in the first place. If anyone relies on that sticker, you’ve got another thing coming.

7. Donald Trump.

8. Camel Toe. Look it up if you don’t know what I”m talking about.

9. The people in the parking lot at my kids’ schools that idle their cars for 30 minutes while parked in the primo pick up spot waiting for the bell to ring. If that is you, I’d like to ask why you literally enjoy burning fuel needlessly? Is it so cheap you wish you could use it up faster? You don’t like polar bears? If you’re cold, it’s called wear a coat. It doesn’t get below 40 degrees in these parts. And if it does, grow a pair and deal.

10. Those squeaky shoes Asian people put on their babies. I don’t have anything against Asians, just those squeaky shoes. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a white kid in them.  And why in THE hell do they have to put them on their kids’ feet in the mall? JesusMaryandJoseph, can’t I shop in peace?

What is WRONG with people?

We went as a family to see Arthur Christmas this past weekend. Mind you, we shelled out the extra bucks for 3D. Not for the experience, just because it was the only showing available that worked for us.

I always honor the no phone/texting/ in the theaters rule. Even my husband, and Emma turn their phones off. We enjoy the movie. Heck, we paid enough for it!

There’s this family in front of us, and their child is on the iPad playing games! During the movie! IT’S a FRICKIN’ KIDS MOVIE FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!

Seriously? Your child is that bored with the 3D experience of a superbly animated children’s movie, they need to play Angry Birds on your iPad?

Really?

Then, when it’s clear the movie is over, but not over, over, like with credits and all. Just you can tell things are finishing but the characters are still talking, the family next to us gets us to leave. Huh, you don’t want to see the end? You don’t want to see how Christmas is saved and all is well??

Are we that impatient and desensitized? I’m sorry, I just wish things were enjoyed more, respected, you know- stop and smell the roses kind of thing.

Each of us parents our children as we see fit. Who am I to judge? Maybe your child can’t sit still, maybe YOU’RE bored. But there’s something missing with this generation of parenting and the one we had as kids, the way our parents raised us. Or at least how I was raised.  I didn’t have a choice. I sat still for school, church, movies, theater… There were no handheld electronics, no rule bending. But I will not pontificate on the deficiencies of what is today. Just merely bring it up as food for thought.

That is all. I will shush.

What is WRONG with people?

We went as a family to see Arthur Christmas this past weekend. Mind you, we shelled out the extra bucks for 3D. Not for the experience, just because it was the only showing available that worked for us.

I always honor the no phone/texting/ in the theaters rule. Even my husband, and Emma turn their phones off. We enjoy the movie. Heck, we paid enough for it!

There’s this family in front of us, and their child is on the iPad playing games! During the movie! IT’S a FRICKIN’ KIDS MOVIE FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!

Seriously? Your child is that bored with the 3D experience of a superbly animated children’s movie, they need to play Angry Birds on your iPad?

Really?

Then, when it’s clear the movie is over, but not over, over, like with credits and all. Just you can tell things are finishing but the characters are still talking, the family next to us gets us to leave. Huh, you don’t want to see the end? You don’t want to see how Christmas is saved and all is well??

Are we that impatient and desensitized? I’m sorry, I just wish things were enjoyed more, respected, you know- stop and smell the roses kind of thing.

Each of us parents our children as we see fit. Who am I to judge? Maybe your child can’t sit still, maybe YOU’RE bored. But there’s something missing with this generation of parenting and the one we had as kids, the way our parents raised us. Or at least how I was raised.  I didn’t have a choice. I sat still for school, church, movies, theater… There were no handheld electronics, no rule bending. But I will not pontificate on the deficiencies of what is today. Just merely bring it up as food for thought.

That is all. I will shush.