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The White Queen and magic penises.

 

I’m only one episode in, but I kinda love The White Queen. It’s the latest series on Starz and it is ‘historical’ fiction. You know, kinda historically accurate but they don’t use it as a text book in schools. Based on Phillipa Gregory’s books of the series, The Cousin Wars,  it promises heaving bosoms, deception and plenty of sex. Apparently.

I love Ms. Gregory’s books! They are titillating, engaging, and fascinating. I usually read one cover to cover pretty quickly. I haven’t read this one. But based on Starz’ portrayal, I think I will. I love steamy drama of the middle ages when thrones were over thrown and battles fought, on the field and (lowers voice) in the bedroom.

If you’re interested, the story goes- the war of the roses between the Yorks and the Lancasters wages on. Two houses divided but then joined (sort of), when, what’s this? The widow of the House of Kent whose husband was killed by the Lancaster Edward, who took the throne, marries this guy! Say what? Yeah, the woman marries the guy that killed her husband. But hey, this is the middle ages and cute guys were on short supply and she needed to keep her land and stuff, so I guess it all works out. If it sounds confusing, it is. It’s amazing England figured this all out!

Apparently, they Elizabeth (the widow) and Edward (the husband murderer) were hot for each other from the get-go. King Edward comes riding by with his men, to Elizabeth’s house (that’s the York) and the next minute he’s walking in the gardens with her and they are this close to getting it on in the primrose bushes.

Life happens fast in jolly old England and pretty soon they are having a secret wedding ceremony in a little chapel and running to a hunter’s cottage to have consummate the union. It takes only a few seconds to take off the yards and yards of brocade and then Edward gently caresses her boob. Wait does he? Or did I just imagine that?

And then, this is where the magic happens. He mounts on top of her, and low and behold, she starts making sounds of satisfaction and then hot diggity dog, faster than you can say, “Corset strings” they simultaneously reach climax and lie in a satisfied heap together. Whoa. How cool is that? His penis has to be magic to provide so much instant satisfaction. Don’t you think?

Of course for the sake of the story, we don’t need their entire sexual episode. Producers need to keep the story moving. 1 minute, maybe 2, tops, to focus on some ‘sexual situations’ that the ratings board approves. It’s not porn folks. It’s not like they are going to show an entire 20 minutes of tantric love making, I get that. But the magic of Hollywood is very deceptive. Very deceptive.

Some thoughts I had while watching the beautiful Elizabeth (I think the actress wears a wig) and the sweet handsome Edward, of which the actor gets goosebumps on his butt cheeks during sex scenes. Yeah- the HD on this show is  THAT good.

Movie sex doesn’t require lube, toys or time for that matter. How great to just get on the bed and get ‘er done. Forget foreplay.

Everyone is primed and ready to go, reaching climax in 3…2…1. Isn’t that awesome?

Those rooms are always warm and cozy, but just cool enough to get the girls’ headlights at attention. Everyone has really long, beautiful blond hair that doesn’t get tangled up or in the way, or in the guys mouth. It’s always done missionary style (except Game of Thrones), there’s plenty of candles that someone else had to light. The dog isn’t on the bed watching.The man’s sexy scruff doesn’t scratch the hell out of the woman’s delicate complexion. They cuddle so nicely in bed afterwards, the woman never having to use the restroom to prevent a UTI.

Nobody has gas.

I know, I know- it’s a show people! It’s not real! But, why does a woman’s satisfaction have to take so long? Why are we like the console of a Boeing dream liner, trying to figure out what button to push?

Why can’t the costume department of this show put the men in TIGHTER PANTS? Why must the women wear so much gauzy cotton? Does everyone from that time period have such perfect complexions? I want to know!

I can’t decide if I want this post to be about the fact that movie sex has ruined it for us women, because so many men think they have magic penises that will get the job done in 45 seconds tops. OR, that I wish movie sex was real life sex and things were good to go in 2 minutes flat.

Because then I would have more time for watching more episodes of The White Queen.