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The most random post ever- but also back to school stuff.

Right now my brain is like Steven Tyler’s testicles. I can’t imagine there is anything going on in there that makes sense or hasn’t been deadened by drugs. Oh wait- I don’t do drugs… so there proves my randomness. My brain is healthy, not some 70 year old’s scrotum sac.

The kids go back to school tomorrow. It’s a gorgeous day outside. I’m feeling a writer’s block. Or maybe I’m just constipated. I can’t tell which.

There’s the angel on my shoulder saying, “Those sweet children are off in the world again. Getting on that school bus to an instution of their peers and authorities that will shape their minds and mold them towards their future.”

Then there’s the devil on my other shoulder saying, “Sweet cheese and rice,  those urchins are outta here! Let’s watch Vampire Diaries and throw away all their shit!”

Well, it’s going to be a combination of the two.

I’m going to watch some Vampire Diaries. A guilty pleasure of mine, okay, not so guilty, that I will not let Emma watch. Yes, she gets away with a lot of things on Youtube and movies (I’ve let her watch Bridesmaids with me and she cracked up, don’t judge) but, the sex and crazed adolescence of Vampire Diaries is something I’d  like to preserve her innocence of for a little while longer.

I am going to clean under their beds and in their closets. The 12 year old still has bins of Polly Pockets and Littlest Pet Shop in her closet. Not to mention the oodles and oodles of Bitty Baby clothing and American Girl accessories. Those will all go in sacred storage. When she moves out, I will have a  room in the house dedicated to dolls and cats so I will bring it out of storage for display. McSweetie doesn’t know this yet- but it’s going to happen. Therefore I’m keeping all things American Girl. Okay, I’m not really going to have a room dedicated to dolls. I’m keeping them for my future grandchildren. I will be having more cats though. This is certain.

Where was I…. oh yes, Steven Tyler’s balls… no wait… not that. Oh yeah, kids back to school.

SO this is how it’s going to go. The kids will go back to school. I will get some light house work done. I will watch whatever the fuck I want to on TV and not have to tolerate Spongebob, Adventure Time or Gravity Falls. I will get a Frappuccino at Starbucks and lick the whipped cream off by myself and not have to share it. I will go to the store, Target, Sephora, Whole Foods… whatever… and take my own sweet damn time. No whining, no begging. None of that. Only I can whine or beg. With myself.

So here’s some pics of my sweet chillins’  off to school years ago:

This is my list of things to do this week:

Namaste bitches.

My kids are funny- Part Deux

Does me saying Part Deux in the title remind you of that Charlie Sheen movie? Yeah, me too. I should wear a head band or something.

In this installment of, ‘my kids are funnier than your kids’, cuz face it, they are. I have tried to put on paper (okay computer) what conversations have happened recently. There’s really too many to mention. They are THAT funny. But I will try to keep up. If anything, this is like an entry into their baby book for their grandparent’s sake. I understand if it doesn’t really interest you. Yes, YOU- perfectly nice stranger that takes the time to read my ramblings. Okay-

Having a conversation about Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes with my kids: (because who doesn’t do this?? I mean, come on.)

Owen in defense of the guy he only knows from the Mission Impossible movies- “that’s not nice to divorce someone. Why would she divorce him. He’s in cool movies.”

Me- “Well sweetie, he  believes in aliens and he’s a little bit of a weirdo. He was probably very controlling of her and not very nice.”

Emma (using the opportunity to incorporate aliens in the conversation) “Quick grab the tin foil, the aliens are calling. Do as I say woman.”

Me- “let me guess, this is your impression of Tom Cruise being demanding to Katie Holmes?”

Emma- “Yep”

***

Emma tonight- “It’s probably a party with beer pong, strippers and tequila shots” (her describing a night of debauchery my husband was unable to attend with his guy friends)

Me startled and feigning dismay “How on earth do you know about all those things my dear??”

Emma- “I only learned it all from you!”

SNAP! <<cough Well I NEVER!! cough, cough>>

***

Owen at tuck in- “Mom, do you ever fart in the toilet?”

Me- “Uhm, all the time, that’s where you do your business.” (Who DOESN”T fart in the toilet?)

Owen- “Yeah, but farting in a toilet echos like farting in a bowl.”

Me- “That’s because it is a bowl dear. Not a bowl like in the kitchen, but a big ceramic bowl of water in the bathroom.”

pauses

Me- “How would you know what it sounds like to fart in a bowl?”

Owen- “After eating chips once, when the bowl was empty, I sat on it and farted.”

Ba da bump. Thank you. Thank you. Thankyouverymuch.

Tune in next week when Owen yells, “Hey BEYOTCH, get in here” to the dog when she’s outside barking at the neighbors.

I’ll take extra cheese with that ham please.

Kreativ Blogger award is spelled wrong

Why is it spelled wrong? OOh, I get it, because it’s creative.  OKAY then. I’m not knocking it. Just asking.

I’ve been bestowed a swell blogging award by some swell bloggers. It gets me every time someone makes the effort to show they like my blog. Seriously. I always wanted to be the cool kid in school with their art project on the center bulletin board. This kind of makes up for it. A little.

I need to acknowledge the award givers, answer 7 questions and come up with 10 random unknown facts about myself, AND bestow the award to 7 other blogs. Geeze, these awards are so pushy! At the Oscars you just show up and get the statue. Okay, at least I can spare myself the effort of getting glitzed up for the red carpet.

My special thanks to the two bloggers that gave it to me:

One Tired Mama- is really One Clever Mama. She writes about life, her kids, the future, she writes poetry too. She loves movies. I love her. She’s a blogging pro.

Funny Pregnant Lady- oh my gosh this lady is now Funny Postpartum Lady and God bless her!! Her little peanut is 8 weeks old, adorbs and she still has time to blog and make funny ecards. What is up with that?? I won’t call her Over Achiever because I like her too much, but she better watch it. The rest of us are starting to look like slackers.

Okay, here’ s the answers to the questions. (Why does this remind me of those notes we passed back and forth between classes in high school?)

What is your favorite song?

Oh, tough, I mean, so many to choose from. But our wedding song is At Last by Etta James, and honestly, I just melt when I hear it. So yeah, I’m going with that one. Runners up- Bohemian Rhapsody, Fat Bottomed Girls, Wake me up Before you Go Go. Yeah- that’s Wham! What of it?

What is your favorite dessert?

Chocolate. Chocolate anything. Lava cake, cream pie, mousse, pot de creme, hot fudge sundae- not a Dairy Queen one- a REAL one. Honestly giving up dairy has been tough when it comes to desserts. So hazelnut chocolate sorbet at this one restaurant has been a to-die for replacement that I could lick up like a kitty does cream.

What do you do when you are upset?

Pout. Cry. Eat. Call my mom. If I’m angry-upset, I stomp up the stairs and do laundry or tidy my bathroom. I like to slam things and get all huffy. If I’m sad-upset, I sulk, make a cup of tea, talk to someone, snuggle my dog.

Favorite Pet-

And that brings us to…. my dog. Sophie is the best. She’s a mutt medium sized something or other that loves us to bits. And we love her. We adopted her exactly four years ago and she IS one of the family.

White or whole wheat-

Lately neither. I’m kind of gluten free or no bread at all. But I go weak in the knees for a fresh baguette and really good creamy butter. You might not want to be in the room. There’s crumbs and butter smeared everywhere. You’d think I’d have some restraint. So I just try to stay away from that stuff.

What is your biggest fear?

DUH- something happening to my kids. End of story. I get ants in my pants just thinking of them in the big world. The older they get, the more freedom and time they have away from me and with other people. Freaks the shit out of me. I want them safe. Bottom line.

What is your attitude mostly?

Nauseatingly cheerful. Except when I’m being a bitch.

10 Random Facts

I don’t like the Beach Boys

I think smart, funny guys like Jon Stewart and Steve Carrell are kinda sexy. Humor and intellect is a turn-on.

I always wear something on my feet, even in summer. I don’t like going barefoot. I’m too scared of stubbing a toe or stepping on something.

I can’t stand the sound of metal on metal. If I have a metal bowl, I will not use any silverware on it, only wooden spoons or plastic. It’s like nails on a chalk board for me.

I’m waiting to be surprised by a celebrity crush knocking on my door to whisk me away with tickets to something, that I’m sure Ellen or someone of fame and importance has arranged.

I will attend the Academy Awards before I die. I will. It is by far, my #1 Bucket List item. I just know I will go.

I met Tom Brokaw after my commencement ceremony graduating from the University of Washington. I arranged an interview with him as part of my journalism street cred. It was pretty cool to meet him, he had been the keynote speaker and I have always admired his journalistic integrity and love of history.

I won’t put on an invitation ‘no gifts please’. What am I, nuts? I love presents! Christmas and Birthdays are my favorite.

I eat a spoonful of chia seeds in my smoothie every morning. I haven’t grown green sprouts out of my head yet.

I love, love, love Little House on the Prairie. Some of you might already know this about me, but it’s been awhile since I mentioned it. So here’s a reminder.

Okay- bloggy blogs that I like:

There’s a lot, so if I didn’t pick you- this isn’t Heads Up Seven Up in 3rd grade and you feel bad, just wait until another time. I can’t pick everybody.

Complete Jensanity

She’s funny, a mom, a little insane- ha get it? Her You Might Live In Jersey If Post is pretty funny.

My Children Think I’m Perfect

OH this lady rocks my socks! She is hysterical and is a little naughty. But I like it!

The Bearded Iris

GOOD LORD- this mama is the SHIZ! I don’t know what to say. She cracks me up, she is poignant, witty and hilarious as FUCK!  Anyone who blogs about their lady bits garden is a fave in my book.

Laptop Confessional

This is a group of bloggers and they are so snarky and funny. They call themselves, ‘honey badgers’. What’s not to love?

Ninja Mom

Just go look at her Blog cover photo. She’s funny. And she was in the Top 25 Circle of Moms funny bloggers. God she’s funny!

Bad Parenting Moments

These girls have a lot of heart and soul in their writing. I love reading about their ‘bad parenting moments’. It makes me feel that I’m doing okay.

Cup of Tea and a Blog

This is one of those things I love about blogging. Finding random people through other blogs that live half way across the world and have a kinship- like cups of tea! I have only just started reading her, but I love that I found her.

So there you go-

now off to read those blogs- skidaddle!

Wax on; wax off.

What’s the first rule of writing? Write about what you know. OKAAAY then. I’m writing about me. Moi, myself and I.

My friend over at  You Know it Happens At Your House Too sent out this ‘challenge’ or ‘assignment’ if you will.

Fifteen things your readers don’t know about you. Really? Fifteen? Isn’t that a lot? I mean, if I use up all fifteen, then what will I have to write about tomorrow? OH wait… PMS… Just kidding! Sort of…

Okay here goes.

1) I like that song The Climb by Miley Cyrus. I know- dippy. But the lyrics are really good. I get kinda teary thinking about certain struggles like paying the credit card bills, sticking to my non-dairy-no meat diet, wondering if my children will appreciate everything I’ve done for them.  So I want to stand in some meadow belting this song out at the top of my lungs. I also want to stand in a meadow and spin like Julie Andrews in The Sound of Music— maybe, that’s my #2.

2) I want to spin on a mountainside meadow and sing The Hills Are Alive, With the Sound of Music. I mean, WHO DOESN’T?

3) I don’t wax anywhere except my eyebrows. I mean, ANYWHERE. Is that bad? Please tell me I am not the only woman on the planet that doesn’t wax her business. Like Tina Fey said on Saturday Night Live a few seasons back;  “Women used to have a garden down there the size of a New York City slice of pizza.”  Let’s not go into any more detail, but seriously? One more thing for me to groom? I think not.

4) I spent my senior year spring break getting my wisdom teeth out. All four. Impacted. I was a nerd. But hey, I got it out of the way.

5) I kind of miss the way my kids smell when they were little. Now they just have body odor and morning breath. I like the ‘after-nap’ smell of when they were 2 years old. Kinda sweaty behind the neck and sweet and peach fuzzy. I don’t miss the toddler years, but sometimes I just wish they could smell like that again. And take naps. And not talk back. And do their homework.

6) I only have two houseplants and they are barely alive.

7) I have a horrible fear of heights. Even thinking of looking out a skyscraper windows makes my palms sweat.

8) I met my husband at a funeral. NOOOW, don’t think he was like Will Farrell in Wedding Crashers, “sad women are soo horny” Eww. No! Our families were friends and his grandmother passed away so we had all attended the funeral. He didn’t ask me out, but we were introduced.

9) I have never mowed our lawn. I don’t do yard work. I don’t really do housework. What DO I DO?

10) I’m one of those people that loves to do Karaoke and think I can sing, but really I can’t. I pretend to pull it off with STAGE PRESENCE. Sell it… sell it… I think I will vlog a Karaoke performance for you. THAT would be AWESOME.

11) I used to do this thing when I was a teenager where I would use a big word, that I didn’t really know what it meant, my friend Stacey would be like, ‘that’s not what that means’. I would be all back at her, ‘that is so esoteric of you’.

12) I want to be a figure skater. Or a Vegas show girl. I want to be anything that requires lots of makeup, glitter, and fishnets. I used to act out Olympic figure skating finals events in my bedroom. I can’t skate. Other than that, I think my chances are good for a career as a drag queen.

13) When I was 4 years old I wanted to marry Shaun Cassidy. I watched The Hardy Boys and I was sure that 14 year age difference meant that he would wait for me. A Do Run Run, A Do Run Run.

Parker was pretty darn cute too. What's better- those collars or high-waisted pants?

14) I hated zucchini when I was a kid, but would love my mom’s cream of zucchini soup.

15) My husband and I honeymooned in New England. We had lobster, clam chowder and stayed in Bed & Breakfasts. Who were we kidding? Our marriage was tested immediately. We survived 10 days of driving long hours in the car- him not asking for directions, me insisting we needed to stop for Maine Coon cat souvenirs. We stayed in Inns with no room service and squeaky bed frames. Why we didn’t go to Mexico and sit beside a pool getting drinks brought to us and endless room service, I don’t know. But that was 15 years ago. And we would do it again. But this time we would have GPS to guide us through the endless and confusing highway system of downtown Boston. We would do it, and we would ENJOY IT!

Well that was fun. ONLY 15?? Gosh I could keep going…

Welcome to the party, and why the hell am I called Frugalista?

I want to just fess up and say that I think my blog name is stupid. I remember 6 months ago when I was coming up with my whole blog in the first place, I wanted a name that was cool like The Bloggess. I was also a little intimidated because this was my first blog and I was very self conscious about my writing. I really just threw caution to the wind and jumped in like people do for those Polar Bear plunges jumping in icy waters. Crazy! I say, crazy! So needless to say, I wasn’t going to name my blog Her Royal Highness, the Blog Writer. Now I’m kinda wishing I did.  Because, I feel like I can do anything. I practically wear a cape when I write. I feel invincible.

But I won’t kid you- criticism is totally my kryptonite.

Okay, so I’m not Superwoman. Or Wonder Woman. I couldn’t fit into those hot pants. But the boots are pretty cool… I might rock those cuffs pretty good too….

I'm sure most of you men are thinking, 'why is that picture so friggin' small?'.

I fall into the category of mommy blogger. For obvious reasons because I’m a mom, I write about my ‘stay at home’ adventures of car pool and bed times. The name Frugalista came to me because it seemed a good play on words for my savvy bargain hunting and my desire to be at Paris Fashion Week. So for those that are new to this page- now you know.

Remember that FRIENDS episode where Rachel makes the Christmas dessert trifle from a magazine recipe and the pages get stuck together? She puts meat inside the trifle because she thought that was part of the recipe. I’m that meaty center. Unexpected, maybe tasty, maybe not your cup of tea, but unique. So there.

I do blog about shopping and things I like. I like sharing what makes me happy. I am NOT a couponer. I’m like those new Ellen JCPenney commercials- no coupons on this padre!

So between the bitching about my husband, my kids, random people in the news, my obsession with movies… you know- I like to talk about great shopping deals, makeup, and cute little fashion finds. But I also have to pretend to my husband that I don’t shop EVER, except for groceries.  All that makeup, clothes and shoes, procreate like Gremlins after midnight in my closet. Right?

Despite what the calendar says, it is not Spring here yet.  It’s between the 30s and 40s for a high in these great northwest parts. So I’m ready to bust out my spring looks but hate hypothermia, so I’m still in fleece, wool and Goretex.

If I WERE to get all fashiony, these are my gems of what I’m excited about-

Colored denim. At first I was like all, you won’t catch me in yellow jeans. But then I saw a couple friends in cute skinny jeans that were colored and they looked SO cute. So I got a pair of cobalt blue. Hey, it’s close to denim right? So bright blue it is with a pop of orange or teal, oh, and some cute wedges and a pedi…. oh Spring, just GET HERE ALREADY!

WANT!

It's like Skittles for pants.

Scarves- I’m obsessed with scarves. I have more scarves than Imelda Marcos has shoes. Well, not quite. Maybe more scarves than Paris Hilton has chihuahuas.  I have plenty of warm weather, cold weather and all the weather in between scarves. I like something soft and lightweight around my neck (ha ha, no, not a dog collar thankyouverymuch).  Even when it’s warm out, having  a light weight scarf can serve several purposes- helps shield the sun from your decollete and keeps off the chills if the a/c is cranked somewhere.

Look how pretty and bright that is!

I bought at least three at H&M. They have wonderful prices and lots of great neutrals. I got a bright orange one at Nordstrom that was less than $20. I’m thinking it’s like my personal piece of sunshine to take with me wherever I go!

Next, let’s talk product-

Beauty Balms- For the ultra product-savvy, you know what these are. The industry calls them BB creams. For those that don’t know- these are like a tinted moisturizer that have SPF, primer, and brightening properties all in one product. They come on the really high-end like Dior- to the first ever at the drugstore brand- Garnier. I have yet to try the Garnier one, it’s sold out wherever I go. But the Dior one is great and so is one by Boscia. Some have one tint fits all, some have shades. If you are a less is more person- this is for you. You’ll get some coverage and sun protection in one product. Bam! You’re welcome.

Hair products-

There’s a line of products out there by ALTERNA  called Bamboo. I love their glossing creams and root sprays. They seem to have what the label promises, organic ingredients and I seem to be going back to them even though my bathroom looks like a Sephora store.

Find this at Ulta or Sephora.

Entertainment-

Yeah, I’m the queen of TV. Although, it seems as much TV as I watch, people will ask if I’m watching a show and I realize I haven’t been. So I know that I’m not watching EVERY show out there. Even though it seems that way to my husband.

GCB- the new show on ABC with Kristen Chenoweth, who I love! It’s over the top, ridiculous and campy. Perfect for me! Check it out!

And yes, she does sing on the show!

So there you have it. Like a little dish of candy all served up nice and sweet. Thanks for joining me. Tune in next week when I write about…. wait for it…. PMS- just like always. Okay, I don’t really know if I will, but 8 out of 10 posts seem to deal with that, so there’s a good chance of it in the forecast.

Skinny guys rule.

*And just let me say, I don’t mean fat people don’t rule, or regular, average size people don’t rule. It’s just for the sake of my skinnier than normal husband- okay?

In defense of skinny people that wish they weren’t so thin- this post is for you. (Seriously, not many have sympathy for you.)

Also, this is a chance for me to complain needlessly about the skinny people I live with. My husband and two children. I’m a size 6/8 and I’m the fat one. Please don’t take this the wrong way- I don’t want anyone griping at me for my gripes. You try living with Jack Sprat.

This will also be categorized under posts that my husband will roll his eyes at.

My husband is 6’2″ and about 150 pounds or so.  He’s 41 and has weighed the same since 1988. It’s really a freak of nature how he stays so thin. That, or he has a tapeworm.

Try being around a guy that is skinnier than you after you’ve passed week 16 of a pregnancy. I outweighed him most of the last 12 years. It’s a bitch.

I’m sorry James.

I’m always complaining about how I would like to lose 10 pounds. I USED to have a fast metabolism. And it’s not slow as a sloth slow, but it isn’t what it used to be. Pregnancy changed all that. I could put away a Mexican dinner at one setting. I barely exercised and you could see my ribs. I wore a size 2 easily. Now I fight for every pound to NOT gain. I have practically eliminated alcohol intake, have become a ‘sort of vegan’(The Reluctant Vegan). Work out. A few times a week. I definitely can do better. I love carbs. I love bread and corn. Popcorn, corn chips, tortilla chips. Corn is the bane of my muffin top. Bread is too. White bread sometimes with butter, but not since giving up dairy. Avocados are my new vice. With chips of course.  Curse them. My metabolism has predictably slowed. I’m almost 40. It’s bound to happen.

I remember in my 20s feeling upset over zits I had. Not serious acne, just troublesome, gross white heads on my chin. Ugh. It drove me nuts. I would make deals with God to clear up my skin. I would ask him if I could be 10 pounds heavier if I just had clear skin. My skin is clear now. What is the statute of limitations on deals with God?

Then there’s tapeworm boy (I’ll explain this later.): James will have a bowl of ice cream EVERY night. He can eat a bag of chips while he watches a football game. He never eats breakfast and he rarely exercises- hello? Two of Dr. Oz’s rules for losing weight- he breaks! He puts sour cream and cheese on everything. He can eat a box of Kraft mac and cheese. But then on the flip side- he’ll ‘forget’ to eat. Yeah, that’s such bull shit! He’ll work from home, have a latte in the morning, forget to eat, then at about 2 in the afternoon realize he’s famished. See? Total bull shit. Who does that? I am starved by 11 am and need 2nd breakfast like a Hobbit or something.

There was a time about 20 years ago he tried to bulk up. He protein loaded and worked out all the time. I think he put on about 5 pounds of muscle in about 4 months. Waaa, waa, waa. (That’s me fake-crying.)

I hate when his side of the family makes a big deal about his thinness. As if it’s something new. When was he ever chubby? Never!

It seems like Owen is following in James’ skinny footsteps. He’s a bean pole with no meat on him. A Jack Sprat type like his dad. He doesn’t like being asked about why he’s so skinny. James doesn’t really like it either. It’s not fun to poke fun at anyone’s appearance regardless if they’re skinny or fat. (“Real” women have curves- Really …?)

Recently, James is embracing his skinniness. Especially since his peers are starting that tire around the middle.  His brother jokes that he has a tapeworm. This makes total sense. He can only eat this much and NOT gain weight, if he was feeding a creature in his abdomen like Alien. Not to worry, he doesn’t exhibit any other signs of having a parasite. His cholesterol is safe, especially for his age (40s), and he’s otherwise healthy. So when we go out to dinner and he orders his Fettucini Alfredo with a side of garlic bread and a ceasar salad with extra cheese, he pats his tummy and says, “gotta feed the tapeworm”. Oh geez.

Well alright then. Hey, skinny guys rule. (James’ motto)

Plus, in 20 years when he’s 60, I think it will catch up with him. Now we just need to figure out his Mcdreamy head of hair. He’s had the same hair since high school too. Like I said- the guy is a freak of nature. In a nice way though. And I wouldn’t change a thing. Love you babe!

Some cute and skinny famous guys:

Andrew Garfield- cute, skinny, and English (oh and hair like James too!)

David Beckham- I'm not crazy for tats, but again- cute, skinny, English

Team Edward. Twilight haters hush up. Cute, skinny, English. Hmmm, I'm sensing a pattern here.

Adrien Brody. I'm not a huge fan. But of this picture I am. Oh, and not English. Skinny but ripped.

Cute. Skinny. not English or famous- but my favorite for sure. Gorgeous.

Our cat is a boob man. Or teat guy.

This is a true story. No pets were harmed in the making of this blog.

They've lost that lovin' feelin'. The dog does NOT get this close anymore. Despite the cat's efforts, flowers and chocolates...

When mammals feed their babies it’s not called breast feeding, I know. It’s called nursing. Is nursing the only term that is correct? And why are cow’s udders called udders and not breasts and why are any non-human mammal’s parts called teats or something and not milk bags like we say in the ‘hood?  And when my son was 5 he asked why we drink cows milk but babies drink from their moms and why don’t we get human milk delivered by the milk man? Geezus! I don’t know! And so now my brain thinks of the county fair and a bunch of lactating women hooked up to those giant machines like they have in the dairy barn display and it’s just so wrong. So wrong.

So- onto my post.

Our cat, who I should just call Shazam, but is really named Pluto, has issues. He’s over a year old. He likes to nurse on our dog. They are almost the same size. She has nipples on her belly. So do I, but let’s not go there.

When the cat first came to live with us, he was tiny. 6 weeks and probably not weaned completely.  We got him from a man in the Safeway parking lot that had him in his van. He was under a pizza slice and a Whopper carton behind the back seat. We gave him $40 bucks for the little flea bag. Literally, he was covered in fleas. We stopped at Petco on the way home and got flea spray that I doused him with while holding him in the car while James drove. He fit in the palm of my hand and there wasn’t much he could do to fight it. I think he still tells me to ‘fuck off’ with his eyes.

Thankfully,  he got used to Sophie doggy pretty quickly. Sophie thought we got her a new play toy. An electronic one that moved. But once we were convinced she wasn’t going to eat him like a squirrel, we let them snuggle.

And so it began…. the cat found her nipples. Teats? What do you call them? Anyway… he began to nurse. Sophie let him do this. Three separate times. Each session lasted a good ten minutes.

I’ve nursed two children in my lifetime. It’s not fun. The first few times hurts like a mother fucker and I don’t mean that lightly. So I’m thinking the dog was very tolerant to allow this to occur.We thought this was like an Animal Planet miracle! Maybe there would be a book deal and we would be millionaires bringing our pets to book signings for this beloved children’s picture book of our pets!

Not so fast.

Well not long after this it was clear that Sophie didn’t like the idea of being the cat’s wet nurse. I was video taping the occurrences like crazy. Doesn’t the Today show or Ellen love this kind of stuff? It’s so cute- interspecies breast feeding- teat sharing, spayed dogs gone wild… whatever, this stuff is crazy good!

During the 4th attempt the cat made to dry nurse the dog, she snarled at him. He got the message and they haven’t cuddled since. I wondered if I needed to get some Lansinoh cream or a nipple shield for the dog. But she wasn’t going to play any longer.  Now they play and chase each other, wrestle and tussle. It’s really cute. But since Pluto isn’t buying Sophie dinner anytime soon, there’s no more foreplay from this bitch (only in the dog sense, she’s actually very sweet). For the record, she’s never had puppies and is spayed.  Sometime after his rejection by the dog,  Pluto resorted to sucking on this blanket we had.  He would drool and suck on the fleece nubbins until they were soaked.  Is there therapy for this cat? Wait- I haven’t Googled it, but I bet there is.

And soon after all this anyway, we had Pluto neutered. So now he is really confused. He’s a castrated cat with mother issues. He still tries to get near Sophie. She still thwarts him with her snarls. If only she understood his pain…

If you thought this was marginally funny- click over on the Circle of moms badge and vote for me. I just want to make it into the top 25. I’m quite the underachiever.

No more excuses

With snowpocalypse, snowmaggeddon, and clusterfuck 2012 now over, there’s no more excuses. I have to get shit done.

(courtesy komo.com) Seriously, if this wasn't a cluster fuck, I don't know what is.

I’ve had PTA stuff I was supposed to do over 3 weeks ago. Donation piles I’m supposed to take to Goodwill. Bills I’m supposed to pay. Laundry that is waiting to be washed. (Owen hasn’t had clean socks in two weeks, but he’s easy going that way.)

Last week, despite The Shining-esque type of days where the snow kept falling, the lights flickering, (for some have been out of power for days so I have nothing to bitch about) and the never ending wet sloppy boots, mittens, snow pants hanging over the vents to dry merry go round I was doing; it was kind of nice to blame it on the snow.

Kinda like what I looked like wandering the house for 4 days in my long johns.

A sampling of my excuses:

Gotta drop off those PTA certificates- oops can’t, the school is closed.

Gotta mail those bills- oops can’t, out of stamps and hubs won’t let me take the minivan out in the snow.

Gotta make dinner- oops sorry, mac n cheese three nights in a row since Amazon Fresh won’t deliver.

Gotta do laundry- oops better not run the washing machine in case we lose power mid cycle and then the clothes would just sit there and rot.

It was fantastic! I ate popcorn and watched Kardashians for three days straight with Emma. We painted our nails, baked cookies, watched Harry Potter with Owen. Drank Old-fashioneds. (me and James did, not Emma)

(courtesy CNN.com) What's better than a Kardashians marathon during a snowpocalypse? Between, Keeping up with the Kardashians, Kourtney and Kim take New York, and Khloe and Lamar, there's always plenty of episodes on E! (Producers are looking into the next round of franchises; Kris takes on Menopause, Kendall and Kylie go to prom and Bruce finds his balls)

Now the streets are clear despite the 3 foot piles of black snow along the curbs. The gym is open and calling my name. School is back in session, Owen’s going to need fresh socks eventually…

Crap. I’m out of excuses…

wakey wakey mama bear. The cubs are restless. Is it spring yet?

Getting to know you… well, me really.

Getting to know all about you. Getting to know you like me.

Something like that. I remember seeing the King and I on the stage when I was 6 years old. We went downtown to Chicago and saw Yul Brenner in his best role ever. Bald and bare chested. But I was 6, I wasn’t paying attention to that. I liked Anna’s dress. Oh my goodness, how I wanted a hoop skirt with yards and yards of shiny silk to flow over it! I wanted to dance and waltz and sing. My blog byline is ‘Confessions of a Middle Aged Drama Queen’ for goodness sake!

Thank you to Heather Christena Schmidt over at the B(itch) Blog AND Hyperactive Inefficiency for both awarding me with the Versatile Blogger Award.  You both are awesome and I love reading your works. Please visit their posts and enjoy them too.

This means a lot to me, because a) I like to be liked b) I am a Leo and need attention and c) I feel insecure about my blogging so I like it when other blogs reach a virtual hand out to me and pat me on the back.

So typically these chainletter types of blog awards have me disclose something about myself and then pay it forward by awarding other blogs with these awards. Like Duck, Duck Goose; or Heads Up Seven UP. You pick your friends and then they pick you.

So here’s 7 things you shouldn’t know about me but will now, followed by 15 blogs I’ve discovered to be interesting.

1) I have done the flying trapeze 5 times. I even did a stunt on it. This wasn’t in the circus, but still. I was sweating bullets and almost peed my pants. But I did it.

2) I love crap television. Scoff all you want- Kardashians, Jerseylicious, Real Housewives, Pregnant in Heels. It’s mind-numbingly awesome.

3) I’ve never done recreational drugs. Not one puff of pot. Can’t even handle Tylenol with Codeine. I’m so boring.

4) Saw my first opera at age 8. It was Carmen and I loved it.

5) Wanted desperately to be a jockey when I was ages 7 to 11. I think this was fueled by watching movies like The Black Stallion, International Velvet and episodes of Little House. I wanted to be around horses. I was already too tall though.

6) I love clipping my son’s toenails. It’s weird. But this list is supposed to be REVEALING.

7) I wish Branston Pickle was a condiment in America.

Now to name 15 blogs that are interesting to me – visit them.

I am bestowing the Versatile Blogger to you so please be sure to thank me in your acceptance speeches. You’re welcome:

Pickahling

Good Humored

Today in Heritage History

Blurt

Girl on the Contrary

The Mainland

Live Learn and Dream

Snoring Dog Studio

The Flight of Reason

The Witty and the Mundane

Absolutely Ravenous

PCC Advantage

Barking in the Dark

For Better Genius

I Can’t High Five

I’m blogging about blogging and there’s so many others out there doing the same.

Blogging is a completely acceptable way of begging people to notice you and then tell you how witty and talented you are.  At least that’s what I’m learning. You get addicted to your site stats- when your readership goes up, when new people subscribe, when someone comments- OH that’s the best! It’s like my very own Christmas in my inbox!

I appreciate everyone that reads my blog. I really appreciate the one or two that tell me in person how much they enjoy it. I really, really appreciate it. Because I’m a Leo and Leos need compliments. All the time. James is still learning this.

It’s strange that there’s more people that I don’t know who are reading what is going on in my life.

But newsflash- there’s millions of blogs out there. Like stars. Too many to be numbered. On Word Press alone- there’s about 300,000 blog entries a day. So anyone that stumbles upon my blog and takes the time to read it, literally feels like someone finding me in a haystack and I’m the needle. The blogosphere is a very supportive community that understands how good it feels to be recognized. And let’s face it- there’s some dull blogs out there, preachy blogs out there and weird blogs out there. I won’t read about prophecies, hemorrhoid cream or ‘how to make this year the most successful yet’.

Blogging is even more liberating than Facebook. Facebook is a polite venue of conversation. Blogging is personal, (sometimes too personal) it can be rants, mushy sentimentality, ridiculous pictures of cats… I think what’s really weird about it is, I hated writing when I was growing up. I didn’t do very well on my essays in high school. The Beowulf midterm was a little sketchy. And I remember the Macbeth paper I was supposed to write in AP English. I don’t think I ever turned it in. Seriously. I had this aversion to writing. An English teacher in high school told me my writing was awful. Really. That’s what he said. He was proofing my essay on Shakespeare’s Julius Ceasar. And as he stroked his red pen all over the page, he shakes his head and says, ‘Gee, Rebecca, your writing is awful.’  He should’ve been fired. Well, okay, not fired. But I should’ve gotten all Glee on him and told him he isn’t supposed to wreck my self esteem like that. He needs to be more constructive in his criticism and not crush me.

I was an executive assistant for a start up company in my early twenties. The VP asked me to write an article for some environmental city official for some project we were working on. I froze. Don’t ask me to write! I can answer phones, do excel, expense reports, Microsoft Project, make coffee, whatever… just don’t make me write. In my own words.

I did. And I lived through it.

I was a theater major for crying out loud! I focused on acting. I never understood people who wanted to turn in screen plays or manuscripts. I liked to be told what to do. I was the puppet, the clay to be molded. I liked directors to tell me what to do.

I don’t know what changed. Facebook maybe? I am a constant proofer. I can’t stand errors and grammatical misuses. I like making up my own words though. Like ‘glowy’ and ‘thingy’ and anything else I can just add a ‘y’ to.

Blogging is like that annual Christmas letter you put with your Christmas photo each year and send to the relatives. Mostly the ones that aren’t on Facebook since everyone else knows what’s going on in your life. With a blog, each entry is like my annual Christmas letter. I get to brag, whine, gloat, preach, rant, rave whatever… Not that I would DO that in a Christmas letter. Maybe the brag part. Or the preach part.

I get to pretend I work for a fashion or beauty magazine and I’m the editor. I’m going to grace you with all this useful information! Suckers!!

I’m just muddling through really. And thanks for muddling along with me.

This was a boring ass post. My apologies. Here for fun- I will add a silly picture from the internet.