Follow on Bloglovin>
Ebates Coupons and Cash Back

Green Giant’s butt

I have no real theme for this post. It’s pretty random. But it gets things off my chest. If all those things on my chest only helped my bra size, that would be really interesting.

Anyway…

something the Pre-teen said last night when I gave her homeopathic cold medicine. I know, some of you are like, ‘homeopathic’, is that a shot of whisky? And my answer is no, I tried that and she threatened to call CPS on me. There’s this product from Whole Foods called Kick Ass Sinus which I firmly believe in. It really shortens the duration of the cold. I sound like a commercial. Let’s say, it has an herbal flavor to it.

Upon drinking the two dropper fulls I put on Emma’s tongue, she swallows, scrunches up her face, shudders, quickly grabs the water chaser glass and says between gulps, “that tasted like butt”.

So I said, “Isn’t it kind of plant-y tasting though too?”

She says, “Yeah, it’s like vegetable butt. If I had to smell the Green Giant’s butt, that’s what it would smell like.”

She’s 11. Call Jon Stewart- this girl is working at the Daily Show! Okay, I want to work at the Daily Show. Only because I have a talent crush on Jon Stewart. I would so bring him coffee if he wanted me to.

While I’m getting things off my chest:

I hate Words With Friends

It’s stupid. There is something rigged on that game for sure. I always lose. I never get full credit for the great words I come up with. I’m always about 100 points behind my ‘friend’ I’m playing. I’m starting to call it Words with People that are Smarter than Me.

For example-

the other day I played the word ‘dildo’. You would think that is a high score word. Like 30 points. Wrong. 8 points. 8 whole fucking points.

Then I played, ‘diaper’. I even had tiles on the Triple Word, Double Letter whatever tiles. Diaper equaled 9 points.

Then my ‘friend’ or person smarter than me plays, ‘sit’ and gets like 40 points. WTF? Seriously. It’s out to get me.

I told you it was random. What do you expect for Monday?

Green Giant’s butt

I have no real theme for this post. It’s pretty random. But it gets things off my chest. If all those things on my chest only helped my bra size, that would be really interesting.

Anyway…

something the Pre-teen said last night when I gave her homeopathic cold medicine. I know, some of you are like, ‘homeopathic’, is that a shot of whisky? And my answer is no, I tried that and she threatened to call CPS on me. There’s this product from Whole Foods called Kick Ass Sinus which I firmly believe in. It really shortens the duration of the cold. I sound like a commercial. Let’s say, it has an herbal flavor to it.

Upon drinking the two dropper fulls I put on Emma’s tongue, she swallows, scrunches up her face, shudders, quickly grabs the water chaser glass and says between gulps, “that tasted like butt”.

So I said, “Isn’t it kind of plant-y tasting though too?”

She says, “Yeah, it’s like vegetable butt. If I had to smell the Green Giant’s butt, that’s what it would smell like.”

She’s 11. Call Jon Stewart- this girl is working at the Daily Show! Okay, I want to work at the Daily Show. Only because I have a talent crush on Jon Stewart. I would so bring him coffee if he wanted me to.

While I’m getting things off my chest:

I hate Words With Friends

It’s stupid. There is something rigged on that game for sure. I always lose. I never get full credit for the great words I come up with. I’m always about 100 points behind my ‘friend’ I’m playing. I’m starting to call it Words with People that are Smarter than Me.

For example-

the other day I played the word ‘dildo’. You would think that is a high score word. Like 30 points. Wrong. 8 points. 8 whole fucking points.

Then I played, ‘diaper’. I even had tiles on the Triple Word, Double Letter whatever tiles. Diaper equaled 9 points.

Then my ‘friend’ or person smarter than me plays, ‘sit’ and gets like 40 points. WTF? Seriously. It’s out to get me.

I told you it was random. What do you expect for Monday?

Pet Peeves 2.0 or rather, Stuff That Pisses Me Off.

I like to point out the ridiculous and nonsensical. Common sense isn’t so common people. Have you seen the Darwin Awards?

I forgot a few pissy items from my last list. (It will always be a work in progress.) In honor of 2012, here’s 12 things that rub me the wrong way. (Or when the children aren’t around, make me say, WTF.)

1. Baby on Board placards in people cars. So what? Thank you for sharing that with me. I will try not to run my car up your car’s ass.

2. All disposable razors marketed in the US for men AND women. Really? 5 blades? Mach 6? Pretty soon razors are going to look like a wood rasp from your Grandpa’s work shop. We’ll just slice it all off in one swipe.

3. People that don’t have call-waiting or don’t know how to use it.

4. Elizabeth Hasslebeck

5. People who wear pajama bottoms in public.

6. People that still use the word ‘gay’ as a description for something stupid or silly. Like, “did you see Gigli with Ben Affleck, it was so gay.”

7. Bank of America

8. The improper use of then, than, your and you’re. Especially on Facebook.

9. When you sit down with a fresh cup of coffee and the dog scratches to go out.

10. Man boobs on children

11. Men who think their penis is attractive enough to send a picture of it to someone. Especially politicians or sports celebrities that do this. FYI- Penises are ugly.

12. Alduteresses that come forward to sell their story in the media and then hire Gloria Allred to represent them.

Quick, just a few more days until the Apocalypse.

Or The Dog Days are Over… if you didn’t like 2011. Cue Florence  + The Machine. (Emma has given me permission to record and post her Florence  impersonation. It’s freakin’ awesome. But not yet, I haven’t had the chance to do all the techy stuff. But it will be good. I promise.)

It’s after Christmas and before New Year’s. That means, it’s time for a year in review. It’s already 2011. Gone. Unfreakinbelievable. Where has the time gone. Wasn’t it just 1999? Remember Y2K? Yeah. Ha, ha. That was a joke the size of Kim Kardashian’s wedding. Hardy har har.

You get enough countdowns, and Best Of lists in the media. This will be MY list. Because, it’s all about me really.

1. I started blogging. Yeah. It’s life changing. Not in a win the lottery type of way. In the oh-you-have-a-house-guest-that-sits-around-your-house-all-day-and-does-nothing-and-oh-wait-it’s-just-mom. Yeah. Like that. It’s like writing that Christmas newsletter about yourself and your family every day for people to read. Some hate it. Some hate it less. I save a lot on paper now.

2. I fell in love with giant metal chickens and and a blogger named The Bloggess. Not as in fall in love Daniel Craig style. Fall in love with a cool girl at school kind.

3. I started using the ‘F’ word more often. My children are horrified. I blame The Bloggess.

4. Emma started middle school and we survived. I will update this when she turns 16 and starts driving. Hopefully, with the same results.

5. I ran my 3rd 5k with Race for the Cure. No joke.

6. Emma and I climbed all 69 flights of  the Columbia Tower to raise money for the Leukemia and Lymphoma society. Again, no joke.

7. I met Pitbull and he kissed me on the cheek. Okay, he kisses EVERYONE on the cheek.

8. My husband finally cleaned the garage. (This should be #1)

9. I got up early to watch the Royal Wedding.

10. Two of my friends conquered cancer. Oh wait. THIS should be #1. Best for last.

Happy Mayan Apocalypse Year!

Oh really, you’re too kind. No really, you shouldn’t have. Okay, yes you should.

How’s this for irony? Last night I was watching the Kennedy Center Honors. Meryl Streep was being honored. ‘Nuff said. She is the BOMB. It was fantastic and she looks fantastic and one day I will meet her. Oprah says if you put it out there in the universe then it will happen. So there.

I went to bed dreaming of Meryl, the Oscars and how I will congratulate her on her win, because the woman has been nominated 16 times and she’s bound to be nominated for the 17th time this year and they sure as hell better just give  her the damn thing. I also thought of Rooney Mara, because she is just really cool.

And then I woke up and saw that a fellow WordPress blogger had honored me with the 7 x 7 Award! Yay me!

This was bestowed upon me by The Dissemination of Thought. A clever guy that writes and feels I’m clever too. That, or it’s just a cruel joke, like in Little House on the Prairie when they nominated that one kid for class president only to make him do yucky, awful things.

I’m supposed to list 7 of my blog posts and what is so great about them. These are hand picked by me and not my mother. So they will probably have swear words, and Daniel Craig. Poor James.

Here goes:

Most Beautiful- My post to my dad on his 80th birthday. So sweet. Ode to My Dad

Most Helpful- I would like to say my post about surviving the holidays, or any of my product features, but in reality it was my post called Medicated and Proud of It. A lot of people related to my rants on how to survive the day to day and see through the bullshit.

Most Popular– My post for Ashley and her completion of chemo. I think her whole family read it, that’s why it was such a busy site day! Dedicated to Ashley

Most Controversial– Well, I’m guessing it was my post on the show Glee and teen sex. Go figure. Glee- Coming out, First Times, and More Parental Anxiety

Most Surprisingly Successful– This sounds like, ‘oh, I wrote this and thought it was crap, but apparently you’re either stupid or it was better than I thought’. It was my fantastic list on parenting. Things You’ll Do Because You Are Parents

Most Underrated- Definitely my post on Ben & Jerry’s Schweddy Balls. Dang I thought this one was superb! Dear Ben and Jerry’s

Most Pride-worthy– Only because it probably means more to me than anyone else. When Owen gushed his love for us at Thanksgiving. My Cup Runneth Over and My Heart Melteth and My Eyes Teareth

So there you have it. See for yourself what you think. I have like frickin’ 60 posts published, so there’s lots to choose from. Go ahead, waste your time and read all of them.

You’re welcome.

Here’s 7 blogs I enjoy too that I’ve bestowed the 7 x 7 Link Award. Like a chain letter sort of.

Never Done it That Way Before

Run DMT

Stay Out of My Head

On My Square

Becoming Cliche

Mixed Gems

Yummy Mummy

Holy nubbins Batman, they DO have Puberty Barbie.

Okay, normally I don’t post twice in one day. But I had to do a post script to my post Do Toy Execs Think Parents Are Idiots.

My friend Betsy pointed out that they did have Puberty Barbie. It was called Growing Up Skipper. It grew boobies when you spun her arm.

I wish I could grow my boobies just by spinning my arms.

And any of you folks out there that still own this baby from 1975 (in the box of course), it’s going for $300 on Amazon. I gotta get me one with my Cher Barbie!

Mattel's version of Puberty Barbie

Do toy execs think parents are idiots?

Have any of you seen the commercial for Squishy Baff? Yes, Baff. Not bath. No, that would be too grammatically correct.  I guess poor grammar sells things straight to our kiddos little hearts. It sounds cute that way, you know, more fun. Serious doesn’t sell. Obviously. Things need to be spelled like Play doh, Li’l instead of ‘little’, and ‘N instead of ‘and’.

I may be way out of line here. But isn’t that what people say that can’t or don’t say they’re ‘th’s. Like when you’re 3 and you say  ‘free’ when asked how old you are. Or you speak in Ebonics. Bill Cosby would not approve.

So this product is a powder that you put in your kids’ bath water for it to turn to a slushy. 7-11 style. It’s gross. I don’t want to bathe in squishy, slushy stuff, that comes in colors. The trick is that it turns back into water for you to rinse it down your drain.

I however am not brave enough (or stupid) to try it out and see if it really does in fact, NOT harm plumbing.

Here’s the commercial on their website:

Squishy Baff

Two aspects of this website crack me up:

1) It’s ONLY thirty bucks to make a hell of a mess up to 4 times for your kids.

2) If you wanted it guaranteed for Christmas delivery, you had to order by Dec. 11. If you want ‘likely’ Christmas delivery, the 15th is the best you can do. What does this company use, Pony Express?

I guess this product has been around for a few years. I saw the commercial last week on Nickelodeon.

I think this rates right up there with Moon Sand and a drum set in terms of nightmare toys for kids.

What’s next Puberty Barbie?

Things I learned this holiday

Christmas 2011 is in the books. It came and went without a migraine, sinus infection or tantrum. And the kids did well too. (Ba da bump) I was even CHEERFUL  on Christmas Eve. I think my criticism was at a minimum and I even sang in the shower. Christmas carols of course, Angela Lansbury style. What’s Angela Landsbury style you ask? Watch Beauty and the Beast and picture Mrs. Potts singing Christmas songs. THAT’s what I sounded like. It sounded really good to me. In the shower.

1. Mulled wine tastes better when you add lots of sugar.

2. 2 old fashions and a gin and tonic consumed in one afternoon at the in-laws really cuts through any worry or stress brought on by holiday visits.

3. I look 10 pounds heavier in pictures.

4. I look 15 pounds heavier in pictures that are taken of me sitting down.

5. 4 year olds and paint that’s not water soluble don’t mix.

6. When your children are 8 and 11, you don’t have those fucking zip ties on all their crap they get. That’s because they don’t get toys and shit, just expensive electronics.

7. Everything tastes better with half-n-half.

8. Having a dozen candles lit with the fireplace going in our living room sets off every smoke detector in our house.

9. The smoke detectors in our house stop beeping after about 30 seconds once you open some windows.

10. Everything tastes better with mascarpone in it.

11. The movie, The Grinch with Jim Carrey is way too long and annoying to watch with your kids at night when you’ve been up since 5 am. Just stick with the original animated 30 minute version.

12. I have the sweetest, most grateful children. We’ll see what the next 364 days bring.

13. Despite my griping and bitching this whole month, I really do love the holidays. (Shh, don’t tell anyone) AND, I get kind of mopey during January when there’s no holiday pressure to entertain me. I know. I’m just weird.

14. Blogging doesn’t burn as many calories as running on the treadmill. I tried it and my experiment failed. See #s 3 and 4.

15. The dog will eat the cookies you leave out for Santa.

Pet Peeves

Of all things in this world, my pets are the least peevish. So I don’t know where the phrase ‘pet peeve’ came from. I do know that in Harry Potter, the books, not the movies, Peeves is an annoying ghost playing mischief in the halls of Hogwarts.

I’m good at complaining so I thought I would make a list.

These things really get in my craw:

1. Telling me to be 15 minutes early to an appointment. Oh yeah? Why not YOU be ready 15 minutes early for ME? That’s just stupid. You’re lucky I show up on time to begin with and now you want me early? Pffft. Yeah right.

2. The disclaimer on milk that says, “does not contain RBST from cows treated with hormones, not that there’s a significant difference anyway”. Okay, that’s not the actual quote, but it translates to something like this: “Our milk doesn’t have estrogen in it, but if it did, the FDA says you wouldn’t notice a difference.” Oh okay then. Except my six year old has boobs.

3. When you say ‘thank you’ to someone and their response is ‘no problem’. What happened to ‘you’re welcome’? When I shop at your store, you hand me my receipt, I say ‘Thank you’, you SHOULD NOT say, ‘no problem’. It’s like, ‘yeah, I got commission on this sale and all, but it’s no problem that I had to interrupt texting my boyfriend or that I would rather be getting an eyebrow wax now instead of helping you try on shoes.’ Drives me bonkers.

4. Someone cutting their toenails. Period. Eww. Don’t want to ever hear that noise. Not from my husband.  Not even the place that does pedicures. Hate the sound. Hate it.

5. The kiosks at the mall with the sales people that jump out at you and want to flat iron your hair. I like my hair just fine the way it is and stop chasing me with anti-frizz serum.

6. The ‘hygiene’ liners on swim suit bottoms in the stores. What is up with that? Because that flimsy sticker on the crotch is going to protect me from all things herpes/yeast infection. News flash- I’m going to wash them anyway before I wear them AND I wear underwear in the store when trying them on in the first place. If anyone relies on that sticker, you’ve got another thing coming.

7. Donald Trump.

8. Camel Toe. Look it up if you don’t know what I”m talking about.

9. The people in the parking lot at my kids’ schools that idle their cars for 30 minutes while parked in the primo pick up spot waiting for the bell to ring. If that is you, I’d like to ask why you literally enjoy burning fuel needlessly? Is it so cheap you wish you could use it up faster? You don’t like polar bears? If you’re cold, it’s called wear a coat. It doesn’t get below 40 degrees in these parts. And if it does, grow a pair and deal.

10. Those squeaky shoes Asian people put on their babies. I don’t have anything against Asians, just those squeaky shoes. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a white kid in them.  And why in THE hell do they have to put them on their kids’ feet in the mall? JesusMaryandJoseph, can’t I shop in peace?

Bucket list item # 10; kiss a snake- check.

I have some fears and phobias like most people. Fear of heights. Fear of spiders (make that fear of anything that crawls with more than 4 legs). Fear of water. Drowning has got to be the worst way to die. Fear of snakes. Like Indiana Jones fear of snakes.

At my niece and nephews’ birthday party they had the Reptile Man. He’s famous in our parts and kids love him. He brings alligators, tortoises, snakes and lizards. In his snake collection he has a rattle snake, a cobra, a python and a boa.  If he had a tarantula, centipede or scorpion, I would have locked myself in the bathroom. Then he wouldn’t be the Reptile Man I guess, he’d be Crazy Insect Guy.

My only experience with boa constrictors was the poem by Shel Silverstein. Apparently, they don’t actually eat people. Boa’s have never killed a human. This is what the Reptile Guy tells all the trusting little 4 and 5 year olds he’s letting pet these creatures.

I’m not sure what possessed me to raise my hand when he asked for volunteers to hold the boa. This was by the end of his presentation and I was feeling comfortable with all these scaly things.  That, or it was the stench of all those cold blooded things in the room had fogged my senses. They did stink. Reason number 45 why Owen is never getting one as a pet.  Anyway, around my neck it goes and first thing it does is start smelling my face. You know- with it’s TONGUE.  It felt like it was kissing me. Now, I don’t have any expertise, but I think this snake knows high-end beauty products. Clearly, this snake has been to Nordstrom and Sephora and I must’ve smelled like home to it. It wouldn’t get out of my face. (See picture)

So whatever snake dancing Britney Spears did on stage at the Video Music Awards is child’s play compared to my canoodling the boa.

I’ve decided my training for Fear Factor is well under way. Next up- spiders.

Are you fucking out of your mind? As if.

Like next we’ll go to some kids party with bungee jumping and I’ll be all, ‘pick me, pick me’. Uhm no.

Am I still afraid of snakes you ask. Well, no. Not afraid of ones that are in crates with the Reptile Guy. However, I have no plans to go to Africa or Brazil any time soon and test my fears in the wild, thankyouverymuch.

What a wuss. She's hardly letting it touch her.

Can't you tell I'm smiling. It's saying, "Oh, I love how your skin smells."