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A Tutorial on Spanx*

*Or, how to stuff your muffin top into a Lycra tube.

Listen ladies (and men, cuz there is SPANX for men out there, but let’s pretend we didn’t know that), it’s not that hard. I’ve been wearing SPANX for years.

Yes, it’s a fancy name for a girdle. Yes, it’s not cheap to buy at Nordstrom. HOWEVER, it’s a helluva lot more comfortable than the old fashioned girdles of the 50s. I don’t know this personally. I’m only 40. But I can only guess since back then, the fabric didn’t ‘breathe’ a whole lot.

So yes, SPANX can be uncomfortable. Yes, SPANX can be hot in summer. And yes, there is that weird crotch hole in some. I will explain more on that later. BUT- it does slim, trim and whittle you down under clothes. I don’t care what size you are- the point is to be smooth and bulge-free under your clothes.

So if you are bulging out over your pants, or your back fat over your bra- then you’re wearing the wrong garment. Everyone’s complaint about Spanx is that it just pushes the fat to a different place. Well, that’s not entirely true. You need to push the fat IN and spread it OUT under the steel clad grip of the garment.

Oh and just a side note- the crotch hole is only for peeing. Not for pooping or sex. Just don’t go there.

I’ll demonstrate. Please sit back and enjoy this lengthy movie I made for your viewing pleasure. It’s like an infomercial. A little redundant, not as long, and DEFINITELY way more entertaining.

And I was not endorsed by SPANX at all in the making of this video. But I gotta say, if Sara Blakely wants to come and deliver me a truckload of these things, I’m her gal. Yes- I put SPANX on in the video.  You’ll see.  Have I NO SHAME?

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