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AYFKM? Round 2

I have to get this off my chest. My tiny little 32B chest. Sorry. TMI?

Toddlers and Tiaras

I know, I know. This show gets flack all over the place. We can’t complain enough about it. Emma will watch it now and then. She has my weakness for crap television. A sad trait she’s inherited. The episode she watched the other day had a 3 year old and a 2 year old. Now I know the show is called TODDLERS and Tiaras, hence the Toddlers. But sometimes they have 5 and 6 year olds. These were real toddlers. Or as Emma calls them ‘baby childs’. And she’s not from the south.

The 3 year old’s mom was explaining that during the swimsuit competition it’s very important to have a tan. Her words, “since she’s bi-racial, she needs more color in her skin than she has.” So you know what she did??? She laid her kid out in the sun to TAN! For real! A TAN! Like the kind 99% of us moms avoid and slather our baby childs with 1300SPF! For God’s sake woman, have you not heard of skin cancer???

The 2 year old’s mom was glamming up her 2 year old with full make up. Eye lashes, liner, lipstick. The works. The dad says, “it’s a little weird to see my baby all looking like a 16 year old.” Ya Think?? Then the mom says, “I’m worried about the Natural portion of the pageant. This pageant has a segment where flippers (false teeth) and makeup are not allowed. It might be strange to not have her wearing makeup.”

OH MY GOD! She’s 2!! AYFKM?? She should be au natural. She has nothing to hide or emphasize yet because SHE’S A BABY!

Next thing you know they’ll be saying, ‘oh it’s so weird for her to be in the swimsuit competition and not wear her chicken cutlets in her bikini top. Seeing her without cleavage is just odd.’

This is totally normal. She's already 18months old. (taken from astrick-playground.com)

Of course! The Julia Roberts hooker costume. Perfect. (from xfinity.comcast.net)

My other gripe today is ParaGard. The new copper IUD that is being advertised on all the chick networks. I keep seeing this commercial while Emma is watching Toddlers and Tiaras which is sort of causing me to have angina and I should just stop.

Anywho- this form of birth control of course has a disclaimer. Sure. Of course. When it says, ‘in cases where the implant becomes attached or pokes through the uterine wall, other problems may occur.” Well no shit.

Charmin Commercials:

The ones with the bears. When the bear comes out of the bathroom, yes bathroom, not the woods, and has paper crumbs on its backside. ‘NO one likes toilet paper pieces left behind” blah blah blah. “It won’t pass inspection with mom…” Hmmmm, I don’t check my kids ass for wipe control! Usually they share plenty with me. Subjecting them to wipe inspection isn’t something in my parenting. Maybe when you’re a bear though…

I’m not alone in my AYFKM? gripe with this one. When I googled Charmin commercials- there were a dozen other bloggers and Youtube videos expressing the weirdness of their slogan, “everyone goes, but those that go with Charmin, enjoy the go”. Oh dear God. Bring back Mr. Wipple.

Enjoy the Go

ParaGard risks

Welcome to the segment I like to call- people who I hope aren’t really stupid but just say stupid things.

When you are a parent you are open to a huge amount of unsolicited advice and questions about your parenting and/or your children.

It starts with pregnancy-

When are you due? Okay this one is harmless and I ask it too.

Why didn't I think of this? Mine would have had a nice 'now STFU' embroidered underneath it.

What are you having? A baby.

Oh you aren’t big at all. Seriously? I’ve gained 40 pounds, can’t see my feet or tie my shoes, and when I sit on the toilet I lean back because my belly hits my knees;  but sure, I am so petite. Yeah.

Oh you are big. No shit.

Then comes the baby-

What’s his name? HER name is….was the pink hat a clue? How about the dress? I don’t mind gender neutral babies, people who don’t like pink fluffy stuff. That’s fine. But if the baby is wearing pink, I’m pretty darn sure it’s a girl.

"CUTE! What's his name?"

The following questions are my favorite:

My friend is half Korean, her husband is Chinese. Her daughters both look Asian. I guess my friend looks less Asian. While out with her infant daughter at a store, a woman asked, “Where did you get her?” I guess she meant what country and that my friend’s daughter looked nothing like her; ergo she’s adopted. Whatevs.

"Cute baby. Where did you get it?"


My husband’s cousin has three children. I am one of three children. My husband is one of three children. There’s a lot of people with three children. When mentioned cousin was out with all three of her children the other day the words, ‘you have your hands full‘ were used. This is par for the course. Then, the woman asked, ‘Are they all yours?‘ She’s not Octomom for crying out loud!

"OOH, she looks like she has her hands full." Duh.

Other mundane conversation starters- Is he sleeping through the night? You’re using cloth diapers? Good luck with that!

She still sleeps in your bed?

You’re STILL breast feeding?    What? It’s not like he’s TEN!

OOh, you STOPPED breast feeding? That’s sad.  My nipples had fallen off and the doctor recommended I stop.

You look tired.

Thanks. I am. Of you.

This picture is so unrealistic. I haven't gotten an ironing board out in 12 years.

AYFKM?* : Boob vouchers

“I can’t wait to be like mummy with big boobies. They’re so pretty.” Poppy, age 7.

No, not me or my daughter. That doesn’t run in this family.

Do the blogging gods just make this stuff up? Does it magically fall in to my lap so I can poke fun at the unsuspecting half-wits?

A mom in the UK gave her daughter a voucher of liposuction as a Christmas present to be redeemed when she is 16. She already gave her a voucher for her birthday for breast augmentation to be used later as well.

Mummy has had over 50,000 UK Pounds of work done on herself. That’s as in currency, not silicone.

When responding to criticism, she says, “Poppy (the daughter) is a normal girl, like any other. Girls don’t want Snow White and Cinderella anymore. They want to be WAGs.”

A WAG is a British term for a wife or girlfriend of a high profile soccer star. Oh my GOODNESS! It’s like what we call an MRS degree!

Only they don’t go to college for it, they get plastic surgery for it. I guess that means there’s soccer groupies that hang out after games with their big boobs, skinny arms and pouty lips. PUHLEEZE!

We can’t all be brilliant Tina Feys or Madeline Albrights; self-described unattractive females with enormous BRAINS. (I know, who else would lump those two together but me?)  Some like being intellectual, bookish, brainy. Like Sarah Vowell. Incredibly witty, with an edge, a dry side that you never know what is going to come out of that head of theirs. Talent, success based on talent. Shall I go on?

To each his own. I’m not against plastic surgery. I wish the tummy tuck fairies would come in my sleep and do their job. I might even get Botox one day. (Oh hush James).  I like pageant girls too. The Miss America scholarship kind. NOT the Toddlers and Tiaras kind.

Sorry, but white trash getting behind on your trailer payments so your daughter can be Grand Supreme (sounds like a burrito) and wear a crown bigger than her head, just isn’t right. Especially when they whine and cry the whole time. Because we need more shows with kids whining and crying.

Poppy’s mom is an event planner for plastic surgery and swinging parties. Wow, you folks in the UK don’t mess around do you? I mean, you do, but, well, you know what I mean.

She idolizes the UK media sensation Cheryl Cole. Didn’t she get fired from Simon Cowell’s show and is divorced from her husband Ashley? Psst. He’s a guy that cheated with a woman from these parts and she sold her story to a British tabloid. Google it.

Ridiculous UK Daily Mail article of Poppy the wunderkind

I can't tell if she's excited or her face is just frozen that way from Botox.

*Are You Fucking Kidding Me?

Am I too old for Cosmo?

A recent article online featured trends that women love but men hate.

I’m going to say, most women I know, don’t care for them either. Unless this article  got their stats from Cosmopolitan or Seventeen magazine, then I’m pretty sure, no one I know is sporting any of these trends soon.

Here’s the article:

Make up Women Love but Men Hate

I will be turning 40 this year.  I’m good with this. There are parts of me I would like to trade with my 20 year old self and then preserve them forever by means of exercise, diet or habits. But that’s not going to happen. If I could talk to my 20 year old self, I would say, work out because the skinny doesn’t last and the flabbier you are, the more it sags with time. I would also say to that 20 year old self, stop trying to get a tan! Ahh youth, wasted on the young, right?

Most of my friends are in their 30s and 40s as well. So last I checked, no one I knows wears neon lipstick, bold eyeshadow or  thick, cakey makeup. Where does Yahoo get their stories from? Who are these women that ‘love’ these looks?

My day pretty much consists of- my home, the bus stop, one of my kids’ schools, a PTA meeting, a trip to Target or the gym, and maybe coffee with a friend. So unless I’m sporting glitter at the PTA meeting, I’m not partaking in the latest make up trend.  I guess I could start wearing glitter to PTA meetings and then everyone will wonder if I’ve started moonlighting as one of those bikini baristas or something to earn some extra money.

This really brings out my eye color.

How's this for a natural 'day' look?

Confession-

I DO have a subscription to Cosmopolitan. I have to hide it from my kids. It’s embarrassing. And let me just say, the only reason I have it, is because I got a Groupon and the subscription was 12 months for $10. I figured I could benefit from the bedroom advice, and maybe beauty articles. Obviously, I am not the demographic this magazine writes for! I am not 20, I don’t have a boyfriend I’m looking to snag, I do have children, and I don’t need advice on a pushy boss that is out to get me. Most everything in these pages is over the top. Am I that much of a prude or am I just acting my age?

HINT- there's a few articles about sex in there.

Am I too old for Cosmo?

A recent article online featured trends that women love but men hate.

I’m going to say, most women I know, don’t care for them either. Unless this article  got their stats from Cosmopolitan or Seventeen magazine, then I’m pretty sure, no one I know is sporting any of these trends soon.

Here’s the article:

Make up Women Love but Men Hate

I will be turning 40 this year.  I’m good with this. There are parts of me I would like to trade with my 20 year old self and then preserve them forever by means of exercise, diet or habits. But that’s not going to happen. If I could talk to my 20 year old self, I would say, work out because the skinny doesn’t last and the flabbier you are, the more it sags with time. I would also say to that 20 year old self, stop trying to get a tan! Ahh youth, wasted on the young, right?

Most of my friends are in their 30s and 40s as well. So last I checked, no one I knows wears neon lipstick, bold eyeshadow or  thick, cakey makeup. Where does Yahoo get their stories from? Who are these women that ‘love’ these looks?

My day pretty much consists of- my home, the bus stop, one of my kids’ schools, a PTA meeting, a trip to Target or the gym, and maybe coffee with a friend. So unless I’m sporting glitter at the PTA meeting, I’m not partaking in the latest make up trend.  I guess I could start wearing glitter to PTA meetings and then everyone will wonder if I’ve started moonlighting as one of those bikini baristas or something to earn some extra money.

This really brings out my eye color.

How's this for a natural 'day' look?

Confession-

I DO have a subscription to Cosmopolitan. I have to hide it from my kids. It’s embarrassing. And let me just say, the only reason I have it, is because I got a Groupon and the subscription was 12 months for $10. I figured I could benefit from the bedroom advice, and maybe beauty articles. Obviously, I am not the demographic this magazine writes for! I am not 20, I don’t have a boyfriend I’m looking to snag, I do have children, and I don’t need advice on a pushy boss that is out to get me. Most everything in these pages is over the top. Am I that much of a prude or am I just acting my age?

HINT- there's a few articles about sex in there.

Bigfoot, PosTvac- which is which?

One is a mythical giant, furry, erect primate. One is just an erect primate. Can’t figure out which is which?

First, I find it funny that all these scientists on the History Channel continue to hunt Bigfoot. If he was real, wouldn’t we have seen him by now? But Chupacabras those are real.  I’m certain. There’s hours and hours of footage of people searching Bigfoot. I like the History Channel. It has all those programs on Jesus and Pearl Harbor, and shows about Hitler and the Shroud of Turin. I put a great deal of respect into the History Channel. They need to have shows on Bigfoot on the Syfy Channel, along with ones on UFOs and crop circles. The History Channel is like school. It shouldn’t be for mythical creatures. What’s next- unicorns? I know, I know. How can I not believe in Bigfoot? I’m disappointing The Bloggess for sure.

PosTvac. Let’s just say, PosT-ridonkulus. Here’s the commercial:

Are you shitting me? Medicare and major insurance companies pay for this!

I didn’t expect to see a black dude in this commercial.

What’s with all the slow dancing in the kitchen and spinning your lady on a tire swing?

Quote from the one weird guy with a mustache- “If you have a brain in your head, then call this 800 number.”

Quote from other weird guy with a mustache- oh, wait, same guy, “why leave the best thing in life, out of your life”.

Let me just make a point here-

I have no problem with men needing to seek solutions for their erectile dysfunction. I think everyone should have such a happy, fulfilling sex life.

BUT WHY IN HEAVEN’S NAME DOES IT ALWAYS HAVE TO BE ABOUT THE PENIS? and yes, I’M YELLING!

I just feel a little left out. That’s all.