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A Tutorial on Spanx*

*Or, how to stuff your muffin top into a Lycra tube.

Listen ladies (and men, cuz there is SPANX for men out there, but let’s pretend we didn’t know that), it’s not that hard. I’ve been wearing SPANX for years.

Yes, it’s a fancy name for a girdle. Yes, it’s not cheap to buy at Nordstrom. HOWEVER, it’s a helluva lot more comfortable than the old fashioned girdles of the 50s. I don’t know this personally. I’m only 40. But I can only guess since back then, the fabric didn’t ‘breathe’ a whole lot.

So yes, SPANX can be uncomfortable. Yes, SPANX can be hot in summer. And yes, there is that weird crotch hole in some. I will explain more on that later. BUT- it does slim, trim and whittle you down under clothes. I don’t care what size you are- the point is to be smooth and bulge-free under your clothes.

So if you are bulging out over your pants, or your back fat over your bra- then you’re wearing the wrong garment. Everyone’s complaint about Spanx is that it just pushes the fat to a different place. Well, that’s not entirely true. You need to push the fat IN and spread it OUT under the steel clad grip of the garment.

Oh and just a side note- the crotch hole is only for peeing. Not for pooping or sex. Just don’t go there.

I’ll demonstrate. Please sit back and enjoy this lengthy movie I made for your viewing pleasure. It’s like an infomercial. A little redundant, not as long, and DEFINITELY way more entertaining.

And I was not endorsed by SPANX at all in the making of this video. But I gotta say, if Sara Blakely wants to come and deliver me a truckload of these things, I’m her gal. Yes- I put SPANX on in the video.  You’ll see.  Have I NO SHAME?

Buy my book!

Oh, look- under there. Under where? Haha, made you say underwear!!

What does your underwear say about you?

For starters- let’s hope it says you do the laundry and that it’s clean.

 

Undergarments. Yay or nay? I love my undergarments. But I found out (dun da dun) not everyone does!! Some of my friends don’t even wear underwear!! EWW!! So I’ve decided to compile four groups of women and their philosophies about undergarments. I am using the Mad Men ladies to illustrate my point. I mean, because… well, why not??!! They are fine ladies and back then in the 60s, fashion was really going through a lot of changes. But I will also sort of use a time machine to introduce things like thongs and SPANX. Since they didn’t have those back then. They still wore belts with their feminine products for crying out loud!

 

 

 

Then we have our undergarment categories:

Commando (that’s no underwear, BTW)

Thong

Granny brief

Boy short with lace

Here is how I think the girls match up to the underwear or lack of.  Decide who you match up with in YOUR undergarment preferences. Can you guess who I am?

Joan- Commando. This girl is not to be bothered with visible panty lines or any extra fabric for that matter. She wears SPANX slips under her pencil skirts and cocktail dresses. She is sleek and smooth. On weekends, she wears peddle pushers and silk negligees. Commando. Totally. She is fearless and knows her shit. This girl would not be caught dead in yoga pants or anything else like from our time. And she would NEVER let her man see her stuff herself into her SPANX either. (ahem, nothing to see here, move along. NOT that I’VE done that, oh no. Maybe once.)

This is oh so Joanie. AND it still allows for Commando.

Betty- Thong. She is stuck in the middle. She probably would love to go Commando but thinks it would be unsanitary. She doesn’t want to soil more garments than she should. And she’s such a twig she doesn’t need the support of any garments to hold in flab.  She opts for zero panty lines, but with some crotch coverage, just in case, for you know, female stuff.

We’re not talking G-string here. Still demure enough for Betty.

Peggy- Granny briefs. Peggy’s strict Catholic upbringing has instilled in her that good girls wear ginormous underwear. She likes the security it gives her. Girdles and support hose will help with the panty lines. She needs coverage all the time, 24/7. Despite her struggles to be ‘one of the guys’ at the office professionally, she still asserts her feminine side and isn’t shy of feeling sexy, despite the granny pants she has underneath her pencil skirt. She’s uber confident that way.

Comfortable and soft. Perfect for Peggy types.

Trudy- Boy shorts with lace. Trudy is complex. She wants everything without coming across needy, bitchy or slutty. Comfort, no panty lines, sex appeal, coverage. She’s not just a little housewife. She needs to keep her husband interested. She needs to know that in case of an emergency she’ll have coverage where she needs it. (What emergency? you ask.) Well, like what if she sneezes and looses a little bladder control. It’s not her fault she doesn’t know what kegels are.

Comfy AND alluring, dontcha think?

So there you have it.

My underwear philosophies. To each her own, right?