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AYFKM? Round 2

I have to get this off my chest. My tiny little 32B chest. Sorry. TMI?

Toddlers and Tiaras

I know, I know. This show gets flack all over the place. We can’t complain enough about it. Emma will watch it now and then. She has my weakness for crap television. A sad trait she’s inherited. The episode she watched the other day had a 3 year old and a 2 year old. Now I know the show is called TODDLERS and Tiaras, hence the Toddlers. But sometimes they have 5 and 6 year olds. These were real toddlers. Or as Emma calls them ‘baby childs’. And she’s not from the south.

The 3 year old’s mom was explaining that during the swimsuit competition it’s very important to have a tan. Her words, “since she’s bi-racial, she needs more color in her skin than she has.” So you know what she did??? She laid her kid out in the sun to TAN! For real! A TAN! Like the kind 99% of us moms avoid and slather our baby childs with 1300SPF! For God’s sake woman, have you not heard of skin cancer???

The 2 year old’s mom was glamming up her 2 year old with full make up. Eye lashes, liner, lipstick. The works. The dad says, “it’s a little weird to see my baby all looking like a 16 year old.” Ya Think?? Then the mom says, “I’m worried about the Natural portion of the pageant. This pageant has a segment where flippers (false teeth) and makeup are not allowed. It might be strange to not have her wearing makeup.”

OH MY GOD! She’s 2!! AYFKM?? She should be au natural. She has nothing to hide or emphasize yet because SHE’S A BABY!

Next thing you know they’ll be saying, ‘oh it’s so weird for her to be in the swimsuit competition and not wear her chicken cutlets in her bikini top. Seeing her without cleavage is just odd.’

This is totally normal. She's already 18months old. (taken from astrick-playground.com)

Of course! The Julia Roberts hooker costume. Perfect. (from xfinity.comcast.net)

My other gripe today is ParaGard. The new copper IUD that is being advertised on all the chick networks. I keep seeing this commercial while Emma is watching Toddlers and Tiaras which is sort of causing me to have angina and I should just stop.

Anywho- this form of birth control of course has a disclaimer. Sure. Of course. When it says, ‘in cases where the implant becomes attached or pokes through the uterine wall, other problems may occur.” Well no shit.

Charmin Commercials:

The ones with the bears. When the bear comes out of the bathroom, yes bathroom, not the woods, and has paper crumbs on its backside. ‘NO one likes toilet paper pieces left behind” blah blah blah. “It won’t pass inspection with mom…” Hmmmm, I don’t check my kids ass for wipe control! Usually they share plenty with me. Subjecting them to wipe inspection isn’t something in my parenting. Maybe when you’re a bear though…

I’m not alone in my AYFKM? gripe with this one. When I googled Charmin commercials- there were a dozen other bloggers and Youtube videos expressing the weirdness of their slogan, “everyone goes, but those that go with Charmin, enjoy the go”. Oh dear God. Bring back Mr. Wipple.

Enjoy the Go

ParaGard risks

AYFKM?* : Boob vouchers

“I can’t wait to be like mummy with big boobies. They’re so pretty.” Poppy, age 7.

No, not me or my daughter. That doesn’t run in this family.

Do the blogging gods just make this stuff up? Does it magically fall in to my lap so I can poke fun at the unsuspecting half-wits?

A mom in the UK gave her daughter a voucher of liposuction as a Christmas present to be redeemed when she is 16. She already gave her a voucher for her birthday for breast augmentation to be used later as well.

Mummy has had over 50,000 UK Pounds of work done on herself. That’s as in currency, not silicone.

When responding to criticism, she says, “Poppy (the daughter) is a normal girl, like any other. Girls don’t want Snow White and Cinderella anymore. They want to be WAGs.”

A WAG is a British term for a wife or girlfriend of a high profile soccer star. Oh my GOODNESS! It’s like what we call an MRS degree!

Only they don’t go to college for it, they get plastic surgery for it. I guess that means there’s soccer groupies that hang out after games with their big boobs, skinny arms and pouty lips. PUHLEEZE!

We can’t all be brilliant Tina Feys or Madeline Albrights; self-described unattractive females with enormous BRAINS. (I know, who else would lump those two together but me?)  Some like being intellectual, bookish, brainy. Like Sarah Vowell. Incredibly witty, with an edge, a dry side that you never know what is going to come out of that head of theirs. Talent, success based on talent. Shall I go on?

To each his own. I’m not against plastic surgery. I wish the tummy tuck fairies would come in my sleep and do their job. I might even get Botox one day. (Oh hush James).  I like pageant girls too. The Miss America scholarship kind. NOT the Toddlers and Tiaras kind.

Sorry, but white trash getting behind on your trailer payments so your daughter can be Grand Supreme (sounds like a burrito) and wear a crown bigger than her head, just isn’t right. Especially when they whine and cry the whole time. Because we need more shows with kids whining and crying.

Poppy’s mom is an event planner for plastic surgery and swinging parties. Wow, you folks in the UK don’t mess around do you? I mean, you do, but, well, you know what I mean.

She idolizes the UK media sensation Cheryl Cole. Didn’t she get fired from Simon Cowell’s show and is divorced from her husband Ashley? Psst. He’s a guy that cheated with a woman from these parts and she sold her story to a British tabloid. Google it.

Ridiculous UK Daily Mail article of Poppy the wunderkind

I can't tell if she's excited or her face is just frozen that way from Botox.

*Are You Fucking Kidding Me?