Follow on Bloglovin>
Ebates Coupons and Cash Back

From Corsets to Yoga pants; face it- we’ve all given up.

Have you noticed something? I mean, it’s not news or anything. We’re fat. Americans are fat. Okay we get it. But how in THEE hell did this happen?? (Rhetorical question, don’t really answer it, just play along okay?)

We are wearing tracksuits and yoga pants every damn day, and we just get fatter, and fatter….

We went from corsets, girdles and garters, to just garters, to women’s lib bra burning to sports bras, miracle bras, wonderbras… SPANX and dundadddaaa— Yoga Pants!!

We Americans wear our fitness gear ALL the time. We wear Yoga pants and don’t do yoga. We wear sweat pants and haven’t sweated.

We wear track suits and don’t go to the track. And yet…we got bigger, and bigger, and bigger! We should be a super elite society of athletes. But NO! We are a lazy bunch of couch potato, Wal-mart shopper, Frappachilly swirl shake drinking slobs! Pathetic I say! Pathetic!

Yes- I’m wearing Lululemon lounge pants as I write this. Because dammit, I am lazy. I don’t want to get up and put on control top hose, heels and pearls to do housework. How the hell did Donna Reed do that??

She's saying, 'oh look, I'm all dressed up to do the dishes.'

We went from wearing the most uncomfortable clothes, being thin, small-boned, floor scrubbing (unless you lived in the south, then your maid did all that for you) to having freedom, comfort, Lycra, and doing….nothing.

Okay- hold on to your Hanes Her Ways right there. Don’t get them all in a bunch. I am not here to say we are lazy. Not all of us. Just some of us. And me. I’m lazy. I admit this. I know we work hard. We raise our kids, work outside the home, volunteer with PTA, carpool, shop for organic groceries at Whole Foods, go to book club, wine club, Bunco club, church, Bible study. WE are soooooo busy!!

Do you see where I’m going with this? Simple equation- corsets, delicate ladies, tiny waists- fast forward 80 years- Lycra, elastic waists, knits = FAT ASS. Even our feet are getting bigger. Have you looked at vintage shoes? My feet are like a Chinese basketballs player’s foot compared to the ladies of our grandmother’s generation or before that.

Let's go run and get smoothies! -What I can't hear you my track suit makes this loud rustling sound!

I’m not making any scientific revelations here. I have no data to back anything up. This is just my opinion (cough <<bullshit>> cough).

What happened?

I remember a Seinfeld episode when George said if a man leaves his house in sweat pants he’s given up on the world. People? Have we given up?

I’m not saying pearls and hats and gloves, but how about  we go to work out in the work out attire, and then wear normal clothes in public? At least try?

Okay, I will. Just let me finish this Cinnabon here and my Starbucks and I’ll get right on that.

Dear Weight Watchers, I would like to lose my post-partum baby weight too.

I heard that Jessica Simpson has already penned a deal with Weight Watchers to lose her post-partum weight. That is fantastic! So many folks and bloggers are discussing how this could be negative to other expecting mothers and what message this sends. I’m sorry. What message does it send? Uhm, women like to lose weight after having a baby? Yeah, that message. Oh, maybe the message is ‘it’s not fair some women get paid to lose their baby weight?’ Yeah, that’s the message I get.

I put on 40+ pounds with each kid. I have two kids. I say ‘+’ because I don’t remember the final number when they weighed me before delivery. Considering with both pregnancies I put on 5 pounds of water in 24 hours due to high blood pressure right before I delivered. Do you know what happens to midsection flesh that’s given 5 pounds of water within a few hours? STRETCHMARKS. On my ankles. And my ass. Just like when your milk comes in overnight to what were size 32AA boobs. STRETCHMARKS. The skin was so thin on my chest I could actually see my heart beating through my rib cage. Okay, not really. I like to exaggerate a smidge.

This is not me. I didn't take a picture of my stretch marks. But clearly, this is exactly the reason I was not asked to pose on the cover of Elle naked and pregnant. The only reason, I'm sure.

Back to Jessica- I would LOVE to be paid to lose some baby weight. I’m 9 years post partum and I think I’m a perfect candidate to be Weight Watcher’s spokesperson. I have yet to lose those last stubborn 10 pounds. The first 30 pounds were easy. Have you heard of breast feeding? IT BURNS CALORIES! Yes, folks. Mothers all know this little gem of the first 6 weeks of  post partum. You are burning calories like Michael Phelps training for the Beijing Olympics. If you breast feed an Owen, like I did, you will be nursing every 45 minutes and sweating during a June heat wave. I lost 6 pounds a day in liquid. I swear.

When you’re pregnant with a girl, like Jessica is, you gain weight like an inner tube. With a boy, you carry like a beach ball. I looked like I swallowed a Boppy when I was pregnant with Emma. When your blood pressure spikes, like mine did, your face puffs up like Lindsay Lohan after her Dysport injections. Your feet don’t even fit in your husband’s shoes. It’s sad. But, that’s what breast feeding is for. Or at least those first 6 weeks when the uterus likes to contract back to it’s original size. OH, wait? You mean, you don’t remember reading that in any pregnancy books? It was the very fine print that came with an asterisk, I’m sure. Yeah, bleeding nipples, maxi pads the size of Smart Cars and cramps. Mother fucking cramps like a period you never dreamed of.  At least that’s what happened to me.

A Boppy pillow. Also known as my waist.

It’s not fair that celebrities get stuff for free, stuff paid for, multi-million dollar endorsement deals to pay for their trainers and nutritionists. Don’t you think she would lose the weight anyway? She doesn’t need a contract to encourage her. Am I jealous that she gets to eat whatever the hell she wants and knows that after the baby is born she will be making serious cash and eating watercress from her treadmill not thinking about deprivation because she will be so flippin rich? Yes. I am.

Why you would wear this, pregnant or not, I don't know. But if Weight Watchers wants me to- I will.

So, like I said; Dear Weight Watchers, please give me a multi-million dollar endorsement deal to lose my last 10 pounds of baby weight. Apparently, I didn’t have enough incentive all these years.  I wish Jessica the best with her new baby girl Maxipad Maxi, but I deserve the money and the incentive more. I’m almost 40, my kids need to go to college and my husband and I need a retirement fund. I can represent ‘real moms’ everywhere, not just celebrity moms that get shit done for them anyway. It would be a miracle to have what 80% of the women in my age and demographic have called, ‘the last 10 pounds’ to be gone for good.

Thank you.

Sincerely,

Frugalista

Jessica Simpson to sign with Weight Watchers to lose her baby weight.

 

Smorgasbord

On today’s blog menu : Smorgasbord. Of the writing kind. There is no lingonberries or pickled herring. My apologies. Or, you’re welcome.

I have so much floating around in my head, I need to just get it all down. It’s like a solar flare in my brain. This must be why.

It goes something like this:

Birth control

Ugandan child rebel armies

Revlon color stay nail polish

Lindsay Lohan

Downton Abbey

See?? I told you!! What a mess. Please tell me I’m normal.

So the whole Douche Limbaugh birth control story got me fired up last week. Read here.. And then it was still in my craw this week. We are so seriously fucked up in this country that big Pharma gets billions of dollars for a guy to get his wanker up and we (females) get chastised if we don’t prefer to get our uterus inseminated. Millions of women go on birth control for dozens of reasons. To be perfectly honest, I was prescribed the Pill at a very young age to help stall the endometriosis that was wreaking havoc on my uterine wall. Because of the Pill, I have two beautiful children. After their births, I continued on the pill for some time to help the dysmenorrhea that plagued me and because, news flash- we were done having kids!

The world is different now. We can’t all just blaze a trail of procreation and have 7 kids each. Am I right? The Duggars are not my ideal. Can you imagine if we all had 20 kids? If you think there’s a problem now in our overcrowded world, then just wait.

Also- my pregnancies were both riddled with risks and problems. For myself and my children. I don’t want preeclampsia or preterm labor any more. Twice was good enough, thanks. If I die from kidney failure on my fifth kid, that doesn’t help the family much, does it?

I’m being really brazen here I know. But let’s not mince our words. Some of us like being pregnant and some of us think it’s seriously God’s vengeance on Eve. I’m in the latter in case you haven’t noticed.

So Rush- STFU! And by the way, I’m working on that sex video you wanted Sandra Fluke to post. It’s really good. (I’m totally kidding.) (Maybe.)

Then there’s the KONY 2012 video that is sweeping the world.

My take:

Yes- we need to stop Ugandan children from being pulled out of their beds at night and made into guerilla war pawns. We need to stop this from happening in ALL African countries.

We need to do our research and see what charities and organizations can be the most effective in this. Maybe it is the Invisible Children organization. Maybe it’s a different one. Some say it’s a scam. Some say it’s contrived and not worth the money and rates low on Charity Navigator. (like here) and (and here).  I will say this- Lisa Ling doesn’t self promote her documentaries she does for National Geographic and the Discovery Channel. This guy doing this movie seems a little pious in his zeal for his social network experiment to put him on the map. I might be wrong. But then again – he’s literally there in Africa doing something. SOMETHING. Not just sitting on a comfy couch blogging about it. Do what feels right. Not what the band wagon is riding on.

Revlon Color Stay Nail Color- I know, WTF? right? This is how my brain works. I’m worrying about orphans in Africa while doing my nails.

I am a self professed product whore (not THAT kind Rush), and I love me a shellac manicure. But they are EXPENSIVE. So I found Revlon has a new nail polish that says it has the same qualities as a gel manicure when used in conjunction with their base and top coats. And I will say <<applause>> they are kind of right. At about 6 bucks a bottle, this polish is a champ for staying put for at least a few days. Not 11 days like the ad says. But normally, my polish non-shellac kind, lasts about 24 hours. Revlon Color Stay Nail Polish.

Lindsay. Lindsay, Lindsay, Lindsay (sigh, shakes head). You are just not ready for the big leagues. Props to you for getting permission from the judge to leave town on your probation. (Snort, cough, did I just write that?) But you can’t pull of Saturday Night Live looking at the queue cards the whole time with your Restalyn injected face frozen into a half-smirk. If it wasn’t for Kristen Wiig in your major skits, you would’ve bombed worse than you already did. Try again another time sweetie.

(courtesy, crushable.com) This was super funny, despite L.LO being in it.

Downton Abbey- since when is Masterpiece Theater the shit? And I mean the shizzle, off the chain, Lord Grantham is in da house dawgs. Okay, was that too much Snoop Dogg circa 2002?

It’s just I love period pieces and I love snarky British people. It’s all Upstairs Downstairs 2012. It just captures the essence of what it’s like to be privileged, wealthy and cared for. OR, hard working indentured servant. Okay, they aren’t indentured. But I can’t decide more which group of folks I like better. The snappy hard ass Gran mama played by Maggie Smith? Or the conniving bitch of a maid Mrs O’Brien. It’s all just SO GOOD.

(courtesy pbs.org) Oh Maggie. You delight and surprise me every episode.

Mrs. O'brien, you are as classic a bitch as they come. (courtesy dailymail.uk)

Well, there you have it. My smorgasbord for the week. Now that I’ve gotten that off my chest, I think I might go do some calculus or something. And by calculus, I mean, watch Bravo TV and catch up on my DVR.

Holla!

P.S.

There’s a contest on Circle of Moms going on right now for the top 25 funny moms. I think I qualify. If you do too- click over on the badge to the right and vote for me. You can vote once a day and you can vote for other blogs too. I sure as hell ain’t gonna win, but if I made it in the top 25, my boat would sure float. Thanks!

Sluts and whores. Mr. Limbaugh is an expert.

Rush Limbaugh’s feet are so far in his mouth, his ears are wearing shoes.
Unless you’ve been under a rock the last two days, you know about him calling a college student a prostitute after her testimony for birth control to be covered for co-eds. (This article here Obama calls Sandra Fluke for support.)
What’s even worse than that first comment was the next one he said- “If we are going to pay for your contraceptives and thus pay for you to have sex, we want something for it,” Limbaugh said. “We want you to post the videos online so we can all watch.”
AYFKM????
Holy mother of fuckwits! Are you high Mr. LIMBAUGH? Wait, don’t answer that.

How on earth does that shit come out of your mouth? Did you have a Freudian slip and think about what you were going to do on your lunch hour? Troll the internet for co-eds having sex while using birth control?
The millions of dollars Clear Channel pays you must qualify you as an OB/GYN. Or a PhD in female studies. Because all women that get the Pill or IUDs, or Nuvarings, are loose labia-ed whores on street corners desperate to get laid. I guess. You are an expert on this.

You, Mr.Limbaugh were a virgin before wedlock, I am certain. RIGHT? Clearly those that live in glass houses can throw stones. I’m so glad you saved yourself for marriage. I mean, for the first wedding. Did you get your virginity replaced before the subsequent trio of matrimonies? Does your wife use contraception? Or did any of them? Because you don’t have any children. I’m guessing the rhythm method has been good to you. That, or God has saved us all from your seed, which should be proof to all liberal non-believers that there is in fact a God up there looking out for all of us.
I’m curious if you use Viagra or Pos-t-vac? Those are covered by insurance. It’s sick that you need to have so much sex that you need to have those things paid for by insurance companies. At least put it on the Internet for gosh sakes. Wait. Scratch that.

Oh, this is none of my business. You are right, neither is a women’s right to contraception, YOUR business.

Asshat.

Feel free to share.

The world of a 3rd grader.

Chaperoning for field trips is not my thing. Yet, I do it all the time. Why am I suckered in to this type of thing? I volunteered for my son’s 3rd grade field trip to the science center. It exhausts me to be around children that aren’t mine. Who am I kidding? It exhausts me being around my OWN children! Which is ironic since I’m  so involved with PTA and constantly find myself with kids. My level of respect for teachers and staff in the schools always increases ten-fold after one of these instances of volunteering. How everyday they wrangle 20+ kids is beyond me. Beyond me I say.

The science center is one of those giant places that has the potential to lose a kid or two. Chaperoning to a place like the theater where they sit still in a room together then load the bus, is usually less exhausting by nature. So several hours with 8 year old boys running around with exhibits, not to mention other schools who are on their field trips, was a recipe for exhaustion and possibly an Amber Alert.

But you know what? It wasn’t so bad. Yes, I soaked in the tub that night for a half an hour and went to bed a whole hour early, I couldn’t cook dinner and had to get take-out, but aside from the physical exhaustion, the day went without a hitch.

My group of boys was well behaved, yes it included Owen, and three others. All pretty quiet, well behaved, stayed together- I didn’t have  to put out a search party, they did what I asked. Pretty awesome. This doesn’t mean there weren’t other kids that needed to be rescued after straying from their group (Oh Betty, when you hide behind poles and crawl on the floor, your chaperone can’t see you.) Or boys on the bus that I wanted to pull a can of whoop ass on who just wouldn’t sit. still. (Dougie…cough<<ritalin>>cough)

Oh did I mention that on the way to the city I sat in the very back seat of the bus? Oh snap. If I wasn’t going to toss my cookies in front of a bunch of little kids. If it weren’t for the little whipper snapper Susie who sat in front of me asking me riddles and jokes the whole way, I might have lost it. More on Susie later. (And yes, children’s names have been changed to protect their security. Or keep me from being sued. Whichever.)

Riddle: If a cowboy rode out to the desert on Friday, stayed three days and then rode out on Friday, how was that possible? *Answer to come later.

As if my day with little kids wasn’t enough, that evening was a fundraiser for the school at the local McDonald’s. Where the staff is working as employees, and a percentage of profits go to your school. Owen was dying to go. He needed to check out his posse. Translation, I think he wanted to see if the girl he is crushing on was going to be there.

Earlier in the day, Susie- the funny riddle one, was acting as informant to Owen regarding his gal pal crush- Dahlia. Yes, the whole class is aware of Owen and Dahlia’s relationship. I think a relationship in 3rd grade exists in terms of your friends talk to their friends and tell them what you think or like while out on recess. No actual interaction takes place. It’s all about the relaying of messages between your people and her people.

Susie was reporting on Dahlia’s whereabouts during the day. Susie is one sharp cookie. And then she cleared it up to me, his mom, “I like Owen as a friend, just a friend.” Thanks for clearing that up.

At McDonald’s that night, Owen put on his faux leather jacket and a cap. Not a baseball cap, a skate boarder cap. It’s got a little more edge. His faux leather jacket is really cool. He was excited when he got it. It’s black and has a ‘Fonz’ edge for this millenium. So with his jacket and cap, off we went for McFlurries.

It was packed! Our local McDonald’s was standing room only and a-buzz with families and staff from the school. Owen scoped out the staff working behind the counter. He was distracted checking out the room so much he didn’t know what to order. We went with milkshakes. But just for him. No fake dairy crap for this vegan wannabe.

We waved at a few people, acknowledged friends but I followed Owen letting him take the lead. Where to sit? This was tricky. Well, there wasn’t much choice. So we took the only free table over by the corner where he didn’t see anyone he knew. But not to worry. Because out of nowhere comes Susie! ‘Hey Owen, when did you get here?’ She saunters over with her ice cream sundae. She was clearly working the room. Saying hi to folks, keeping tabs on parents, you know- I see her in PR or something in twenty years. She mentions casually to Owen, “Lily is here you know”.

Owen, “cool. I didn’t see her.”

Susie, “Yeah, I told her you were here. She just kind of was like, oh my gosh, and then was like ahhhh, and then laughed and then was like, okay”

Owen, (laughs casually) “cool.”

Susie walks away.

Me, “Who’s Lily?”

Owen, “The other girl that has a crush on me and I have a crush on too. Both Dahlia and Lily like me, and I like them both too.”

Me, “Gosh, you’re quite the popular one huh?”

Owen, “Yeah, it’s because of my blue eyes, and blond hair.” (Smiles, flicks his bangs Beiber style.)

Me, “I didn’t see Lily, where is she sitting?”

Owen, “Over by the door, I saw her earlier.”

Smooth buddy, you never let on.

Then I see this boy about Owen’s age, call over, “Hey Owen- ‘sup?”

Owen- “Hey Juan. ‘Sup?”

They each nod at each other, then go on their separate ways. What is this?? School of Snoop Dogg? I’m just laughing at some of the ‘maturisms’ these kids have picked up from what they see on adults, teens, and media. So far so good. But I’ve got my eye on them.

So we left. Owen said it was a good thing he didn’t go over and talk to Lily, she would have just stood there in awe.

Now don’t get the wrong idea. He doesn’t do any of this with swagger. He’s pretty straightforward, no nonsense. Just his observations and honesty. I guess he pulls off the suave without even trying.

No offense husband honey- but where does he get this from?

Oh, and the answer to the riddle above: His horse was named Friday. That’s how he rode out three days later.

Kids these days. Sigh.

I don’t want to offend you or anything…

Ooh, famous last words.

How about- “I don’t want to argue, but…”, “Now don’t get mad, but…”

or

“We need to talk about something”, “I don’t want any drama“, “Maybe you’re just jealous, no offense“.

Do you see what I’m doing here? All these phrases are total mindfuck bullshit. Yep. That’s what I said. Why? Because they do exactly the opposite of what the speaker is saying.

It’s like telling someone not to think of an elephant. Whatever you do- don’t think of an elephant.

….How’s that working? Are you NOT thinking of an elephant?

What elephant? I don't see an elephant.

So when the husband comes home from work and has an issue with a recent blog, let’s say. And says, ‘now don’t get mad, I don’t want to start an argument’…. Guess what? He doesn’t even have to say anything- I’m already fired up. My gut has dropped to my feet and the anticipation of what he might say is worse than what he will say.

"Now don't get mad, but..."

Or when you’re with a group of ladies and one of them says, “No offense, but I hate PTA or I don’t let my kids watch TV or what’s up with your latest eating habits?”. I kinda get offended. I mean, not really OFFENDED, but just maybe more my feelings might get hurt. Offended is far more serious than just slightly bruised in the ego or feelings department, but still. Just saying, ‘don’t get offended’, kind of puts me on the defense, right away.

The worst is when you watch those ridiculous reality TV shows where the women all squawk and whine about the others behind their backs. Then at a party they say, ‘well the last thing I want is drama‘. Really? Cuz you were kind of poking the hornets nest back there by smack talking your friend’s best friend’s sister in law.

"That bitch said what about my hat?

Any leading statement to a statement you are about to say, can really set someone off, before you say  what you were going to say in the first place. Capiche?

Let’s have a lesson in semantics people. Husbands- listen up. Mother-in-laws lean in. This is what you do.

When there’s something you want to say, don’t lead in with the opposite/alternate/reverse psychology phrases as mentioned above. Just say,

Husbands– “Oh hey, would it be okay if you didn’t continue to blog about my lack of skills in changing the roll of toilet paper and that you think I’m an asshat?” Say it in a real nice tone, then finish with, “Would you like me to get you a glass of wine?”

Or this one-

Mother in law-“I think your children should eat more vegetables and swear less.”

And then-

Friends “I wanted to let you know that when your daughter was hanging out with my daughter last week she showed a picture of various venereal diseases and their symptoms on her smartphone and it grossed our daughter out. But I know she’s not a slut. It’s okay.”

See how easy that was? All straight forward, no passive aggressive lead-ins. Just say what you have to say. Remember, it’s all in the TONE of your voice, body language, actions, that sort of thing. And don’t end with, “I’m just sayin’.” That’s bad too.

I think this will make things so much easier.

But let’s be honest. When it comes to ME. If you know me, just say what I want to hear, not what I should hear. That’s what really works.

Remember, no elephants. How’ bout now? Now?

Ricky never leads with bull shit lines like, "Now don't be offended." He just goes straight to offending you.

Now?

Helena (nuttier than squirrel turds) Bonham Carter

I was in college when I saw the movie A Room with a View. It was my first experience with a Merchant Ivory production. I loved the periods, costume and set direction and scenery of their films. I would cry just at the sheer beauty. What a sap I was! Then throw in some Puccini opera on the soundtrack- I was in love (sniff, sniff).

1990 or 1890 - big poofy hair was in.

This was my first exposure to Helena, who played Lucy Honeychurch. I thought she was lovely. That big mess of curly, dark hair. I wanted to wear an Edwardian dress with a big hat and stroll on green lawns of English estates. I had some long skirts and button down shirts in my closet. My then roommate- Ginhee- made me purge my ‘prairie looks’ as she called them. She didn’t understand my Merchant Ivory penchant for fashion. Well, I don’t blame her. By the way,  Merchant Ivory is two people not one. Ismail Merchant and James Ivory produced and directed a bunch of films in the 90s that I was obsessed with that all had the same style of culture, art and repressed passion.

Now Miss Bonham Carter wasn’t always perfect. It was reported that she cheated on Emma’s (Thompson) then husband Kenneth Branagh while they filmed Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein. Shame on them!

Poor Emma. But now Helena is with Tim Burton and they make the perfect couple.  Cooky meets crazy!

A match made in creative crazy heaven.

I loved Helena in Harry Potter as Bellatrix LaStrange. How perfect for her. Bellatrix eats the same squirrel food as Helena because she’s nutty too!

Bellatrix- this girl definitely poops squirrel turds- dontcha think?

Of course, last year, Helena’s portrayal as the Queen mum in The King’s Speech was poignant, loving, and completely devoid of any craziness.

2011 Best Picture; The King's Speech with Colin Firth

Who else can do the red carpet like Helena? It would be disappointing if she showed up in a ‘regular’ couture look.

I wasn’t a fan of Sweeney Todd. (shh, don’t tell her that.)   But I loved her as the Red Queen in Alice in Wonderland. Nothing beats the line, “I love a warm pig for my aching feet.” And who remembers her stint on Miami Vice? Ha! Betcha you forgot that.

I love everything she does down to her mismatched shoes. I probably wouldn’t let her babysit my kids, but I would love to do tequila shots with her and Tim. How fun would THAT be? Johnny Depp could show up too.

She has been nominated for an Academy Award twice. Maybe one day she’ll win. Or maybe not. I doubt she cares.

Thanks for keeping it real Helena.

Last year's Golden Globes and the mismatched shoes. Hey- they were the same brand, just one of each color.

My own acceptance speech in perfect timing for this weekend.

I love awards and I love it when fellow bloggers of the WordPress community bestow awards on each other. It feels like in school when you get a candy gram or a special certificate from the principal. Once in high school I got the Perfect Attendance award as a Sophomore. I was even clueless enough to be at the pep assembly they were giving out the certificates of other achievements to accept my certificate in person. I didn’t realize what street cred this award would give me. How can anyone be so geeky as to get perfect attendance? Honestly, I just kept going to school each day because I was terrified of all the work I had to do if I missed any class. Second, it was one of the few years I didn’t come down with strep throat. Third, it all went downhill from there because my Junior and Senior years were spent heavily involved in thespians and forensics (that’s theater and speech and debate for you non vocab proficient people like myself) and we got to miss school a lot traveling to competitions.

So on to the awards:

The From Life Idle to Life Fantastic blogger gave me these awards- ALL FOUR- Holla bitches! (okay, that wasn’t necessary, I’m sorry.)

She is a sweet blogger who, despite her life being very different than mine; translation- I don’t think she drives a minivan or wears pajama jeans, but I could be wrong, she is a mom after all- she is supportive and witty and doesn’t even use swear words.

Qualifications of the awards are to accept, make a speech (see above boring diatribe of perfect attendance, the music would definitely have cut me off at the Oscars if I were to say all that), acknowledge blogger that gave you award and then answer questions about yourself. Pass on the award to 10 blogs you enjoy.

The Sunshine, Candle Lighter, and Liebster Awards State the following:

  • Act like a God among bloggers (write a post)
  • Give your Acceptance and Thank you speech  for the one whom blessed you with the honor. (See above)
  • Give the cream of your crop the award as well
  • Post awards on your blog if accepted

The Sparkly Ten Commandments are:

  • Give Thanks
  • Answer Ten Questions with Honesty
  • Pass it on to Ten Other Bloggers

I used to pretend Barbara Walters was interviewing me for her Post Oscar special. I would sit in my bathroom and practice, trying to get all choked up and cry for her like the other celebrities do. It was hard, because my life was so dang peachy. I didn’t have any good stories about sleeping on a bare mattress on the floor of our mobile home for years before my stardom, or how my blind mother drove me to auditions. I realize that is not only completely false but utterly preposterous. My mom is not blind!

So here goes: I will try to cry or get choked up at least once.

  1. Describe yourself in seven words:
    Fun, Beautiful, Charming, Organized, Brilliant…. wait… what? OH…. be HONEST… okay fine…. goofy, sensitive, volatile, picky, sloppy, devoted, empathetic.
  2. What keeps you up at night?
    Sometimes the neighbor’s dog. But mostly, I sleep through the night these days since the kids are old enough. I can tend to wallow in crazy obsessions from my over active imagination where I’ve concocted images of my kids in peril. Then my blood starts to run cold and I think of fuzzy kittens and rainbows and try to get myself to sleep counting unicorns….
  3. Whom would you like to be?
    Helen Mirren- I want to be British, saucy, and get away with anything.
  4.  What are you wearing now? My mom uniform- jeans and a thermal tea with socks, slippers and a sweater. I basically look like I walked off the pages of Cosmo, I know.
  5. What scares you?  Cancer scares the crap out of me.
  6. What are the best and worst things about blogging?
    I love that I can pretty much say what I want and most people get it. It beats a journal for sure. I hate the possibility of trolls coming around to spoil the party. I also dislike when my husband rolls his eyes at some of my posts. But I guess you can’t blame him.
  7. What was the last website you looked at?
    Facebook. duh.
  8. If you could change one thing about yourself what would it be?
    To be better at cleaning my house. And Angry Birds. I suck at it. I can only make it past the first level on like 6 tries. It’s pathetic.
  9. Slankets, yes or no? If by Slanket you mean Snuggie, then yes. Guilty.
  10. Tell us something about the person who nominated you.
    She didn’t know what a Slanket was and thought a Slanket was a slinky mixed with a blanket. Which is better than what I invented called a fornikanket which is a blanket for two while they fornicate. You know, for those chilly nights.

Now for the 10 blogs I would like to forward these awards on to and hope you check them out. They are funny, sweet or downright blunt and in-your-face fantastic, and some have few followers since they are so new, so I want you to go visit them and check them out.

The Teacher’s Pen

Barking in the Dark

Lady Goo Goo Gaga

The Sticky Egg

If I Were Brave

Raising my Rainbow

Piperism

Kvetch Mom

She’s a Maineiac

Motherhood WTF?

So to these 10 that I have awarded these blogging awards- follow through with the rules and be sure to acknowledge me in your acceptance speech. Cuz I’m a needy whore that needs to be fed with affirmation.

Enjoy!

Please excuse me while I complain

I’m feeling a little honeybadgerish now. Or stabby. Or just downright bitchy.

My apologies. If you don’t like swear words, rants, or any references to PMS, then stop reading. Or if you are married to me, you can stop reading also.

Yes, hormones can do a number on us all. Why even men can be total dicks if they have too much testosterone. Think of steroids. Dickwads.

Now there’s estrogen. Good lord, how much of this stuff do we need coursing through us? Well, enough I guess to keep us from growing facial hair and large Adam’s apples. But geeze. Sometimes I would just love to be some asexual being crawling along the ocean floor.

Or a honey badger. I think a honey badger doesn’t know the difference between a good day, and a PMS day. They just don’t give a shit.

Namaste Mutha Fuckahs!

Yesterday I got all mad at the hubs for leaving dishes in the sink and dishwasher over the entire weekend I left him alone and took the kids to the beach. Maybe I wouldn’t have been so mad if going to the ‘beach’ didn’t require a 4 hour drive in the pouring rain and a weekend of my two kids bickering over what DVD they get to watch in what bedroom. AND, getting to cook and clean just like at home. Not that I am not grateful for our wonderful friends having us over to their family beach house. But there wasn’t room service, laundry service or any nannies. I did it to give the hubs a break. Not make MORE work for me.

Okay, I’m over it. It’s fine. He’s sorry. I’m sorry.

My apologies for this ridiculous, useless blog post. Unless of course, you are feeling stabby too and maybe this helped you from actually stabbing someone, or something.

Stolen from the Bloggess' Zazzle store. Get some. It might cheer you up.

The reluctant vegan.

Okay, let me start by saying a few things. (That sounds ridiculous. I’m always saying a few things.)

I am not in any way imposing my choices on anyone. These are my personal choices that work for me. Maybe they will work for you too. Maybe not. But please don’t whine to me how much you love your meat and dairy and that ‘real people’ don’t eat squirrel food. That’s bull shit. Okay, my husband has always said I eat squirrel food, so now I’m just living up to his expectations.

I’ve been a ‘vegan’ for 21 days now. I say vegan with ‘ around it, because I still don’t believe it myself. But I will say this- I lasted Superbowl Sunday, a weekend in LA for the Grammys (with a stop at a steak house on Rodeo drive) and Valentine’s day; and I didn’t cheat!! Yay me!

I love food. I love good food. I love really fancy food. Exotic food. I even love crap food. I admit to a Taco Bell burrito now and then. Or a bag of Doritos. Or yes, a bowl of Cap ‘n’ Crunch. So I have no food prejudices. However, I’m learning more and more that food is the gateway to our well being. OH yeah- let me say that again. “FOOD IS THE GATEWAY TO OUR WELL BEING”. Snap. I’m like Oprah.

My friends started this diet before Christmas called the Engine 2 diet. It’s a book all about plant based whole foods. Meaning- nothing processed, no fats or added salt or sugar, no meat, no dairy. Wow, sounds awful doesn’t it?

But I like a challenge and deep down, I mean deep, deep, deep down, I knew I was lactose intolerant in a really bad way. But to take me away from my tea with milk and all my yummy bread and butter- gasp- was it possible?

There’s a gradual way to this diet. But I just jumped in all balls to the wall. Why not? Baby steps would just make me cheat or make excuses, so I headed in and didn’t look back.

You’re asking- am I doing this to lose weight? Duh! Who wouldn’t? Yes, I can afford to lose a few pounds. I don’t have to. But I like when the muffin doesn’t hang over the jeans. I like thighs that don’t squish together when I walk. So sure, losing weight is great. Have I lost a bunch? Five pounds is all. But five pounds is something.

Also- you’re thinking- but how on earth does she get her protein and proper calcium? Well, easy. There’s proteins in whole foods everywhere. From legumes to mushrooms, spinach to grains- it’s in there.

AND- calcium you ask. Well, think about this- we have the largest dairy and meat industry and the highest case of osteoporosis in this country. Hmm, coinkidink? Asian countries where their diets are primarily vegetable based have almost no osteoporosis. Could it be dairy is evil and full of additives and crap that we have been spoon fed by our FDA to think it’s good for us? Okay… forget I said that.

Now ask me how I feel.

I feel great! A little TMI warning here- I don’t have the stomach and digestion problems I had so much. Translation- gas and bad poops. I always blamed food like coffee or the apple I ate gave me gas, or wow, ‘my system really doesn’t like bananas’. NO. It was that it didn’t like the milk or half and half I was having with other stuff.

Do I want to cheat? Sometimes. Like I said, I managed to stick it out through Valentine’s day and a steak house without cheating. Sometimes a hot fudge sundae sounds really good. And maybe one day I will have one. But I also think how awful I will feel the next day. What will I do at Christmas when my mom makes goose and Yorkshire pudding? I’ll probably have some. There’s no diet police. Just my lower intestine talking to me.

I have a new love for almond milk and quinoa granola. It’s amazing how satisfying lentils can be. Who would have thought roasted cauliflower could taste so good? Plus, it’s organic, non GMO and good for you.

I feel so much better. Add the new thyroid medication, exercising a little more, and I might just shun PMS right out of my life.

Well, slow down there pardner- haven’t been through that roller coaster yet. We’ll see what a couple more weeks brings. But my energy is better, and I think I have a few less wrinkles. I’m aging backwards!

Again, just sharing- not preaching. Think about what ails you. Think about what you eat. Maybe there’s a connection.

I will not look down my nose at any meat eaters. I’m not going to throw paint on someone’s fur coat. I might even stray once in awhile to a croissant. STEP AWAY FROM THE FRO YO! Almost forgot myself there.

Oh- and gin and tonics are totally vegan. Just a little is fine.

If you are interested in the book- here’s the link:

The Engine 2 Diet

Doesn't that look fresh and delicious? courtesy of greenwaycafe.co.uk